The last moment I felt really, truly blissful
I had some time to think about this today and I have not felt truly blissful since my divorce. As Tyler Perry so eloquently wrote in Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "a few years of a divorce can take you through as many emotions as [21] years of a marriage". Ha! I'd say more. I have experienced emotions I didn't know existed and I don't think anyone does unless they have also been through a divorce.
Yes, I have had moments of happiness. But "really, truly blissful"? Maybe one day, I will again...
But I am fortunate to have had many of those "moments" in the past. Of course after the birth of each of my own children. But I think the last time other than that was when my nephew, Cooper was born. My entire family was there and there was just so much joy. I was still married and Jeff, the kids and I were anxiously awaiting that precious little man. I don't think there was ever a baby more anticipated and loved. My brother in-laws family, my family, everyone just happy and living in the moment of the glorious arrival of a child. And of course, he was absolutely perfect. Still is. He reminds me so much of my sister (he's a carbon copy of her!) and my son when he was little. It was indeed one of those moments when all was right with the world. In my world, anyway.
I know more moments of bliss are in my future. I get closer and closer every day. I pray moments of bliss await you as well!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
A Decision was made....
This blog will remain up and open to those in my close inner circle who have been with me through so many personal trials, troubles, struggles and have chosen to still love me and stick around for the joys and laughter. But future posts are going to made to a public blog that I will use as a platform for my new ministry.
Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I feel that God is speaking to my heart and telling me He wants to use this messed up, completely flawed woman to reach others. It's been something I've been fighting against for a long time. It isn't that I don't want to serve God. But I was afraid. Afraid that after so many times of messing up and having people, including some very godly Christian people, throw it back in my face as if to say, "how dare you propose to teach or lead others as screwed up and sinful as you are?" remind me that I'm not good enough, I have always taken a step back and wondered if I'm really being called or if it's just my bright idea.
And it isn't just other people that have been holding me back. I am guilty of holding myself back as well. I didn't want to give up what I always considered as basically just "me". And the biggest part of that me was the FUN part of me. I'm brassy. I say exactly what's on my mind, often withouth stopping to think about it, regardless of who it might hurt. I have anger issues, little patience, am easily frustrated and curse. Though I've gotten better about a lot of it but it's still there. I imaging it will always be something I struggle with but I know that the God who called Paul, another impatient, angry, cursing, blasphemer can still use me. I also haven't wanted to let go of the occasional drink with friends and since I've been single and dating, I have enjoyed a very active sex life. I have been keeping one foot in the world while trying to be used God to save His children and lead them towards another world. Though we are all sinners and fall short, I have to remember to die to myself. It sounds like a difficult concept and almost impossible. But I know His grace is sufficient. He never calls the qualified. He qualifies the called.
During the last few weeks, God has reminded me time and time again about how patient He has been with me and I could feel Him telling me that it's time. The time is close, are you ready? I still wasn't sure. But after hearing Priscilla Shirer last night, I know. The time is now. It's here. It's time for me to stop trying to be a better person and to just be a new person! In Christ, I am a new creation and it's time to start living in that mindset.
So away with a lot of the old things and in with the new. The blog is just one of them. There will be other things to come. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. God wants to use me to do so much. He wants to use my pain and struggles to show other women that you ARE good enough, no matter what someone else may say about you. No matter how terribly you have messed up in the past, how much you mess up today or how much you might mess up in the future, you are STILL His child and He loves you unconditionally!
Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I feel that God is speaking to my heart and telling me He wants to use this messed up, completely flawed woman to reach others. It's been something I've been fighting against for a long time. It isn't that I don't want to serve God. But I was afraid. Afraid that after so many times of messing up and having people, including some very godly Christian people, throw it back in my face as if to say, "how dare you propose to teach or lead others as screwed up and sinful as you are?" remind me that I'm not good enough, I have always taken a step back and wondered if I'm really being called or if it's just my bright idea.
And it isn't just other people that have been holding me back. I am guilty of holding myself back as well. I didn't want to give up what I always considered as basically just "me". And the biggest part of that me was the FUN part of me. I'm brassy. I say exactly what's on my mind, often withouth stopping to think about it, regardless of who it might hurt. I have anger issues, little patience, am easily frustrated and curse. Though I've gotten better about a lot of it but it's still there. I imaging it will always be something I struggle with but I know that the God who called Paul, another impatient, angry, cursing, blasphemer can still use me. I also haven't wanted to let go of the occasional drink with friends and since I've been single and dating, I have enjoyed a very active sex life. I have been keeping one foot in the world while trying to be used God to save His children and lead them towards another world. Though we are all sinners and fall short, I have to remember to die to myself. It sounds like a difficult concept and almost impossible. But I know His grace is sufficient. He never calls the qualified. He qualifies the called.
During the last few weeks, God has reminded me time and time again about how patient He has been with me and I could feel Him telling me that it's time. The time is close, are you ready? I still wasn't sure. But after hearing Priscilla Shirer last night, I know. The time is now. It's here. It's time for me to stop trying to be a better person and to just be a new person! In Christ, I am a new creation and it's time to start living in that mindset.
So away with a lot of the old things and in with the new. The blog is just one of them. There will be other things to come. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. God wants to use me to do so much. He wants to use my pain and struggles to show other women that you ARE good enough, no matter what someone else may say about you. No matter how terribly you have messed up in the past, how much you mess up today or how much you might mess up in the future, you are STILL His child and He loves you unconditionally!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 13
How I met the last person I texted and what our friendship means to me.
