Meltdown!

The first of what I fear will be many meltdowns has happened. It happened last Friday when I felt so awful I took off from work. I literally had no energy at all was in so much pain. I'd promised on Wednesday that I would go and pay a bill on Friday and knew it HAD to be done. I had dinner plans with Angela that evening, the Def Leppard concert Saturday night and Kayti's birthday festivities Sunday. I did not have time for this!

I ultimately humbled myself and asked my sister for help, which she graciously did. But having to ask just sent me over the edge. I am Michelle, strong woman, single mom, independent and self sufficient--I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP! Moreover, I DO NOT CANCEL PLANS! I have a very full, active and fabulous life that I love and have worked hard for and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP. While talking to my sister, the floodgates opened for the first time when reality started to sink in.

It is what it is. There are going to be days when I just can't do it all and I'm going to have to start making some really tough choices. At least for awhile. I did manage to muster up some energy to keep my dinner plans and I got Kayti to drive me.

Then Saturday morning came and once again, I was down. I laid around all. freaking. day. I finally fell asleep and barely woke in time to get ready for the show but I was so glad I did and so glad that I got my lifelong best friend to take me!

Sunday morning, I slept in and then we took Kayti to iHop for brunch and then she and her dad went on a hike with our Church of the Highlands Hiking small group. They came home and we had my sisters and their families over for a cookout and cake.

My sleep patterns are still all messed up from the anesthesia. I am wired at night and the by the time I fall asleep, it's time to get up for work again. I managed to make it two full days at work Monday and Tuesday but last night I had another meltdown when I realized that to work, my evenings have to be lazy. No more exercise, running here and there--I just have to crash. This is one of those hard choices I was afraid of and nothing could cheer me up until I went to bed. But I still couldn't sleep and so I got on social media and found some encouraging words from friends that didn't even realize they were saying exactly what I needed to hear.

Still, this morning I was nervous all over again when it was time for my follow-up appointment to check the wound and find out the final  path report. Sitting in the exam room next to Jeff, it seemed like forever before the doctor came in and I was still sleepy so I just laid my head in my hands to rest but I remembered Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane:

"Father, if there is any way, please take this cup from me. But your will, not mine." And that is what I prayed. If God wants me to go through this for whatever reason, I will do it. And I will do my best to bring glory to Him.

Then I got the news. Officially, yes it was what they originally thought--Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma and yes I will need radiation and close follow up for the next few years. And at once, my strong faith turned once again to fear and disappointment. I hope God will forgive me for that.

I will need to have a CT scan to confirm that it hasn't spread to the chest but the doctor doesn't think it has. He's fairly certain that it was all in my parotid gland. Inside the gland, 3/5 nodes were positive but he removed all 5 anyway. There was no cancer in any nodes outside the gland so that's a good indication that it hasn't spread. Of course, I'll know more tomorrow. And I'll begin radiation to shrink anything microscopic in a few weeks. And again, I'll have to pay close attention to my nutrition and exercise when I'm able. He said that my own immune system is going to be my best ally in helping to fight this off and so the stronger it is, the better off I'll be. And exercise always helps to make a body strong but there will be days that I simply won't have the energy because this IS a big deal and so when that happens I can't be too hard on myself. That's so much easier said than done! I don't know why but I have always put pressure on myself with all kinds of things.

The good news is the wound is healing nicely and the feeling in my left ear should return within a few weeks as well as the nerves in the left side of my lips and chin should regain function soon. The doctor also said there are no genetic markers for this type of cancer so worries for my children. It's also not been linked to any behavior or environmental causes so there's nothing that I did or anything that could have caused it. It's just one of those freak things and I'm blessed that I was persistent in getting it checked out and having it removed, even though it was thought to be benign and no rush.

I do appreciate all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, well wishes, meals and offers of help! I'm overwhelmed at the caring attitudes and concern from so many wonderful people! I love you all so much. I'm going to beat this!