This year hasn't been one of my worst years but I won't call it one of my best either. I'll just call it weird. Except for the year I got married, 1989, generally speaking, every odd numbered year has been a bad one. To illustrate:
1992 - Dylan born 1996 - Kayti born 1998 - Brooke born 2002 - started the move to Clay & Disney World
1995 - Jeff started to suffer from Crohn's Disease 1997 - Jeff had first surgery for Crohn's, Maw Maw died (I did graduate from Birmingham-Southern this year and also traveled a lot--New York, Mexico, and Europe. But the other two things very much over shadowed any of the good. 1999 - bankruptcy 2005 - Jeff had another surgery for Crohn's 2011 - divorce 2013 - jail 2015 - cancer
See the pattern? Maybe I'm overthinking again. But it just feels that way.
2017 started with me in a relationship that started in October of the previous year. It never got really serious. We enjoyed each other's company but didn't have a whole lot in common. It ended amicably around March.
I continued to serve with Hope Dealers but I had to withdraw from Highlands Events Team for awhile.
I also started the year unemployed after being downsized in September 2016. I managed to keep my head above water until I finally found a job this past May. It was around that time that my ex and I--whom I'd always remained good friends with--had a falling out over child support and began to not speak to each other.
I got into fitness and nutrition over the summer, went on several dates and thought I had been reconnected to someone special, the one I thought would be the love of my life. We had a great few months together before it fell apart and I still don't understand it. But I've talked about that enough already. I did get some words from the Holy Spirit that I will put in my prayer journal later.
I also did my usual tailgating shenanigans, got to go on a few overnight trips, made some new friends, other friendships became even deeper and unfortunately I had to sever ties with a few friends. It wasn't personal. I just needed to cut any and all ties that had anything to do with a few different issues I needed to distance myself from.
I've mended the fence with my ex as we came together to watch out babygirl excel in college.
I finally finished my MBA.
And I'm spending the last night of the year with someone. I'm not rushing into anything (never again!) and I don't have any expectations. I'm nowhere NEAR ready for another relationship and there is too much going on right now in my life to have time to devote to just anybody. Had things turned out differently in my last relationship, I would've made time. That's what people who love each other do. But I'm not going to make time for anyone new right now. Just ringing in the new year hanging out and having fun.
The lessons I'll take away from this year:
Pray without ceasing and ALWAYS put the Lord first.
Try to be a better steward of my time AND my money.
Don't waste time on anyone that doesn't match my efforts.
Don't make someone else a priority when I am only an option.
Don't get attached too quickly just because someone talks a good game.
Don't tolerate bullshit--ever!
The positives I'll take away from this year:
I have been tremendously blessed--with provision, awesome family and great friends and I am thankful.
I AM capable of romantic love again. I previously had doubts that I would ever be able to again.
I ALWAYS bounce, no matter what gets thrown at me.
I can accomplish anything I decide to do.
I need to keep setting goals and striving to reach them--I thrive on this.
I treat people better than the way I get treated most of the time and this is something to be proud of.
I like to bless others and in doing so I am blessed in return beyond measure.
I raised three OUTSTANDING kids and I am very proud!
I am going into 2018 on a good note--with gratitude and love in my heart, peace in my spirit and most of all, forgiveness both for myself and others.
I'm getting ready for a BIG life change! It's exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because I generally thrive on change and this one is a positive one. Scary because all change comes with risk. Even though exciting, it's just going to be different.
I AM MOVING!!!!
Yes, in less than a month, I am leaving my sweet little townhouse behind--the first place I ever got and lived completely on my own. For SIX years this has been mine and my girls' home and sometimes Dylan's. We've even taken in a few people a time or two when they needed somewhere to stay! But in less than a month it will become part of our memories like our old home in the 'hood, our tiny little house in Clay, and our brief stays with friends in the 'hood and in Brookside.
I won't disclose the area I am moving to on here but it's a small, modest house that has been remodeled and it sits on THREE ACRES!!! No, I won't have that much grass to cut as it is mostly wooded. But it's completely private--no neighbors which means the freedom and space to truly live. Kaytibug is coming with me and she is excited, too.