Wow! The last person I texted was my ex and it was a response to HIS text, let me make that clear! I'm not sure you can call us "friends" given all that we've been through, especially in the last few months, but we try for the sake of our children.
He is a great guy. And he wasn't a completely terrible husband. Most of the issues we had in our marriage were mine. Most. And I have many regrets. And a lot of guilt. These are things that I have to give over to God on a DAILY basis because I am the kind of person that has a tendency to pick them back up. All the time. And that causes trouble.
I think we are as reconciled as we can be for right now. If there is to be complete restoration, it will HAVE to be a God thing. I've learned it can't be forced. And if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I even want that. Sometimes I confuse feeling like I want restoration with just wanting to get rid of the guilt and regret. That is why I'm taking some time to focus on ME and trying not to worry so much about romantic relationships.
I do appreciate the father he is to our three amazing children. I do appreciate that he has been there for me many times since our divorce. And for now, that has to be enough.
Wow! The last person I texted was my ex and it was a response to HIS text, let me make that clear! I'm not sure you can call us "friends" given all that we've been through, especially in the last few months, but we try for the sake of our children.
He is a great guy. And he wasn't a completely terrible husband. Most of the issues we had in our marriage were mine. Most. And I have many regrets. And a lot of guilt. These are things that I have to give over to God on a DAILY basis because I am the kind of person that has a tendency to pick them back up. All the time. And that causes trouble.
I think we are as reconciled as we can be for right now. If there is to be complete restoration, it will HAVE to be a God thing. I've learned it can't be forced. And if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure I even want that. Sometimes I confuse feeling like I want restoration with just wanting to get rid of the guilt and regret. That is why I'm taking some time to focus on ME and trying not to worry so much about romantic relationships.
I do appreciate the father he is to our three amazing children. I do appreciate that he has been there for me many times since our divorce. And for now, that has to be enough.
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 12
My proudest accomplishment.
Well, there was the time I made majorette in High School. I absolutely LOVED performing. I loved that I got to do my hair and makeup and wear pretty costumes, dance and twirl every Friday night.
There was the time I was tapped into the National Honor Society. I still remember the seat I as sitting in, even though I don't think the old auditorium is even used anymore. And I definitely remember the sweet girl that tapped me, Celina Pittman. And we are still in touch via Facebook.
I remember marrying my high school sweetheart that I'd been in love with for so many years and prayed that God would bring us together. And yes, I know I messed it up royally but that's another story for another time. I still remember the days of our youth as being some very happy times.
There was the time that I was accepted to Birmingham-Southern College--the Ivy League of the South--where I met some lifelong friends and had some wonderful experiences. There was the time I got the opportunity to travel abroad with a group of fellow students to London and Paris--another lifelong dream come true. And then there was the time I GRADUATED--made it through a very rough Senior year while working full-time, caring for two small children and a very sick husband.
There was the time that my husband and I took a cruise to Mexico as a celebration of making it through that year! Another lifelong dream fulfilled for both of us as we snorkled in Cozumel and walked around Key West.
There was the time that I gave up a lucrative career that I'd worked hard for in order to follow God's calling to be home with my children and teach preschool. There were the times I taught many children to read before they ever entered kindergarten and the look on their little faces when it "clicked" is just a feeling I cannot describe.
There was the time that I got to see my name in print for the very first time when I worked as a freelance reporter for a local small town newspaper.
There was the time that I got the opportunity to homeschool two of my children and oh the experiences we had! I worried the entire time that I was messing them up academically but now they are both back in public high school and making excellent grades.
There was the time I got to meet Joel Osteen when he came for A Night of Hope in Birmingham in May 2012.
There are so many more things that I'm proud of in my life. But without a doubt, my GREATEST accomplishment is when I became a mom to the three most amazing children to ever be born! I am SO proud of all three of them. They are so very different in terms of intelligence (though they are ALL smart), personality, dreams, ambitions, desires. They aren't perfect. But they bring so much joy to my life. I can't imagine life without them.
Well, there was the time I made majorette in High School. I absolutely LOVED performing. I loved that I got to do my hair and makeup and wear pretty costumes, dance and twirl every Friday night.
There was the time I was tapped into the National Honor Society. I still remember the seat I as sitting in, even though I don't think the old auditorium is even used anymore. And I definitely remember the sweet girl that tapped me, Celina Pittman. And we are still in touch via Facebook.
I remember marrying my high school sweetheart that I'd been in love with for so many years and prayed that God would bring us together. And yes, I know I messed it up royally but that's another story for another time. I still remember the days of our youth as being some very happy times.
There was the time that I was accepted to Birmingham-Southern College--the Ivy League of the South--where I met some lifelong friends and had some wonderful experiences. There was the time I got the opportunity to travel abroad with a group of fellow students to London and Paris--another lifelong dream come true. And then there was the time I GRADUATED--made it through a very rough Senior year while working full-time, caring for two small children and a very sick husband.
There was the time that my husband and I took a cruise to Mexico as a celebration of making it through that year! Another lifelong dream fulfilled for both of us as we snorkled in Cozumel and walked around Key West.
There was the time that I gave up a lucrative career that I'd worked hard for in order to follow God's calling to be home with my children and teach preschool. There were the times I taught many children to read before they ever entered kindergarten and the look on their little faces when it "clicked" is just a feeling I cannot describe.
There was the time that I got to see my name in print for the very first time when I worked as a freelance reporter for a local small town newspaper.
