This blog will remain up and open to those in my close inner circle who have been with me through so many personal trials, troubles, struggles and have chosen to still love me and stick around for the joys and laughter. But future posts are going to made to a public blog that I will use as a platform for my new ministry.
Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I feel that God is speaking to my heart and telling me He wants to use this messed up, completely flawed woman to reach others. It's been something I've been fighting against for a long time. It isn't that I don't want to serve God. But I was afraid. Afraid that after so many times of messing up and having people, including some very godly Christian people, throw it back in my face as if to say, "how dare you propose to teach or lead others as screwed up and sinful as you are?" remind me that I'm not good enough, I have always taken a step back and wondered if I'm really being called or if it's just my bright idea.
And it isn't just other people that have been holding me back. I am guilty of holding myself back as well. I didn't want to give up what I always considered as basically just "me". And the biggest part of that me was the FUN part of me. I'm brassy. I say exactly what's on my mind, often withouth stopping to think about it, regardless of who it might hurt. I have anger issues, little patience, am easily frustrated and curse. Though I've gotten better about a lot of it but it's still there. I imaging it will always be something I struggle with but I know that the God who called Paul, another impatient, angry, cursing, blasphemer can still use me. I also haven't wanted to let go of the occasional drink with friends and since I've been single and dating, I have enjoyed a very active sex life. I have been keeping one foot in the world while trying to be used God to save His children and lead them towards another world. Though we are all sinners and fall short, I have to remember to die to myself. It sounds like a difficult concept and almost impossible. But I know His grace is sufficient. He never calls the qualified. He qualifies the called.
During the last few weeks, God has reminded me time and time again about how patient He has been with me and I could feel Him telling me that it's time. The time is close, are you ready? I still wasn't sure. But after hearing Priscilla Shirer last night, I know. The time is now. It's here. It's time for me to stop trying to be a better person and to just be a new person! In Christ, I am a new creation and it's time to start living in that mindset.
So away with a lot of the old things and in with the new. The blog is just one of them. There will be other things to come. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. God wants to use me to do so much. He wants to use my pain and struggles to show other women that you ARE good enough, no matter what someone else may say about you. No matter how terribly you have messed up in the past, how much you mess up today or how much you might mess up in the future, you are STILL His child and He loves you unconditionally!
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