I saw my regular doctor on Monday and she is fabulous. She adjusted my thyroid medicine, put me back on all my vitamins, adding some iodine for cancer prevention, increased my celexa and added busperone which is supposed to help with my anxiety and also will help me focus and concentrate. I'm already feeling better.
I'm getting along better with my ex, too.
Now if I can just get my knee straightened out. I wore heels to work a month or so ago and since then, the left knee has just been killing me. I got an x-ray before thanksgiving from a new orthopedic doctor and she disagreed with Dr. Nichols assertion that I needed total knee replacement. She said I'm much too young for such an aggressive surgery. She said the x-ray looks good and that it might actually be torn meniscus. That requires surgery as well but it's not as long of a recovery time. I need to get an MRI first and we are trying to postpone everything until after the first of the year. She gave me a steroid shot and it felt better for a few days but it's already worn off. I've had so many in the last 15 years they just aren't very effective for me anymore. It is time to get something done. I just hope I can hang in there a few more weeks.
I'm trying to eat more but it's hard. NOTHING tastes like it should and that makes me lose my appetite fast. They said they would not take my feeding tube out until I go for 30 day without using it AND don't lose anymore weight. So I'm trying not to use it and haven't in about 2 weeks. But the losing weight part I am going to fail. I never ever in my life thought I would have a problem keeping weight on. And it's not like I'm skinny (yet). I've lost about 45 pounds. But I absolutely cannot tolerate sugar or bread. Anything sweet just makes me sick. I can't even get past the first few bites. I've been without sugar for so long I just can't stand it anymore. As for bread, I just don't have enough saliva to help break it down and dissolve it. So without sugar or bread, I'm pretty much low carbing which has my body in ketosis=losing weight. I'm not trying to. I just am. I used to would have killed to be able to do this but now...
I want to be able to eat again. I love that I've dropped a few sizes. But I miss food and the social life I had that revolved around it. I hate not being able to eat this holiday season, go out to eat with friends, family, etc. I don't even want to do any baking or cooking right now. What's the point?
I need my mouth to heal faster. I just don't have patience for this cancer crap!
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Six weeks post treatment
Not sure why I feel the need to write this down. Everyone already knows I have been a complete mess for the past few weeks. I am not sure what happened to me. Maybe a combination of things but me or my doctors have yet to figure it out.
I can't get back the feelings I had when I was first diagnosed--thankful, blessed, ready to fight, just pure contentment in whatever the Lord had in store for me. I've gone from that to feeling nothing but hopelessness and I don't know why. I survived. I had the surgery and completed my treatment. I'm waiting to get a clean scan but all my doctors assure me it will be clean, that they are just wanting a "picture" of what they want me to look like going forward. So I'm not worried that I still have cancer.
I am worried that one day it will come back because this type of cancer ALWAYS comes back. It may be a few years. It may be 15-20. But one day, I'll have to go through this all over again and for the rest of my life, I'll have to be closely monitored. The knowledge of all that stresses me out. I'm ALWAYS going to have to take off work and go to some appointment. And I don't care how compassionate employers are or try to be, they still hate hiring people that aren't 100% healthy.
And speaking of employers, my job isn't going so well. I wasn't ready to go back to work when I did but I had no choice about it. My finances dictated I go back. In fact, my finances are dictating so much of my stress right now, I've been down this road SO many times in my life that in many ways, I should know that I will get it straightened out somehow but also I should know how to prevent this from happening so much! I have a degree in finance for the love of Pete. I should be more financially secure than I am. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 5 years since I've been completely on my own and that I have come a long way. I still just have so much further to go and at the age of 45 it irritates me.
So I went back to work. Keep in mind, I only started this job in February. I got ONE day to train and then was on my own. I had no clue. I did the best I could. Then not even six months later, I got my diagnosis, had my surgery and started treatment. I hung in there the best I could through all the changes in the firm and our department and my treatment. Then I had to go on leave because my body couldn't take it anymore. I come back to work to MORE changes and things I have no clue about and when I can't perform (who could after all this?), I get a bad review. And again--I haven't even been there a year yet.
What kind of employer does that? I left thinking I had their support but came back to find that I really need to be going elsewhere as soon as possible. And I STILL HAVE appointments etc. to work around with an unsympathetic supervisor. It's incredibly stressful.
So I think about my financial issues and I start to panic. And I push my ex. He was SO good to me during my treatment it made me feel like I STILL loved him and wish I had never left him in the first place. And we still have these three amazing kids together. And we still have things in common. So we still spend time together.
But I'm scared to death--scared of financial ruin, scared of starting over, scared of my cancer coming back, scared of the kids growing up and being gone, scared of being alone. And I panic. And I push. HUGE mistake. I pushed him away and now I just have this desperate feeling that I just need to be around him to feel calm.
I don't know and I know I'm rambling. And my counselor says this is all normal when you get cancer. You wonder how different things would be if you still had your family. And don't get me wrong, my mom, sisters and friends all rallied around me when I was going through treatment and it was amazing. And Jeff was wonderful and he gave me hope. But somehow it still didn't look like I thought it would have, especially if I had still been married.
I know I should feel grateful and I do. But I also can't shake this hopeless feeling. Not right now. I'm trying. I've lost control a few times and hurt people that I love. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a crazy lunatic bitch. I want to be a good person. A person that attracts people. A person that others want to be around. Right now I think most people are afraid of me.
I wonder if the radiation destroyed the effectiveness of my anti-depressants. Or if it's messed up my hormones. Or if it has something to do with the vitamin regimen that I was on pre-cancer and they took me off of because it was counter-productive to the radiation. I see my doctor Wednesday and I can't wait to tell her all this and pray that she can help in some way. I don't have time for the nutrition and holistic stuff to work. I'm under so much pressure and need something that will work now. It may be a quick fix. But until I have the time to fix it for real, that's what I need.
Please pray for me. Pray that I will get the answers and help I need from the doctor. Pray that I can stop feeling so emotional an hopeless all the time. Pray that God will speak to my children's hearts and let them know how much I love them and that I need them right now. That I want to be a mom they can be proud of. That I will get it together and hopefully soon. PLEASE pray these things for me.
I can't get back the feelings I had when I was first diagnosed--thankful, blessed, ready to fight, just pure contentment in whatever the Lord had in store for me. I've gone from that to feeling nothing but hopelessness and I don't know why. I survived. I had the surgery and completed my treatment. I'm waiting to get a clean scan but all my doctors assure me it will be clean, that they are just wanting a "picture" of what they want me to look like going forward. So I'm not worried that I still have cancer.
I am worried that one day it will come back because this type of cancer ALWAYS comes back. It may be a few years. It may be 15-20. But one day, I'll have to go through this all over again and for the rest of my life, I'll have to be closely monitored. The knowledge of all that stresses me out. I'm ALWAYS going to have to take off work and go to some appointment. And I don't care how compassionate employers are or try to be, they still hate hiring people that aren't 100% healthy.
And speaking of employers, my job isn't going so well. I wasn't ready to go back to work when I did but I had no choice about it. My finances dictated I go back. In fact, my finances are dictating so much of my stress right now, I've been down this road SO many times in my life that in many ways, I should know that I will get it straightened out somehow but also I should know how to prevent this from happening so much! I have a degree in finance for the love of Pete. I should be more financially secure than I am. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 5 years since I've been completely on my own and that I have come a long way. I still just have so much further to go and at the age of 45 it irritates me.
So I went back to work. Keep in mind, I only started this job in February. I got ONE day to train and then was on my own. I had no clue. I did the best I could. Then not even six months later, I got my diagnosis, had my surgery and started treatment. I hung in there the best I could through all the changes in the firm and our department and my treatment. Then I had to go on leave because my body couldn't take it anymore. I come back to work to MORE changes and things I have no clue about and when I can't perform (who could after all this?), I get a bad review. And again--I haven't even been there a year yet.
What kind of employer does that? I left thinking I had their support but came back to find that I really need to be going elsewhere as soon as possible. And I STILL HAVE appointments etc. to work around with an unsympathetic supervisor. It's incredibly stressful.
So I think about my financial issues and I start to panic. And I push my ex. He was SO good to me during my treatment it made me feel like I STILL loved him and wish I had never left him in the first place. And we still have these three amazing kids together. And we still have things in common. So we still spend time together.
But I'm scared to death--scared of financial ruin, scared of starting over, scared of my cancer coming back, scared of the kids growing up and being gone, scared of being alone. And I panic. And I push. HUGE mistake. I pushed him away and now I just have this desperate feeling that I just need to be around him to feel calm.
I don't know and I know I'm rambling. And my counselor says this is all normal when you get cancer. You wonder how different things would be if you still had your family. And don't get me wrong, my mom, sisters and friends all rallied around me when I was going through treatment and it was amazing. And Jeff was wonderful and he gave me hope. But somehow it still didn't look like I thought it would have, especially if I had still been married.
I know I should feel grateful and I do. But I also can't shake this hopeless feeling. Not right now. I'm trying. I've lost control a few times and hurt people that I love. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a crazy lunatic bitch. I want to be a good person. A person that attracts people. A person that others want to be around. Right now I think most people are afraid of me.
I wonder if the radiation destroyed the effectiveness of my anti-depressants. Or if it's messed up my hormones. Or if it has something to do with the vitamin regimen that I was on pre-cancer and they took me off of because it was counter-productive to the radiation. I see my doctor Wednesday and I can't wait to tell her all this and pray that she can help in some way. I don't have time for the nutrition and holistic stuff to work. I'm under so much pressure and need something that will work now. It may be a quick fix. But until I have the time to fix it for real, that's what I need.
Please pray for me. Pray that I will get the answers and help I need from the doctor. Pray that I can stop feeling so emotional an hopeless all the time. Pray that God will speak to my children's hearts and let them know how much I love them and that I need them right now. That I want to be a mom they can be proud of. That I will get it together and hopefully soon. PLEASE pray these things for me.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
One week post treatment
***********WARNING***********may include TMI******************************
And for the most part, I still don't feel any better. They said it would take about 2 weeks before some of this stuff would start to subside but I had hoped for sooner. I think I could deal with the throat pain if I would just stop coughing. My mouth and throat are full of thick, gooey, mucus that I can't seem to get rid of. That's partly due to the cancer and partly due to the fact that I can't eat yet. I've tried. I tried a milkshake from Jack's and a french fry and had to give it all to Jeff and Kayti. Nothing tastes right. I can't even drink water anymore because the taste is so tainted with mucus!
The doctors are pretty much useless now. I don't think they get it. They look at me astonishingly like I'm some freak from outer space because none of their suggested crap works. Hey, maybe the issues is you have never had this yourself so you don't have a clue what works and what doesn't. No, the magic mouthwash doesn't work. It's in my mouth for a few seconds and as soon as I spit it out..no lasting effects. The pain pills, I have apparently built up an immunity to. No pharmacy around here keeps anything stronger in pill form and the liquid form, I can't tell that it's any strong and most certainly it's more expensive. The same goes for the narcotic cough med. They give you this tiny little bottle. I go through it in a day and insurance thinks it's supposed to last me a month. So they don't want to pay for it. I finally got special approval after I went ahead and pay $60 for it! I'm in no hurry to try and do that again when it doesn't work any better than anything over the counter anyway.
The next suggestion was Mucinex. Sounds like it will get rid of mucus right? Well, not so much. Kayti bought my first bottle of it and it was blue. The blue tore my stomach up. So I bought pills to go in my pill crusher with everything else. Somehow these little suckers wouldn't crush up finely enough to go thru my feeding tube. So I attempted to just swallow one and I about choked. So back to robitussin DM which works okay but it doesn't last long.
They also said to keep my throat moist but I actually get more relief when I don't. I just have to be careful about dehydrating. So I push a lot of water thru my tube.
Those are normal days. Bad days are when I get to coughing so hard I pee myself. And yes, I know I need to address that with my GYN. I had planned on it. I had planned on also have uterine ablation so I would stop having periods, particularly now that they have gotten to be two weeks long every other week! Putting up with that is just extra fun!
I also get to coughing so badly sometimes I throw up. This happens about every other day but when it does, it happens 2-3 times a day usually. Again, so much fun.
The other thing is boredom. I know I should be crocheting or reading and I need to try and push myself to do more of those things so this time off work isn't a complete waste. But the pain med and nerve meds do make me sleepy. So there's a lot of waiting to fall asleep and then waking myself up when I wake up.
Some days I do manage to do a little more. Yesterday, I did a boatload of laundry, bathed both dogs cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, vacuumed my room and cleaned out my closet. Today, I've done a lot of crying and sleeping. I did manage to go on a short walk with Jeff this evening but I couldn't go far. And that pisses me off! I want to exercise and sweat all these toxins out of me so I can feel normal again. But I couldn't breath and I certainly didn't want to throw up at Cosby Lake, I mean my room might get jealous that it missed out on a puke session!
And this place underneath my ear will not heal. So I named it. I have met a wonderful bunch of friends on facebook. We call ourselves the ACC Warriors and all of us have or have had some form of ACC. They have been a tremendous help and encouragement to me. Only they know what I'm truly going through. But my friend named her ear wound "Earholio" and yes it was inspired by Beavis and Butthead's Cornholio. You may need to google that. So as a 80/90 MTV child myself, I went with it. My wound is called Burnholio because it looks like a burn hold. I have cared and cared and cared for Burnholio but he will not go away.
I mentioned that I have cried a lot today. I don't understand where all this is coming from. I take my Celexa and they even have me on ativan. I should not be so emotional. But it seems I cry a lot more than I ever used to.
Today I got to thinking about when my kids were little. We lived in a little house in Tarrant and we were so happy. That was probably the happiest time of my life. I didn't realize it then. I was trying to work, take care of a sick husband and finish my degree. I was so stressed out and I know I didn't take the time I needed to and should have to enjoy those little faces. I did the best I could but I still find myself wanting a do-over I'll never get.
When we moved out to Clay, my life was all about them. I was all involved in everything they did and even home schooled the girls for six years. I loved every minute. And I would do it all over again because it just went by so fast. And I'll never get it back.
Sometimes I think if I could put things back together with their father, then everything would be okay. Sometimes I feel like I still love him. But maybe that's the cancer/cancer treatment talking. I know he cares for me. And he's been really good to me throughout this cancer stuff.
And then I see people going through worse than I am and I start to have crises of faith. Why God? I know all the biblical answers so don't bother. But my mind and my heart are two different things. I may know in my mind that God works in mysterious ways, that He has a pan, that the world is a fallen place because of original sin blah blah blah. It still breaks my heart.
And on that note, as I am missing so many other things I love to do in life, I am really missing my outreach work. I need to be well so I can serve the Lord by serving others. I can't stand being stuck in the house afraid to do anything because I may get sick, lose my breath (or lunch) or just wear out. I need to be done with this "healing" and I'm running out of patience.