There was the time that I got the opportunity to homeschool two of my children and oh the experiences we had! I worried the entire time that I was messing them up academically but now they are both back in public high school and making excellent grades.
There was the time I got to meet Joel Osteen when he came for A Night of Hope in Birmingham in May 2012.
There are so many more things that I'm proud of in my life. But without a doubt, my GREATEST accomplishment is when I became a mom to the three most amazing children to ever be born! I am SO proud of all three of them. They are so very different in terms of intelligence (though they are ALL smart), personality, dreams, ambitions, desires. They aren't perfect. But they bring so much joy to my life. I can't imagine life without them.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 11
My worst/funniest/most embarrassing date.
I didn't date much in High School. I was SO in love with my ex husband. My lack of dating/experience ultimately is what led to some major issues in our marriage and our eventual divorce. So for the last three years, I felt I had a lot of time to make up for and whether or not that was a mistake is still something I'm debating within my own head and heart.
Nonetheless, it happened and oh the stories I can tell! But I definitely have to say my worst "date" was earlier this year when I met someone from the plenty of fish website at a local coffee shop. I have to put the word "date" in quotes because apparently what constitutes a "date" is a matter of opinion. He even told me as much after we arrived that he "liked to meet women and just talk first before spending any money on them for a date". So he didn't even offer to buy me a cup of coffee.
I admit that the lines are somewhat blurred with women being more independent these days. But as a general rule, I think the one that initiates the "date", either needs to be prepared to pay or at least discuss the terms before hand (dutch treat, etc.)
Nonetheless, it was just a "getting acquainted" type thing. And acquainted we did get! The man would not shut up! He told me every intimate detail of his life--way more than I need to know for a first "date". And when I did get a chance to talk it quickly became obvious that we not only had NO CHEMISTRY (very important to me) and NOTHING IN COMMON. What was worse is that he was downing the very things I am passionate about--my church and my football team! Talk about your dealbreakers!
I quickly wrapped up the date and left. When I got home about 20 minutes later, I had an email from him asking if he could see me again! He said, "we'll have to just agree to disagree on some things". Um, no!
I just politely declined. I said that while I enjoyed our conversation (little white lie, didn't hurt anybody, right?) that I didn't feel a connection and that my church involvement and my football team were two very big things in my life and that whoever I end up with would have to be somebody that could share in those in some way.
Now, I AM open-minded and have dated fans of other teams. But they at least have to be willing to go tailgating with me and not obnoxious when I'm watching! I didn't see that happening here.
One thing struck me during our conversation. He said he didn't get a lot of second dates. Gee, wonder why?
I didn't date much in High School. I was SO in love with my ex husband. My lack of dating/experience ultimately is what led to some major issues in our marriage and our eventual divorce. So for the last three years, I felt I had a lot of time to make up for and whether or not that was a mistake is still something I'm debating within my own head and heart.
Nonetheless, it happened and oh the stories I can tell! But I definitely have to say my worst "date" was earlier this year when I met someone from the plenty of fish website at a local coffee shop. I have to put the word "date" in quotes because apparently what constitutes a "date" is a matter of opinion. He even told me as much after we arrived that he "liked to meet women and just talk first before spending any money on them for a date". So he didn't even offer to buy me a cup of coffee.
I admit that the lines are somewhat blurred with women being more independent these days. But as a general rule, I think the one that initiates the "date", either needs to be prepared to pay or at least discuss the terms before hand (dutch treat, etc.)
Nonetheless, it was just a "getting acquainted" type thing. And acquainted we did get! The man would not shut up! He told me every intimate detail of his life--way more than I need to know for a first "date". And when I did get a chance to talk it quickly became obvious that we not only had NO CHEMISTRY (very important to me) and NOTHING IN COMMON. What was worse is that he was downing the very things I am passionate about--my church and my football team! Talk about your dealbreakers!
I quickly wrapped up the date and left. When I got home about 20 minutes later, I had an email from him asking if he could see me again! He said, "we'll have to just agree to disagree on some things". Um, no!
I just politely declined. I said that while I enjoyed our conversation (little white lie, didn't hurt anybody, right?) that I didn't feel a connection and that my church involvement and my football team were two very big things in my life and that whoever I end up with would have to be somebody that could share in those in some way.
Now, I AM open-minded and have dated fans of other teams. But they at least have to be willing to go tailgating with me and not obnoxious when I'm watching! I didn't see that happening here.
One thing struck me during our conversation. He said he didn't get a lot of second dates. Gee, wonder why?
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 10
Day 10: The Meaning of My Name and What It Means to Me
My name is Lori Michelle
Lori is a diminutive of Laura which is a feminine form of the Latin name Laurus, meaning "Laurel". In Roman times, crowns of laurel leaves were put on the heads of victors.
Michelle is a french, feminine form of the Hebrew name Michael which means "Who is like the Lord?" It's important to note the question mark in this meaning. In my research, the meaning suggests that it is a rhetorical question because NO ONE is like God. Amen.
Amen. I think we all know that I certainly am not!
But I DO strive to be. Not because I want to earn anything from Him but because I want to thank Him for the incredible GIFT of salvation and continued blessings on my life. As much as I have done to destroy it, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, His unfailing love continues and His mercy is unending.
Therefore, I'll continue to try and live up to my name. And my first name implies, that I will be victorious at it!
My name is Lori Michelle
Lori is a diminutive of Laura which is a feminine form of the Latin name Laurus, meaning "Laurel". In Roman times, crowns of laurel leaves were put on the heads of victors.
