Some difficult days...

Christmas has come and gone. We made our annual pilgrimage to the Alabama Theatre to see my all-time favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life.

And for some reason, I can't upload pictures...I'll have to figure that out later. Or if you follow me on Facebook, you can see them there.

The ex went with us and we had a great time. We have been getting along really great lately and for that I am very thankful. But as Christmas Eve approached, he declined to come with us to my parents house citing it would be "weird". I'm not sure why, he's been there every Christmas for the past 25 years, including the three (until this year) since our split and now all of a sudden it's "uncomfortable". I asked if it was because he was afraid people would be mad at him for the events of this past summer and he said no. So I still don't understand. It hurt my feelings terribly and took me a few days to get over it.

I have also had to deal with the fact that my best friend, the VERY BEST friend I have EVER had, is moving to Florida. I understand why and I fully support her decision. But oh my gosh am I ever going to miss her. Yes, I know, we have texts, and emails, and facebook, and she will make trips here and I will make trips there but it still feels like she's leaving me.

All this, the ex not wanting to be around, the friend moving, I think (I still have to discuss it with the therapist and prayer partners), has brought up all my abandonment issues from childhood and so I've had a difficult week.

Nonetheless, it has not stolen my joy. I feel closer to God than ever and feel so very complete with what people on the outside might see as "empty" and/or "depressing".

In fact, I had a friend message me recently telling me that my not drinking alcohol and my recent status updates are depressing and that I'm not being true to myself. He even took jabs at my age trying to goad me into going out and behaving the way I used to. I have to remember he's young. And although he is usually very mature for his age,he is probably not very mature spiritually. I still love him as a human being and for the way he once made me feel good about myself.

But it's almost impossible for me to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I can tell everyone that I don't drink right now because I am waiting on a court date to pass and trying my best to stay out of trouble and I tend to do stupid stuff when I drink. Not just puke on my friends' shoes stupid stuff--REALLY stupid stuff. Life altering stupid stuff.

And I just don't have any desire to drink, fornicate (not that I don't have normal sexual desire but I have asked God to help me channel that into more useful things until He sees fit to unite me with another and until then, that's ALL it is--fornication and it blows my mind how those that claim to be Christian and extremely right-wing will turn around and behave in such a way. Yes, we all sin and fall short but we need to at least try not to be double minded or double living. Okay, off the soapbox now), cuss and raise hell the way I used to. God has placed a desire in my heart for GOOD things and that is what I'm seeking after. And believe me, it's way more fulfilling that all that stuff I used to do EVER was.

It's kinda weird because I held a part of myself back from God for so long because I was SO AFRAID of "not being normal". Or that's how I viewed it in my head. The truth is, I wanted to keep one foot in the world. God demands ALL of us. When I finally surrendered though, I realized I'm not giving up ANYTHING important and getting EVERYTHING. This world has NOTHING for me.

He is my one desire. I may slip and fall again. I'm quite certain I will. But it won't be because I'm not trying because I'm afraid of  "missing out".  And I'll never doubt that He wants the very best for me and always know that I'm not missing a thing!

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Reflections

As I reflect on the past few weeks, I realize I  am so very blessed. I am proud that I stuck with my first semester of graduate school and survived it! I'm proud that I saw both Divorce Care and LIFE all the way through and I am so excited about what God is doing in my life at this very moment and for what He's going to do in the future.  After this weekend's LIFE retreat, I am ready to receive all that He has for me and I realize the things that I will give up pale in comparison.

As of this writing, I am 148 days sober. I have a renewed commitment to Christ, have been at my job almost four months, am financially stable (although sometimes it still feels like "struggling" lol), have new goals, ambitions, dreams.

Most of all, and especially after this retreat, I have a clean and pure heart that is at peace.

I have forgiven and I mean TRULY forgiven those that have wronged me. From abusive ex-boyfriends, my abandoning biological father, those that hurt me when I was a child, vengeful and spiteful people, even former religious leaders that used their positions to hurt me spiritually, even though they probably didn't mean to--all forgiven. I have even released the anger I felt towards my ex and strangely, I feel thankful for what he did because it opened my eyes to so much.

I am even working daily--and that's probably something I'll have to do forever--on forgiving myself. I think a part of me will always long for the happy memories of the past and regret that I didn't realize how blessed I was. But I'm not going to miss out on current moments and blessings by staying there. I'm not closing the book but I am turning the page.

I have broken unholy and unhealthy soul ties that never should have been formed.

I've surrendered my pride, shame, mammon, heaviness, depression...

I'm ready to receive the best of my life for the rest of my life.

Looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. We have so many things coming up--Kayti's graduation and college, a dream vacation, a mission trip, serving God and others, growing closer as a family, and complete healing physically. We may even be moving and at the very least, redecorating! I am also believing God for full restoration in some my relationship with my ex. I don't yet know what that will look like--reconciliation or just being the best of friends and co-allies for our children. But we are already well on our way.  And I'm completely committed to my choice to not date again until God fully reveals His plan to me.

I'm very thankful for the lessons of the past year. I'm now ready to apply them towards the new year!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 30

Saturday, Iron Bowl day, I am still thankful to be a Crimson Tide fan. I am thankful that the trash talking no longer bothers me and that I no longer participate in it.

The University of Alabama means more to me than just football. It is the school of my children--1 now, 2 next year and Lord willing, the third in a few years. They love it and I am proud of everything about it.

Thinking about how much I do love watching football and my attitude towards it now, makes me realize how much I have changed in a few short months and continue to grow and change each day.

I've made some tough decisions and have managed to have the will power to stick to them. Not only just "sticking to them" but to actually embrace them as a learning experience and a spiritual journey. It hasn't been easy to go without alcohol or any of the other things I had gotten so used to. But it has brought me so much closer to the Lord and given me such a great new outlook on life.

And for that, I am VERY thankful!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 29

Black Friday--I was thankful for my decision NOT to get out and shop in the mess! I enjoyed the peace and quiet and getting my house ready for Christmas!

I also cooked my son a belated birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake and the kids decorated the tree!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 28

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I of course was thankful for all the things mentioned before--family, great friends, my relatively good health, my job, and of course my Savior!