So yeah that's what going on in my crazy amazing life right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
And for the most part, I still don't feel any better. They said it would take about 2 weeks before some of this stuff would start to subside but I had hoped for sooner. I think I could deal with the throat pain if I would just stop coughing. My mouth and throat are full of thick, gooey, mucus that I can't seem to get rid of. That's partly due to the cancer and partly due to the fact that I can't eat yet. I've tried. I tried a milkshake from Jack's and a french fry and had to give it all to Jeff and Kayti. Nothing tastes right. I can't even drink water anymore because the taste is so tainted with mucus!
The doctors are pretty much useless now. I don't think they get it. They look at me astonishingly like I'm some freak from outer space because none of their suggested crap works. Hey, maybe the issues is you have never had this yourself so you don't have a clue what works and what doesn't. No, the magic mouthwash doesn't work. It's in my mouth for a few seconds and as soon as I spit it out..no lasting effects. The pain pills, I have apparently built up an immunity to. No pharmacy around here keeps anything stronger in pill form and the liquid form, I can't tell that it's any strong and most certainly it's more expensive. The same goes for the narcotic cough med. They give you this tiny little bottle. I go through it in a day and insurance thinks it's supposed to last me a month. So they don't want to pay for it. I finally got special approval after I went ahead and pay $60 for it! I'm in no hurry to try and do that again when it doesn't work any better than anything over the counter anyway.
The next suggestion was Mucinex. Sounds like it will get rid of mucus right? Well, not so much. Kayti bought my first bottle of it and it was blue. The blue tore my stomach up. So I bought pills to go in my pill crusher with everything else. Somehow these little suckers wouldn't crush up finely enough to go thru my feeding tube. So I attempted to just swallow one and I about choked. So back to robitussin DM which works okay but it doesn't last long.
They also said to keep my throat moist but I actually get more relief when I don't. I just have to be careful about dehydrating. So I push a lot of water thru my tube.
Those are normal days. Bad days are when I get to coughing so hard I pee myself. And yes, I know I need to address that with my GYN. I had planned on it. I had planned on also have uterine ablation so I would stop having periods, particularly now that they have gotten to be two weeks long every other week! Putting up with that is just extra fun!
I also get to coughing so badly sometimes I throw up. This happens about every other day but when it does, it happens 2-3 times a day usually. Again, so much fun.
The other thing is boredom. I know I should be crocheting or reading and I need to try and push myself to do more of those things so this time off work isn't a complete waste. But the pain med and nerve meds do make me sleepy. So there's a lot of waiting to fall asleep and then waking myself up when I wake up.
Some days I do manage to do a little more. Yesterday, I did a boatload of laundry, bathed both dogs cleaned the kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, vacuumed my room and cleaned out my closet. Today, I've done a lot of crying and sleeping. I did manage to go on a short walk with Jeff this evening but I couldn't go far. And that pisses me off! I want to exercise and sweat all these toxins out of me so I can feel normal again. But I couldn't breath and I certainly didn't want to throw up at Cosby Lake, I mean my room might get jealous that it missed out on a puke session!
And this place underneath my ear will not heal. So I named it. I have met a wonderful bunch of friends on facebook. We call ourselves the ACC Warriors and all of us have or have had some form of ACC. They have been a tremendous help and encouragement to me. Only they know what I'm truly going through. But my friend named her ear wound "Earholio" and yes it was inspired by Beavis and Butthead's Cornholio. You may need to google that. So as a 80/90 MTV child myself, I went with it. My wound is called Burnholio because it looks like a burn hold. I have cared and cared and cared for Burnholio but he will not go away.
I mentioned that I have cried a lot today. I don't understand where all this is coming from. I take my Celexa and they even have me on ativan. I should not be so emotional. But it seems I cry a lot more than I ever used to.
Today I got to thinking about when my kids were little. We lived in a little house in Tarrant and we were so happy. That was probably the happiest time of my life. I didn't realize it then. I was trying to work, take care of a sick husband and finish my degree. I was so stressed out and I know I didn't take the time I needed to and should have to enjoy those little faces. I did the best I could but I still find myself wanting a do-over I'll never get.
When we moved out to Clay, my life was all about them. I was all involved in everything they did and even home schooled the girls for six years. I loved every minute. And I would do it all over again because it just went by so fast. And I'll never get it back.
Sometimes I think if I could put things back together with their father, then everything would be okay. Sometimes I feel like I still love him. But maybe that's the cancer/cancer treatment talking. I know he cares for me. And he's been really good to me throughout this cancer stuff.
And then I see people going through worse than I am and I start to have crises of faith. Why God? I know all the biblical answers so don't bother. But my mind and my heart are two different things. I may know in my mind that God works in mysterious ways, that He has a pan, that the world is a fallen place because of original sin blah blah blah. It still breaks my heart.
And on that note, as I am missing so many other things I love to do in life, I am really missing my outreach work. I need to be well so I can serve the Lord by serving others. I can't stand being stuck in the house afraid to do anything because I may get sick, lose my breath (or lunch) or just wear out. I need to be done with this "healing" and I'm running out of patience.
So yeah that's what going on in my crazy amazing life right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Meltdowns and big decisions
So again this week I became faced with a major dilemma.
It started out as a routine assignment that seemed simple enough--go to this other website, follow the directions for a simulation project. I did that. I did it several times. For some reason it would not register that I'd done it.
All the while I'm stressing over homework and other things I don't understand and how in the world we're supposed to motivate some slacker teammates to help finish a project. etc. etc.
And at the same time, my throat hurts, I can't keep anything down, not sleeping well, yada yada yada
So this morning I get a message that I've been kicked off the team because I didn't do those silly little steps in the rehearsal simulation. But. I. Did. I swear I did.
I'm on the way to treatment when I'm reading this message so I start bawling and my mom is freaking, what's wrong what's wrong. I call my classmate and friend, Meagan to get her to look online for me because my smart phone really isn't all that smart. She called the professor for me and everything but the more freaked out I because the more the bug someone put in my ear last week about dropping started chirping louder.
We go in and my mom grabs the nurse to give me something to help me calm down. I have literally been praying and thinking about it all afternoon. Everyone is right. I do need to drop. I need to focus 100% completely and totally on my health right now. I thought by taking a leave of absence from work I'd have more time to pile up in the bed with the books but it hasn't worked out that way. I haven't had the energy to life my phone, let alone a book. I do what I have to do but I don't go above and beyond and in grad school, you have to go above and beyond!
I have really struggled with this decision and the consequences it will have. But I keep leaning on God's word that "instead of shame, I share receive a double portion" and "anything taken from me (by this devil of a disease, Cancer), I'll receive back. I'm counting on that.
Right now, it has to be about me and God.
It started out as a routine assignment that seemed simple enough--go to this other website, follow the directions for a simulation project. I did that. I did it several times. For some reason it would not register that I'd done it.
All the while I'm stressing over homework and other things I don't understand and how in the world we're supposed to motivate some slacker teammates to help finish a project. etc. etc.
And at the same time, my throat hurts, I can't keep anything down, not sleeping well, yada yada yada
So this morning I get a message that I've been kicked off the team because I didn't do those silly little steps in the rehearsal simulation. But. I. Did. I swear I did.
I'm on the way to treatment when I'm reading this message so I start bawling and my mom is freaking, what's wrong what's wrong. I call my classmate and friend, Meagan to get her to look online for me because my smart phone really isn't all that smart. She called the professor for me and everything but the more freaked out I because the more the bug someone put in my ear last week about dropping started chirping louder.
We go in and my mom grabs the nurse to give me something to help me calm down. I have literally been praying and thinking about it all afternoon. Everyone is right. I do need to drop. I need to focus 100% completely and totally on my health right now. I thought by taking a leave of absence from work I'd have more time to pile up in the bed with the books but it hasn't worked out that way. I haven't had the energy to life my phone, let alone a book. I do what I have to do but I don't go above and beyond and in grad school, you have to go above and beyond!
I have really struggled with this decision and the consequences it will have. But I keep leaning on God's word that "instead of shame, I share receive a double portion" and "anything taken from me (by this devil of a disease, Cancer), I'll receive back. I'm counting on that.
Right now, it has to be about me and God.
Monday, October 5, 2015
So the decision is....
I'm going to finish treatment.
If you're just now tuning in, I had been contemplating stopping my radiation treatments for several reasons:
1. They can't get my pain and other symptoms under control.
2. I found descrepencies in my records about the number of treatments I was supposed to actually be getting.
3. I was misled about the dosage being turned down after I would up in the hospital for a feeding tube.
4. A mistake was made in a prescription.
5. I just didn't trust them anymore.
Of course the opinions of what I should/shouldn't do were split down the middle. I had many people tell me I should stop and stop immediately because people have died before from too mach radiation, the treatment seems to be much worse than the disease itself, and I needed to get another opinion/switch doctors, etc.
There were others though, telling me to stick with it, it was only a few more, if I stopped now, the previous 25 and everything done up to this point would be a wast of time. I had several high risk factors, etc. etc.
I prayed and prayed and every time I would come to a decision, something or someone would come along and blow me out of the water and I'd be right back to now knowing what to do.
So I decided to go back to square 1--when I first found what turned out to be the cancer.
I first felt this knot around December 2013. I had it checked out the next month by a popular Trussville doctor (if you would like her name, please private message me) only to be told it was nothing to worry about. It was just a swollen lymph node from being sick over the winter (which I hadn't been sick and I told her that) that would most likely go down in a few months. It didn't.
A few months later, I went to the new MedHelp on Chalkville Mountain Road. Again, I was told the same thing but this time I did get a prescription of useless antibiotics.
A few months after that, I'd begun seeing Melanie Miller at Birmingham Integrative. Her third son was in my class when I was still teaching preschool at Trussville FUMC and I'd always liked her. But I knew being an integrative doctor, she was more likely to lean torward that "healy feely" stuff that I don't much care for. But then someone told me she gives you the choice--meds or holistic so I made and appointment to establish care, She started by trying to help me get my weigh under control, sleep issues, etc. But then on one visit I told her about the knot. She couldn't feel it herself which she said is not uncommon. We can always feel things from the inside more than from the outside but she ordered an ultrasound anyway. A week later I had the ultrasound and the technician said there was something there I needed to get looked at further. So then I was referred to Dr .Jebeles at Southern ENT. He did a scan which came back clean and a biopsy which came back benign but he still wanted me to see a specialist at UAB, Dr. Carroll an otolaryngologist. Dr. Carroll, recommended that the tumor, though small and benign come on out because it would only get bigger and the bigger they get the more difficult they are to remove because they start to obstruct facial nerves. So I said, let's do it.
A few weeks later, during surgery, he thought it didn't look right and had it sent to the lab for preliminary results. The lab guys all agreed--it looked like cancer. So while still under anethesia--not knowing any of this--Dr. Carroll removed a larger margin of tissue and some additional lymph nodes. I was told all of this when I woke up and as you can imagine, it was quite upsetting. I prayed for the next two weeks that they were wrong but they were right. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma an uncommon form of malignant neoplasm that arises within secretory glands, most commonly the major and minor salivary glands of the head and neck. It was a good thing I had went ahead and head the surgery, that I'd pressed until I found someone to actually look at it instead of ASSUMING they already knew it wasn't anything major. It was a good thing that I actually found Melanie Miller.
And so today I went back to her to tell her everything and get her opinion about what I should do. Knowing that she practices western medicine but isn't a disciple--in other words, she knows its limitations. I knew she wouldn't be gung ho to sell me on the radiation. I knew she would be honest with me if there were alternatives or if I was putting my body through too much.
She pulled up all the path reports and told me I should try to finish. She said there were things she could do to help me get through it if I need to and would be more than willing to help but since I had made it this far, she really felt it would be in my best interest to finish. That was all I needed to hear.
I went for my 26th treatment today. I got refills on meds (and that's a whole other blog, my opinion about pharmacies and insurance plans! ugh!) and came home to rest. I'm marking off the days and planning my "rign the bell" party because it's getting close!
If you're just now tuning in, I had been contemplating stopping my radiation treatments for several reasons:
1. They can't get my pain and other symptoms under control.
2. I found descrepencies in my records about the number of treatments I was supposed to actually be getting.
3. I was misled about the dosage being turned down after I would up in the hospital for a feeding tube.
4. A mistake was made in a prescription.
5. I just didn't trust them anymore.
Of course the opinions of what I should/shouldn't do were split down the middle. I had many people tell me I should stop and stop immediately because people have died before from too mach radiation, the treatment seems to be much worse than the disease itself, and I needed to get another opinion/switch doctors, etc.
There were others though, telling me to stick with it, it was only a few more, if I stopped now, the previous 25 and everything done up to this point would be a wast of time. I had several high risk factors, etc. etc.
I prayed and prayed and every time I would come to a decision, something or someone would come along and blow me out of the water and I'd be right back to now knowing what to do.
So I decided to go back to square 1--when I first found what turned out to be the cancer.
I first felt this knot around December 2013. I had it checked out the next month by a popular Trussville doctor (if you would like her name, please private message me) only to be told it was nothing to worry about. It was just a swollen lymph node from being sick over the winter (which I hadn't been sick and I told her that) that would most likely go down in a few months. It didn't.
A few months later, I went to the new MedHelp on Chalkville Mountain Road. Again, I was told the same thing but this time I did get a prescription of useless antibiotics.
A few months after that, I'd begun seeing Melanie Miller at Birmingham Integrative. Her third son was in my class when I was still teaching preschool at Trussville FUMC and I'd always liked her. But I knew being an integrative doctor, she was more likely to lean torward that "healy feely" stuff that I don't much care for. But then someone told me she gives you the choice--meds or holistic so I made and appointment to establish care, She started by trying to help me get my weigh under control, sleep issues, etc. But then on one visit I told her about the knot. She couldn't feel it herself which she said is not uncommon. We can always feel things from the inside more than from the outside but she ordered an ultrasound anyway. A week later I had the ultrasound and the technician said there was something there I needed to get looked at further. So then I was referred to Dr .Jebeles at Southern ENT. He did a scan which came back clean and a biopsy which came back benign but he still wanted me to see a specialist at UAB, Dr. Carroll an otolaryngologist. Dr. Carroll, recommended that the tumor, though small and benign come on out because it would only get bigger and the bigger they get the more difficult they are to remove because they start to obstruct facial nerves. So I said, let's do it.
A few weeks later, during surgery, he thought it didn't look right and had it sent to the lab for preliminary results. The lab guys all agreed--it looked like cancer. So while still under anethesia--not knowing any of this--Dr. Carroll removed a larger margin of tissue and some additional lymph nodes. I was told all of this when I woke up and as you can imagine, it was quite upsetting. I prayed for the next two weeks that they were wrong but they were right. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma an uncommon form of malignant neoplasm that arises within secretory glands, most commonly the major and minor salivary glands of the head and neck. It was a good thing I had went ahead and head the surgery, that I'd pressed until I found someone to actually look at it instead of ASSUMING they already knew it wasn't anything major. It was a good thing that I actually found Melanie Miller.
And so today I went back to her to tell her everything and get her opinion about what I should do. Knowing that she practices western medicine but isn't a disciple--in other words, she knows its limitations. I knew she wouldn't be gung ho to sell me on the radiation. I knew she would be honest with me if there were alternatives or if I was putting my body through too much.