Michelle is a french, feminine form of the Hebrew name Michael which means "Who is like the Lord?" It's important to note the question mark in this meaning. In my research, the meaning suggests that it is a rhetorical question because NO ONE is like God. Amen.
Amen. I think we all know that I certainly am not!
But I DO strive to be. Not because I want to earn anything from Him but because I want to thank Him for the incredible GIFT of salvation and continued blessings on my life. As much as I have done to destroy it, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally, His unfailing love continues and His mercy is unending.
Therefore, I'll continue to try and live up to my name. And my first name implies, that I will be victorious at it!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 9
My favorite “weird/funny single behavior”
"I don’t know if you ever saw the episode of Sex & the City where the girls are talking about their “secret single behaviors” (Carrie would eat jam on Saltine crackers standing at her kitchen counter, Charlotte would stare at her pores in the mirror, etc.) – but it always makes me laugh when I rewatch it, because it’s such a great example of the uniqueness of the single journey. We simply experience life in a different way than our married counterparts and that’s just the way it is."
I, for one, am just glad there is another Christian woman in the "public" eye out there that will admit to not only watching but LOVING Sex & the City! This is an answer to a prayer for me because I have never felt "convicted" about it. After all, it's more about the friendship of four single women and their relationships--and shoes--more than anything else. But I've never felt comfortable admitting that to too many other Christians simply because of the title.
Anyway, that is one of my favorite episodes but I'm probably going to be one of those annoying people Miss Mandy Hale is annoyed by because I honestly can't think of any secret single behavior that I have! Maybe it's because I moved straight from my parents' house into an apartment with my husband and we were married for 21 years. But I'll try and come up with a few, though they aren't very "scandalous"!
1) Since I've been divorced, my son has moved away to college and it's just me and the girls, I will say that I DO walk around the house naked more. And it does freak my daughters out, especially my youngest. But as far from perfect as my body is, I'm comfortable in it. And it makes laundry MUCH easier when I can just undress downstairs by the washer/dryer and go ahead and put the items in the wash.
2) Because the girls are busy with activities and I'm working full-time, involved in church/ministry activities, in graduate school and have a very busy social life myself, I find I don't have time to cook as much as I'd like to so I'm quite satisfied to come home after a long day and simply eat cereal for dinner!
3) I can watch SATC reruns for HOURS on end without someone complaining! I can leave the TV on ALL NIGHT LONG and I can stay online or up reading without someone bugging me to come to bed! I can even crash on the couch and not go to bed at all if I want!
So I'm sorry I don't have any extremely weird secret single behavior. Maybe the longer I remain single, that'll change. I'll keep you posted!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 8
Five things that are most important to me in a future mate.
I am not currently looking for a "mate". Right now, it's most important to me to become the best woman I can be by focusing on my relationship with God, my kids, my career with work and school, to serve others, improve my family relationships and strengthen my current friendships as well as make new ones--male and female. Of course, I would reprioriize all of this if Shemar Moore realized I was the perfect woman for him! ha ha Just a little humor!
I trust that in due time God will reveal His plan for the rest of my life. Whether or not that involves a mate remains to be seen and I've accepted that because I know what He has for me is far better than any plans I could have for myself!
But to play along with the challenge, if God were to bring about a special someone for me, God already knows that he must possess the following:
1) Love God with all his heart and want to serve him by serving others. He will want to pray for me and with me and I know that with Christ at the center of our relationship, it will not be easily destroyed, as my marriage was. "A cord of three strands (man, wife, God) is not easily broken." --T.D. Jakes
2) A sense of humor for laughter is good medicine. He has to be able to laugh at my silliness as well as at himself and not take the small stuff too seriously.
3) A shared passion for college football and preferably an Alabama fan. I can live with a fan of another team as long as he isn't too overbearing about it and doesn't try to change me. After all, I'm not only a long-time, die-hard fan, I'm a mom to one student already and soon to be two!
4) The ability to prioritize and plan. I don't expect him to be perfect about everything and I know plans sometimes fall through. And spontaneity is good also. But I like to be able to set goals and work towards them even if I change my mind at some point. I don't want someone that has no ambition at all to even leave the house several days in a row!
5) His own interests. As great as it is to have common interests and passions, it's good to keep some things for oneself--things that he enjoys doing with alone or with friends. I'm not the type of girlfriend/wife that is too clingy. After all, I have my own life to live as well. A shared life doesn't mean being joined at the hip 24/7!
Of course there are other things I look for. I've always been drawn to nice eyes, good hygiene (especially a good smelling man!) and some attempt to be healthy. I don't care so much about a gut (as long as it's just ONE gut and not two or three!) and I'm definitely not the diet police. But everything in moderation.
I also LOVE a good kisser! Soft lips, gentle tongue...okay that's enough there. This is a grown-up and Christian blog now! ;)
Good manners are also important. Open doors, pull out chairs and pump gas! LOL
Most importantly, I have always believed and still do, that it's a chemistry thing. It can't be faked. It's either there or it isn't. But just because there is chemistry there doesn't mean the relationship is God's will. From now on, for the rest of my life, I will ALWAYS seek His perfect will for my life and for those in it.
I am not currently looking for a "mate". Right now, it's most important to me to become the best woman I can be by focusing on my relationship with God, my kids, my career with work and school, to serve others, improve my family relationships and strengthen my current friendships as well as make new ones--male and female. Of course, I would reprioriize all of this if Shemar Moore realized I was the perfect woman for him! ha ha Just a little humor!