I was blessed to go help out at the Dream Center that morning, have a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner with family and then my son decided to stay the weekend instead of heading back to T-town like he'd originally planned.

We had watched a movie that evening and the girls had gone to spend the night with my sister to do some Black Friday shopping. He got up and left to go back and after I shut the door behind him, I went to the bathroom and cried.

Oh how I never get used to him leaving. It's still difficult to accept that he's a man and and all grown up and has other things to do besides hang out with mama.

But 20 minutes later, he was back at the door and had decided to stay! And no, it wasn't because I cried because he didn't see me! It was totally God's way of comforting a mama's heart. I made him breakfast the next day and he got my Christmas decorations down out of the attic for me. We didn't do much of anything but sit and talk and watch movies but it was still wonderful. And I am thankful!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 27

Today, I am thankful for my job. It's not exactly what I want to do but it has become more enjoyable and it pays the bills. I'm blessed and grateful to have it.

I am also thankful for TRUE Christian friends that remind me what it's all about. Grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing--He'll meet you wherever you are!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 26

Tuesday, I was thankful for God's grace. Enough said.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 25

Monday, I was thankful to find out that I'd finally made an 80 on a Marketing Quiz and a 95 on the discussion!

Even more thankful to realize that there is less than a week until the end of this semester. I can officially say I have survived!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 24

Sunday, I was thankful for my wonderful church and my Divorce Care group that has helped me so much. I wish that I had started attending the group sooner but I probably wouldn't have been ready to hear any of it. I can't explain it but I feel so much more secure in who I am that I am not even remotely interested or care whether or not I have a romantic interest in my life. I'm so completely content being the daughter of the King! I'm enjoying the other aspects of my life so much that I don't know where I'd find the time or energy for a relationship. And that's okay. When the time is right, God will bring the situation and the right person about. And if that never happens again, I can finally honestly say I'm at peace with that. I will be blessed to live a life serving Him.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 23

Saturday, I was thankful to participate in the Race to the Heights 5k sponsored by Church of the Highlands to benefit charities that fight against human trafficking. It was a COLD morning but I did it anyway. I even ran a good bit of it and my knees did not bother me at all. Now coming back up the hill to the entrance of the church--that was an accomplishment in and of itself! If you've ever attended our church, you know what I mean. That hill is difficult to go up in a CAR let alone walking/running. But I did it.

I was thankful to have the rest of the day to clean my house and get quite a bit of studying done! Great day with my girls just home doing nothing.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 22

Friday, I was thankful to have a daughter that drives so she could pick up her social butterfly of a younger sister that I could go to bed early for some much needed rest!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 21

Thursday, I was thankful once again for a late day schedule that allowed me a visit to my therapist. I was thankful to hear her words of encouragement and pride in how far I've come in such a short amount of time.

I was also thankful to attend a reception at The Club for Seniors considering attending the University of Alabama. Kayti was delighted. We got some great food, free stuff and enjoyed the evening together with her dad. I'm so proud of her and excited for her!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 20

Today, I am thankful for not having a thing to do at work all day long! I told my boss about it and he didn't seem to be too concerned. So I spent my day STUDYING!!! I got way more done than I would have in just the few hours I had set aside to do it tonight. Thank you, Lord!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness--Day 19

Tuesday was a frustrating day! I just felt like I'm not getting the grades in graduate school that reflect the effort I'm putting into it. I was also frustrated at work for reasons I won't get into so I was very thankful to get to go to LIFE group where I could let go of all that for a few hours and enjoy some great food, great fellowship, a time of praise and worship and dive deep into God's Word.  I so encourage you to do a LIFE group if you ever get the opportunity. However, don't sign up if you can't commit to seeing it through, trust me!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 18

Monday, I was thankful to get to visit with my mom and the littles! I was also thankful that thanks to my mom, I was able to pay a bill on time!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 17

Sunday, I was thankful for my church and getting to meet my bestie's dad and sister. I was also thankful that I just happened to check some school stuff and discover in the nick of time that I had a final exam due! I was INCREDIBLY thankful that my son was able to help me get the proctor form printed and submitted!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 16

Saturday, I was thankful to be able to sleep in and have some time to myself. I did some things around the house, went to the thrift store where I scored a pair of shoes, and three tops for $12, to the dollar jewelry store and to get my groceries. It may not sound like a lot of fun (especially not the grocery store, it's my least favorite chore--I'd seriously rather scrub toilets!) but it's the little things sometimes! I enjoyed not being rushed for a change.  I also got some studying done and watched the Bama game by myself where my mouth could not get me into trouble!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness--Day 15

Friday, I was so thankful for being able to watch my daughter participate in colorguard and to cheer on the Cougars in the second round of 6A playoffs. Even though they lost out, they made me proud to be a mom in the Clay-Chalkville community. They never gave up and displayed true character on and off the field. Sometimes you have to look for the things that are right with today's youth. I love seeing both teams--players, cheerleaders, coaches, etc. gather on the 50 yard line after the game is over and praying together. It's an amazing thing to see.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 14

Thursday, I was thankful I could go to the eye doctor and get some relief for my right eye. Turns out, I had a tiny scratch and some allergies that required some steroidal eye drops to help the healing. I was NOT thankful that the eye drops cost $40! But I was thankful I had the funds to pay for it. I was also thankful for my flexible work schedule that allowed me to go to the doctor without missing time and thus pay!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 13

Today, I am so very thankful for my three children. I am so thankful that exactly 21 years ago today, God chose to make me a mom by blessing me with this amazing young man!

His sisters would soon follow and though it hasn't always been easy and I have definitely made some mistakes, I am so very proud of all three! They may not be "perfect" but they are perfect to me and I'd put them up against anyone any day! They are truly great. I love them and am so proud of them. I have enjoyed every minute of being their mom.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 12

Yesterday, I was thankful for my LIFE Group. Every Tuesday night this semester, I have been blessed to meet with a wonderful group of people of all ages, races and both genders, some single, some married to dive DEEP into the Word of God.

This is my third attempt to finish a LIFE group. The first time, Jeff and I were still married and we took a couples group as part of our recommended marital counseling. But in the middle of it, I had to have knee surgery and we sort of got out of going. I have wished many times over that we had stuck with it.