She pulled up all the path reports and told me I should try to finish. She said there were things she could do to help me get through it if I need to and would be more than willing to help but since I had made it this far, she really felt it would be in my best interest to finish. That was all I needed to hear.
I went for my 26th treatment today. I got refills on meds (and that's a whole other blog, my opinion about pharmacies and insurance plans! ugh!) and came home to rest. I'm marking off the days and planning my "rign the bell" party because it's getting close!
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Still breathing...
I had the feeding tube put in September 19 at UAB Hospital. It went relatively well, despite all my fears and just for added fun starting my cycle 2 days before and lasted for 17 days! Sorry if TMI. I had planned on having that taken care of once and for all before I found out I would be dealing with cancer. Believe me, it's next on the list.
My precious mother stayed with me in the hospital that night and I felt so badly for her. I think hospitals purposely make it uncomfortable so that people won't want to stay overnight with loved ones. I get it. Some people can be in the way and bothersome. But there are some families like mine that you wouldn't get us out with tar and a pitchfork so hospital admins might as well just get over it. It turned out I really needed my mom. I already had NO voice. No one could understand me but her. In surgery, they put the IV right in the crease of my elbow so every time I bent my arm the alarm would go off and they would have to come in and do something with it. I was in a semi-private room also which for this procedure I din't mind but still, I needed my mama! All she had to sleep on was a slightly reclining easy chair. The nurse brought her a pillow and blanket but I could tell she was very uncomfortable. I love her so much for going through that for me. They showed us how to administer feedings, pain meds, clean it and everything and gave us a lot of information to read and we were on our way.
The rest of the weekend was a blur. I had a radiation treatment on Monday and went back to work Tuesday. I tried to resume some school stuff but I was still either coughing too badly, throat hurting too much, busy messing with the tube, couldn't breathe, or something. It seems like everything they attempt to do to make me better either doesn't work or ends up having its own set of issues. Most days I can't concentrate on anything . I'm very emotional, easily agitated and so I decided to just go ahead and take a leave of absence from work. I worked the rest of the week, Tuesday-Friday. My sweet boss who is the CFO of the firm is a 5 year breast cancer survivor and one of my biggest advocates. She literally held my and through all the HR stuff and said for me not to worry about anything but getting better.
So I returned to the doctor Monday again with mom because I'm throwing up again and dehydrated. They gave me steroids, fluids and another treatment and when I asked them about turning down the dosage like they had told me they were and the doctor looked at me puzzled and then her expression changed. Something like, "Oh crap, I forgot". But she managed to stammer out a yes, yes, oh yes.
I told my mom I don't believe them. It's not getting any better and after the mixup with the prescription (she wrote me a presciption for a medicine that does not exist! I chased all over Birmingham looking like some junkie in search of a score!).
So the next day when I went in for treatment, I demanded to see my records. I wanted the to show me WHERE the dosage had been turned down and they couldn't. They showed me in one place where a percentage went from 100 to 105 (and I realize I dont have a MD but I do have a MBA so I think I can't count so WHERE IS 100 to 105 A DECREASE?????
I was so upset and I told my mom that told them I quit treatment. Of course they told my mom to encourage me to stay with it, that I was harming myself if I didn't , that all of what they've already done will be for nothing etc.
Mom told them she would try but that they are
1) dragging it out by not letting me do double
2) lied about the rx
3) lied about the dosage
4) can't get my pain under control
5) can't keep anything down
6) almost constantly dehydrated
7) now I'm throwing up blood and tissue
8) just do not trust them anymore
9) cant stop coughing
10) they cant guarantee me this will work anyway
I have been in prayer, deep prayer, about all of this. I have friends and family telling me to keep going, finish. At least you know you did all you could. I have an equal number telling me it's just not worth it. Radiation actually kills people and they are probably frying my throat.
I will think I have made up my mind and have God's perfect peace about it and then something will happen, like my mom will call saying my doctor thinks it's a big mistake to stop. (of course they do)
I am NOT into that healy feely shit like some of ya'll are. There may be some truth to it but frankly I'm just too lazy. I'm not even going to buy organic produce let alone grow it myself! Vinegar and baking soda does NOT smell as clean as lysol and bleach and tree bark and kiwis do NOT taste as good as steak, fluffy white potatoes and cake! And don't get me started about the oils! I'll buy your arguments all day long, especially where it pertains to chemicals. But I know myself and I know I"m not likely to do it just now.
I'm seeing my regular doctor tomorow. I am praying that she will do a scan and see how things look and give me her opinion.
It's not that I can't take it. If I thought it were working, I'd be all about it. I just don't have any faith in them anymore. They only faith I have is in my Great Physician and He is my ultimate Healer.
My precious mother stayed with me in the hospital that night and I felt so badly for her. I think hospitals purposely make it uncomfortable so that people won't want to stay overnight with loved ones. I get it. Some people can be in the way and bothersome. But there are some families like mine that you wouldn't get us out with tar and a pitchfork so hospital admins might as well just get over it. It turned out I really needed my mom. I already had NO voice. No one could understand me but her. In surgery, they put the IV right in the crease of my elbow so every time I bent my arm the alarm would go off and they would have to come in and do something with it. I was in a semi-private room also which for this procedure I din't mind but still, I needed my mama! All she had to sleep on was a slightly reclining easy chair. The nurse brought her a pillow and blanket but I could tell she was very uncomfortable. I love her so much for going through that for me. They showed us how to administer feedings, pain meds, clean it and everything and gave us a lot of information to read and we were on our way.
The rest of the weekend was a blur. I had a radiation treatment on Monday and went back to work Tuesday. I tried to resume some school stuff but I was still either coughing too badly, throat hurting too much, busy messing with the tube, couldn't breathe, or something. It seems like everything they attempt to do to make me better either doesn't work or ends up having its own set of issues. Most days I can't concentrate on anything . I'm very emotional, easily agitated and so I decided to just go ahead and take a leave of absence from work. I worked the rest of the week, Tuesday-Friday. My sweet boss who is the CFO of the firm is a 5 year breast cancer survivor and one of my biggest advocates. She literally held my and through all the HR stuff and said for me not to worry about anything but getting better.
So I returned to the doctor Monday again with mom because I'm throwing up again and dehydrated. They gave me steroids, fluids and another treatment and when I asked them about turning down the dosage like they had told me they were and the doctor looked at me puzzled and then her expression changed. Something like, "Oh crap, I forgot". But she managed to stammer out a yes, yes, oh yes.
I told my mom I don't believe them. It's not getting any better and after the mixup with the prescription (she wrote me a presciption for a medicine that does not exist! I chased all over Birmingham looking like some junkie in search of a score!).
So the next day when I went in for treatment, I demanded to see my records. I wanted the to show me WHERE the dosage had been turned down and they couldn't. They showed me in one place where a percentage went from 100 to 105 (and I realize I dont have a MD but I do have a MBA so I think I can't count so WHERE IS 100 to 105 A DECREASE?????
I was so upset and I told my mom that told them I quit treatment. Of course they told my mom to encourage me to stay with it, that I was harming myself if I didn't , that all of what they've already done will be for nothing etc.
Mom told them she would try but that they are
1) dragging it out by not letting me do double
2) lied about the rx
3) lied about the dosage
4) can't get my pain under control
5) can't keep anything down
6) almost constantly dehydrated
7) now I'm throwing up blood and tissue
8) just do not trust them anymore
9) cant stop coughing
10) they cant guarantee me this will work anyway
I have been in prayer, deep prayer, about all of this. I have friends and family telling me to keep going, finish. At least you know you did all you could. I have an equal number telling me it's just not worth it. Radiation actually kills people and they are probably frying my throat.
I will think I have made up my mind and have God's perfect peace about it and then something will happen, like my mom will call saying my doctor thinks it's a big mistake to stop. (of course they do)
I am NOT into that healy feely shit like some of ya'll are. There may be some truth to it but frankly I'm just too lazy. I'm not even going to buy organic produce let alone grow it myself! Vinegar and baking soda does NOT smell as clean as lysol and bleach and tree bark and kiwis do NOT taste as good as steak, fluffy white potatoes and cake! And don't get me started about the oils! I'll buy your arguments all day long, especially where it pertains to chemicals. But I know myself and I know I"m not likely to do it just now.
I'm seeing my regular doctor tomorow. I am praying that she will do a scan and see how things look and give me her opinion.
It's not that I can't take it. If I thought it were working, I'd be all about it. I just don't have any faith in them anymore. They only faith I have is in my Great Physician and He is my ultimate Healer.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Untitled
I could title this post many things...Hell, My Descent Into Hell, Blessings in the Midst of Hell...
You get the idea. I'm trying to stay positive but it's so very difficult when I feel like I'm swallowing razor blades!
As soon as I got a little bit of energy back and went back to work, the pain started. And Oh. Em. Gee! I made it to Friday thinking I could rest my throat over the weekend but after Monday and waking up constantly throughout the night I had to say, "Enough!"
I have lost my voice completely so I had my mom call the doctor to tell them I quit. Naturally, that didn't go over very well. And the cynical side of me is thinking, "Yeah, they are pissed about the money they'll lose if I don't finish." We asked if I could take a break and heal up and they said no because radiation has a build up effect. So I said well, I hope I'm all built up because I am done. Well, then they relented a little bit. The doctor asked us to come in, get some IV fluids and discuss a few options.
They doubled my pain meds for starters but I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to function at work on this much pain med. I make enough mistakes as it is because I'm still very new at my job and the powers that be don't have a lot of patience for mistakes. I could take a leave of absence. But it would be unpaid and while it wouldn't kill me, I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to. And doubling the pain med really doesn't help much with the pain. It just knocks me out.
And all this time I had been thinking they got all the cancer that this was just a precaution in case there was something microscopic when low and behold she informs me that I have several high risk factors for the cancer to return. It had actually spread to one of the lymph nodes outside the parotid gland. That was the first time I'd heard that. So the cynical side of me is thinking, yeah, right, you're making this up. Why haven't I heard it before?
She told me, "I know you're tying to keep working and all but I'm trying to keep you around for your kids and future grandkids. I would not push for this treatment if it were not absolutely necessary."
So then she suggests that I get the feeding tube because if I have some nutrition going in, I'll feel much better and be able to fight off the pain or at least tolerate it. And after I get the tube in, I'm going to resume radiation at a lower dose because I've lost so much weight. So I'm going in tomorrow for the feeding tube and will probably have to stay overnight. I am going to miss Brooke's game and I am NOT AT ALL happy about that. I may not be the best mom in the world but I haven't missed much where my kids are concerned and it's absolutely killing me to miss even ONE game of her SENIOR year.
Having a feeding tube put in, even though it's a procedure done many times a day at hospitals around the country, carries its own risks. There's always a chance of infection, them nicking something somewhere, etc. etc.
So I've faced the issue of my own mortality a lot lately. I'm not afraid of dying itself. I know where I'm going. And while there are still many things I would like to do, I did do way more than I ever thought I would so I'm okay with that. What worries me about dying is my kids, friends and family I will leave behind. I think it would shatter Kayti's and my mom's faith beyond repair. They both already struggle with those things and I am afraid they would see my death as God slapping them in the face once again.
So if I do die and they read this later, please know that God did not do this because He is mad at you, me or anybody. Maybe He decided to take away my pain and spare me from something bigger on down the road. Maybe I have fulfilled my purpose on Earth and it's just time. I don't know. None of us ever can. That's why they call it faith. Believe me when I say that I love you all so very much and have been blessed WAY beyond what I deserve. It's okay to be mad at Him. God understands anger. That's the way He made us. But let Him also comfort you and don't turn your back on him because I want to see you again one day. Maw Maw and I will be waiting!
And as morbid as some of you might think, I have planned out my living will and dream funeral in my head so I may as well put it in writing:
If I'm in a vegetative state, I'm not living. If there is absolutely no chance of me ever regaining use of my brain, if I'll never breathe on my own again, let me go. I don't want to starve to death but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Find a way.
I do NOT want to be buried. Donate any and all body parts that can possibly be of use to someone else. Cremate the rest. And since it's not "legal" you'll have to sneak my ashes down to the Gulf! It's the best place on earth and I have always thought it would be neat to be a mermaid! I'd rather this be a private thing. My family, kids, their dad and just a few close friends.
But everyone else--throw a party! Eat lots and lots of great food! Drink and be merry (just don't drive home--it's not your time yet!) and dance your tails off!
If Michael is available and willing, I'd like him to sing. Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel), Time of Your Life (Green Day), In My Life (Beatles). I'd also like Michele Willis to sing Place of Freedom, Flawless and Holy Spirit (you are welcome here).
I do want someone to offer some encouragement. I doubt Pastor Chris would be available but Steve Blair re-baptized me a few years ago and so has a special place in my heart even though I don't know him well. And I've always adored Michele's husband Ernie. Layne, Hamp or any of the others at Highlands are fine as is Dane Hays and Demetrius Hicks who became a good friend during LIFE a few years ago.
If the kids want to do a slide-show, that's fine. If anyone else wants to share--good, bad, or ugly--that's fine, too. You guys know I've always been an open book so go for it! I've been blessed by so many people in my life. I hope they all know how much they mean to me. I hope my family knows how much I love them, especially my three kids. You made my life so wonderful! There are no words. I'm watching over you so make YOUR life wonderful now!
Love you all so very much!
You get the idea. I'm trying to stay positive but it's so very difficult when I feel like I'm swallowing razor blades!
As soon as I got a little bit of energy back and went back to work, the pain started. And Oh. Em. Gee! I made it to Friday thinking I could rest my throat over the weekend but after Monday and waking up constantly throughout the night I had to say, "Enough!"
I have lost my voice completely so I had my mom call the doctor to tell them I quit. Naturally, that didn't go over very well. And the cynical side of me is thinking, "Yeah, they are pissed about the money they'll lose if I don't finish." We asked if I could take a break and heal up and they said no because radiation has a build up effect. So I said well, I hope I'm all built up because I am done. Well, then they relented a little bit. The doctor asked us to come in, get some IV fluids and discuss a few options.
They doubled my pain meds for starters but I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to function at work on this much pain med. I make enough mistakes as it is because I'm still very new at my job and the powers that be don't have a lot of patience for mistakes. I could take a leave of absence. But it would be unpaid and while it wouldn't kill me, I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to. And doubling the pain med really doesn't help much with the pain. It just knocks me out.
And all this time I had been thinking they got all the cancer that this was just a precaution in case there was something microscopic when low and behold she informs me that I have several high risk factors for the cancer to return. It had actually spread to one of the lymph nodes outside the parotid gland. That was the first time I'd heard that. So the cynical side of me is thinking, yeah, right, you're making this up. Why haven't I heard it before?
She told me, "I know you're tying to keep working and all but I'm trying to keep you around for your kids and future grandkids. I would not push for this treatment if it were not absolutely necessary."