I trust that in due time God will reveal His plan for the rest of my life. Whether or not that involves a mate remains to be seen and I've accepted that because I know what He has for me is far better than any plans I could have for myself!
But to play along with the challenge, if God were to bring about a special someone for me, God already knows that he must possess the following:
1) Love God with all his heart and want to serve him by serving others. He will want to pray for me and with me and I know that with Christ at the center of our relationship, it will not be easily destroyed, as my marriage was. "A cord of three strands (man, wife, God) is not easily broken." --T.D. Jakes
2) A sense of humor for laughter is good medicine. He has to be able to laugh at my silliness as well as at himself and not take the small stuff too seriously.
3) A shared passion for college football and preferably an Alabama fan. I can live with a fan of another team as long as he isn't too overbearing about it and doesn't try to change me. After all, I'm not only a long-time, die-hard fan, I'm a mom to one student already and soon to be two!
4) The ability to prioritize and plan. I don't expect him to be perfect about everything and I know plans sometimes fall through. And spontaneity is good also. But I like to be able to set goals and work towards them even if I change my mind at some point. I don't want someone that has no ambition at all to even leave the house several days in a row!
5) His own interests. As great as it is to have common interests and passions, it's good to keep some things for oneself--things that he enjoys doing with alone or with friends. I'm not the type of girlfriend/wife that is too clingy. After all, I have my own life to live as well. A shared life doesn't mean being joined at the hip 24/7!
Of course there are other things I look for. I've always been drawn to nice eyes, good hygiene (especially a good smelling man!) and some attempt to be healthy. I don't care so much about a gut (as long as it's just ONE gut and not two or three!) and I'm definitely not the diet police. But everything in moderation.
I also LOVE a good kisser! Soft lips, gentle tongue...okay that's enough there. This is a grown-up and Christian blog now! ;)
Good manners are also important. Open doors, pull out chairs and pump gas! LOL
Most importantly, I have always believed and still do, that it's a chemistry thing. It can't be faked. It's either there or it isn't. But just because there is chemistry there doesn't mean the relationship is God's will. From now on, for the rest of my life, I will ALWAYS seek His perfect will for my life and for those in it.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 7
Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point.
That depends on what part of my life we are measuring from! If we are speaking from high school or even college or even ten years ago, my life looks MUCH different than I thought it would to say the least.
When I was in high school, I wasn't thinking about kids or marriage so much. I thought I might go to law school and eventually adopt a few orphans.
Then I married my high school sweetheart and that changed everything. All I wanted to be was a mom at that point and I could not ask for better children. I thoroughly enjoyed being their mom. My marriage had its ups and downs and eventually failed three years ago and since then, it's been a series of ups and downs.
I had what I thought was the lowest point in July 2011 when I had a nervous breakdown after an abusive relationship and spent a week as a patient in a mental health facility (voluntarily). I put my life back together for awhile and then hit rock bottom again a few months ago when an argument with my ex landed me in jail for two days. I have since been exonerated but the experience still took its toll on my personal and professional life for a moment.
But this is how great God is...I have a new job, am in graduate school, a renewed purpose in life, and many things to look forward to. And in just two short months, God took what seemed completely hopeless and broken and has already made it into something better than it was before. And the best thing is, I know He's not done yet!
That depends on what part of my life we are measuring from! If we are speaking from high school or even college or even ten years ago, my life looks MUCH different than I thought it would to say the least.
When I was in high school, I wasn't thinking about kids or marriage so much. I thought I might go to law school and eventually adopt a few orphans.
Then I married my high school sweetheart and that changed everything. All I wanted to be was a mom at that point and I could not ask for better children. I thoroughly enjoyed being their mom. My marriage had its ups and downs and eventually failed three years ago and since then, it's been a series of ups and downs.
I had what I thought was the lowest point in July 2011 when I had a nervous breakdown after an abusive relationship and spent a week as a patient in a mental health facility (voluntarily). I put my life back together for awhile and then hit rock bottom again a few months ago when an argument with my ex landed me in jail for two days. I have since been exonerated but the experience still took its toll on my personal and professional life for a moment.
But this is how great God is...I have a new job, am in graduate school, a renewed purpose in life, and many things to look forward to. And in just two short months, God took what seemed completely hopeless and broken and has already made it into something better than it was before. And the best thing is, I know He's not done yet!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 6
Every woman has the exact love life she wants.
This is a toughie. In many ways it's true. I was married for 21 years and have been divorced for almost 3 and in those short 3 years of dating for the most part I did CHOOSE to not be committed to anyone. I didn't date more than one man at a time but I have dated a lot of them--serial monogamy at it's best! And while I'm going through a stage in my life where I'm choosing not to date at all, I think when I'm ready to begin dating again, I will be dating for the express purpose of finding a lifelong partner again.
I have, however, witnessed friends who have wanted to be committed and the ones they wanted to be committed to did not want that. So some women do not get the exact love life they want. Or maybe they just don't get it in that one particular person. But I do think it's true that you get what you settle for.
For me, from now on, my heart will be so hidden in Christ that any man who wants to be with me will have to seek Him first to find it! (paraphrased from Maya Angelou) I am SO in love with my Savior!
And that is the EXACT love life that I want!
This is a toughie. In many ways it's true. I was married for 21 years and have been divorced for almost 3 and in those short 3 years of dating for the most part I did CHOOSE to not be committed to anyone. I didn't date more than one man at a time but I have dated a lot of them--serial monogamy at it's best! And while I'm going through a stage in my life where I'm choosing not to date at all, I think when I'm ready to begin dating again, I will be dating for the express purpose of finding a lifelong partner again.