The second time was last Fall and I did a women only group. It started out okay. But I trusted people too soon and I learned a valuable lesson. That is all I will say about that.

This time, I LOVE this group. I have been very careful with what I share about my personal life but I do feel a genuine and mutual love and support among the members. They have prayed for me and with me and have been so encouraging.

Last night it became clear to me why I've had such a difficult time completing a LIFE group all the way through to the end when we discussed Chapter 11 and Demons. I won't go into a great bit of detail on the topic because that isn't the intent of my post. But every other week (if not every week) of this semester, something has attempted to keep me from attending. Last week, I had to wait on my electricity to be connected after a freak accident with the power lines, meter and pole to my townhouse. Some weeks, someone's car has had trouble. Others, someone had been sick, in the hospital or had some kind of drama going on.  But it's always something with me or my family trying to keep me from growing spiritually. But I will not give up and my LIFE group members will not give up on me.

I am so thankful for them and am so looking forward to the retreat coming up in a few weeks!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 11

It's Veteran's Day and I know I am supposed to be thankful for the service and sacrifice of those who have served, are serving and will serve in our military and I am.

But pardon me for being more thankful for my nieces and nephews. Particularly today because it's one's 2nd birthday! And I am so thankful for this cutie!

Happy Birthday, Chloe aka Sissypants! Chel loves you!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 10

Sunday, I was thankful for lessons I have learned in the past few months. I got upset with someone today but I did not respond the way I would have six months ago. I attribute a large part, if not all, of the change within me to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and to the amazing peace He brings.

I was so excited about the message Pastor Chris brought yesterday through the movie, The Guardian that I SO wanted so many people I love to hear it. But I think the most important part of that message for me is that I have to just save the ones I can and let the rest go. I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is to not be able to help the ones you love most. But like my very wise best friend told me, I am who I am and that will help some. And for that I am thankful.

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 9

Saturday I was thankful to live in the state of Alabama (even though I may leave someday) and that my son is a student at the University of Alabama. I am also thankful for his roommates and their parents. Because of them, my daughter Kayti got to attend her first Alabama football game and what a game it was!

I was so proud of my Tide and very thankful to be in Tuscaloosa and feel a part of the amazing atmosphere down there! ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 8

Friday, I was thankful to have reached a point to not only be able to sit peacefully next to my ex husband at our daughter's football game (she is in the Colorguard and the football team is in the 6A playoffs--also thankful for both!) but that I had the peace within me to offer to share a blanket with him because it was bitterly cold! Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 7

Thursday I was thankful for having a late day work schedule because I'm able to schedule appointments during the morning on that day without having to take off work or miss time.

I was also thankful to take my daughters to a new orthodontist, Dr. Christy Savage! After such a terrible experience with Birmingham Orthodontics and then meeting Dr. Savage and being able to witness her evaluation of my daughters' needs and thorough examination, I have realized the old adage is true--you get what you pay for!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 6

Wednesday, I was thankful for the discovery of an amazing restaurant called Chuys that prepares and serves the absolute best Mexican food I have ever had!

I am also thankful to live in a relatively big city and realize that there is so many things here I still haven't seen, done or experienced. I think we've established that while a visit to the country once in a while is nice, I'm a bonafide city girl and while being at the Summit Wednesday night with all the lights and shops (even though I'm not much of a shopper) I realized again that city life is my natural habitat. And I plan to take advantage of this realization and experience more of what this city has to offer before I move too far away from it (yes, my experience with the electricity and Jefferson County confirmed I will soon be leaving it but I will stay close to Birmingham for now--Shelby County is where I'll most likely be next).

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 5

Yes, I'm woefully behind but I'm catching up now!

Tuesday, Day 5, I was thankful for electricity!!! Yes, folks, it was finally turned on again around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday night after going a few rounds with my landlord and Jefferson County, neither of which I'm very thankful for at the moment!

But as I joked with the repairman from Alabama Power, who toted a ladder through the narrow hallway of my townhouse to get to the backyard (because the landlord STILL has not fixed the fence nor cut down all the brush blocking the path to the backyard and the utility pole) and worked diligently in the dark for what seemed like a long time, I would have made biscuits and gravy for him and affectionately referred to him as my new best friend!

It's amazing the things we take for granted and while I sat in the dark, playing on my android while he was hooking the lines back up I realized that there are many people in this world that do not have the luxury of electricity--something we think is a necessary. I was reminded again how very blessed I am to live where I do and be able to afford some of life's simple pleasures!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 4

Today I am thankful for my job. I work in teleworking at a bank performing outbound sales and customer service calls to existing customers. Even though our calls are to people already our customers and there is little to no cold-calling involved, it still is basically telemarketing and it's not anymore fun being on the performing end than it is the receiving end sometimes.

I hated it in the beginning. As much as I have worked for banks, very little of it has ever been on the retail side and I don't know much about the company or its products. Feeling like I don't know something makes me fearful of being asked questions. But all we are supposed to do is read the script and disposition the call one of several ways. I don't get paid commissions or have to meet any quotas or anything because right now I'm only a temp. At times, it's incredibly boring.

But with the last few campaigns we have dialed, I've discovered I'm actually better at it that I ever thought I would be. A previous employer basically told me my customer service skills sucked. Not because I was ever rude to a customer or anything like that at all. But I'm a results oriented person. When someone comes to me with a problem, it's hardwired in my DNA to need to fix it. I've discovered through working in fields highly concentrated in external customer service that sometimes, the customer really doesn't want their problem solved, as strange as that may sound. Most of the time, they just want to be heard. And this job has provided very good practice for listening.

It's also been good practice for speech and diction, something this southern belle needs a lot of, even though I get complimented by those out of state on my accent all the time. When it's a script I'm VERY familiar with, I concentrate on my voice tone, annunciation, etc. Maybe this is good prep for my dream job! That's how I'm choosing to look at it anyway.

And of course, in this economy, I'm thankful to have a job that provides for our needs period. I know what it's like to not have one! I am VERY thankful for my job. It may not be what I want to do for the rest of my life. In fact, I KNOW God has bigger and better plans for me. Nonetheless, until He opens those doors, I'm quite content and grateful!

