I get stressed out when the house isn't clean and the girls are great at doing what I ask. But what can I say? I'm super picky. But I don't want to be a bitch so I try not to nag or complain so I just say stressed. And I guess I still have fog from the anesthesia because it's hard for me to remember to take all these new vitamins throughout the day that I'm supposed to be taking. I don't get enough sleep regardless of what I do. I don't have the energy for the exercise I'm supposed to be getting. Work is kicking my butt. I'm lonely. Grad school starts back in 18 days. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all and I can't postpone it. I'm too close to being done!
I'm emotional a lot of the time--much more emotional that I normally am which may or may not be a good thing. Since my divorce, I've become a little jaded. I don't get all sappy over things that most people do. I've learned not to get attached to people easily and if someone wants out of my life, I'll hold the door open. But now it's all different. I'm not even remotely interested in dating right now, though I do have a crush or two and some good guy friends I wish I could spend more time with. But I constantly think about being alone for the rest of my life and that used to not bother me at all. I wonder if I will live to see grandchildren or even college graduations. I know I should be grateful because I know others that didn't make it to their kids high school graduations but it breaks a mama's heart to think about the possibility of missing even a moment of your children's lives.
And I think back on things in my life that I wish I'd done differently. I thought I'd mastered the art of no regrets and now regret is starting to creep back in. I just have to try harder to push it away and accept things for what they are and try to be optimistic. What choice do I have?
If that weren't enough--I still haven't started radiation treatments! I thought I would start a few weeks ago but the oncologist wanted to wait until my incision healed a little more. Although I must say it looks amazing! Have to give props to Dr. Carroll at UAB--if you didn't know it was there you'd never see it, especially with my hair down and we'll talk about my hair later.
So I went in this past Monday for what they call a simulation. They did another CT scan with dye contrast so they could decide exactly where they want to the radiation to go and I also had to have my mouthpiece which will keep my tongue out of the way so it doesn't get burned and my mask made. That was an ordeal.
It doesn't matter how much or how detailed they explain this procedure, you can't possibly psych yourself up for something like this. Especially if you're claustrophobic AND have a tiny mouth to begin with.
The mask starts out as a flat piece. They dip it in hot water and lay it over your face and it molds to a custom fit. This is so they have an exact replica of your head and can mark it up and pinpoint exactly where they want the radiation to go. So you have to close your eyes and therefore you can't see anything. But before they put the mask on, you have to get fitted for the mouthpiece that you'll have to wear. If you have ever had any kind of dental work done and had to have impressions made, it's a little like that. They stick this popsicle thing in your mouth and it molds to fit your the inside of your mouth and hold your tongue over to one side and away from radiation.
The problem is, it's bigger than it looks in the picture. And I have a small mouth. Not only that, the side of my head has been cut and my jaw is really sore and won't open very wide at all. It's a good thing I'm not married or dating because oral would be totally out of the question--it's that severe!
So I'm lying there with this thing in my mouth gagging me, my eyes closed so I can't see a thing and they come at me with this mask and then they snap it to the table! It felt like I was in some twisted episode of Criminal Minds and my Special Agent Derek Morgan was nowhere around! I was freaking out!
I love my doctor. She stood there and held my hand the entire time while the technicians did their thing and everyone was telling me I was doing good but I was sure I would hyperventilate from breathing so hard and fast. My doctor decided that for treatments I would need to take an ativan prior to coming to ease my anxiety somewhat. That's great but it blows my entire plan out of the water!
I'm going to have to do this EVERY day, Monday-Friday for six and a half weeks. I had planned to do it mornings and then go to work because my hours are really flexible and that way I can still do my job. But if I'm going to take ativan before, I won't possibly be able to work after. This means I'll have to go into work really early (haha,that'll never happen) and leave early, go get someone to drive me, take my ativan, get my treatment and go home and sleep and do nothing else!
So I'm praying that all that was just the anxiety of the unknown and that I'll get used to it because I don't have time to be a big weinie!
And my hair--yeah, turns out I'm going to lose some of it after all and permanently. Because of where the radiation needs to go, the hairline in the back on the left side is going to move up a few inches and leave the space below slick. I'm not sure how that will end up looking. Fortunately, my hair is long and the hair above it may cover it enough so you won't be able to tell. But I'll have to wait and see. And pulling my hair up may look awkward. So there goes one of my best features maybe. And if so, I'll just shave my head and rock some bandanas!
Even knowing all this and worrying about it, I'm still anxious to get it started but I still don't have a start date. All the doctors have to review and sign off on the "plan" and I'm sure the insurance company as well, although I'm very blessed to have insurance that covers cancer 100%!
So enough of the negative, let me try to be positive for a bit. I'm super blessed! Although I have not spoken to my ex in two weeks and I'm not sure why, I know if I needed him he'd still be there. But he wants to move on with his life and I love him enough to let him try. My parents are super supportive as are my sisters and of course, my friends. I am so thankful to God for showing me who my TRUE ones are. They are the ones that aren't concerned for themselves but call to check on ME and ask how *I* am doing instead of always wanting to talk about themselves. They bring meals, gifts, and pray. They constantly offer words of encouragement. They do my toes, nails, let me raid their closets, take me out for a night of fun, help financially, text out of the blue to say "hi, thinking about you", drop in on me in the middle of the workday with a smoothie...it's all been overwhelmingly wonderful.
I try to be encouraged about the future knowing I have overcome so many things in my life that most people would slit their wrists over--bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, troubled teenaged child, college as a working mom, divorce, domestic violence, jail, etc. etc. etc. And I've made it through each thing and come out on top. I will beat this and come out on top, too. I just may have to whine a little first.
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