Some difficult days...

Christmas has come and gone. We made our annual pilgrimage to the Alabama Theatre to see my all-time favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life.

And for some reason, I can't upload pictures...I'll have to figure that out later. Or if you follow me on Facebook, you can see them there.

The ex went with us and we had a great time. We have been getting along really great lately and for that I am very thankful. But as Christmas Eve approached, he declined to come with us to my parents house citing it would be "weird". I'm not sure why, he's been there every Christmas for the past 25 years, including the three (until this year) since our split and now all of a sudden it's "uncomfortable". I asked if it was because he was afraid people would be mad at him for the events of this past summer and he said no. So I still don't understand. It hurt my feelings terribly and took me a few days to get over it.

I have also had to deal with the fact that my best friend, the VERY BEST friend I have EVER had, is moving to Florida. I understand why and I fully support her decision. But oh my gosh am I ever going to miss her. Yes, I know, we have texts, and emails, and facebook, and she will make trips here and I will make trips there but it still feels like she's leaving me.

All this, the ex not wanting to be around, the friend moving, I think (I still have to discuss it with the therapist and prayer partners), has brought up all my abandonment issues from childhood and so I've had a difficult week.

Nonetheless, it has not stolen my joy. I feel closer to God than ever and feel so very complete with what people on the outside might see as "empty" and/or "depressing".

In fact, I had a friend message me recently telling me that my not drinking alcohol and my recent status updates are depressing and that I'm not being true to myself. He even took jabs at my age trying to goad me into going out and behaving the way I used to. I have to remember he's young. And although he is usually very mature for his age,he is probably not very mature spiritually. I still love him as a human being and for the way he once made me feel good about myself.

But it's almost impossible for me to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I can tell everyone that I don't drink right now because I am waiting on a court date to pass and trying my best to stay out of trouble and I tend to do stupid stuff when I drink. Not just puke on my friends' shoes stupid stuff--REALLY stupid stuff. Life altering stupid stuff.

And I just don't have any desire to drink, fornicate (not that I don't have normal sexual desire but I have asked God to help me channel that into more useful things until He sees fit to unite me with another and until then, that's ALL it is--fornication and it blows my mind how those that claim to be Christian and extremely right-wing will turn around and behave in such a way. Yes, we all sin and fall short but we need to at least try not to be double minded or double living. Okay, off the soapbox now), cuss and raise hell the way I used to. God has placed a desire in my heart for GOOD things and that is what I'm seeking after. And believe me, it's way more fulfilling that all that stuff I used to do EVER was.

It's kinda weird because I held a part of myself back from God for so long because I was SO AFRAID of "not being normal". Or that's how I viewed it in my head. The truth is, I wanted to keep one foot in the world. God demands ALL of us. When I finally surrendered though, I realized I'm not giving up ANYTHING important and getting EVERYTHING. This world has NOTHING for me.

He is my one desire. I may slip and fall again. I'm quite certain I will. But it won't be because I'm not trying because I'm afraid of  "missing out".  And I'll never doubt that He wants the very best for me and always know that I'm not missing a thing!