I have, however, witnessed friends who have wanted to be committed and the ones they wanted to be committed to did not want that. So some women do not get the exact love life they want. Or maybe they just don't get it in that one particular person. But I do think it's true that you get what you settle for.
For me, from now on, my heart will be so hidden in Christ that any man who wants to be with me will have to seek Him first to find it! (paraphrased from Maya Angelou) I am SO in love with my Savior!
And that is the EXACT love life that I want!
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 5
The biggest misconception you think people have about single life.
That single people are somehow flawed and/or miserable. And to a degree it's true. We are flawed but no more so than married people. The Bible says We ALL sin and fall short. And let's face it--there are some out there that just will always be single for whatever reason. And that's okay. It doesn't make them any less valuable as individuals. As far as misery goes, yes, some are miserable. But I think those people would be miserable regardless of their relationship status. Happiness comes from within and from above.
That single people are somehow flawed and/or miserable. And to a degree it's true. We are flawed but no more so than married people. The Bible says We ALL sin and fall short. And let's face it--there are some out there that just will always be single for whatever reason. And that's okay. It doesn't make them any less valuable as individuals. As far as misery goes, yes, some are miserable. But I think those people would be miserable regardless of their relationship status. Happiness comes from within and from above.
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 4
Your biggest fear as a single person.
It used to be that I would never remarry or find anyone to grow old with but I think I'm pretty much over that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't saved enough money for my retirement. In fact, I KNOW i haven't and I no longer have my husband's pension since I no longer have my husband! But I choose to think of this as part of living on faith, knowing that God will supply all my needs. He always has. What's more, He has not given me a spirit of fear. He is in total control and has ordained my days.
It used to be that I would never remarry or find anyone to grow old with but I think I'm pretty much over that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't saved enough money for my retirement. In fact, I KNOW i haven't and I no longer have my husband's pension since I no longer have my husband! But I choose to think of this as part of living on faith, knowing that God will supply all my needs. He always has. What's more, He has not given me a spirit of fear. He is in total control and has ordained my days.
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge Day 3
Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.
Any day that I don't have to cook and can come home and have cereal for dinner without feeling guilty!
It was also pretty awesome when I bought my mustang--totally a car for a single woman (even if she does have two teenage daughters still living at home)--and bought it BY MYSELF!
Any day that I don't have to cook and can come home and have cereal for dinner without feeling guilty!
It was also pretty awesome when I bought my mustang--totally a car for a single woman (even if she does have two teenage daughters still living at home)--and bought it BY MYSELF!
The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge--Day 2
Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.
I can only pick just one? Haha
Most moments I am pretty happy. But having been married and had the joy of three kids living at home at one point in my life, the last few years have definitely been years of multiple adjustments. I've had to adjust to not only the divorce, living on my own and all the challenges that brings but my oldest child and only son graduated high school and moved off to college as well. I had to move a lot during the first year and all the getting adjusted kind of kept my busy and my mind off the realization that "I am now single", even though I did date and do single woman things.
So I guess it first hit me the first New Year's Eve 2011 when my ex picked up the kids and I was all alone in my new apartment. I had no car at the time and all my other friends had plans so I tried to make the best of it. But I have never felt more alone in my life than I did at that moment. What did I do? In my infinite wisdom (not!) I called an old boyfriend. That turned out to be a HUGE mistake! lol
I have since learned to try and embrace being alone. My TO DO list seems to be never ending and that's a good thing for me because it isn't just filled with the "have to's" it also has some craft projects, books I want to read, the bucket list, improvements and decorating ideas for the apartment, goals and dreams, etc. etc.
More and more lately, I've turned to God's Word for comfort. In fact, the topic in my DivorceCare group this week was 'Loneliness' and we read about when Jesus was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter and ultimately God the Father turned His back on His own Son in order to save the world. As a Christian, I knew these things. But I'd never thought about them in the context of how lonely Jesus must have felt during that time. Wow! To realize that my Savior knows and understands what I'm going through is such a great comfort to me.
I can only pick just one? Haha
Most moments I am pretty happy. But having been married and had the joy of three kids living at home at one point in my life, the last few years have definitely been years of multiple adjustments. I've had to adjust to not only the divorce, living on my own and all the challenges that brings but my oldest child and only son graduated high school and moved off to college as well. I had to move a lot during the first year and all the getting adjusted kind of kept my busy and my mind off the realization that "I am now single", even though I did date and do single woman things.
So I guess it first hit me the first New Year's Eve 2011 when my ex picked up the kids and I was all alone in my new apartment. I had no car at the time and all my other friends had plans so I tried to make the best of it. But I have never felt more alone in my life than I did at that moment. What did I do? In my infinite wisdom (not!) I called an old boyfriend. That turned out to be a HUGE mistake! lol
I have since learned to try and embrace being alone. My TO DO list seems to be never ending and that's a good thing for me because it isn't just filled with the "have to's" it also has some craft projects, books I want to read, the bucket list, improvements and decorating ideas for the apartment, goals and dreams, etc. etc.
More and more lately, I've turned to God's Word for comfort. In fact, the topic in my DivorceCare group this week was 'Loneliness' and we read about when Jesus was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter and ultimately God the Father turned His back on His own Son in order to save the world. As a Christian, I knew these things. But I'd never thought about them in the context of how lonely Jesus must have felt during that time. Wow! To realize that my Savior knows and understands what I'm going through is such a great comfort to me.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
The Single Woman's 30 day Blog Challenge--Day 1
"Why are you still single?"
