"Divorce affects everyone close to you—your children, parents, relatives, and friends. Your loved ones will have different responses throughout the divorce process, depending on their relationship with you and with your former spouse. They may feel sadness, disappointment, resentment, or anger. Their responses to you can vary from offering encouragement and support to showing meanness and blame. They might avoid you out of embarrassment or discomfort.
Sabrina Black says it is important to preserve the relationships with your loved ones to the best of your ability. She says, “Family members will often send mixed messages. You need to make sure you are being prayerful before God as you communicate with them. You need to keep in mind that the relationship is the most important thing. The goal is to love the other person, and as you are loving the person, you need to be honest with him or her.”
God wants you to love people even when they have been unlovable, even when they have spoken against you, hurt you, or blamed you. This kind of love can be difficult because you won’t feel like loving certain people. Ask God to help you with this. As a human, you cannot do it on your own, but with the help of the Holy Spirit you can learn to love with a godly love regardless of another person’s response to you."
I can't say that I was "prepared" for my childrens' responses to my divorce but I knew it wasn't going to be easy n them. But I had bought into the belief that "children are resilient" and they "would rather be from a broken home than live in one". And this is true in many ways. But there's no way anyone ever comes out of a divorce unscathed and no matter how much you try and prepare yourself and others and think you can gauge a reaction, it's really something impossible to do until you've actually gone through it. It's like imagining yourself walking through flames. You KNOW you'll be burned. You KNOW it'll be painful. But there's no way to possibly know the extent of the pain, scarring and damage unless you are someone that has actually been burned.
What I never imagined was the response from some friends and family members, including my own mother. I know that my mother's foremost concern was for the kids. But based on her reactions to other situations, I did not expect our relationship to suffer like it did following my divorce. As a mom myself, I know that no matter what my children have ever done or will ever do will change the depth of my love for them. And so I expected the same. And I know that my mother loves me. But I'm only just now beginning to see--after dealing with some issues with my own daughter--her perspective. She wanted better for me. She expected better from me. And she had formed an attachment with my ex after watching us go through so much together for 21 years. He had earned her love and respect. Mine had been freely given. I expected everyone to switch gears with me quickly and that was a wrong expectation.
My relationship with my mother is now on the mend. I know I've always had her love. But for someone that didn't love myself for awhile, it was hard to imagine that anyone else loved me either, no matter how desperately I wanted to know that they do. And I have begun earning back some of her respect again as well. And that means a lot to me.
Sadly, I did lose friends over my divorce. They just didn't know how to handle it. They wanted to live safely in their own little bubbles and as much as I have lost respect for them because of that, I do accept that that is just the way it is. Like Stephen King wrote in The Body, "Some people come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant." They obviously weren't the friends I thought they were. Just busboys. And I still love those busboys. But I have definitely learned not only the meaning but also the VALUE of what it means to HAVE a true friend and to BE a true friend.
And speaking of expectations...
"You have certain expectations in your daily life. Expectations of yourself, your children, your family members, your friends, and your former spouse. Until you stop and think about it, you may not realize just how high your standards are for yourself and for those around you. To move forward into the future, you need to learn to reset your expectations.
Consider how much you are asking of yourself and how much you can actually handle. Also, do you expect more from others than is realistic under the circumstances of your divorce? If you find yourself getting upset because someone does not live up to a certain expectation of yours, then maybe it’s time to back off and reset that expectation.
You can’t force other people into your expectations. Reset your standards to a place where you can function, and examine your motivation for having that expectation in the first place."
I still get stressed out over this sometimes. I want to move forward so badly. I want to accomplish so much. So I set goals and start making plans. It's not long before I'm overwhelmed and I need to some downtime to unwind and refresh. Everyone does. But I seem to be needing it more and more lately and that has led me to the conclusion that my expectations of myself are too high. For awhile, they were too low. So I'm still trying to find the happy medium. It's difficult when you have so many responsibilities already and you want to mix in some dreams so you'll have a motivation for living up to those responsibilities. What do you "let go" of when you can't let go of anything? Even when I prioritize down to the simplest and most important things first, I find I have TOO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS!
For example, here, in the exact order they fall, are the most important things to me:
1) God. It's in my (and everyone else's) best interest to spend time in prayer and studying His Word every day. Not only that but I need the time of meditation to hear from Him, not just Him hear from me. And it's not that I only do it out of obligation, I want to. I love God so much! And He expects us to put Him first in our lives. Part of this includes serving Him by serving others.
2) My kids. Enough said.
3) My job. If my kids are important, and they are, then I have to be able to support them financially and provide for their needs (and some of their wants). And even though they are grown/almost grown, they'll still need things from me. And perhaps even especially because they are almost grown, I need to focus on my career all the more because I won't have child support and obviously no husband to provide for my own needs. It's all on me from here on out, as far as I know right now anyway.