Thirty Days of Thankfulness Day 3

I am so very thankful that God led me to Church of the Highlands! I am thankful that I didn't give up on it because "it's too big", "overwhelming", or "the traffic". In the beginning it was all of those things. And to someone that hasn't become a part of it, it probably is still all of those things. But I am so glad I gave it a chance because it is SO much more. I am not sure I can adequately put it into words.

When I'm there, especially at Grants Mill, I look around at all the people--God's children--and I get a glimpse of what Heaven will be like. All kinds of people, black, white, hispanic, asian, etc., tattoos, jeans, suits, young, old, men, women all worshiping the One True King and worshiping PASSIONATELY, not just sitting and giving it a half effort. But fully immersed in worship. It's something you have to see to believe. It's an indescribable feeling I get when I look around at my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I love our pastors, especially Pastor Chris. I love his positive attitude, his generosity, his passion, his vision and his heart. He is truly anointed to be able to bring messages from the Lord and relate them in practical ways that are encouraging.

I love our Dream Team and am so blessed to be a part of it. Dream Teamers rock babies, teach children, lead small groups, feed the hungry, minister to the homeless, imprisoned, addicted, impoverished and unhealthy. Dream Teamers do administrative work, greet people, serve coffee, and do yardwork. Dream Teamers sing, play music, create media,  lead mission trips, tutor and mentor children, cook food, write letters and so much more. Dream Teamers are literally the hands and feet of Christ.

I love our people. No, we are not perfect. We are all flawed human beings worshiping, loving and serving a perfect Savior because of His love for us. It's a church that "gets it", is life giving and hopeful. Yes, it's a church that preaches from the Bible and makes no apologies for the gospel. But not just the death and damnation part, the resurrection and eternal life part that is SO IMPORTANT!

I am so blessed to be a part of this church and encourage you to visit. If it's not for you, that's okay. Find a place that means as much to you and does all of these things so that you will live a life fulfilled!

Thirty days of Thankfulness Day 2

Friday morning, I woke up, went downstairs and immediately opened the back door to let Mady out and saw that power lines were strewn across the yard! I went outside to investigate further and saw that my meter box and pole holding the lines had fallen completely away from the house due to rain and rotting wood! Yet the power was still on so I called Alabama Power. I'd already missed so much time from work for other reasons so I went on to work when I found out I didn't have to be there. They called and told me they would have to shut the electricity off and that I needed to call my landlord and have him get an electrician out to repair everything. I did and he did and everything was fixed that day. However, Alabama Power refused to cut the electricity back on until Jefferson County could inspect the work and guess who wouldn't answer the phone all day! 

Talk about ruining a weekend! I had planned to stay shut up in my house all weekend studying! So now I had no electricity and therefore no heat, no internet connection and also needed to get my perishable items to someone else's fridge immediately! 

There was never really any question about where I would go. Unless the landlord was willing to pay for a hotel stay--which he wasn't because it wasn't his fault and he'd done what he was supposed to--so I could stay close to Trussville, then I was staying with my best friend, Dede. And she never questioned it.

I am SO very thankful for her for so much. She took me and the girls in when we had no place else to go. She has shared her wisdom, laughter, spirituality and her door is always open to anyone that needs help. 

We have had a great weekend talking, sharing and doing things together. Even though it wasn't the weekend I planned, it has been one I will treasure forever. Thank you so much, sweet friend!

Nuggets of Wisdom from Divorce Care and my own thoughts....

"Divorce affects everyone close to you—your children, parents, relatives, and friends.  Your loved ones will have different responses throughout the divorce process, depending on their relationship with you and with your former spouse. They may feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, or anger. Their responses to you can vary from offering encouragement and support to showing meanness and blame. They might avoid you out of embarrassment or discomfort.

Sabrina Black says it is important to preserve the relationships with your loved ones to the best of your ability. She says, “Family members will often send mixed messages. You need to make sure you are being prayerful before God as you communicate with them. You need to keep in mind that the relationship is the most important thing. The goal is to love the other person, and as you are loving the person, you need to be honest with him or her.”

God wants you to love people even when they have been unlovable, even when they have spoken against you, hurt you, or blamed you. This kind of love can be difficult because you won’t feel like loving certain people. Ask God to help you with this. As a human, you cannot do it on your own, but with the help of the Holy Spirit you can learn to love with a godly love regardless of another person’s response to you."

I can't say that I was "prepared" for my childrens' responses to my divorce but I knew it wasn't going to be easy n them. But I had bought into the belief that "children are resilient" and they "would rather be from a broken home than live in one". And this is true in many ways. But there's no way anyone ever comes out of a divorce unscathed and no matter how much you try and prepare yourself and others and think you can gauge a reaction, it's really something impossible to do until you've actually gone through it. It's like imagining yourself walking through flames. You KNOW you'll be burned. You KNOW it'll be painful. But there's no way to possibly know the extent of the pain, scarring and damage unless you are someone that has actually been burned.

What I never imagined was the response from some friends and family members, including my own mother. I know that my mother's foremost concern was for the kids. But based on her reactions to other situations, I did not expect our relationship to suffer like it did following my divorce. As a mom myself, I know that no matter what my children have ever done or will ever do will change the depth of my love for them. And so I expected the same. And I know that my mother loves me. But I'm only just now beginning to see--after dealing with some issues with my own daughter--her perspective. She wanted better for me. She expected better from me. And she had formed an attachment with my ex after watching us go through so much together for 21 years. He had earned her love and respect. Mine had been freely given.  I expected everyone to switch gears with me quickly and that was a wrong expectation. 

My relationship with my mother is now on the mend. I know I've always had her love. But for someone that didn't love myself for awhile, it was hard to imagine that anyone else loved  me either, no matter how desperately I wanted to know that they do. And I have begun earning back some of her respect again as well. And that means a lot to me. 

Sadly, I did lose friends over my divorce. They just didn't know how to handle it. They wanted to live safely in their own little bubbles and as much as I have lost respect for them because of that, I do accept that that is just the way it is. Like Stephen King wrote in The Body, "Some people come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant." They obviously weren't the friends I thought they were. Just busboys. And I still love those busboys. But I have definitely learned not only the meaning but also the VALUE of what it means to HAVE a true friend and to BE a true friend.