I always answer honestly but how much detail I go into usually depends on the person. With some people, I simply respond, "we got married too young and though we worked really hard for 21 years, it just didn't work out." For closer friends or those I might want to get closer to, I still share the truth. "We got married too young and though we overcame MANY obstacles, we did not have a godly marriage. I was searching for something more. Now I know that I wanted a spiritual partner, someone who would pray with me and for me. But at the time, I thought I wanted to experience physical intimacy with someone else and so I let Satan trick me into an affair." Two and a half years later, I am single because I want to fix what was broken in me before I attempt to be anyone else's wife again. I am trusting God to either restore my marriage (I'm doubtful but I know with God, all things are possible. I don't know that it's what *I* even want but I am completely open to what God wants), bring me a truly amazing and godly man or serve Him being single for the rest of my life. Whatever He decides. I'm open to it.
I always answer honestly but how much detail I go into usually depends on the person. With some people, I simply respond, "we got married too young and though we worked really hard for 21 years, it just didn't work out." For closer friends or those I might want to get closer to, I still share the truth. "We got married too young and though we overcame MANY obstacles, we did not have a godly marriage. I was searching for something more. Now I know that I wanted a spiritual partner, someone who would pray with me and for me. But at the time, I thought I wanted to experience physical intimacy with someone else and so I let Satan trick me into an affair." Two and a half years later, I am single because I want to fix what was broken in me before I attempt to be anyone else's wife again. I am trusting God to either restore my marriage (I'm doubtful but I know with God, all things are possible. I don't know that it's what *I* even want but I am completely open to what God wants), bring me a truly amazing and godly man or serve Him being single for the rest of my life. Whatever He decides. I'm open to it.
Nuggets from reCreate13
From Priscilla Shirer, Friday evening:
How many times has God tried to position you to receive what He has for you and you have rebelled and fought Him? And yet He is STILL patiently waiting and guiding you to your destiny. Some will not hang with you through this change. He always will. God is patient!
I cannot tell you how many different ways this spoke to me. There have been so many times I have felt led to do more for God. I am not sure yet what that "more" is but every time I get close, I get afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things (and that may come as a big shock to some of you) but I think the biggest thing I am afraid of is missing out on something better. That has been the root of so many of my issues over the course of my life. Changing jobs, changing majors, changing schools, changing careers, changing living locations, changing churches and ultimately, changing marital statuses. I guess somewhere deep down, for some reason, I always felt there was something better, something more that was just out of my reach. Many times I didn't realize what the "more" was and the few times I was close to it, I was once again afraid that I would have to give up something better to get it.
Many years ago, my family attended a local baptist church and I got very involved in the children's ministry. When the children's pastor decided to leave and accept a position out of state, my name was immediately put up as a candidate for interim director. But at the time I was desperately trying to live in both worlds because my husband was not saved. I disclosed on my blog at the time about drinking alcohol on occassion. It was read by the wrong person and long story short, instead of doing the biblical thing and coming to talk to me about it, the information was forwarded to my pastor. You may or may not know that many churches but particularly baptist churches take a dim view of alcohol consumption and so I was asked to withdraw my name from consideration. I did but I was so hurt that my family and I left the church.
In hindsight, I realize that I did exercise some bad judgment about the entire situation--the drinking, writing about it publicly and my reaction. But what bothers me most now is how close I was to stepping up to do something God really needed me to do at the time--minister to children--and I ran from it. I was not willing to "take my lumps" and ultimately receive what He had for me. Instead, I let Satan have the victory. And it wouldn't be the last time. Shamefully, I admit, I probably still haven't experienced the last time. But God is patient.
Where humans have to grow and be trained in levels of patience, God does not.
God places us in situations that train us. I often fail at first but I think finally, maybe, I'm starting to see that and learn from it. Hey, us old dogs can learn new tricks, it just takes us a bit longer!
And because God is patient, we get to experience everything else God is! Wow! What truth there is in that statement.
As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 1:12-16, he (Paul) is a demonstration of the patience of God. No one had a greater sin resume than Paul. We all have our own sin resumes and what we need to do is stop looking at others' and look at our own. Alcohol may not be a good thing. Neither is stuffing your face at the church picnic! God looks on ALL sin the same. But that's a topic for another time. The point is, Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that:
How many times has God tried to position you to receive what He has for you and you have rebelled and fought Him? And yet He is STILL patiently waiting and guiding you to your destiny. Some will not hang with you through this change. He always will. God is patient!
I cannot tell you how many different ways this spoke to me. There have been so many times I have felt led to do more for God. I am not sure yet what that "more" is but every time I get close, I get afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things (and that may come as a big shock to some of you) but I think the biggest thing I am afraid of is missing out on something better. That has been the root of so many of my issues over the course of my life. Changing jobs, changing majors, changing schools, changing careers, changing living locations, changing churches and ultimately, changing marital statuses. I guess somewhere deep down, for some reason, I always felt there was something better, something more that was just out of my reach. Many times I didn't realize what the "more" was and the few times I was close to it, I was once again afraid that I would have to give up something better to get it.
