Not sure why I feel the need to write this down. Everyone already knows I have been a complete mess for the past few weeks. I am not sure what happened to me. Maybe a combination of things but me or my doctors have yet to figure it out.
I can't get back the feelings I had when I was first diagnosed--thankful, blessed, ready to fight, just pure contentment in whatever the Lord had in store for me. I've gone from that to feeling nothing but hopelessness and I don't know why. I survived. I had the surgery and completed my treatment. I'm waiting to get a clean scan but all my doctors assure me it will be clean, that they are just wanting a "picture" of what they want me to look like going forward. So I'm not worried that I still have cancer.
I am worried that one day it will come back because this type of cancer ALWAYS comes back. It may be a few years. It may be 15-20. But one day, I'll have to go through this all over again and for the rest of my life, I'll have to be closely monitored. The knowledge of all that stresses me out. I'm ALWAYS going to have to take off work and go to some appointment. And I don't care how compassionate employers are or try to be, they still hate hiring people that aren't 100% healthy.
And speaking of employers, my job isn't going so well. I wasn't ready to go back to work when I did but I had no choice about it. My finances dictated I go back. In fact, my finances are dictating so much of my stress right now, I've been down this road SO many times in my life that in many ways, I should know that I will get it straightened out somehow but also I should know how to prevent this from happening so much! I have a degree in finance for the love of Pete. I should be more financially secure than I am. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only been 5 years since I've been completely on my own and that I have come a long way. I still just have so much further to go and at the age of 45 it irritates me.
So I went back to work. Keep in mind, I only started this job in February. I got ONE day to train and then was on my own. I had no clue. I did the best I could. Then not even six months later, I got my diagnosis, had my surgery and started treatment. I hung in there the best I could through all the changes in the firm and our department and my treatment. Then I had to go on leave because my body couldn't take it anymore. I come back to work to MORE changes and things I have no clue about and when I can't perform (who could after all this?), I get a bad review. And again--I haven't even been there a year yet.
What kind of employer does that? I left thinking I had their support but came back to find that I really need to be going elsewhere as soon as possible. And I STILL HAVE appointments etc. to work around with an unsympathetic supervisor. It's incredibly stressful.
So I think about my financial issues and I start to panic. And I push my ex. He was SO good to me during my treatment it made me feel like I STILL loved him and wish I had never left him in the first place. And we still have these three amazing kids together. And we still have things in common. So we still spend time together.
But I'm scared to death--scared of financial ruin, scared of starting over, scared of my cancer coming back, scared of the kids growing up and being gone, scared of being alone. And I panic. And I push. HUGE mistake. I pushed him away and now I just have this desperate feeling that I just need to be around him to feel calm.
I don't know and I know I'm rambling. And my counselor says this is all normal when you get cancer. You wonder how different things would be if you still had your family. And don't get me wrong, my mom, sisters and friends all rallied around me when I was going through treatment and it was amazing. And Jeff was wonderful and he gave me hope. But somehow it still didn't look like I thought it would have, especially if I had still been married.
I know I should feel grateful and I do. But I also can't shake this hopeless feeling. Not right now. I'm trying. I've lost control a few times and hurt people that I love. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a crazy lunatic bitch. I want to be a good person. A person that attracts people. A person that others want to be around. Right now I think most people are afraid of me.
I wonder if the radiation destroyed the effectiveness of my anti-depressants. Or if it's messed up my hormones. Or if it has something to do with the vitamin regimen that I was on pre-cancer and they took me off of because it was counter-productive to the radiation. I see my doctor Wednesday and I can't wait to tell her all this and pray that she can help in some way. I don't have time for the nutrition and holistic stuff to work. I'm under so much pressure and need something that will work now. It may be a quick fix. But until I have the time to fix it for real, that's what I need.
Please pray for me. Pray that I will get the answers and help I need from the doctor. Pray that I can stop feeling so emotional an hopeless all the time. Pray that God will speak to my children's hearts and let them know how much I love them and that I need them right now. That I want to be a mom they can be proud of. That I will get it together and hopefully soon. PLEASE pray these things for me.
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