I hadn't really planned on moving (well, actually I had but circumstances were different and all that changed in the blink of an eye and doesn't matter anymore anyway) anytime soon. I like it where I am. I've never had any trouble (except for one incident with the neighbor's 17 yo son and they don't live here anymore), it's convenient to the interstate, shopping, restaurants and surprisingly quiet to be a townhouse community. I also became close friends with my 70 yo neighbor and I am sad to be moving away from her. She has become my confidant, has helped me out in times of need and she is a lot of fun! I will miss her terribly.
But the deal I got on this house is one I just could not pass up. It's good, positive change for me and gives me something to occupy my mind and busy my hands. The actual packing and moving makes me a little anxious. But as I was packing up the Christmas decorations last night and this morning (all NINE big bins of it!) and thinking about how much work packing is going to be I realized I have been truly blessed in these last six years.
Despite job changes, a layoff that lasted 9 months and cancer, I've managed to maintain my household. It was stressful at times but God saw me through. When the ex and I divorced, I took nothing but my own clothes, the girls' bunkbeds, my glider rocker and my curio cabinet. I moved in with a friend for several months until I got this place. Over time, I managed to redecorate it, furnish it, and fill it with lots of love and memories. Almost everything in here that I have to worry with packing and moving, I've gotten on my own through the grace of God and a lot of hard work. I am proud and I am thankful. It's going to fit in my new house nicely. :)
I also finished my MBA!!!! It took a year longer than I thought it would have because of taking time off to recover from cancer and treatment but I did it! I didn't participate in commencement. I did that in college. They will be mailing my diploma in a few weeks. I expect it to help propel me forward in my career either at a new job or at my current job which is going great.
I love my boss, what I do and the people I work with. The job challenges me without being too stressful or demanding that I can't enjoy other parts of my life. It's a great company to work for and there is so much to learn and build on.
Church will soon be starting the 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting and I am looking forward to how God is going to use that time for me and many others. There is so much I am praying for, not just for myself but for so many that need healing, provision, restoration and discernment. I have some other big decisions to make that I need to bathe in prayer first. I'll reveal those things when the time is right.
The BFF and I are going to go back to our hardcore low-carb, no sugar diet and I am getting my butt back to the gym in more ways than one--I need the endorphins! I signed up for kickboxing and am really looking forward to it! I am also either going to return to DanceFit or try another new dance class--I haven't decided that one yet.
There are other changes coming--new hair style, new car, etc. In the meantime, I've been reading a lot, writing (working on something big!) and listening to some great music.
Here are some from my playlist that I highly recommend:
"Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place..."
"If your eyes are on the storm, you wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross, you know I always have and I always will."
I'm never gonna look back
Woah, never gonna give it up"
You just can't listen to this song and NOT be in a good mood!
And you know I have all kinds of Bruno Mars on my list! To see him perform live is near the top of my bucket list! I love him! This is his latest...
Favorite quotes of the week:
Always!
Roar!
I am better, always will be. And I will rise higher.
Okay, yes, she's been a legal adult now for 1 1/2 years. She amazes me. She takes a full load of classes maintaining good grades, is active in her sorority, SGA senator, on the dance team and also works almost as many hours as I do. She's also drop-dead gorgeous! Both of my girls are.
But babygirl decided she no longer wanted to live on campus at college for several reasons. However, in the college town she's in, there aren't as many housing options as there are in other cities. So it was a real challenge to find something in her budget that wasn't a complete dump. I didn't have to do anything. She did it all.
She looked at several places. She found one she liked--fully furnished and most utilities are included in rent. She found a roommate. She determined if she could afford it or not (she can. She actually makes enough money at her job to handle her bills plus she'll get a refund from school for housing this semester to fall back on), obtained the application, filled out the application, coordinated everything all by herself and today, she moved in!
I know adults MY AGE that do not have enough sense to do this and the other kids her age--some can't even make their own doctor's appointments or pump gas!
