Woman, interrupted

I'm sitting here at 6 a.m. listening to Church of the Highlands 21 Days of prayer services online. I'm trying to let my soul find comfort in the music but I can't still my mind.  I remember back to almost a few months ago when I was told I had cancer and after the initial shock I felt this peace wash over me and then my fight instinct kicked in. I want to get those feelings back and stop being so irritated and overwhelmed but somehow I just can't get back to that place of peace no matter what I do.

I had a great weekend. Had dinner with my high school friends again and then Saturday, Jeff, Kayti and I went tubing down the Little Cahaba. Sunday I did church online, some much needed housework, a few hours at the pool and went grocery shopping.  We went and got our white-out shirts for the football game and I tried to get in bed early.

Then I go to work and hear about all the stuff we're not doing right or new client directives, etc., open the mailbox to more bills and junk, try to get home so I can cut the grass but the bottom falls out of the sky and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and get irritated all over again.  I know this is just life stuff but everything just bothers me so much more right now. It's hard to explain or put into words.

So I was supposed to have heard from oncology about a start date by Monday but the only thing I got was an appointment for a nutritionist and another for a pain management doctor--both at the end of August. So I'm thinking, okay, they're waiting until the beginning of September to start. Okay, at least I'll get in one last beach trip! Then yesterday this rude little nurse calls while I'm in a work meeting and leaves me a voice mail TELLING ME my first radiation appointment is Thursday at 11:20.

Um, no!

In the first place, they jerk me around for weeks making me wait until my fight is about gone and then drop the bomb. Then they just assume I have nothing to do and schedule it for the middle of the day? I don't think so.

So I call her and told her that's not going to happen. I work a full time job and yes, I know, this is my health we're talking about here but I have two kids still at home to feed. If I die, they'll get life insurance and can feed themselves but as long as I'm living, I have to work! I can't come in the middle of the day like that ESPECIALLY since I have to take a nerve pill prior to treatment. I'm going to have to go all the way home, pick up mom or one of the girls to go with me and then drive all the way back to Acton Road. I have to have something later--much later.

She proceeds to tell me that's the only time she has available.  Um, this lady apparently doesn't know me or know not to try and bully me or back me into a corner! So I told her just forget the whole thing, I'm not doing it and I explained all that to her again. So she says, "well I was under the impression you wanted morning."

Girl, please--11:30 is not morning on a workday! And yes I did want mornings--early early mornings so I could still go to work after. But I can't take ativan, get a treatment and still work all day. Ativan knocks me on my butt!

So she sighs and says let me see what I can do and I'll call you back. A few hours later she leaves another voicemail message--this time it's 3:05. Better but not really good enough. So I just lost it.

All my wonderful co-workers tell me I really don't have a choice and I know they're right (to a point) but I have just lost my will. I don't want to do this. I don't want my life interrupted! I don't want to inconvenience people or tell people I can't do things because I have cancer.

After finally gaining some composure back and arranging the logistics I call back. This time I get a different nurse. I guess the other one was sick of me, too. haha  I told her this time the time would be fine but we're definitely going to have to work at getting it later in the day and hopefully I'll get used to it, less anxious and maybe switch to mornings. I also asked about taking a few days off to go out of town and she said I'd have to talk to the doctor but usually they just add those treatments onto the end.

They're gonna have to. My mind is made up. People miss all the time. The clinic is going to be closed for Labor Day, the machines will be down at times. Stuff happens. Life happens. Interruptions happen.

I am still praying I'll be able to keep doing what I enjoy during this time because the hardest thing for me to take are the interruptions. But for now, I guess that's what I'll just be--a woman, interrupted.