Many years ago, my family attended a local baptist church and I got very involved in the children's ministry. When the children's pastor decided to leave and accept a position out of state, my name was immediately put up as a candidate for interim director. But at the time I was desperately trying to live in both worlds because my husband was not saved. I disclosed on my blog at the time about drinking alcohol on occassion. It was read by the wrong person and long story short, instead of doing the biblical thing and coming to talk to me about it, the information was forwarded to my pastor. You may or may not know that many churches but particularly baptist churches take a dim view of alcohol consumption and so I was asked to withdraw my name from consideration. I did but I was so hurt that my family and I left the church.
In hindsight, I realize that I did exercise some bad judgment about the entire situation--the drinking, writing about it publicly and my reaction. But what bothers me most now is how close I was to stepping up to do something God really needed me to do at the time--minister to children--and I ran from it. I was not willing to "take my lumps" and ultimately receive what He had for me. Instead, I let Satan have the victory. And it wouldn't be the last time. Shamefully, I admit, I probably still haven't experienced the last time. But God is patient.
Where humans have to grow and be trained in levels of patience, God does not.
God places us in situations that train us. I often fail at first but I think finally, maybe, I'm starting to see that and learn from it. Hey, us old dogs can learn new tricks, it just takes us a bit longer!
And because God is patient, we get to experience everything else God is! Wow! What truth there is in that statement.
As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 1:12-16, he (Paul) is a demonstration of the patience of God. No one had a greater sin resume than Paul. We all have our own sin resumes and what we need to do is stop looking at others' and look at our own. Alcohol may not be a good thing. Neither is stuffing your face at the church picnic! God looks on ALL sin the same. But that's a topic for another time. The point is, Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that:
- Christ came to save sinners (which we ALL are)
- While it's a miracle that we are born, it's a bigger miracle that we are born again!
- God will ALWAYS outmove the enemy. While the enemy may have had a very big hand in destroying my marriage, God has another move for me. And I can't wait to see what it is (He's already made some small moves that are better, but I know He has a few more "checks" before the "checkmate" which is when I will finally see Jesus Christ face to face!
- Christ changes us. First He justifies us (Ephesians 1:13) by saving us when we first accept Him as our savior and then He sanctifies us (2 Thess. 1:13) which is the process by which we become more and more like Him every day that we surrender to His will.
- Christ considers US and puts US in services. He uses us for His glory.
Don't let the enemy rob you of your destiny by causing you to downplay your current location! You may have made some mistakes. You may have run from where God tried to put you. I know I have! But guess what? He is way more stubborn than you or I! He will ultimately get His way. We get to choose whether we make it easy on ourselves or hard on ourselves but even if we choose the hard roads, God will still use those and bring us to our destination!
You haven't been cheated; you have been chosen. Maybe had I not made the mistakes I did, my life would have been different. Well, I'm quite certain it would have been. But it wouldn't necessarily have been better. There is nothing better than living for God, no matter how we come to do it.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Welcome to my new blog!
I am so glad you are here! If you are a close, personal friend and had access to my old blog it is still up for now but it'll be taken completely private very soon and will serve only as an archive/storage space and possibly a personal online diary that only I can see.
Also, please bear with me as I am still in the process of piecing this one together with graphics and photos but the goal here is testimony and glorifying the Lord!
You may think that sounds crazy coming from someone like me, especially if you know my past and many shortcomings. But God's Word says when we put our trust in Him and decide to follow Him we are a new creation! And I finally, truly feel like one!
The Lord has really been tugging at my heart for a LONG time over so many things--things that I can't wait to share with you--and I have been holding back with one foot stuck in this world. No more. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. Words to a favorite song of mine by Building 429 "We Won't Be Shaken". And indeed it is true. And I am SO excited about the amazing things God is going to bring my way in due time. He has already done SO MUCH for me, especially recently and in just a short amount of time. Every attempt I made (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not) to destroy my own life, God has in one way or another curtailed. He is TRULY wonderful! When He says once we are His, NOTHING can snatch us out of His hand, He means it! I am a living testimony of that very fact. Though I don't pretend to have all the answers, I know the One who does. Though He didn't do things the way I wanted at times, He was still there.
I hope you will go with me on this new journey of mine and it is my sincere prayer that through my experiences you will see the hand of God, know He is real and will want to know Him for yourself if you don't already and if you do, I pray that you will want to know Him better!
So many things I can't wait to share with you! I hope you will stay tuned!
Until then, be blessed!
Michelle
Also, please bear with me as I am still in the process of piecing this one together with graphics and photos but the goal here is testimony and glorifying the Lord!
You may think that sounds crazy coming from someone like me, especially if you know my past and many shortcomings. But God's Word says when we put our trust in Him and decide to follow Him we are a new creation! And I finally, truly feel like one!
The Lord has really been tugging at my heart for a LONG time over so many things--things that I can't wait to share with you--and I have been holding back with one foot stuck in this world. No more. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. Words to a favorite song of mine by Building 429 "We Won't Be Shaken". And indeed it is true. And I am SO excited about the amazing things God is going to bring my way in due time. He has already done SO MUCH for me, especially recently and in just a short amount of time. Every attempt I made (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not) to destroy my own life, God has in one way or another curtailed. He is TRULY wonderful! When He says once we are His, NOTHING can snatch us out of His hand, He means it! I am a living testimony of that very fact. Though I don't pretend to have all the answers, I know the One who does. Though He didn't do things the way I wanted at times, He was still there.
I hope you will go with me on this new journey of mine and it is my sincere prayer that through my experiences you will see the hand of God, know He is real and will want to know Him for yourself if you don't already and if you do, I pray that you will want to know Him better!
So many things I can't wait to share with you! I hope you will stay tuned!
Until then, be blessed!
Michelle
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