4) Graduate school. In my career field, it's kind of important in order to boost my potential earning power as well as to reestablish some credibility in the industry.
5) Health. I hate that this comes 5th on the list but I can't bump it up any. I have to stay on my medicines for my emotional well-being and for my physical health. Hypothyroidism affects many aspects of one's life. I also need to shed a few pounds, take care of this knee and stay active. Not only do I need to do this, I quite enjoy it. There's nothing like the feeling of finishing a 5k faster than you did the last time you did one, even if you walked it the entire time. There's nothing like the feeling of getting through ONE more zumba routine before you feel like you have to start slacking immediately or you'll fall over dead in front of everyone. And there's nothing like looking in the mirror and seeing results from your sweat and hard work. If it's true that fat cries, honey mine throws a HISSY fit!
6) Other relationships. Another one that I hate being so far down on the list but where else can it go? Sometimes it does swap places with others at times, depending on the situation. But my parents, my sisters and their kids and my friends are all VERY important to me. And I want to take the time with them so that they know that. I cannot imagine my life without them. I also find value in the relationships I'm forming through my two groups--my LIFE group and my DivorceCare group--both through my church. God designed us to be in relationships with like minded people and it has been invaluable.
7) My purpose/calling. I'm still trying to determine what that is. To do that, I have to spend time on all the other things, especially number one. I'm beginning to gain some insight on what God wants me to do. He seems to be laying out the path. I just need the courage to follow it (and the time!)
8) Hobbies/passions/other things I want to do and places I want to go. It's important for everyone to have this component in their lives in some way. It plays a larger role for some than most and that's okay. Everyone is different. Most people don't have time. That's definitely true for me right now.
So how to adjust my expectations of myself when there is so much I can't prune from my daily life? Just one more thing to give over to God.
Not only do I have to be mindful of my expectations for myself, I also have to be careful not to adjust my expectations to those that others have for me.
“The realization came to me a couple of weeks ago that I have been living out everybody else’s expectations for me. It’s human nature that my friends want me to heal, and I had tried over time to convince them I was okay. I realize now that I was trying to get their stamp of approval that I was okay and that I was healing. I did this by buying into their expected response of ‘I don’t love my husband anymore.’ What I didn’t reckon with is the fact that there is nothing wrong with me still loving my husband. In fact, a year later, a year after we’ve separated, I still love my husband very much.”
You cannot make decisions based on the approval of others. You will only add to your stress and fatigue if you try to live up to the expectations of others. Reset your own expectations to a level you can cope with, and focus your energy on keeping within your own standards. This will help to free you emotionally."
I'm not really sure how I feel about my ex anymore. I will always care about him as not only the father of my children, of course but as another human being at least. I have learned that I need to be mindful that I can't inflict pain on him to relieve the pain I have. I have also learned that I can't let others put ideas in my head about what will happen with us. Some very well meaning people have said many times things like "ya'll will get back together", "God can restore your marriage, He can do anything". Yes, I know God CAN do anything. That doesn't mean He will. That doesn't mean it's in either of our best interest to be together and it especially doesn't mean that God needs my help in forcing it. It's like I said, I really don't know that I even WANT that but when you hear this over and over again, it gets in your head and under your skin. And you think that it's what needs to be. It doesn't. If it is to be, you can rest assured, it will be TOTALLY a God thing.
And finally, probably the most important thing I've learned so far:
"If you’re a marathon runner,” says Dr. Jim A. Talley, “and you have open heart surgery, how long do you think it’s going to be before you can jog again? How long before you can run a mile? How long before you can run a marathon? When you put it in physical terms, people know it may take four or five years for recovery.
"Divorce is open heart surgery, emotionally. Some people are not willing to give it enough time, and their expectations for recovery are too fast. When you get up and go faster than you’re supposed to and you push your healing cycle too quickly, you have to do it over again and you get a relapse. What would normally take five years is going to take six or seven because you’ve done more damage to yourself in the process.”
Relax. Breathe deeply. You have just had open heart surgery and the prognosis is good. You will recover, but be prepared for therapeutic exercises, time for rest, getting back into work slowly, and for other people to think you look healthy on the outside when you still have a lot of healing left to do on the inside."
Amen. For the first few years following my divorce, some people would tell me to slow down and take the time to heal. My response was usually something like, "I don't need to. I'm fine. I'm completely okay with my divorce." I wasn't. I wanted to be. I thought that I was.
For some people, divorce is like a gunshot wound. You feel the pain immediately and intensely. Mine was more like a cancer. I didn't really realize I had pain until time had past and the cancer was there.
Either way, band aids (another relationship, self medication with drugs/alcohol, etc.) won't suffice. And time does NOT heal all wounds. Time COVERS wounds. The only one that can heal is Jesus Christ. And He's giving me the best treatment for my pain!
Be blessed!
No comments:
Post a Comment