So then she suggests that I get the feeding tube because if I have some nutrition going in, I'll feel much better and be able to fight off the pain or at least tolerate it. And after I get the tube in, I'm going to resume radiation at a lower dose because I've lost so much weight. So I'm going in tomorrow for the feeding tube and will probably have to stay overnight. I am going to miss Brooke's game and I am NOT AT ALL happy about that. I may not be the best mom in the world but I haven't missed much where my kids are concerned and it's absolutely killing me to miss even ONE game of her SENIOR year.
Having a feeding tube put in, even though it's a procedure done many times a day at hospitals around the country, carries its own risks. There's always a chance of infection, them nicking something somewhere, etc. etc.
So I've faced the issue of my own mortality a lot lately. I'm not afraid of dying itself. I know where I'm going. And while there are still many things I would like to do, I did do way more than I ever thought I would so I'm okay with that. What worries me about dying is my kids, friends and family I will leave behind. I think it would shatter Kayti's and my mom's faith beyond repair. They both already struggle with those things and I am afraid they would see my death as God slapping them in the face once again.
So if I do die and they read this later, please know that God did not do this because He is mad at you, me or anybody. Maybe He decided to take away my pain and spare me from something bigger on down the road. Maybe I have fulfilled my purpose on Earth and it's just time. I don't know. None of us ever can. That's why they call it faith. Believe me when I say that I love you all so very much and have been blessed WAY beyond what I deserve. It's okay to be mad at Him. God understands anger. That's the way He made us. But let Him also comfort you and don't turn your back on him because I want to see you again one day. Maw Maw and I will be waiting!
And as morbid as some of you might think, I have planned out my living will and dream funeral in my head so I may as well put it in writing:
If I'm in a vegetative state, I'm not living. If there is absolutely no chance of me ever regaining use of my brain, if I'll never breathe on my own again, let me go. I don't want to starve to death but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. Find a way.
I do NOT want to be buried. Donate any and all body parts that can possibly be of use to someone else. Cremate the rest. And since it's not "legal" you'll have to sneak my ashes down to the Gulf! It's the best place on earth and I have always thought it would be neat to be a mermaid! I'd rather this be a private thing. My family, kids, their dad and just a few close friends.
But everyone else--throw a party! Eat lots and lots of great food! Drink and be merry (just don't drive home--it's not your time yet!) and dance your tails off!
If Michael is available and willing, I'd like him to sing. Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel), Time of Your Life (Green Day), In My Life (Beatles). I'd also like Michele Willis to sing Place of Freedom, Flawless and Holy Spirit (you are welcome here).
I do want someone to offer some encouragement. I doubt Pastor Chris would be available but Steve Blair re-baptized me a few years ago and so has a special place in my heart even though I don't know him well. And I've always adored Michele's husband Ernie. Layne, Hamp or any of the others at Highlands are fine as is Dane Hays and Demetrius Hicks who became a good friend during LIFE a few years ago.
If the kids want to do a slide-show, that's fine. If anyone else wants to share--good, bad, or ugly--that's fine, too. You guys know I've always been an open book so go for it! I've been blessed by so many people in my life. I hope they all know how much they mean to me. I hope my family knows how much I love them, especially my three kids. You made my life so wonderful! There are no words. I'm watching over you so make YOUR life wonderful now!
Love you all so very much!
Monday, September 7, 2015
Almost halfway
and wishing it was over already!
It's Labor Day and I have been in bed since Friday night! I can't eat anything without throwing up. I have tried everything: pudding, baked potato, mac and cheese, refried beans--it all makes me want to puke.
I hate to sound whiny but since I'm hungry and I'm whiny when I'm hungry, there ya go! I know young children, even babies and others go through much worse and my hat is off to them because I'm struggling with the idea of stopping treatment. They got it all during surgery (or so they say)--this is supposed to be in case there is something microscopic. How much torture does it take to get rid of something microscopic?
It has burnt up my throat and caused sores all over because guess what? They didn't think to ask if I had metal fillings. Duh. What person over 30 doesn't? So the radiation has been pinging off the metal and making it worse. Finally, we got that under control with some beeswax and lidocaine mouthwash but I can't taste anything and the things I can swallow feel like big lumps of snot trying to slide down my throat. I can only handle a few bites of ramen at a time. Good thing it's cheap. I don't even like the taste of tea or coke and definitely no coffee. Even powerade I can't finish. About the only thing I can finish is water or carnation instant breakfast. And that is getting so old.
Before all this I did get to the beach for a few days with my awesome friends. I tried to eat but I couldn't taste it so I definitely didn't finish. Oh how I miss food!
I'm trying not to get dehydrated but I won't be surprised if I have to get an IV or two before it's all over with. And I cannot wait for it be all over with!
It's Labor Day and I have been in bed since Friday night! I can't eat anything without throwing up. I have tried everything: pudding, baked potato, mac and cheese, refried beans--it all makes me want to puke.
I hate to sound whiny but since I'm hungry and I'm whiny when I'm hungry, there ya go! I know young children, even babies and others go through much worse and my hat is off to them because I'm struggling with the idea of stopping treatment. They got it all during surgery (or so they say)--this is supposed to be in case there is something microscopic. How much torture does it take to get rid of something microscopic?
It has burnt up my throat and caused sores all over because guess what? They didn't think to ask if I had metal fillings. Duh. What person over 30 doesn't? So the radiation has been pinging off the metal and making it worse. Finally, we got that under control with some beeswax and lidocaine mouthwash but I can't taste anything and the things I can swallow feel like big lumps of snot trying to slide down my throat. I can only handle a few bites of ramen at a time. Good thing it's cheap. I don't even like the taste of tea or coke and definitely no coffee. Even powerade I can't finish. About the only thing I can finish is water or carnation instant breakfast. And that is getting so old.
Before all this I did get to the beach for a few days with my awesome friends. I tried to eat but I couldn't taste it so I definitely didn't finish. Oh how I miss food!
I'm trying not to get dehydrated but I won't be surprised if I have to get an IV or two before it's all over with. And I cannot wait for it be all over with!
Friday, August 21, 2015
7 down...
and this is not fun!
Monday, the ex went with me.
Sometimes we are best friends. Sometimes I wish I could completely erase him from my life. This was taken during one of the moments when we (obviously) were the former. Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the latter. So maybe I best just leave it at that.
Tuesday I decided to try it alone. It really only takes 10 minutes once I'm there and coming home to coordinate rides is such a hassle. I've had many of you volunteer to go with me and I really do appreciate it. But now that I'm over the initial anxiety of it, I'm okay and it's easier for me to just go, get it over with and either go home and go to bed or go back to work.
Monday, the ex went with me.
Sometimes we are best friends. Sometimes I wish I could completely erase him from my life. This was taken during one of the moments when we (obviously) were the former. Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the latter. So maybe I best just leave it at that.
Tuesday I decided to try it alone. It really only takes 10 minutes once I'm there and coming home to coordinate rides is such a hassle. I've had many of you volunteer to go with me and I really do appreciate it. But now that I'm over the initial anxiety of it, I'm okay and it's easier for me to just go, get it over with and either go home and go to bed or go back to work.
I was not feeling the best. My throat is starting to get sore and the pain med is making me nauseous.
Wednesday was a very rough day! I'd argued with Kayti and of course, the ex. Again, gonna leave it alone. But I'd cried most of the day, still feeling nauseous and throat still scratchy.
For added fun, the clinic called at 6 a.m. and told me the machines were down at Acton Road and I needed to go downtown for treatment. Since before I began treatment, I'm doing good to answer a phone at 6 a..m. let alone remember anything said during the conversation. Somehow I got the time wrong but not by much. I also did not realize the cancer center was not actually in the Kirklin Clinic downtown (it is at Acton Rd) so I was late but they were pretty gracious. I went back to work since it was the middle of the day but I did not get much done. The powers that be at work decided our department needed to be on a different floor and I found out I had an hour to get my stuff packed and moved to my new area. All the dust flying, noise, chaos, people cleaning with strong chemicals, not to mention my regular nausea...I was SICK AS A DOG! I left around 4 and went home, put on my pajamas and just vegged. I did manage to mop, vaccuum and clean my own kitchen and get some laundry done since no one else around here seems to do it. (they say they do but not to my standards apparently)
Feeling much better on this Friday! I got a lot more done at work than usual but still left at 3 for treatment. Kayti and I ran a few errands, got takeout and I'm home on a Friday night, in my pajamas, getting some grad school homework done. (this better pay off big soon!) I'm not so nauseous today but NOTHING tastes right. I now know why they were telling me to eat all that tree bark and bermuda grass--I may as well be eating healthy because everything tastes like crap. I didn't even finish my Mexican takeout. And my throat is getting even more sore. I will see the doctor Monday and I will definitely be getting some mouth rinse!
Oh yeah--haven't had any coffee all week. I have had caffeine, but just not coffee and I LOVE coffee! But I can't handle the hot right now. Everything has to be cold! Very cold!
Friday, August 14, 2015
2 down, 31 to go!
Well ,give or take. I've been approved for 42 treatments but it doesn't look like that many have been scheduled. I got my calendar of appointments yesterday at my first treatment and it looks like I'm booked every day until September 28 except for Labor Day when they are closed.
I took at ativan yesterday at 2 p.m. because the anxiety was about to kill me. I left work, went and picked up my mom and we drove over to the cancer center. They showed me where to go, where to get undressed, etc. and then I got my mouthpiece and mask and strapped down. It took about 15 minutes. My jaw was sore when I was done and the tech told me next time to try and relax my jaw more and don't bite down.
Then mom and I met with the nurse and she explained what all I might experience as far as side effects go and what they could do etc. I have been truly blessed with some sweet nurses and technicians.
Mom then drove me to Mango Tango for a smoothie and then home. I took a pain pill, laid down on the couch around 5 p.m. and knew nothing else until 8 a.m.!
I hurried and got ready for work and we had a meeting of bad news. Trying to keep an open mind so I won't share anything yet but it has not been a great day.
Then EQ, my work bff, and I left for another treatment. This time it only took 5 minutes and I did not need to speak with a nurse or anything so we left and headed to Steel City Pops for a soothing treat for my throat which is already getting really sore!
I finished the work day and here I am. At home. Bored. Depressed. Tired. The bad news is this will probably be how I am for the next six weeks. The good news is, it's only six weeks.
I took at ativan yesterday at 2 p.m. because the anxiety was about to kill me. I left work, went and picked up my mom and we drove over to the cancer center. They showed me where to go, where to get undressed, etc. and then I got my mouthpiece and mask and strapped down. It took about 15 minutes. My jaw was sore when I was done and the tech told me next time to try and relax my jaw more and don't bite down.
Then mom and I met with the nurse and she explained what all I might experience as far as side effects go and what they could do etc. I have been truly blessed with some sweet nurses and technicians.
Mom then drove me to Mango Tango for a smoothie and then home. I took a pain pill, laid down on the couch around 5 p.m. and knew nothing else until 8 a.m.!
I hurried and got ready for work and we had a meeting of bad news. Trying to keep an open mind so I won't share anything yet but it has not been a great day.
Then EQ, my work bff, and I left for another treatment. This time it only took 5 minutes and I did not need to speak with a nurse or anything so we left and headed to Steel City Pops for a soothing treat for my throat which is already getting really sore!
I finished the work day and here I am. At home. Bored. Depressed. Tired. The bad news is this will probably be how I am for the next six weeks. The good news is, it's only six weeks.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Woman, interrupted
I'm sitting here at 6 a.m. listening to Church of the Highlands 21 Days of prayer services online. I'm trying to let my soul find comfort in the music but I can't still my mind. I remember back to almost a few months ago when I was told I had cancer and after the initial shock I felt this peace wash over me and then my fight instinct kicked in. I want to get those feelings back and stop being so irritated and overwhelmed but somehow I just can't get back to that place of peace no matter what I do.
I had a great weekend. Had dinner with my high school friends again and then Saturday, Jeff, Kayti and I went tubing down the Little Cahaba. Sunday I did church online, some much needed housework, a few hours at the pool and went grocery shopping. We went and got our white-out shirts for the football game and I tried to get in bed early.
Then I go to work and hear about all the stuff we're not doing right or new client directives, etc., open the mailbox to more bills and junk, try to get home so I can cut the grass but the bottom falls out of the sky and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and get irritated all over again. I know this is just life stuff but everything just bothers me so much more right now. It's hard to explain or put into words.
So I was supposed to have heard from oncology about a start date by Monday but the only thing I got was an appointment for a nutritionist and another for a pain management doctor--both at the end of August. So I'm thinking, okay, they're waiting until the beginning of September to start. Okay, at least I'll get in one last beach trip! Then yesterday this rude little nurse calls while I'm in a work meeting and leaves me a voice mail TELLING ME my first radiation appointment is Thursday at 11:20.
Um, no!
In the first place, they jerk me around for weeks making me wait until my fight is about gone and then drop the bomb. Then they just assume I have nothing to do and schedule it for the middle of the day? I don't think so.
So I call her and told her that's not going to happen. I work a full time job and yes, I know, this is my health we're talking about here but I have two kids still at home to feed. If I die, they'll get life insurance and can feed themselves but as long as I'm living, I have to work! I can't come in the middle of the day like that ESPECIALLY since I have to take a nerve pill prior to treatment. I'm going to have to go all the way home, pick up mom or one of the girls to go with me and then drive all the way back to Acton Road. I have to have something later--much later.
She proceeds to tell me that's the only time she has available. Um, this lady apparently doesn't know me or know not to try and bully me or back me into a corner! So I told her just forget the whole thing, I'm not doing it and I explained all that to her again. So she says, "well I was under the impression you wanted morning."
Girl, please--11:30 is not morning on a workday! And yes I did want mornings--early early mornings so I could still go to work after. But I can't take ativan, get a treatment and still work all day. Ativan knocks me on my butt!
So she sighs and says let me see what I can do and I'll call you back. A few hours later she leaves another voicemail message--this time it's 3:05. Better but not really good enough. So I just lost it.
All my wonderful co-workers tell me I really don't have a choice and I know they're right (to a point) but I have just lost my will. I don't want to do this. I don't want my life interrupted! I don't want to inconvenience people or tell people I can't do things because I have cancer.
After finally gaining some composure back and arranging the logistics I call back. This time I get a different nurse. I guess the other one was sick of me, too. haha I told her this time the time would be fine but we're definitely going to have to work at getting it later in the day and hopefully I'll get used to it, less anxious and maybe switch to mornings. I also asked about taking a few days off to go out of town and she said I'd have to talk to the doctor but usually they just add those treatments onto the end.
They're gonna have to. My mind is made up. People miss all the time. The clinic is going to be closed for Labor Day, the machines will be down at times. Stuff happens. Life happens. Interruptions happen.
I am still praying I'll be able to keep doing what I enjoy during this time because the hardest thing for me to take are the interruptions. But for now, I guess that's what I'll just be--a woman, interrupted.
I had a great weekend. Had dinner with my high school friends again and then Saturday, Jeff, Kayti and I went tubing down the Little Cahaba. Sunday I did church online, some much needed housework, a few hours at the pool and went grocery shopping. We went and got our white-out shirts for the football game and I tried to get in bed early.