I tell her over and over--this is adulting! This is why we get to buy alcohol! (well, she can in a few more years).
But I am SO proud of her for not only having intelligence and drive but having common sense!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life--even when raising these kids. But by the grace of God, I must of have done a few things right because just look at them! All three are absolutely the best people I know.
Way to go, babygirl! Sad to see you all grown up and not needing your mom. But that means I did my job. I'm SO proud of you!!!!
Basically just venting...and this will be the LAST post about my idiot ex-bf and anything to do with him.
Yesterday it was confirmed--he's back with his ex-wife. A friend of mine, unbeknownst to me, contacted him and gave him an earful. He took all the blame saying he was too immature for a relationship and made a lot of mistakes with me and he knows he blew it but he truly didn't start seeing his ex until last week, after we broke up. Bull!
Everything was FINE until she got in his head. That's when he started pulling crap to make me go away. I wished I'd listed to my mom and dropped him like a hot rock when all this started instead of thinking we had a chance. Now too much has been said and done for ANYTHING to ever be the same no matter what and I'm crazy for even wanting it to be just a little bit.
I know I'm better than he is. I'm better than she is. I deserve better. He's not the one. I keep going over and over this in my head. My head gets it. But I still have so much hurt inside. I want to stop thinking about it but I can't.
It was only a two month relationship (even though we've known each other our whole lives) so WHY is this hurting so much. It started it's demise over a month ago. I should be able to get past it by now. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to do so.
I know I have to let go and move on and that's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm moving at the end of next month. Then getting a new car. I'm working on a makeover. I'm writing more, reading more--doing all I can to keep myself busy. I was completely happy with my life before he popped in. I want to go back to that person.
I also want him to SEE me happy and moving on and what a huge mistake he's made but I know he's not watching me. My bff said he already knows that in his heart and everything will blow up in his face soon and then he'll see.
And I want to hurt him! I go back and forth between hating his sorry guts to wishing we could turn back the clock and do things differently to missing him something awful. I keep trying to remind myself that I don't miss HIM. I just miss who he pretended to be. And it wasn't REAL. When it's REAL, two people work through issues together, they don't ghost.
I'm going out of my mind at times and none of the counseling offices are open until after the New Year (which I think is absurd given this is the time of year most people need a psychiatrist, etc.)
I'm tired of crying every day. Several times a day. I'm not the type of woman that lets a man get to her like this. I hate this.
I wanted answers. I wanted the truth. That's exactly what I got.
Christmas Eve, of all days, a friend sent me a picture of the ex-bf cuddled up on the sofa with his ex-wife--you know the "cheating, alcoholic whore" (his words, not mine) that he wouldn't take back in a million years? Yes, her.
I said it before and I'll say it again--I do not care that he wanted to get back with her. I believe that God is a God of restoration and if a family can be restored, that is what needs to happen. What I am upset about is that I wasn't worth the truth. And I happen to know others knew as well. Maybe they didn't think it was their business to get involved. But when you KNOW someone is doing something wrong that will hurt another person and you DON'T step up, I'm sorry, you're just as guilty.
So of course, I went batcrap crazy. I cussed him out, her out, his brother out, his best friend out and probably a few other people and made a really terrible post on Facebook. I don't really remember. For many of the things I am deeply ashamed and deeply regret that I did that.
And I'm not making excuses but two of my close friends told me, "we have all reacted that way before" and "No one has a right to tell you how to tell and what you can post or not post. Maybe it was harsh (it was) when someone is hurt and heartbroken of course emotions are gonna run high."
Of course his defense was the usual bullshit--
"You can say and feel how you want and deservedly so. I wasn't ready to fall in love with you but I did. I'm sorry it didn't work out and I'm more sorry for not knowing how or what to say. Yes you were very good to me and I'm thankful for all of it. Nothing happened between me and (ex-wife). I have moved back to (old town) like I told you I was going to do. So as of this week we thought it would be nice to spend the holidays as a family. After (son) gets back in a couple of weeks for good I will most likely be moving to (another city) to work there for (company he works for) after I get him established. So that's the truth. I should've said that earlier. That's my fault. So you can say all you want I probably deserve it. And I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I caused you I promise it wasn't done on purpose."
