Still breathing...

I had the feeding tube put in September 19 at UAB Hospital. It went relatively well, despite all my fears and just for added fun starting my cycle 2 days before and lasted for 17 days! Sorry if TMI. I had planned on having that taken care of once and for all before I found out I would be dealing with cancer. Believe me, it's next on the list.

My precious mother stayed with me in the hospital that night and I felt so badly for her. I think hospitals purposely make it uncomfortable so that people won't want to stay overnight with loved ones. I get it. Some people can be in the way and bothersome. But there are some families like mine that you wouldn't get us out with tar and a pitchfork so hospital admins might as well just get over it. It turned out I really needed my mom. I already had NO voice. No one could understand me but her. In surgery, they put the IV right in the crease of my elbow so every time I bent my arm the alarm would go off and they would have to come in and do something with it. I was in a semi-private room also which for this procedure I din't mind but still, I needed my mama! All she had to sleep on was a slightly reclining easy chair. The nurse brought her a pillow and blanket but I could tell she was very uncomfortable.  I love her so much for going through that for me. They showed us how to administer feedings, pain meds, clean it and everything and gave us a lot of information to read and we were on our way.

The rest of the weekend was a blur. I had a radiation treatment on Monday and went back to work Tuesday. I tried to resume some school stuff but I was still either coughing too badly, throat hurting too much, busy messing with the tube, couldn't breathe, or something. It seems like everything they attempt to do to make me better either doesn't work or ends up having its own set of issues. Most days I can't concentrate on anything . I'm very emotional, easily agitated and so I decided to just go ahead and take a leave of absence from work. I worked the rest of the week, Tuesday-Friday. My sweet boss who is the CFO of the firm is a 5 year breast cancer survivor and one of my biggest advocates. She literally held my and through all the HR stuff and said for me not to worry about anything but getting better.

So I returned to the doctor Monday again with mom because I'm throwing up again and dehydrated. They gave me steroids, fluids and another treatment and when I asked them about turning down the dosage like they had told me they were and the doctor looked at me puzzled and then her expression changed. Something like, "Oh crap, I forgot".  But she managed to stammer out a yes, yes, oh yes.

I told my mom I don't believe them. It's not getting any better and after the mixup with the prescription (she wrote me a presciption for a medicine that does not exist! I chased all over Birmingham looking like some junkie in search of a score!).

So the next day when I went in for treatment, I demanded to see my records. I wanted the to show me WHERE the dosage had been turned down and they couldn't. They showed me in one place where a percentage went from 100 to 105 (and I realize I dont have a MD but I do have a MBA so I think I can't count so WHERE IS 100 to 105 A DECREASE?????

I was so upset and I told my mom that told them I quit treatment. Of course they told my mom to encourage me to stay with it, that I was harming myself if I didn't , that all of what they've already done will be for nothing etc.

Mom told them she would try but that they are

1) dragging it out by not letting me do double
2) lied about the rx
3) lied about the dosage
4) can't get my pain under control
5) can't keep anything down
6) almost constantly dehydrated
7) now I'm throwing up blood and tissue
8) just do not trust them anymore
9) cant stop coughing
10) they cant guarantee me this will work anyway

I have been in prayer, deep prayer, about all of this. I have friends and family telling me to keep going, finish. At least you know you did all you could. I have an equal number telling me it's just not worth it. Radiation actually kills people and they are probably frying my throat.

I will think I have made up my mind and have God's perfect peace about it and then something will happen, like my mom will call saying my doctor thinks it's a big mistake to stop. (of course they do)

I am NOT into that healy feely shit like some of ya'll are. There may be some truth to it but frankly I'm just too lazy. I'm not even going to buy organic produce let alone grow it myself! Vinegar and baking soda does NOT smell as clean as lysol and bleach and tree bark and kiwis do NOT taste as good as steak, fluffy white potatoes and cake!  And don't get me started about the oils!   I'll buy your arguments all day long, especially where it pertains to chemicals. But I know myself and I know I"m not likely to do it just now.

I'm seeing my regular doctor tomorow. I am praying that she will do a scan and see how things look and give me her opinion.

It's not that I can't take it. If I thought it were working, I'd be all about it. I just don't have any faith in them anymore. They only faith I have is in my Great Physician and He is my ultimate Healer.