Then I go to work and hear about all the stuff we're not doing right or new client directives, etc., open the mailbox to more bills and junk, try to get home so I can cut the grass but the bottom falls out of the sky and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and get irritated all over again. I know this is just life stuff but everything just bothers me so much more right now. It's hard to explain or put into words.
So I was supposed to have heard from oncology about a start date by Monday but the only thing I got was an appointment for a nutritionist and another for a pain management doctor--both at the end of August. So I'm thinking, okay, they're waiting until the beginning of September to start. Okay, at least I'll get in one last beach trip! Then yesterday this rude little nurse calls while I'm in a work meeting and leaves me a voice mail TELLING ME my first radiation appointment is Thursday at 11:20.
Um, no!
In the first place, they jerk me around for weeks making me wait until my fight is about gone and then drop the bomb. Then they just assume I have nothing to do and schedule it for the middle of the day? I don't think so.
So I call her and told her that's not going to happen. I work a full time job and yes, I know, this is my health we're talking about here but I have two kids still at home to feed. If I die, they'll get life insurance and can feed themselves but as long as I'm living, I have to work! I can't come in the middle of the day like that ESPECIALLY since I have to take a nerve pill prior to treatment. I'm going to have to go all the way home, pick up mom or one of the girls to go with me and then drive all the way back to Acton Road. I have to have something later--much later.
She proceeds to tell me that's the only time she has available. Um, this lady apparently doesn't know me or know not to try and bully me or back me into a corner! So I told her just forget the whole thing, I'm not doing it and I explained all that to her again. So she says, "well I was under the impression you wanted morning."
Girl, please--11:30 is not morning on a workday! And yes I did want mornings--early early mornings so I could still go to work after. But I can't take ativan, get a treatment and still work all day. Ativan knocks me on my butt!
So she sighs and says let me see what I can do and I'll call you back. A few hours later she leaves another voicemail message--this time it's 3:05. Better but not really good enough. So I just lost it.
All my wonderful co-workers tell me I really don't have a choice and I know they're right (to a point) but I have just lost my will. I don't want to do this. I don't want my life interrupted! I don't want to inconvenience people or tell people I can't do things because I have cancer.
After finally gaining some composure back and arranging the logistics I call back. This time I get a different nurse. I guess the other one was sick of me, too. haha I told her this time the time would be fine but we're definitely going to have to work at getting it later in the day and hopefully I'll get used to it, less anxious and maybe switch to mornings. I also asked about taking a few days off to go out of town and she said I'd have to talk to the doctor but usually they just add those treatments onto the end.
They're gonna have to. My mind is made up. People miss all the time. The clinic is going to be closed for Labor Day, the machines will be down at times. Stuff happens. Life happens. Interruptions happen.
I am still praying I'll be able to keep doing what I enjoy during this time because the hardest thing for me to take are the interruptions. But for now, I guess that's what I'll just be--a woman, interrupted.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
1 month post C-word
I realize it's been awhile since my last blog. What can I say? What am I supposed to write--how irritated I am a lot of the time? I am trying to accept my new limitations but it's hard and no, knowing they're temporary doesn't make it any easier. I'm overwhelmed. I'm used to being busy but this is different. I've gotten enough of my energy back to be able to crochet some things, mow the grass, and clean the house, etc.
I get stressed out when the house isn't clean and the girls are great at doing what I ask. But what can I say? I'm super picky. But I don't want to be a bitch so I try not to nag or complain so I just say stressed. And I guess I still have fog from the anesthesia because it's hard for me to remember to take all these new vitamins throughout the day that I'm supposed to be taking. I don't get enough sleep regardless of what I do. I don't have the energy for the exercise I'm supposed to be getting. Work is kicking my butt. I'm lonely. Grad school starts back in 18 days. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all and I can't postpone it. I'm too close to being done!
I'm emotional a lot of the time--much more emotional that I normally am which may or may not be a good thing. Since my divorce, I've become a little jaded. I don't get all sappy over things that most people do. I've learned not to get attached to people easily and if someone wants out of my life, I'll hold the door open. But now it's all different. I'm not even remotely interested in dating right now, though I do have a crush or two and some good guy friends I wish I could spend more time with. But I constantly think about being alone for the rest of my life and that used to not bother me at all. I wonder if I will live to see grandchildren or even college graduations. I know I should be grateful because I know others that didn't make it to their kids high school graduations but it breaks a mama's heart to think about the possibility of missing even a moment of your children's lives.
And I think back on things in my life that I wish I'd done differently. I thought I'd mastered the art of no regrets and now regret is starting to creep back in. I just have to try harder to push it away and accept things for what they are and try to be optimistic. What choice do I have?
If that weren't enough--I still haven't started radiation treatments! I thought I would start a few weeks ago but the oncologist wanted to wait until my incision healed a little more. Although I must say it looks amazing! Have to give props to Dr. Carroll at UAB--if you didn't know it was there you'd never see it, especially with my hair down and we'll talk about my hair later.
So I went in this past Monday for what they call a simulation. They did another CT scan with dye contrast so they could decide exactly where they want to the radiation to go and I also had to have my mouthpiece which will keep my tongue out of the way so it doesn't get burned and my mask made. That was an ordeal.
It doesn't matter how much or how detailed they explain this procedure, you can't possibly psych yourself up for something like this. Especially if you're claustrophobic AND have a tiny mouth to begin with.
I get stressed out when the house isn't clean and the girls are great at doing what I ask. But what can I say? I'm super picky. But I don't want to be a bitch so I try not to nag or complain so I just say stressed. And I guess I still have fog from the anesthesia because it's hard for me to remember to take all these new vitamins throughout the day that I'm supposed to be taking. I don't get enough sleep regardless of what I do. I don't have the energy for the exercise I'm supposed to be getting. Work is kicking my butt. I'm lonely. Grad school starts back in 18 days. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all and I can't postpone it. I'm too close to being done!
I'm emotional a lot of the time--much more emotional that I normally am which may or may not be a good thing. Since my divorce, I've become a little jaded. I don't get all sappy over things that most people do. I've learned not to get attached to people easily and if someone wants out of my life, I'll hold the door open. But now it's all different. I'm not even remotely interested in dating right now, though I do have a crush or two and some good guy friends I wish I could spend more time with. But I constantly think about being alone for the rest of my life and that used to not bother me at all. I wonder if I will live to see grandchildren or even college graduations. I know I should be grateful because I know others that didn't make it to their kids high school graduations but it breaks a mama's heart to think about the possibility of missing even a moment of your children's lives.
And I think back on things in my life that I wish I'd done differently. I thought I'd mastered the art of no regrets and now regret is starting to creep back in. I just have to try harder to push it away and accept things for what they are and try to be optimistic. What choice do I have?
If that weren't enough--I still haven't started radiation treatments! I thought I would start a few weeks ago but the oncologist wanted to wait until my incision healed a little more. Although I must say it looks amazing! Have to give props to Dr. Carroll at UAB--if you didn't know it was there you'd never see it, especially with my hair down and we'll talk about my hair later.
So I went in this past Monday for what they call a simulation. They did another CT scan with dye contrast so they could decide exactly where they want to the radiation to go and I also had to have my mouthpiece which will keep my tongue out of the way so it doesn't get burned and my mask made. That was an ordeal.
It doesn't matter how much or how detailed they explain this procedure, you can't possibly psych yourself up for something like this. Especially if you're claustrophobic AND have a tiny mouth to begin with.
The mask starts out as a flat piece. They dip it in hot water and lay it over your face and it molds to a custom fit. This is so they have an exact replica of your head and can mark it up and pinpoint exactly where they want the radiation to go. So you have to close your eyes and therefore you can't see anything. But before they put the mask on, you have to get fitted for the mouthpiece that you'll have to wear. If you have ever had any kind of dental work done and had to have impressions made, it's a little like that. They stick this popsicle thing in your mouth and it molds to fit your the inside of your mouth and hold your tongue over to one side and away from radiation.
The problem is, it's bigger than it looks in the picture. And I have a small mouth. Not only that, the side of my head has been cut and my jaw is really sore and won't open very wide at all. It's a good thing I'm not married or dating because oral would be totally out of the question--it's that severe!
So I'm lying there with this thing in my mouth gagging me, my eyes closed so I can't see a thing and they come at me with this mask and then they snap it to the table! It felt like I was in some twisted episode of Criminal Minds and my Special Agent Derek Morgan was nowhere around! I was freaking out!
I love my doctor. She stood there and held my hand the entire time while the technicians did their thing and everyone was telling me I was doing good but I was sure I would hyperventilate from breathing so hard and fast. My doctor decided that for treatments I would need to take an ativan prior to coming to ease my anxiety somewhat. That's great but it blows my entire plan out of the water!
I'm going to have to do this EVERY day, Monday-Friday for six and a half weeks. I had planned to do it mornings and then go to work because my hours are really flexible and that way I can still do my job. But if I'm going to take ativan before, I won't possibly be able to work after. This means I'll have to go into work really early (haha,that'll never happen) and leave early, go get someone to drive me, take my ativan, get my treatment and go home and sleep and do nothing else!
So I'm praying that all that was just the anxiety of the unknown and that I'll get used to it because I don't have time to be a big weinie!
And my hair--yeah, turns out I'm going to lose some of it after all and permanently. Because of where the radiation needs to go, the hairline in the back on the left side is going to move up a few inches and leave the space below slick. I'm not sure how that will end up looking. Fortunately, my hair is long and the hair above it may cover it enough so you won't be able to tell. But I'll have to wait and see. And pulling my hair up may look awkward. So there goes one of my best features maybe. And if so, I'll just shave my head and rock some bandanas!
Even knowing all this and worrying about it, I'm still anxious to get it started but I still don't have a start date. All the doctors have to review and sign off on the "plan" and I'm sure the insurance company as well, although I'm very blessed to have insurance that covers cancer 100%!
So enough of the negative, let me try to be positive for a bit. I'm super blessed! Although I have not spoken to my ex in two weeks and I'm not sure why, I know if I needed him he'd still be there. But he wants to move on with his life and I love him enough to let him try. My parents are super supportive as are my sisters and of course, my friends. I am so thankful to God for showing me who my TRUE ones are. They are the ones that aren't concerned for themselves but call to check on ME and ask how *I* am doing instead of always wanting to talk about themselves. They bring meals, gifts, and pray. They constantly offer words of encouragement. They do my toes, nails, let me raid their closets, take me out for a night of fun, help financially, text out of the blue to say "hi, thinking about you", drop in on me in the middle of the workday with a smoothie...it's all been overwhelmingly wonderful.
I try to be encouraged about the future knowing I have overcome so many things in my life that most people would slit their wrists over--bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, troubled teenaged child, college as a working mom, divorce, domestic violence, jail, etc. etc. etc. And I've made it through each thing and come out on top. I will beat this and come out on top, too. I just may have to whine a little first.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Meltdown!
The first of what I fear will be many meltdowns has happened. It happened last Friday when I felt so awful I took off from work. I literally had no energy at all was in so much pain. I'd promised on Wednesday that I would go and pay a bill on Friday and knew it HAD to be done. I had dinner plans with Angela that evening, the Def Leppard concert Saturday night and Kayti's birthday festivities Sunday. I did not have time for this!
I ultimately humbled myself and asked my sister for help, which she graciously did. But having to ask just sent me over the edge. I am Michelle, strong woman, single mom, independent and self sufficient--I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP! Moreover, I DO NOT CANCEL PLANS! I have a very full, active and fabulous life that I love and have worked hard for and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP. While talking to my sister, the floodgates opened for the first time when reality started to sink in.
It is what it is. There are going to be days when I just can't do it all and I'm going to have to start making some really tough choices. At least for awhile. I did manage to muster up some energy to keep my dinner plans and I got Kayti to drive me.
Then Saturday morning came and once again, I was down. I laid around all. freaking. day. I finally fell asleep and barely woke in time to get ready for the show but I was so glad I did and so glad that I got my lifelong best friend to take me!
Sunday morning, I slept in and then we took Kayti to iHop for brunch and then she and her dad went on a hike with our Church of the Highlands Hiking small group. They came home and we had my sisters and their families over for a cookout and cake.
My sleep patterns are still all messed up from the anesthesia. I am wired at night and the by the time I fall asleep, it's time to get up for work again. I managed to make it two full days at work Monday and Tuesday but last night I had another meltdown when I realized that to work, my evenings have to be lazy. No more exercise, running here and there--I just have to crash. This is one of those hard choices I was afraid of and nothing could cheer me up until I went to bed. But I still couldn't sleep and so I got on social media and found some encouraging words from friends that didn't even realize they were saying exactly what I needed to hear.
Still, this morning I was nervous all over again when it was time for my follow-up appointment to check the wound and find out the final path report. Sitting in the exam room next to Jeff, it seemed like forever before the doctor came in and I was still sleepy so I just laid my head in my hands to rest but I remembered Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane:
"Father, if there is any way, please take this cup from me. But your will, not mine." And that is what I prayed. If God wants me to go through this for whatever reason, I will do it. And I will do my best to bring glory to Him.
Then I got the news. Officially, yes it was what they originally thought--Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma and yes I will need radiation and close follow up for the next few years. And at once, my strong faith turned once again to fear and disappointment. I hope God will forgive me for that.
I will need to have a CT scan to confirm that it hasn't spread to the chest but the doctor doesn't think it has. He's fairly certain that it was all in my parotid gland. Inside the gland, 3/5 nodes were positive but he removed all 5 anyway. There was no cancer in any nodes outside the gland so that's a good indication that it hasn't spread. Of course, I'll know more tomorrow. And I'll begin radiation to shrink anything microscopic in a few weeks. And again, I'll have to pay close attention to my nutrition and exercise when I'm able. He said that my own immune system is going to be my best ally in helping to fight this off and so the stronger it is, the better off I'll be. And exercise always helps to make a body strong but there will be days that I simply won't have the energy because this IS a big deal and so when that happens I can't be too hard on myself. That's so much easier said than done! I don't know why but I have always put pressure on myself with all kinds of things.
The good news is the wound is healing nicely and the feeling in my left ear should return within a few weeks as well as the nerves in the left side of my lips and chin should regain function soon. The doctor also said there are no genetic markers for this type of cancer so worries for my children. It's also not been linked to any behavior or environmental causes so there's nothing that I did or anything that could have caused it. It's just one of those freak things and I'm blessed that I was persistent in getting it checked out and having it removed, even though it was thought to be benign and no rush.
I do appreciate all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, well wishes, meals and offers of help! I'm overwhelmed at the caring attitudes and concern from so many wonderful people! I love you all so much. I'm going to beat this!
I ultimately humbled myself and asked my sister for help, which she graciously did. But having to ask just sent me over the edge. I am Michelle, strong woman, single mom, independent and self sufficient--I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP! Moreover, I DO NOT CANCEL PLANS! I have a very full, active and fabulous life that I love and have worked hard for and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP. While talking to my sister, the floodgates opened for the first time when reality started to sink in.
It is what it is. There are going to be days when I just can't do it all and I'm going to have to start making some really tough choices. At least for awhile. I did manage to muster up some energy to keep my dinner plans and I got Kayti to drive me.