Didn't mean to fall in love you with but I did. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
The only reason it didn't work out is because when your ex started all her drama you decided you were "confused" and "overwhelmed" and then tried to turn it around on me like it was somehow MY fault because I suffer from anxiety.
Nothing happened between me and (ex-wife).I have moved back to (old town) like I told you I was going to do. So as of this week we thought it would be nice to spend the holidays as a family.
I need a new pair of boots for this bullshit! After (son) gets back in a couple of weeks for good I will most likely be moving to (another city) to work there for (company he works for) after I get him established. Yeah, you mentioned that already. That had NOTHING to do with anything. And I don't believe it now anyway. I believe it's just a way to get me to stop looking for him. No worries, jerk. Not happening. In fact *I* will be moving myself in a month so good like finding me (not saying you were trying. Just saying.)
So that's the truth. I should've said that earlier. That's my fault. So you can say all you want I probably deserve it. And I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I caused you I promise it wasn't done on purpose.
You wouldn't know the truth if it hit you upside your skinny head with a 2 x 4. And yes, it's definitely YOUR fault. All you had to do was have the BALLS to have the "uncomfortable breakup conversation"
a month ago. Say, "I need to put my family back together or at least try." Instead of being the cowardly person that you turned out to be. Sure, it would still have hurt. But how he handled this is beyond cruel. And as much as I want to hurt him back right now, I know that I have to let God handle it and I know He will. He will get exactly what he deserves. And yes, that still makes me a little sad.
I was also told that "everyone warned him not to get involved with me". Oh really? Who is "everyone"? People we went to high school with THIRTY YEARS AGO that don't even know me? No, I am the one that should have been warned about HIM. It's funny how little high school cliques survive for decades. Listen up, most of y'all peaked in high school.
It's frightening that people think we are all still the same. He was always the "nice guy". Well, this is evidence he's not so nice. I get called out for being honest and transparent. At least I'm no poser. I own my shit. You all should try it sometime.
I belong to an anonymous message board about dating/relationships. I have shared my story with them and they have all been wonderfully supportive--better than some of my own "friends". When I told them about my blowup and bad judgement with social media, I got this response from one person who absolutely hit the nail on the head:
In summary: -You knew each other as kids, but you both married other people and had kids. He's been divorced for 9 years and constantly slammed his ex-wife. -You got together, and had the most blissful 2 months on the planet. He couldn't believe his luck in finding you, and he confessed that he always had a torch for you! OMG, what heaven! -And he constantly pushed for future talks! Let's look at how and when to move in together, be out in public on Facebook, plan for our life together! What bliss. -And then, his ex-wife gets wind of his new relationship on Facebook, and suddenly, the cheating biatch from h*ll (his descriptions!) wants him back. -He's suddenly harder to reach. Takes longer to respond to texts. Gets a little miffed when one of your friends makes a "marriage" comment on one of your posts. -Then, just as suddenly as he blew in, he blows out. But not before blaming you for your anxiety! Has the nerve to blame your anxiety on the fall of the relationship, as your anxiety just can't seem to handle his constant changes in plans, which of course, are all due to his job (B.S.). (deflection)
Horse hockey.
No wonder you got so pissed off when you realized they did get back together. I don't blame you one bit. This guy Lovebombed you, then discarded you as quickly as he could once he realized he had a new person who wanted him.
This follows such a textbook pattern: Idealize, Future Fake, Devalue (using your "anxiety" as his excuse and his way to devalue you), Replace (his ex!), Discard. You can IM me if you want more info on all of this.
As for your drunk SM posting: fuggedabout it. If anyone asks, say you were reeling from exactly what you were reeling from: your "perfect" new guy went back to his ex, right at the holidays. Sprinkle in 1 cup of eggnog, and you have yourself a trashing post. You had the foresight to delete it, now just move on from it.
