Write about someone or something you really care about.
It's hard to pick just one thing. I care about my family--my kids especially, my friends, my dog, my church, the lost, those that are hurting--especially on the inside. I care about breastfeeding, parental rights, and orphans. I try to stay out of politics because I am 50% left brained and 50% right brained which accounts for a lot of fence-riding! I just see both sides and I don't think that there is ONE right answer for every situation. And it's not so simple as "majority rules" when what the majority wants still hurts innocent people. I care about the environment but not enough to "live green" and eat organic when it's as expensive as it is. I care about animals but I do not believe they should have "rights", just be treated humanely.
The one thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is my daughter, Kayti. Now let me just preface this by saying that I DO love all of my children equally. But one thing I have discovered on this parenting journey is that you can't love all your children the same. You love them differently because they themselves are different. They are different from me, different from their dad, different from each other, different from everyone else in the world.
One of the books on my "To Read" list (actually several books) are Gary Chapman's Love Language books. Everyone has a unique love language. I'm still trying to figure out what my love language is as well as my children's. Perhaps I'll have more insight after I read the books!
But my daughter Kayti has struggled with some serious issues in recent years. Sometimes she is able to conquer. Sometimes not. And when she is not, my heart breaks for her. I want so badly to go back to when she was a baby and do things all over again. I want to spend more time with her and enjoy the happy baby that she was instead of being concerned about graduating college and paying bills. I wish I could have put more space between her and Brooke and maybe they would get along better. I wish I would have handled her stubbornness differently. I had ZERO patience. I wish I had mothered her better.
I wish I could go back to when she started developing and somehow imparted into her spirit that she IS beautiful. I know I told her repeatedly as did others. But somehow we were not able to get it into her head. I wish I could go back to when she was little and been a better Christian mother, feeding her soul with prayer and scripture instead of struggling inside my own heart with the answers myself.
I wish I could go back to the terrible, awful, night that I made the most horrible mistake of my life that cost not just me, but my children the most precious thing we had--a family. I wonder how things might be different for all of us. But especially her. Maybe her faith wouldn't be flailing. Maybe she would trust those that love her. Maybe she wouldn't question herself and her own abilities and would have confidence in herself as a beautiful, intelligent young woman with the world at her feet.
But sadly, in life, we do not get do-overs. All I can do now is try my best to parent where I am and sometimes that still isn't a good place. But I do want her to know that no child was ever more wanted, planned for, worked for or loved. Her dad and I had to work hard to get her here, struggling for months with infertility. But that little miracle came through me. And we were and still are so tremendously proud.
I want her to know that I admire her gumption, her strength, her humor. I think she is smart, beautiful and if she will channel the negative into working to her advantage like I never could then there are no limits to what she can accomplish.
I want her to know that I love her more than I love myself and will always be here for her in ways that I can't be for myself. She is a writer like me so I hope that she will one day read the words in my journals with more than her eyes but with her heart in a way no one else can and understand. I just want her to see all that is deep in my spirit and somehow get it into hers while she is young enough to do something with it in a way I never could.
I love you, Sara Kaytlan Quick and always will.
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