Then Saturday morning came and once again, I was down. I laid around all. freaking. day. I finally fell asleep and barely woke in time to get ready for the show but I was so glad I did and so glad that I got my lifelong best friend to take me!
Sunday morning, I slept in and then we took Kayti to iHop for brunch and then she and her dad went on a hike with our Church of the Highlands Hiking small group. They came home and we had my sisters and their families over for a cookout and cake.
My sleep patterns are still all messed up from the anesthesia. I am wired at night and the by the time I fall asleep, it's time to get up for work again. I managed to make it two full days at work Monday and Tuesday but last night I had another meltdown when I realized that to work, my evenings have to be lazy. No more exercise, running here and there--I just have to crash. This is one of those hard choices I was afraid of and nothing could cheer me up until I went to bed. But I still couldn't sleep and so I got on social media and found some encouraging words from friends that didn't even realize they were saying exactly what I needed to hear.
Still, this morning I was nervous all over again when it was time for my follow-up appointment to check the wound and find out the final path report. Sitting in the exam room next to Jeff, it seemed like forever before the doctor came in and I was still sleepy so I just laid my head in my hands to rest but I remembered Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane:
"Father, if there is any way, please take this cup from me. But your will, not mine." And that is what I prayed. If God wants me to go through this for whatever reason, I will do it. And I will do my best to bring glory to Him.
Then I got the news. Officially, yes it was what they originally thought--Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma and yes I will need radiation and close follow up for the next few years. And at once, my strong faith turned once again to fear and disappointment. I hope God will forgive me for that.
I will need to have a CT scan to confirm that it hasn't spread to the chest but the doctor doesn't think it has. He's fairly certain that it was all in my parotid gland. Inside the gland, 3/5 nodes were positive but he removed all 5 anyway. There was no cancer in any nodes outside the gland so that's a good indication that it hasn't spread. Of course, I'll know more tomorrow. And I'll begin radiation to shrink anything microscopic in a few weeks. And again, I'll have to pay close attention to my nutrition and exercise when I'm able. He said that my own immune system is going to be my best ally in helping to fight this off and so the stronger it is, the better off I'll be. And exercise always helps to make a body strong but there will be days that I simply won't have the energy because this IS a big deal and so when that happens I can't be too hard on myself. That's so much easier said than done! I don't know why but I have always put pressure on myself with all kinds of things.
The good news is the wound is healing nicely and the feeling in my left ear should return within a few weeks as well as the nerves in the left side of my lips and chin should regain function soon. The doctor also said there are no genetic markers for this type of cancer so worries for my children. It's also not been linked to any behavior or environmental causes so there's nothing that I did or anything that could have caused it. It's just one of those freak things and I'm blessed that I was persistent in getting it checked out and having it removed, even though it was thought to be benign and no rush.
I do appreciate all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, well wishes, meals and offers of help! I'm overwhelmed at the caring attitudes and concern from so many wonderful people! I love you all so much. I'm going to beat this!
Monday, June 22, 2015
I'm a C-word!
And the C word is "cancer patient".
I first noticed a lump under my ear January 2014 and saw a doctor. She said it was just swollen lymph node that sometimes they take awhile to go back down after you've been sick. I told her I hadn't been sick but she kinda blew it off and so I figured I was probably becoming a hypochondriac in my old age and so I didn't think anymore of it.
But about six months later, it was still there and was starting to get bigger and hurt a little. Not all the time but sometimes. So I saw another doctor. Again, he said it was probably nothing and the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign but he gave me some antibiotics. He did want to do an ultrasound but he didn't have an ultrasound machine (go figure) and sent me to another facility and because of that, the insurance I had at the time (because I was working a temp position) wanted a separate $200 copay! I just took the antibiotics.
But several months later after I got a different job and better insurance, I started seeing Dr. Miller. She agreed that it was probably nothing but to put my mind at ease, she did an ultrasound in her office. Then she sent me to an ENT, Dr. Jebeles and he had it biopsied and did a CT scan. The biopsy results came back benign but he still recommended having it taken out because it would only get bigger and could ultimately disrupt facial nerves. So I saw a surgeon that specializes in otorlaryngology and had the surgery Thursday.
While I was still in surgery, he found additional inflammation and sent all the tissue off to the lab for preliminary analysis and the lab people said it looked malignant to them. So he took some extra time and took out the lymph node and some additional surrounding tissue. He's pretty sure he got it all but I may still have to do radiation once the final pathology report comes back.
I was initially upset. Shocked, I guess. But I'm fine. My neck is stiff from not being able to turn to the left much and there is still numbness. As the feeling returns little by little, the incision is itchy and stings a little. I have a little trouble swallowing and don't have much of a voice right now so please, if you need to contact me, text. I know I never much liked talking on the phone anyway but now I seriously can't, especially if you're hard of hearing because I just can't yell! lol
And it's not pretty!
Too bad it's not Halloween! The bandaid at the bottom is covering a hole where the drainage tube was. I was so glad to get that out! I'm told the other stitches will fall out on their own and once they do, the appearance won't be so jagged. Also my luscious locks will cover most of it as will makeup. Also the swelling will go down once the nerve heals and I regain the feeling.
But as I was lying awake in the wee hours this morning, I thought about how incredibly blessed I am. I would've thought I'd be scared, angry or upset but I honestly don't feel any of those things. I'm surprisingly peaceful and the only explanation I have is that I know the One that died for me is in complete control and I am absolutely fine with whatever happens because regardless, I win!
If I'm healed on earth then I get to continue this crazy-amazing life of serving God by loving His people, spending time with my wonderful family and friends, learning new things and having new experiences. If my healing comes through heaven, then I get to see my Maw Maw again, friends that have gone on already and will get to meet Jesus face to face! I'm not just saying this because it's "the right" thing to say or because I want others to feel sorry for me, think I'm some brave person or even to comfort others. This is really my heart! I am a woman who has not lived anywhere close to a perfect life but has been blessed in countless ways that I just can't feel anything but pure joy! I just wanted to show how good God is! And to say listen to your body! Don't let doctors blow you off when you know something isn't right. I thank everyone for your prayers and concern! I'm truly touched.
I know things are going to be different from now on. I'm going to have to accept that. But they don't have to be different in a bad way. For one thing, I'm not going to tolerate any negativity. I'm so blessed that I plan to focus completely on those blessings--my children and family, the friends that have proven to be REAL friends that are concerned about something other than themselves all the time. I have a great church, a great job and a zest for life, learning and new experiences. My health has to stop taking a backseat to everything else and it's no longer about losing weight and trying to have a hot body. I just want a healthy body. I'm going to keep serving the Lord by serving His people for as long as I have breath in my body. My goals may have to change from things like healing my knees so I can maybe one day attempt to get a zumba certificaiton or run a half marathon to things like, making sure I'm healthy enough to take care of grandbabies and still here to do so in the FAR FAR future! lol
The focus will shift from achievement to legacy. I want people to know how much they mean to me--how much they've ALWAYS meant to me. I want to be known for my heart, all the depths of it and nothing else. If I've ever wronged you, or even if I really haven't but you feel like I have, then I truly am sorry. If you've ever wronged me, or even if you didn't but I felt like you did, you're forgiven.
I am ready for the journey!
Yes, I have cancer. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma to be exact which is a rare form of cancer of the secretory glands, usually starting in the salivary glands which is where mine was. I'll start from the beginning:
I first noticed a lump under my ear January 2014 and saw a doctor. She said it was just swollen lymph node that sometimes they take awhile to go back down after you've been sick. I told her I hadn't been sick but she kinda blew it off and so I figured I was probably becoming a hypochondriac in my old age and so I didn't think anymore of it.
But about six months later, it was still there and was starting to get bigger and hurt a little. Not all the time but sometimes. So I saw another doctor. Again, he said it was probably nothing and the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign but he gave me some antibiotics. He did want to do an ultrasound but he didn't have an ultrasound machine (go figure) and sent me to another facility and because of that, the insurance I had at the time (because I was working a temp position) wanted a separate $200 copay! I just took the antibiotics.
But several months later after I got a different job and better insurance, I started seeing Dr. Miller. She agreed that it was probably nothing but to put my mind at ease, she did an ultrasound in her office. Then she sent me to an ENT, Dr. Jebeles and he had it biopsied and did a CT scan. The biopsy results came back benign but he still recommended having it taken out because it would only get bigger and could ultimately disrupt facial nerves. So I saw a surgeon that specializes in otorlaryngology and had the surgery Thursday.
While I was still in surgery, he found additional inflammation and sent all the tissue off to the lab for preliminary analysis and the lab people said it looked malignant to them. So he took some extra time and took out the lymph node and some additional surrounding tissue. He's pretty sure he got it all but I may still have to do radiation once the final pathology report comes back.
I was initially upset. Shocked, I guess. But I'm fine. My neck is stiff from not being able to turn to the left much and there is still numbness. As the feeling returns little by little, the incision is itchy and stings a little. I have a little trouble swallowing and don't have much of a voice right now so please, if you need to contact me, text. I know I never much liked talking on the phone anyway but now I seriously can't, especially if you're hard of hearing because I just can't yell! lol
And it's not pretty!
Too bad it's not Halloween! The bandaid at the bottom is covering a hole where the drainage tube was. I was so glad to get that out! I'm told the other stitches will fall out on their own and once they do, the appearance won't be so jagged. Also my luscious locks will cover most of it as will makeup. Also the swelling will go down once the nerve heals and I regain the feeling.
But as I was lying awake in the wee hours this morning, I thought about how incredibly blessed I am. I would've thought I'd be scared, angry or upset but I honestly don't feel any of those things. I'm surprisingly peaceful and the only explanation I have is that I know the One that died for me is in complete control and I am absolutely fine with whatever happens because regardless, I win!
I know things are going to be different from now on. I'm going to have to accept that. But they don't have to be different in a bad way. For one thing, I'm not going to tolerate any negativity. I'm so blessed that I plan to focus completely on those blessings--my children and family, the friends that have proven to be REAL friends that are concerned about something other than themselves all the time. I have a great church, a great job and a zest for life, learning and new experiences. My health has to stop taking a backseat to everything else and it's no longer about losing weight and trying to have a hot body. I just want a healthy body. I'm going to keep serving the Lord by serving His people for as long as I have breath in my body. My goals may have to change from things like healing my knees so I can maybe one day attempt to get a zumba certificaiton or run a half marathon to things like, making sure I'm healthy enough to take care of grandbabies and still here to do so in the FAR FAR future! lol
The focus will shift from achievement to legacy. I want people to know how much they mean to me--how much they've ALWAYS meant to me. I want to be known for my heart, all the depths of it and nothing else. If I've ever wronged you, or even if I really haven't but you feel like I have, then I truly am sorry. If you've ever wronged me, or even if you didn't but I felt like you did, you're forgiven.
I am ready for the journey!
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
My blog is appropriately titled!
Yes, I know. It's been awhile since I've made time to blog. Life has been super crazy busy--full of the good and bad, ups and downs that make it interesting. I'm not even sure where to begin.
I started a new job and it has been difficult for a number of reasons. It's a great company and I like my boss and coworkers. But the business we're in frustrates me. It's not like a normal business where you perform a service and get paid and everyone is happy. It's government regulated and on top of that the clients can be difficult. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, things change. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's definitely challenging and never boring. I have great benefits, finally make a decent salary and for the most part I'm happy. There are days when I wish I was back teaching preschoolers, doing crafts, fixing snacks and making bulletin boards. It all seems like a lifetime ago. And then I remind myself that that profession came with its own challenges as I imagine every job does. So I digress. I'm content for now, thankful to be employed.
Kayti has been in the hospital twice. She's okay and I'm not going to disclose what was wrong out of respect for her privacy but it's an ongoing issue and probably will be for quite sometime. There have been an array of other things involving her that we have had to deal with. She is back home living with me, looking for a job and planning to go to Jeff State in the Fall and become an EMT. On a happy note, she is going to church again and has renewed faith in God. We are praying continually for God's hand over her life. She's been coming to small group with me on Tuesday night (and btw, I have finished and delivered 3 prayer shawls, have 1 more to be delivered and am halfway through another. I also completed my first afghan!) and we also joined a hiking small group on Sunday afternoons. Most days it seems she's trying.
Brooke made colorguard again for her upcoming Senior year and we are very excited! Looking forward to another great football season with our Cougars. She also had the female lead in the Spring Musical. She was Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and she blew everyone away! To see her walking in those 5 inch stilletto heels and speaking with the Brooklyn accent--it was great! And she has an amazing singing voice! It was an emotional night as their beloved theater professor, Mr. Mac retired. I know he will be dearly missed. She also is starting a new job soon at the Cracker Barrel and I finally bought another car so she can drive the Mustang. But I made it clear it is still very much my car whenever I need some top-down therapy!
The car I bought is an SUV. It's not brand new but a decent vehicle and had everything I wanted--a sunroof, towing package and it's crimson! I can't wait for tailgating! I named it Steve to go with my mustang, Miranda! Steve and Miranda. If you have never watched Sex and the City you won't get it. One day I will have a camaro named Carrie and an RV named Big. :)
My parents finally moved out of Tarrant City and into a rental home in Clay right next door to Mia. I think they had mixed feelings about leaving Tarrant behind as we all did but they seem to be settling in.
I finished another semester of graduate school and made two A's and B. I'm more proud of the B than the A's because the B was in Cost Accounting! I now have 5 classes left before I am an MBA (Master's of Business Administration). And yes, it's a BIG deal! I'm excited to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Dylan is out of school for the summer but has a new job in Hueytown so he is staying in Tuscaloosa. He has one more semester at Alabama and he will be a Bama grad! I am so proud of him but I miss him so much. I know I may as well get used to it. My little boy is all grown up and gone on his own. I know I should be proud that I did my job well in raising such a wonderful young man but there will always be a part of me that longs to rock my babies again. I think he will probably end up moving to Huntsville for a job when he graduates. We'll see.
I'm contemplating buying a house again within the next year. I have fought it for so long because home ownership did not have any advantages for me before. Plus I just don't know where I want to be and hate the thought of being tied down to a piece of property. I have thought of moving to the beach many times. Or living on Southside. Or moving to a small town a little further north. But rent just keeps getting so expensive. And I like the thought of buying a lot of property so I can take care of my parents. I definitely like the thought of getting out of Jefferson County. But we'll see.
I continue to have issues with my knees which makes weight loss increasingly difficult. I saw the knee doctor again a few months ago but as usual, he just wants to cut cut cut. And I'd be willing if I knew that would fix things. But the problem, he says, is a collapsed MCL (ligament). He says there's nothing that can really be done except knee replacement. But in my research on knee replacement, the new knee depends on the ligaments around it for success. Well, that's the part that's messed up! What good is a new knee if the surrounding tissue is what's bad? Why can't they just fix that? He has not been able to explain it to my satisfaction. I'm getting a second opinion soon. I just can't accept that Noah Galloway can run marathons and compete in dance with one leg and they can't fix my stupid knee! I did get a brace that helps me continue to power walk and ride the old lady bike at the gym. But I miss zumba! I REALLY miss zumba!