And speaking of expectations...

"You have certain expectations in your daily life. Expectations of yourself, your children, your family members, your friends, and your former spouse. Until you stop and think about it, you may not realize just how high your standards are for yourself and for those around you. To move forward into the future, you need to learn to reset your expectations.

Consider how much you are asking of yourself and how much you can actually handle. Also, do you expect more from others than is realistic under the circumstances of your divorce? If you find yourself getting upset because someone does not live up to a certain expectation of yours, then maybe it’s time to back off and reset that expectation.

You can’t force other people into your expectations.  Reset your standards to a place where you can function, and examine your motivation for having that expectation in the first place."

I still get stressed out over this sometimes. I want to move forward so badly. I want to accomplish so much. So I set goals and start making plans. It's not long before I'm overwhelmed and I need to some downtime to unwind and refresh. Everyone does. But I seem to be needing it more and more lately and that has led me to the conclusion that my expectations of myself are too high. For awhile, they were too low. So I'm still trying to find the happy medium. It's difficult when you have so many responsibilities already and you want to mix in some dreams so you'll have a motivation for living up to those responsibilities. What do you "let go" of when you can't let go of anything? Even when I prioritize down to the simplest and most important things first, I find I have TOO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS!

For example, here, in the exact order they fall, are the most important things to me:

1) God. It's in my (and everyone else's) best interest to spend time in prayer and studying His Word every day. Not only that but I need the time of meditation to hear from Him, not just Him hear from me. And it's not that I only do it out of obligation, I want to. I love God so much! And He expects us to put Him first in our lives. Part of this includes serving Him by serving others.

2) My kids. Enough said.

3) My job. If my kids are important, and they are, then I have to be able to support them financially and provide for their needs (and some of their wants). And even though they are grown/almost grown, they'll still need things from me. And perhaps even especially because they are almost grown, I need to focus on my career all the more because I won't have child support and obviously no husband to provide for my own needs. It's all on me from here on out, as far as I know right now anyway. 

4) Graduate school. In my career field, it's kind of important in order to boost my potential earning power as well as to reestablish some credibility in the industry. 

5) Health. I hate that this comes 5th on the list but I can't bump it up any. I have to stay on my medicines for my emotional well-being and for my physical health. Hypothyroidism affects many aspects of one's life. I also need to shed a few pounds, take care of this knee and stay active. Not only do I need to do this, I quite enjoy it. There's nothing like the feeling of finishing a 5k faster than you did the last time you did one, even if you walked it the entire time. There's nothing like the feeling of getting through ONE more zumba routine before you feel like you have to start slacking immediately or you'll fall over dead in front of everyone. And there's nothing like looking in the mirror and seeing results from your sweat and hard work. If it's true that fat cries, honey mine throws a HISSY fit!

6) Other relationships. Another one that I hate being so far down on the list but where else can it go? Sometimes it does swap places with others at times, depending on the situation. But my parents, my sisters and their kids and my friends are all VERY important to me. And I want to take the time with them so that they know that. I cannot imagine my life without them. I also find value in the relationships I'm forming through my two groups--my LIFE group and my DivorceCare group--both through my church. God designed us to be in relationships with like minded people and it has been invaluable.

7) My purpose/calling. I'm still trying to determine what that is. To do that, I have to spend time on all the other things, especially number one. I'm beginning to gain some insight on what God wants me to do. He seems to be laying out the path. I just need the courage to follow it (and the time!)

8) Hobbies/passions/other things I want to do and places I want to go. It's important for everyone to have this component in their lives in some way. It plays a larger role for some than most and that's okay. Everyone is different. Most people don't have time. That's definitely true for me right now. 

So how to adjust my expectations of myself when there is so much I can't prune from my daily life? Just one more thing to give over to God.

Not only do I have to be mindful of my expectations for myself, I also have to be careful not to adjust my expectations to those that others have for me. 

“The realization came to me a couple of weeks ago that I have been living out everybody else’s expectations for me. It’s human nature that my friends want me to heal, and I had tried over time to convince them I was okay. I realize now that I was trying to get their stamp of approval that I was okay and that I was healing. I did this by buying into their expected response of ‘I don’t love my husband anymore.’ What I didn’t reckon with is the fact that there is nothing wrong with me still loving my husband. In fact, a year later, a year after we’ve separated, I still love my husband very much.”

You cannot make decisions based on the approval of others. You will only add to your stress and fatigue if you try to live up to the expectations of others. Reset your own expectations to a level you can cope with, and focus your energy on keeping within your own standards. This will help to free you emotionally."

I'm not really sure how I feel about my ex anymore. I will always care about him as not only the father of my children, of course but as another human being at least. I have learned that I need to be mindful that I can't inflict pain on him to relieve the pain I have. I have also learned that I can't let others put ideas in my head about what will happen with us. Some very well meaning people have said many times things like "ya'll will get back together", "God can restore your marriage, He can do anything". Yes, I know God CAN do anything. That doesn't mean He will. That doesn't mean it's in either of our best interest to be together and it especially doesn't mean that God needs my help in forcing it. It's like I said, I really don't know that I even WANT that but when you hear this over and over again, it gets in your head and under your skin. And you think that it's what needs to be. It doesn't. If it is to be, you can rest assured, it will be TOTALLY a God thing. 

And finally, probably the most important thing I've learned so far:

"If you’re a marathon runner,” says Dr. Jim A. Talley, “and you have open heart surgery, how long do you think it’s going to be before you can jog again? How long before you can run a mile? How long before you can run a marathon? When you put it in physical terms, people know it may take four or five years for recovery.

"Divorce is open heart surgery, emotionally. Some people are not willing to give it enough time, and their expectations for recovery are too fast. When you get up and go faster than you’re supposed to and you push your healing cycle too quickly, you have to do it over again and you get a relapse. What would normally take five years is going to take six or seven because you’ve done more damage to yourself in the process.”

Relax. Breathe deeply. You have just had open heart surgery and the prognosis is good. You will recover, but be prepared for therapeutic exercises, time for rest, getting back into work slowly, and for other people to think you look healthy on the outside when you still have a lot of healing left to do on the inside."