Before I can think about a second opinion on the knee, I have to have neck surgery! This bump on the side of my neck that I've complained to THREE doctors about who all told me it was "just a swollen lymph node" is actually a tumor! That's right, a tumor! The biopsy showed it's most likely benign but it still needs to come out and sooner rather than later because the bigger it gets--and it will get bigger, the specialist said--the greater the risk of nerve damage to my face when they do remove it. So I go under the knife next week. It should be a relatively short recovery. I just hope it's not a big scar.
With all that's been going on in my life, my circle of friends has changed somewhat. I saw it coming. I still love them all dearly but I just had nothing left to give and it seem to be continually demanding. I went through a period when *I* needed someone to be there for me and apparently they had nothing left to give me either. No calls asking about my medical results or my daughter's well-being. Jealousy for when I spend time with other people and assuming things without asking. I'll never know exactly what happened because I never got the courtesy of being asked. But like I said, I'm not really all that surprised. I'm a little hurt but not mad. I could never hate and I wish them all well. I truly do. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. I'm content to leave it in God's hands.
I've been feeling disconnected from many things lately and feel it's time to refocus and reprioritize. I've tried to give up Facebook before and it's difficult when so many things are connected to it now--small groups, contacts, etc. But it does suck your time. And I'm so weary of the drama. You say just about anything at all and people take it personally if they disagree, whether it's religion, politics (which I hate) or even sharing your own personal experiences--people take it as a personal attack on THEM. It's ludicrous. And I'm so sick of how brave but nasty people can be to each other when sitting behind a computer screen. I am just about ready to move on. I've never had anything to hide but it gets old when everyone thinks they know you just because they are your friend on facebook. Just silliness. We'll see how that goes, too.
I started a new job and it has been difficult for a number of reasons. It's a great company and I like my boss and coworkers. But the business we're in frustrates me. It's not like a normal business where you perform a service and get paid and everyone is happy. It's government regulated and on top of that the clients can be difficult. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, things change. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's definitely challenging and never boring. I have great benefits, finally make a decent salary and for the most part I'm happy. There are days when I wish I was back teaching preschoolers, doing crafts, fixing snacks and making bulletin boards. It all seems like a lifetime ago. And then I remind myself that that profession came with its own challenges as I imagine every job does. So I digress. I'm content for now, thankful to be employed.
Kayti has been in the hospital twice. She's okay and I'm not going to disclose what was wrong out of respect for her privacy but it's an ongoing issue and probably will be for quite sometime. There have been an array of other things involving her that we have had to deal with. She is back home living with me, looking for a job and planning to go to Jeff State in the Fall and become an EMT. On a happy note, she is going to church again and has renewed faith in God. We are praying continually for God's hand over her life. She's been coming to small group with me on Tuesday night (and btw, I have finished and delivered 3 prayer shawls, have 1 more to be delivered and am halfway through another. I also completed my first afghan!) and we also joined a hiking small group on Sunday afternoons. Most days it seems she's trying.
Brooke made colorguard again for her upcoming Senior year and we are very excited! Looking forward to another great football season with our Cougars. She also had the female lead in the Spring Musical. She was Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and she blew everyone away! To see her walking in those 5 inch stilletto heels and speaking with the Brooklyn accent--it was great! And she has an amazing singing voice! It was an emotional night as their beloved theater professor, Mr. Mac retired. I know he will be dearly missed. She also is starting a new job soon at the Cracker Barrel and I finally bought another car so she can drive the Mustang. But I made it clear it is still very much my car whenever I need some top-down therapy!
The car I bought is an SUV. It's not brand new but a decent vehicle and had everything I wanted--a sunroof, towing package and it's crimson! I can't wait for tailgating! I named it Steve to go with my mustang, Miranda! Steve and Miranda. If you have never watched Sex and the City you won't get it. One day I will have a camaro named Carrie and an RV named Big. :)
My parents finally moved out of Tarrant City and into a rental home in Clay right next door to Mia. I think they had mixed feelings about leaving Tarrant behind as we all did but they seem to be settling in.
I finished another semester of graduate school and made two A's and B. I'm more proud of the B than the A's because the B was in Cost Accounting! I now have 5 classes left before I am an MBA (Master's of Business Administration). And yes, it's a BIG deal! I'm excited to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Dylan is out of school for the summer but has a new job in Hueytown so he is staying in Tuscaloosa. He has one more semester at Alabama and he will be a Bama grad! I am so proud of him but I miss him so much. I know I may as well get used to it. My little boy is all grown up and gone on his own. I know I should be proud that I did my job well in raising such a wonderful young man but there will always be a part of me that longs to rock my babies again. I think he will probably end up moving to Huntsville for a job when he graduates. We'll see.
I'm contemplating buying a house again within the next year. I have fought it for so long because home ownership did not have any advantages for me before. Plus I just don't know where I want to be and hate the thought of being tied down to a piece of property. I have thought of moving to the beach many times. Or living on Southside. Or moving to a small town a little further north. But rent just keeps getting so expensive. And I like the thought of buying a lot of property so I can take care of my parents. I definitely like the thought of getting out of Jefferson County. But we'll see.
I continue to have issues with my knees which makes weight loss increasingly difficult. I saw the knee doctor again a few months ago but as usual, he just wants to cut cut cut. And I'd be willing if I knew that would fix things. But the problem, he says, is a collapsed MCL (ligament). He says there's nothing that can really be done except knee replacement. But in my research on knee replacement, the new knee depends on the ligaments around it for success. Well, that's the part that's messed up! What good is a new knee if the surrounding tissue is what's bad? Why can't they just fix that? He has not been able to explain it to my satisfaction. I'm getting a second opinion soon. I just can't accept that Noah Galloway can run marathons and compete in dance with one leg and they can't fix my stupid knee! I did get a brace that helps me continue to power walk and ride the old lady bike at the gym. But I miss zumba! I REALLY miss zumba!
Before I can think about a second opinion on the knee, I have to have neck surgery! This bump on the side of my neck that I've complained to THREE doctors about who all told me it was "just a swollen lymph node" is actually a tumor! That's right, a tumor! The biopsy showed it's most likely benign but it still needs to come out and sooner rather than later because the bigger it gets--and it will get bigger, the specialist said--the greater the risk of nerve damage to my face when they do remove it. So I go under the knife next week. It should be a relatively short recovery. I just hope it's not a big scar.
With all that's been going on in my life, my circle of friends has changed somewhat. I saw it coming. I still love them all dearly but I just had nothing left to give and it seem to be continually demanding. I went through a period when *I* needed someone to be there for me and apparently they had nothing left to give me either. No calls asking about my medical results or my daughter's well-being. Jealousy for when I spend time with other people and assuming things without asking. I'll never know exactly what happened because I never got the courtesy of being asked. But like I said, I'm not really all that surprised. I'm a little hurt but not mad. I could never hate and I wish them all well. I truly do. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. I'm content to leave it in God's hands.
I've been feeling disconnected from many things lately and feel it's time to refocus and reprioritize. I've tried to give up Facebook before and it's difficult when so many things are connected to it now--small groups, contacts, etc. But it does suck your time. And I'm so weary of the drama. You say just about anything at all and people take it personally if they disagree, whether it's religion, politics (which I hate) or even sharing your own personal experiences--people take it as a personal attack on THEM. It's ludicrous. And I'm so sick of how brave but nasty people can be to each other when sitting behind a computer screen. I am just about ready to move on. I've never had anything to hide but it gets old when everyone thinks they know you just because they are your friend on facebook. Just silliness. We'll see how that goes, too.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
30 Day Letter Writing Challenge--Day 5 My dreams
Yes, I got behind--life happened! I'll carry on now...
Dear dreams that I have at night,
I believe that you have meaning. Years ago when I dreamed about someone, something would happen to them in real life. It wasn't always bad things but something significant. In recent years, I keep dreaming about one person in particular. Not every night but at least once a week. I do not know what this means. I don't keep in touch with him so I don't know what's going on with him. I dated him only briefly. We parted on good terms. As far as I know he is happily married now. He was never for me and I knew that. I am not in love with him in any way, shape or form nor was I ever. So dreams, stop it. Because there isn't anything I can do (and don't really want to). So start making sense or move on!
Dear dreams that I have in my heart,
I'm sorry I'm not nurturing you. Well, some of you I am. I am working on my MBA. And that dream is pretty much kicking the rest of you guys' rear end! There just are not enough hours in the day! But I want the rest of you to know that I am holding on to you hard! One day, God willing, I will:
1) publish a novel
2) publish a non-fiction book
3) lose this weight and be in better overall heatlh
4) live near the beach or water
5) travel a lot--one big trip a year, several small ones a year
6) go on a mission trip, maybe even once a year
7) be better off financially
8) play with my grandchildren (this one better be way way WAY in the future!)
9) finish a half-marathon
10) get my zumba certification
11) hike at least part of the Appalachian trail
12) drive at least part of Route 66
And to the one dream that I have put on hold for now--God will know when it's time for me to meet someone new for romantic reasons. And if God thinks that will never be a good idea for me ever again, I'm fine with that. I am. I know what I bring to the table--I'm okay eating alone! :)
Love,
Chel
Dear dreams that I have at night,
I believe that you have meaning. Years ago when I dreamed about someone, something would happen to them in real life. It wasn't always bad things but something significant. In recent years, I keep dreaming about one person in particular. Not every night but at least once a week. I do not know what this means. I don't keep in touch with him so I don't know what's going on with him. I dated him only briefly. We parted on good terms. As far as I know he is happily married now. He was never for me and I knew that. I am not in love with him in any way, shape or form nor was I ever. So dreams, stop it. Because there isn't anything I can do (and don't really want to). So start making sense or move on!
Dear dreams that I have in my heart,
I'm sorry I'm not nurturing you. Well, some of you I am. I am working on my MBA. And that dream is pretty much kicking the rest of you guys' rear end! There just are not enough hours in the day! But I want the rest of you to know that I am holding on to you hard! One day, God willing, I will:
1) publish a novel
2) publish a non-fiction book
3) lose this weight and be in better overall heatlh
4) live near the beach or water
5) travel a lot--one big trip a year, several small ones a year
6) go on a mission trip, maybe even once a year
7) be better off financially
8) play with my grandchildren (this one better be way way WAY in the future!)
9) finish a half-marathon
10) get my zumba certification
11) hike at least part of the Appalachian trail
12) drive at least part of Route 66
And to the one dream that I have put on hold for now--God will know when it's time for me to meet someone new for romantic reasons. And if God thinks that will never be a good idea for me ever again, I'm fine with that. I am. I know what I bring to the table--I'm okay eating alone! :)
Love,
Chel
Friday, February 27, 2015
30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 4--my siblings
Dear Melanie, Mia, Misti and Wayne,
I hope you all know that I feel blessed to share blood with you. I am so proud of each of you.. Melanie, Mia and Misti you are all fabulous mothers! Wayne, I'm sure you will be a great dad.
Mel and Mia, I can't think of too many childhood memories that you were not a part of and I treasure each one. Mel, I played with you and grew up with you. Mia, you were my "first baby", the one I got to practice on. Misti and Wayne, I hate that we did not get to be raised together but I know and hope that you know as well that that was not our fault. I wish we lived closer and could spend time together now. I need to make a better effort at spending time with all of you!
But I do want you all to know that I love each one of you dearly!
I hope you all know that I feel blessed to share blood with you. I am so proud of each of you.. Melanie, Mia and Misti you are all fabulous mothers! Wayne, I'm sure you will be a great dad.
Mel and Mia, I can't think of too many childhood memories that you were not a part of and I treasure each one. Mel, I played with you and grew up with you. Mia, you were my "first baby", the one I got to practice on. Misti and Wayne, I hate that we did not get to be raised together but I know and hope that you know as well that that was not our fault. I wish we lived closer and could spend time together now. I need to make a better effort at spending time with all of you!
But I do want you all to know that I love each one of you dearly!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 3--my parents
Dear Mom and Dad,
I probably don't tell you enough, in fact I'm sure I don't. But I love you both SO much! I could not ask for better parents. You both always put us first and it always costed you so much. Not just in money but in emotions and mental stability. I know that now more than ever as my own kids have been born and grown up.
I know at times you were disappointed in me and that hurt my heart. But I always knew that you loved me. You are not religious people but through your unconditional love, I came to know and understand the love the our Heavenly Father has for His children because the way you raised us and continue to love us is a shining example of how He always loves us no matter what. Sometimes we face consequences for the decisions and choices we make but nothing can take away the love.
Thank you for giving us great memories and happy childhoods. Things weren't always perfect. We didn't always have the best of everything. But you made experiences and memories your priority over houses, cars, clothes and toys and that is something I will always treasure and tried to replicate with my own kids.
Thank you for being amazing grandparents. I'm so glad the bigs and the littles have such a close relationship with you. I remember when Dylan got his first cell phone at the age of 14 and the first person he called with it was you, Mom! I love how their eyes all light up whenever we mention "Deb" or "Pop".
Thank you for instilling in me determination. Determination to be a good parent even when I've messed up. Determination to finish college. Determination to turn my life around after I made a mess of it. Determination to have a strong faith and to always finish what I start.
Thank you for raising me to keep an open mind and always see the other side of things like politics. It used to bother me that I never feel strongly conservative or liberal (who came up with those labels anyway?) but to use common sense and to put myself in other peoples' shoes.
Thank you, Mom for giving me a strong sense of what a true feminist is--someone who wants the best for BOTH men and women and for helping me to see that other women are not my competition nor am I theirs.
Thank you, Dad for showing me that regardless of how old a person gets, he/she can change their mind and learn to love someone very different.
Thank you both for knowing that love is color blind and for rarely judging anyone at all but when we do, we judge not by a person's appearance but by their character.
Thank you for opening your home to so many and for making me want to do the same. And for giving me the courage to do it when the opportunity arises, even when everyone else thinks its asinine.
In short, thank you for being the center of our entire family. Thank you for being you and for being my mom and dad!
Love,
Chel
I probably don't tell you enough, in fact I'm sure I don't. But I love you both SO much! I could not ask for better parents. You both always put us first and it always costed you so much. Not just in money but in emotions and mental stability. I know that now more than ever as my own kids have been born and grown up.
I know at times you were disappointed in me and that hurt my heart. But I always knew that you loved me. You are not religious people but through your unconditional love, I came to know and understand the love the our Heavenly Father has for His children because the way you raised us and continue to love us is a shining example of how He always loves us no matter what. Sometimes we face consequences for the decisions and choices we make but nothing can take away the love.
Thank you for giving us great memories and happy childhoods. Things weren't always perfect. We didn't always have the best of everything. But you made experiences and memories your priority over houses, cars, clothes and toys and that is something I will always treasure and tried to replicate with my own kids.
Thank you for being amazing grandparents. I'm so glad the bigs and the littles have such a close relationship with you. I remember when Dylan got his first cell phone at the age of 14 and the first person he called with it was you, Mom! I love how their eyes all light up whenever we mention "Deb" or "Pop".
Thank you for instilling in me determination. Determination to be a good parent even when I've messed up. Determination to finish college. Determination to turn my life around after I made a mess of it. Determination to have a strong faith and to always finish what I start.
Thank you for raising me to keep an open mind and always see the other side of things like politics. It used to bother me that I never feel strongly conservative or liberal (who came up with those labels anyway?) but to use common sense and to put myself in other peoples' shoes.
Thank you, Mom for giving me a strong sense of what a true feminist is--someone who wants the best for BOTH men and women and for helping me to see that other women are not my competition nor am I theirs.
Thank you, Dad for showing me that regardless of how old a person gets, he/she can change their mind and learn to love someone very different.
Thank you both for knowing that love is color blind and for rarely judging anyone at all but when we do, we judge not by a person's appearance but by their character.
Thank you for opening your home to so many and for making me want to do the same. And for giving me the courage to do it when the opportunity arises, even when everyone else thinks its asinine.
In short, thank you for being the center of our entire family. Thank you for being you and for being my mom and dad!
Love,
Chel
30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 2--My Crush
Dear crushes...
Hmmm, this is difficult because I don't really have a crush that isn't a celebrity. Maybe just one but I don't know that I would call him a crush. I'm just more of an interested party. I've always thought he was cute but I don't think we really have anything much in common. He expressed an interest at a time when I wasn't ready to date and then when I was open to the idea I think he'd lost interest. I see him making a lot of facebook posts about not liking being alone but he never makes contact with me anymore. Perhaps I've put on a bit too much weight. I wouldn't be attracted to me right now either! I'm trying. And that's another letter for another day. But I guess those that say timing is everything are right. Timing in my life isn't always perfect.
Now, I'm back to being completely happy with my life the way it is and for some reason, that tends to make people uncomfortable or even angry. I get told things like, "Oh you'll find someone", "you'll regret being alone one day" or "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person". I may concede the last one but here's the thing: I'm determined NOT to be one of those needy women that HAS to have a man. And in becoming so determined I've actually discovered a truth about myself. I'm completely fine without one. If I don't make my bed, there's no one to complain. If I want cereal for dinner I don't have to worry about whether my husband eats. I don't have to share the remote, the covers or my ice cream! And I don't have time to worry about spending much with anyone else. I just started a new job, I'm trying to get my weight under control (yes, I should probably not have ice cream!), I'm in graduate school for an MBA, my teenage daughter takes a lot of my time and I'm very involved in my church. I also like to make time for hobbies--crochet, reading, painting, spending time with friends and trying new things. I don't have to be accountable with my finances to anyone but God. I love my single life.
Don't get me wrong--I love men. There has been a time or two that I loved a man deeply and at other times, I have loved LOTS of men. And neither situation was good for me.
Since my divorce I have learned more about marriage than I ever did when I was actually married and I have a deeper reverence for it. If I ever do it again, I want to make sure I have the things inside myself that are required to be a good help mate to my husband. Until that time comes, I don't really want to hear about marriage. If you are married, I'm happy for you. Go forth and prosper. But don't try to tell me or other singles that we need to be married. Don't try and make us feel like we are less that a complete person because we feel content and fulfilled as singles.
I do feel that certain churches in their attempts to preserve and support the family have gone so far as to neglect their single members. This is a tragedy. In fact, the Bible even says in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 that it is better to remain single. Some are given a great gift of marriage but others are given an even greater gift of being single. Paul did not have to worry about the added stresses of marriage and as such, he was an incredible messenger for God, devoting his life to spreading the gospel.
So stop trying to hook me up. I've given God complete control. If He decides to bring another into my life for the purposes of another marriage, then He can flat out deliver the man to my doorstep! And before you tell me to do "my part" let me tell you, my part is to prepare myself by focusing on Him. By dancing with the Lord, He may let the perfect man cut in. But if He chooses to finish the dance Himself, what could be better?
Sincerely,
Daughter of the One True King
Hmmm, this is difficult because I don't really have a crush that isn't a celebrity. Maybe just one but I don't know that I would call him a crush. I'm just more of an interested party. I've always thought he was cute but I don't think we really have anything much in common. He expressed an interest at a time when I wasn't ready to date and then when I was open to the idea I think he'd lost interest. I see him making a lot of facebook posts about not liking being alone but he never makes contact with me anymore. Perhaps I've put on a bit too much weight. I wouldn't be attracted to me right now either! I'm trying. And that's another letter for another day. But I guess those that say timing is everything are right. Timing in my life isn't always perfect.
Now, I'm back to being completely happy with my life the way it is and for some reason, that tends to make people uncomfortable or even angry. I get told things like, "Oh you'll find someone", "you'll regret being alone one day" or "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person". I may concede the last one but here's the thing: I'm determined NOT to be one of those needy women that HAS to have a man. And in becoming so determined I've actually discovered a truth about myself. I'm completely fine without one. If I don't make my bed, there's no one to complain. If I want cereal for dinner I don't have to worry about whether my husband eats. I don't have to share the remote, the covers or my ice cream! And I don't have time to worry about spending much with anyone else. I just started a new job, I'm trying to get my weight under control (yes, I should probably not have ice cream!), I'm in graduate school for an MBA, my teenage daughter takes a lot of my time and I'm very involved in my church. I also like to make time for hobbies--crochet, reading, painting, spending time with friends and trying new things. I don't have to be accountable with my finances to anyone but God. I love my single life.
Don't get me wrong--I love men. There has been a time or two that I loved a man deeply and at other times, I have loved LOTS of men. And neither situation was good for me.
Since my divorce I have learned more about marriage than I ever did when I was actually married and I have a deeper reverence for it. If I ever do it again, I want to make sure I have the things inside myself that are required to be a good help mate to my husband. Until that time comes, I don't really want to hear about marriage. If you are married, I'm happy for you. Go forth and prosper. But don't try to tell me or other singles that we need to be married. Don't try and make us feel like we are less that a complete person because we feel content and fulfilled as singles.
I do feel that certain churches in their attempts to preserve and support the family have gone so far as to neglect their single members. This is a tragedy. In fact, the Bible even says in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 that it is better to remain single. Some are given a great gift of marriage but others are given an even greater gift of being single. Paul did not have to worry about the added stresses of marriage and as such, he was an incredible messenger for God, devoting his life to spreading the gospel.
So stop trying to hook me up. I've given God complete control. If He decides to bring another into my life for the purposes of another marriage, then He can flat out deliver the man to my doorstep! And before you tell me to do "my part" let me tell you, my part is to prepare myself by focusing on Him. By dancing with the Lord, He may let the perfect man cut in. But if He chooses to finish the dance Himself, what could be better?
Sincerely,
Daughter of the One True King
Sunday, February 22, 2015
30 Day Letter Challenge Day 1--my best friend
Prologue
I realize it's been over a month since I last blogged. I've been even more busy than usual. For one, I have an amazing new job that I think I'm going to love. I've been trying to stay focused on learning the terminology as well as the procedures and getting to know my co-workers. Two, graduate school is really kicking my butt! I'm taking three classes one of which is Cost Accounting, another is Corporate Governance that I don't understand at all, and the last is a very demanding class on Special Topics in business. I'm doing my best just to keep my head above water! And most importantly, I'm dealing with major issues involving one of my children. That's all I'm going to say for now. Close friends know what's going on and so does God so if you are a praying person, please pray that the Lord will answer our prayers quickly!
So I'm going to try this 30 day letter writing challenge to try and get myself back on track with my writing/blogging. Hope you enjoy!
Day 1--Your best friend.
Dear Jesus,
Throughout my life I have been blessed with many friends and even "best friends" from time to time. My closest friends usually change with my environment but there are also those lifelong friends that even though I may not see all the time are still special because we've been bonded together by amazing experiences of childhood, teenage years or something else extraordinary. I love them all dearly and as I get older I understand that not all people we love are meant to stay in our lives in the same way they once where. People change. We all grow, we move on and that's okay. I'm content to take people as they are, to do what I can for them when I can and to accept whatever love they have to give at the time.
I used to long for that one special best friend that I would talk with daily, spend time doing fun things, share my deepest secrets, and be in my life throughout its entirety. In the flesh, it's always been a different person. Sometimes my mom. Sometimes my husband. Sometimes my cousin. Sometimes a co-worker. Sometimes a schoolmate. Sometimes another. But no one has been that constant confidant, that "lifelong best friend" because like I said before, circumstances and people change. Only You have been my best friend throughout my entire life. And it's only been lately that I realize I couldn't have ever had a better one.
You always love me unconditionally. You are never surprised by the bone-headed things I do. You are always there. You are not only my Savior but also my comforter, my strength, my peace, my wisdom (when I choose to listen), my laughter, the One I can trust with anything. You care more about me than I care about myself. You love what I love more than I do. You know what I feel because You experienced everything I have experienced. You never doubt me. You always want the best for me. Nothing surprises You. You are not repulsed by anything I've done but You are also not afraid to discipline me so that I will learn. You are patient. You are kind. You are forgiving. You are love.
Thank you, Jesus for being my best friend! I love you!
I realize it's been over a month since I last blogged. I've been even more busy than usual. For one, I have an amazing new job that I think I'm going to love. I've been trying to stay focused on learning the terminology as well as the procedures and getting to know my co-workers. Two, graduate school is really kicking my butt! I'm taking three classes one of which is Cost Accounting, another is Corporate Governance that I don't understand at all, and the last is a very demanding class on Special Topics in business. I'm doing my best just to keep my head above water! And most importantly, I'm dealing with major issues involving one of my children. That's all I'm going to say for now. Close friends know what's going on and so does God so if you are a praying person, please pray that the Lord will answer our prayers quickly!
So I'm going to try this 30 day letter writing challenge to try and get myself back on track with my writing/blogging. Hope you enjoy!
Day 1--Your best friend.
Dear Jesus,
Throughout my life I have been blessed with many friends and even "best friends" from time to time. My closest friends usually change with my environment but there are also those lifelong friends that even though I may not see all the time are still special because we've been bonded together by amazing experiences of childhood, teenage years or something else extraordinary. I love them all dearly and as I get older I understand that not all people we love are meant to stay in our lives in the same way they once where. People change. We all grow, we move on and that's okay. I'm content to take people as they are, to do what I can for them when I can and to accept whatever love they have to give at the time.
I used to long for that one special best friend that I would talk with daily, spend time doing fun things, share my deepest secrets, and be in my life throughout its entirety. In the flesh, it's always been a different person. Sometimes my mom. Sometimes my husband. Sometimes my cousin. Sometimes a co-worker. Sometimes a schoolmate. Sometimes another. But no one has been that constant confidant, that "lifelong best friend" because like I said before, circumstances and people change. Only You have been my best friend throughout my entire life. And it's only been lately that I realize I couldn't have ever had a better one.
You always love me unconditionally. You are never surprised by the bone-headed things I do. You are always there. You are not only my Savior but also my comforter, my strength, my peace, my wisdom (when I choose to listen), my laughter, the One I can trust with anything. You care more about me than I care about myself. You love what I love more than I do. You know what I feel because You experienced everything I have experienced. You never doubt me. You always want the best for me. Nothing surprises You. You are not repulsed by anything I've done but You are also not afraid to discipline me so that I will learn. You are patient. You are kind. You are forgiving. You are love.
Thank you, Jesus for being my best friend! I love you!
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Woefully behind!
2015 is off to a banging start! And I have not had time to think!
New Year's Eve I met some friends for dinner...
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New Year's Eve I met some friends for dinner...
And then I met more friends to watch a friend's band play...
I had an AMAZING time! And I'm going to add this: I am proud of myself and my ability to fit in ANYWHERE! The place may have been a little redneck/country for some people. But any time I am with friends, I am happy. My tastes in just about everything--food, music, movies, people, crowds, friends, men--are pretty much all over the board. I used to think it was a bad thing that I didn't "fit in" with any one group. But now I see it as a blessing that I identify with lots of groups.
The next day, I made my big ol' New Year's Day dinner...
And I ate a good bit of it BY MYSELF! lol I should have lots of luck and mucho money this year!
Then I met Dede, Joel and some of their friends to watch the Alabama vs Ohio State game and even though my boys lost, I'm still proud of the season they had. I'm no fair-weather fan. Win or lose, I'm always a fan! I BLEED crimson, white and houndstooth! And Alabama will always mean more to me than just football. All that said, it was astonishing to see how many "Ohio state" people were visiting the great state of Alabama! LOL
But we had a great time and I enjoyed visiting with my friend. I miss her. We aren't as close as we used to be but I love her and am happy that she seems happy with her new life. I'm planning to visit her soon!
Back to the grind for a day and then the next day I met my sweet Rhonda for lunch!
Rhonda turned me on to the new Younique 3D Fiber Lash mascara...
And now I'm a presenter of Younique products! No, I didn't quit my day job. It's just a sideline and all my profits are going to go towards outreach/missions in some way. If I make enough, I'll go on my first ever mission trip. If not, I can use it towards outreach. I'm trying to come up with some graphics and things for my "Mascara for Missions".
The next day, our church began the annual "21 Days of Prayer and Fasting". Every year, we set aside the first 21 days (beginning with the first Sunday) to seek God first for the coming year. I am doing a Daniel Fast (no meats, sweets or leavened breads) again this year. God has already shown me some amazing things and I'm pressing on into this last week ready for more, believing for many things--healing for some, direction and guidance, and more God less me.
On the 7th, graduate school resumed and so far so good. Two of the classes are mostly discussion about business and current events. I'm still waiting on my book to get here for my Accounting class. It had to be special ordered and then the bookstore was supposed to overnight it to me but I still do not have it. I hope it gets here soon because I don't want to be scrambling before my first assignment due date approaches.
Last Saturday, I took Brooke shopping for her prom dress and she ended up getting the first dress (but not the last) dress she tried on and we only went to one place. I guess we're lucky that we didn't have to hunt all over town but it didn't feel so lucky when I looked at the price tag! Oh well. It does look good on her and the store had layaway.
Sunday began a new Bible study that will last four weeks (perfect timing as about the time it ends small groups will be starting up again) by Andy Stanley titled Starting Over. It's not just about divorce. It's about anytime someone has to start over in anything--new job, new city, new relationship, etc. It's a Christ Church and many of my single friends from Highlands attend.
Monday night, I went to one of those friends' house to a National Championship game party. Can you guess by the shirt who I was pulling for?
Yes, I was pulling for the Ducks and my Motion shirt was the only green shirt I had. I think Marcus Mariota is adorable. But the Ducks lost. Oh well, I didn't lose any sleep. I had a great time with my new friends.
The rest of the week was pretty usual--work, the gym, homework, etc. But I am hoping to hear some great news very soon from an event that I can't share just yet. I would appreciate your prayers!
Yesterday was Dad's birthday. I got him an iTunes card, a Bama shirt and took him some "birthday salad" from Olive Garden. He and Mom are trying to diet so cake was out. This morning I went to prayer, the Thrift Store and took Mady to the park. Not sure what I'll do with the rest of this long weekend but I'm sure it'll be great!
Be blessed!
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