Amen. For the first few years following my divorce, some people would tell me to slow down and take the time to heal. My response was usually something like, "I don't need to. I'm fine. I'm completely okay with my divorce." I wasn't. I wanted to be. I thought that I was. 

For some people, divorce is like a gunshot wound. You feel the pain immediately and intensely. Mine was more like a cancer. I didn't really realize I had pain until time had past and the cancer was there. 

Either way, band aids (another relationship, self medication with drugs/alcohol, etc.) won't suffice. And time does NOT heal all wounds. Time COVERS wounds. The only one that can heal is Jesus Christ. And He's giving me the best treatment for my pain!

Be blessed!

Thirty days of thankfulness! Day 1

Today I am thankful for the homeless man I encountered outside the CVS on my walk to the Mexican restaurant to meet a friend for lunch. He reminded me how far I've come in just three short months and of the many times prior that I was almost there myself. But by the grace of God, I had family and friends that did not allow that to happen and in turn, I made it a priority to pull myself up by my bootstraps and work hard at taking advantage of the opportunities God sent my way, even if I didn't think they were ideal at the time.

I was also reminded that God loves everyone. Yes, I know a lot of people think that we shouldn't give money to homeless people. I've heard every excuse in the book:

1) they need to get a job

2) they are just addicts who will use it to get a fix

3) if they really tried they could help themselves

4) if they hadn't done something wrong to begin with, they wouldn't be in that situation.

You know what? I don't care about any of that. God puts people in my path for a reason. All too many times, He has used them to be a lesson to me--sometimes good, sometimes bad. But occasionally and more often lately, He has put people in my path for ME to be a blessing to, to show them His love for them. What they choose to do with that blessing is between THEM and God, I am only responsible to do MY part. 

I needed reminding of that today because in the midst of the chaos that is sometimes my life--frustration in traffic, dealing with the attitudes of coworkers and teenagers (sometimes one acting like the other!), financial stress, and even waking up to the unexpected like power lines being down in your yard!--I can get too arrogant in MY ability and forget to trust God for everything. 

He is my comforter, my provider, my confidante, my healer, my redeemer, my loving Father, my laughter, my joy and my best friend. He gives and  He takes away and if you ever think that such a thing as being homeless will never happen to you, I hope you never find out how terribly wrong you are. 

Yes, I am thankful for the homeless man being there to remind me that everyone deserves mercy. I am thankful to God that I was able to help him, if only with just a little and more importantly, I am thankful that I took the time to talk with him for a minute and find out some of his story. I am thankful with how blessed I am by the look on his face, grateful for not only the money but for the conversation. I am thankful that I was able to be used by God to show someone love and help them feel human again.

What are you thankful for today? Share below or on your own blog and post a link back below!

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 14

The last moment I felt really, truly blissful

I had some time to think about this today and I have not felt truly blissful since my divorce. As Tyler Perry so eloquently wrote in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "a few years of a divorce can take you through as many emotions as [21] years of a marriage". Ha! I'd say more. I have experienced emotions I didn't know existed and I don't think anyone does unless they have also been through a divorce. 

Yes, I have had moments of happiness. But "really, truly blissful"? Maybe one day, I will again...

But I am fortunate to have had many of those "moments" in the past. Of course after the birth of each of my own children. But I think the last time other than that was when my nephew, Cooper was born. My entire family was there and there was just so much joy. I was still married and Jeff, the kids and I were anxiously awaiting that precious little man. I don't think there was ever a baby more anticipated and loved. My brother in-laws family, my family, everyone just happy and living in the moment of the glorious arrival of a child. And of course, he was absolutely perfect. Still is. He reminds me so much of my sister (he's a carbon copy of her!) and my son when he was little. It was indeed one of those moments when all was right with the world. In my world, anyway.

I know more moments of bliss are in my future. I get closer and closer every day. I pray moments of bliss await you as well!

A Decision was made....

This blog will remain up and open to those in my close inner circle who have been with me through so many personal trials, troubles, struggles and have chosen to still love me and stick around for the joys and laughter. But future posts are going to made to a public blog that I will use as a platform for my new ministry.

Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I feel that God is speaking to my heart and telling me He wants to use this messed up, completely flawed woman to reach others. It's been something I've been fighting against for a long time. It isn't that I don't want to serve God. But I was afraid. Afraid that after so many times of messing up and having people, including some very godly Christian people, throw it back in my face as if to say, "how dare you propose to teach or lead others as screwed up and sinful as you are?" remind me that I'm not good enough, I have always taken a step back and wondered if I'm really being called or if it's just my bright idea.

And it isn't just other people that have been holding me back. I am guilty of holding myself back as well. I didn't want to give up what I always considered as basically just "me". And the biggest part of that me was the  FUN part of me. I'm brassy. I say exactly what's on my mind, often withouth stopping to think about it, regardless of who it might hurt. I have anger issues, little patience, am easily frustrated and curse. Though I've gotten better about a lot of it but it's still there. I imaging it will always be something I struggle with but I know that the God who called Paul, another impatient, angry, cursing, blasphemer can still use me. I also haven't wanted to let go of the occasional drink with friends and since I've been single and dating, I have enjoyed a very active sex life. I have been keeping one foot in the world while trying to be used God to save His children and lead them towards another world. Though we are all sinners and fall short, I have to remember to die to myself. It sounds like a difficult concept and almost impossible. But I know His grace is sufficient. He never calls the qualified. He qualifies the called.

During the last few weeks, God has reminded me time and time again about how patient He has been with me and I could feel Him telling me that it's time. The time is close, are you ready? I still wasn't sure. But after hearing Priscilla Shirer last night, I know. The time is now. It's here. It's time for me to stop trying to be a better person and to just be a new person! In Christ, I am a new creation and it's time to start living in that mindset.

So away with a lot of the old things and in with the new. The blog is just one of them. There will be other things to come. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. God wants to use me to do so much. He wants to use my pain and struggles to show other women that you ARE good enough, no matter what someone else may say about you. No matter how terribly you have messed up in the past, how much you mess up today or how much you might mess up in the future, you are STILL His child and He loves you unconditionally!

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 13

How I met the last person I texted and what our friendship means to me.

Wow! The last person I texted was my ex and it was a response to HIS text, let me make that clear! I'm not sure you can call us "friends" given all that we've been through, especially in the last few months, but we try for the sake of our children.

He is a great guy. And he wasn't a completely terrible husband. Most of the issues we had in our marriage were mine. Most. And I have many regrets. And a lot of guilt. These are things that I have to give over to God on a DAILY basis because I am the kind of person that has a tendency to pick them back up. All the time. And that causes trouble.

I think we are as reconciled as we can be for right now. If there is to be complete restoration, it will HAVE to be a God thing. I've learned it can't be forced. And if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I even want that. Sometimes I confuse feeling like I want restoration with just wanting to get rid of the guilt and regret. That is why I'm taking some time to focus on ME and trying not to worry so much about romantic relationships. 

I do appreciate the father he is to our three amazing children. I do appreciate that he has been there for me many times since our divorce. And for now, that has to be enough.

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 12

My proudest accomplishment.

Well, there was the time I made majorette in High School. I absolutely LOVED performing. I loved that I got to do my hair and makeup and wear pretty costumes, dance and twirl every Friday night. 

There was the time I was tapped into the National Honor Society. I still remember the seat I as sitting in, even though I don't think the old auditorium is even used anymore.  And I definitely remember the sweet girl that tapped me, Celina Pittman. And we are still in touch via Facebook.

I remember marrying my high school sweetheart that I'd been in love with  for so many years and prayed that God would bring us together. And yes, I know I messed it up royally but that's another story for another time. I still remember the days of our youth as being some very happy times.

There was the time that I was accepted to Birmingham-Southern College--the Ivy League of the South--where I met some lifelong friends and had some wonderful experiences. There was the time I got the opportunity to travel abroad with a group of fellow students to London and Paris--another lifelong dream come true. And then there was the time I GRADUATED--made it through a very rough Senior year while working full-time, caring for two small children and a very sick husband.

There was the time that my husband and I took a cruise to Mexico as a celebration of making it through that year! Another lifelong dream fulfilled for both of us as we snorkled in Cozumel and walked around Key West.

There was the time that I gave up a lucrative career that I'd worked hard for in order to follow God's calling to be home with my children and teach preschool. There were the times I taught many children to read before they ever entered kindergarten and the look on their little faces when it "clicked" is just a feeling I cannot describe.

There was the time that I got to see my name in print for the very first time when I worked as a freelance reporter for a local small town newspaper.

There was the time that I got the opportunity to homeschool  two of my children and oh the experiences we had! I worried the entire time that I was messing them up academically but now they are both back in public high school and making excellent grades.

There was the time I got to meet Joel Osteen when he came for A Night of Hope in Birmingham in May 2012.

There are so many more things that I'm proud of in my life. But without a doubt, my GREATEST accomplishment is when I became a mom to the three most amazing children to ever be born! I am SO proud of all three of them. They are so very different in terms of intelligence (though they are ALL smart), personality, dreams, ambitions, desires. They aren't perfect. But they bring so much joy to my life. I can't imagine life without them.

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 11

My worst/funniest/most embarrassing date.

I didn't date much in High School. I was SO in love with my ex husband. My lack of dating/experience ultimately is what led to some major issues in our marriage and our eventual divorce. So for the last three years, I felt I had a lot of time to make up for and whether or not that was a mistake is still something I'm debating within my own head and heart.

Nonetheless, it happened and oh the stories I can tell! But I definitely have to say my worst "date" was earlier this year when I met someone from the plenty of fish website at a local coffee shop. I have to put the word "date" in quotes because apparently what constitutes a "date" is a matter of opinion. He even told me as much after we arrived that he "liked to meet women and just talk first before spending any money on them for a date". So he didn't even offer to buy me a cup of coffee. 

I admit that the lines are somewhat blurred with women being more independent these days. But as a general rule, I think the one that initiates the "date", either needs to be prepared to pay or at least discuss the terms before hand (dutch treat, etc.)

Nonetheless, it was just a "getting acquainted" type thing. And acquainted we did get! The man would not shut up! He told me every intimate detail of his life--way more than I need to know for a first "date".  And when I did get a chance to talk it quickly became obvious that we not only had NO CHEMISTRY (very important to me) and NOTHING IN COMMON. What was worse is that he was downing the very things I am passionate about--my church and my football team! Talk about your dealbreakers!

I quickly wrapped up the date and left. When I got home about 20 minutes later, I had an email from him asking if he could see me again! He said, "we'll have to just agree to disagree on some things". Um, no!

I just politely declined. I said that while I enjoyed our conversation (little white lie, didn't hurt anybody, right?) that I didn't feel a connection and that my church involvement and my football team were two very big things in my life and that whoever I end up with would have to be somebody that could share in those in some way.

Now, I AM open-minded and have dated fans of other teams. But they at least have to be willing to go tailgating with me and not obnoxious when I'm watching! I didn't see that happening here.

One thing struck me during our conversation. He said he didn't get a lot of second dates. Gee, wonder why? 

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 10

Day 10: The Meaning of My Name and What It Means to Me

My name is Lori Michelle

Lori is a diminutive of Laura which is a feminine form of the Latin name Laurus, meaning "Laurel". In Roman times, crowns of laurel leaves were put on the heads of victors.

Michelle is a french, feminine form of the Hebrew name Michael which means "Who is like the Lord?" It's important to note the question mark in this meaning. In my research, the meaning suggests that it is a rhetorical question because NO ONE is like God. Amen.

Amen. I think we all know that I certainly am not!

But I DO strive to be. Not because I want to earn anything from Him but because I want to thank Him for the incredible GIFT of salvation and continued blessings on my life. As much as I have done to destroy it, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, His unfailing love continues and His mercy is unending.

Therefore, I'll continue to try and live up to my name. And my first name implies, that I will be victorious at it!

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 9

My favorite “weird/funny single behavior”

"I don’t know if you ever saw the episode of Sex & the City where the girls are talking about their “secret single behaviors” (Carrie would eat jam on Saltine crackers standing at her kitchen counter, Charlotte would stare at her pores in the mirror, etc.) – but it always makes me laugh when I rewatch it, because it’s such a great example of the uniqueness of the single journey. We simply experience life in a different way than our married counterparts and that’s just the way it is."

I, for one, am just glad there is another Christian woman in the "public" eye out there that will admit to not only watching but LOVING Sex & the City! This is an answer to a prayer for me because I have never felt "convicted" about it. After all, it's more about the friendship of four single women and their relationships--and shoes--more than anything else. But I've never felt comfortable admitting that to too many other Christians simply because of the title.

Anyway, that is one of my favorite episodes but I'm probably going to be one of those annoying people Miss Mandy Hale is annoyed by because I honestly can't think of any secret single behavior that I have! Maybe it's because I moved straight from my parents' house into an apartment with my husband and we were married for 21 years. But I'll try and come up with a few, though they aren't very "scandalous"!

1) Since I've been divorced, my son has moved away to college and it's just me and the girls, I will say that I DO walk around the house naked more. And it does freak my daughters out, especially my youngest. But as far from perfect as my body is, I'm comfortable in it. And it makes laundry MUCH easier when I can just undress downstairs by the washer/dryer and go ahead and put the items in the wash.

2) Because the girls are busy with activities and I'm working full-time, involved in church/ministry activities, in graduate school and have a very busy social life myself, I find I don't have time to cook as much as I'd like to so I'm quite satisfied to come home after a long day and simply eat cereal for dinner!

3) I can watch SATC reruns for HOURS on end without someone complaining! I can leave the TV on ALL NIGHT LONG and I can stay online or up reading without someone bugging me to come to bed! I can even crash on the couch and not go to bed at all if I want!

So I'm sorry I don't have any extremely weird secret single behavior. Maybe the longer I remain single, that'll change. I'll keep you posted!

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 8

Five things that are most important to me in a future mate.

I am not currently looking for a "mate". Right now, it's most important to me to become the best woman I can be by focusing on my relationship with God, my kids, my career with work and school, to serve others, improve my family relationships and strengthen my current friendships as well as make new ones--male and female.  Of course, I would reprioriize all of this if Shemar Moore realized I was the perfect woman for him! ha ha Just a little humor!

I trust that in due time God will reveal His plan for the rest of my life. Whether or not that involves a mate remains to be seen and I've accepted that because I know what He has for me is far better than any plans I could have for myself!  

But to play along with the challenge, if God were to bring about a special someone for me, God already knows that he must possess the following:

1) Love God with all his heart and want to serve him by serving others. He will want to pray for me and with me and I know that with Christ at the center of our relationship, it will not be easily destroyed, as my marriage was. "A cord of three strands (man, wife, God) is not easily broken." --T.D. Jakes

2) A sense of humor for laughter is good medicine. He has to be able to laugh at my silliness as well as at himself and not take the small stuff too seriously. 

3) A shared passion for college football and preferably an Alabama fan. I can live with a fan of another team as long as he isn't too overbearing about it and doesn't try to change me. After all, I'm not only a long-time, die-hard fan, I'm a mom to one student already and soon to be two! 

4) The ability to prioritize and plan. I don't expect him to be perfect about everything and I know plans sometimes fall through. And spontaneity is good also. But I like to be able to set goals and work towards them even if I change my mind at some point. I don't want someone that has no ambition at all to even leave the house several days in a row!

5) His own interests. As great as it is to have common interests and passions, it's good to keep some things for oneself--things that he enjoys doing with alone or with friends. I'm not the type of girlfriend/wife that is too clingy. After all, I have my own life to live as well. A shared life doesn't mean being joined at the hip 24/7!

Of course there are other things I look for. I've always been drawn to nice eyes, good hygiene (especially a good smelling man!) and some attempt to be healthy. I don't care so much about a gut (as long as it's just ONE gut and not two or three!) and I'm definitely not the diet police. But everything in moderation.

I also LOVE a good kisser! Soft lips, gentle tongue...okay that's enough there. This is a grown-up and Christian blog now! ;)

Good manners are also important. Open doors, pull out chairs and pump gas! LOL 

Most importantly, I have always believed and still do, that it's a chemistry thing. It can't be faked. It's either there or it isn't. But just because there is chemistry there doesn't mean the relationship is God's will. From now on, for the rest of my life, I will ALWAYS seek His perfect will for my life and for those in it. 

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 7

Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point.

That depends on what part of my life we are measuring from! If we are speaking from high school or even college or even ten years ago, my life looks MUCH different than I thought it would to say the least. 

When I was in high school, I wasn't thinking about kids or marriage so much. I thought I might go to law school and eventually adopt a few orphans. 

Then I married my high school sweetheart and that changed everything. All I wanted to be was a mom at that point and I could not ask for better children. I thoroughly enjoyed being their mom.  My marriage had its ups and downs and eventually failed three years ago and since then, it's been a series of ups and downs.

I had what I thought was the lowest point in July 2011 when I had a nervous breakdown after an abusive relationship and spent a week as a patient in a mental health facility (voluntarily). I put my life back together for awhile and then hit rock bottom again a few months ago when an argument with my ex landed me in jail for two days. I have since been exonerated but the experience still took its toll on my personal and professional life for a moment.

But this is how great God is...I have a new job, am in graduate school, a renewed purpose in life, and many things to look forward to. And in just two short months, God took what seemed completely hopeless and broken and has already made it into something better than it was before. And the best thing is, I know He's not done yet!

The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 6

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

This is a toughie. In many ways it's true. I was married for 21 years and have been divorced for almost 3 and in those short 3 years of dating for the most part I did CHOOSE to not be committed to anyone. I didn't date more than one man at a time but I have dated a lot of them--serial monogamy at it's best! And while I'm going through a stage in my life where I'm choosing not to date at all, I think when I'm ready to begin dating again, I will be dating for the express purpose of finding a lifelong partner again.

I have, however, witnessed friends who have wanted to be committed and the ones they wanted to be committed to did not want that. So some women do not get the exact love life they want. Or maybe they just don't get it in that one particular person. But I do think it's true that you get what you settle for.

For me, from now on, my heart will be so hidden in Christ that any man who wants to be with me will have to seek Him first to find it! (paraphrased from Maya Angelou) I am SO in love with my Savior!

And that is the EXACT love life that I want!