I agree with Wiseman on getting help, in the form of therapy, to help you recognize your patterns with men and come up with strategies to find a healthier partner. This isn't about anything wrong with you, but in how you're going about handling your emotions and your feelings towards men. Guess what....I'm going through it myself, currently. You are not alone.
When I broke up with my exBF a few months ago after one more lie, I was sooooooo tempted to write a long, scathing, trashing Facebook post! I even wrote it!! But I wrote in in a word doc., and I amended it and saved it! But I kept sleeping on it until the actual urge to post it was gone. Heck, if I'm being honest, I still have the urge sometimes!
It's human.....but we do have to remember that posting something like that rarely hurts the other person, but it always hurts us.
I didn't realize he was a TEXTBOOK case! Definitely one for the school of Psychology!
As for the hurtful things I said to others, I regret doing that but nothing I said was untrue. What I regret is that I let them all get the better of me and cause me to sink to their level. This entire relationship was a complete waste of time and did more damage to me mentally and emotionally than my divorce from my 21 year marriage AND my subsequent experience with a boyfriend and domestic violence.
Besides allowing it to move too quickly, I allowed it to turn me into a person I AM NOT. I am not weak, clingy, or needy. Yes, I have anxiety about some things and he knew that and used it against me. I am also better than the awful language I used the other night.
And truth be told, I am exactly like the ex-wife which is why I reached out to her in the beginning and tried to be her friend. (boy did that ever bite me in the ass!) I knew exactly the mistakes she made and how she felt about them because I did the exact same things. I honestly don't blame her for her actions. I blame him for not having the guts to step up and set boundaries--either for her or for me.
If his family was after him to "keep things the same for holidays" but he actually loved me like he said, he should have had the balls to tell them all, I'm sorry things are different now.
If he really wanted to spend the holidays with his family one more time, he should have had the balls to tell me that instead of stringing me along for a month and making ME be the one to walk away.
Either way, I think we've firmly established that he has NO BALLS. Do I want a man like that in my life? Absolutely not. And even though it does sting, I am glad I found out the truth about him before I wasted anymore time.
Next time, I will be VERY cautious with my relationships, regardless of how "good" of a person everyone says they are or how I thought them to be.
It's a hymn. It's a motto for drunks and drug addicts. Now it's mine, too. And it's hard because I've always been such a planner!
I do still have plans for the near future. I'm getting a radical new haircut next week (sshh!) and something MAJOR will be happening at the end of January. Stay tuned!
But I'll admit I'm still struggling over my breakup. I don't think I have ever hurt so much because I don't think I ever loved so deeply. I know it sounds crazy being that it was only a 2 month relationship but it's the truth.
It's been 20 days since I last saw him in person and 17 since we spoke. One week since *I* had to be the one to send the breakup text because he didn't have the balls to do it. That makes me angry at him. I mean, man the f*** up!
Looking back, I believe the last time I saw him, he did want to break it off. But something made him chicken out. Maybe he couldn't handle the guilt of what he was trying to do or feel bad about it. Maybe he didn't want to be convinced to stay in it so he ghosted. Or maybe he didn't want to witness what he was doing. I would rather have just heard the bitter truth instead of him giving me false hope and stringing me along for 3 more days.
He was right about one thing--I deserve better. I deserve answers. I deserve the truth. But here's the thing--I wanted him. I loved him. I would have moved mountains for him and no other woman has ever loved him more or ever will love him more. Yet I get tossed aside and I don't even get a reason other than "I'm overwhelmed right now" bullshit.
Everyone says to just let God/Karma handle it because He/it will. But you know what? I love him so much that seeing him get what he actually deserves breaks my heart all over again. I guess that's when you know you really love someone deeply--you can't hate them for breaking your heart. I want to. But I don't have it in my spirit.
There is still SO MUCH I want to say to him. But I can't anymore. There's so much I want him to know. But he probably never will.
Make no mistake about it--I'm moving on. It may be awhile before I don't cry or get mad every day. And I am working on myself during this "transitional" period. I'm getting counseling for my anxiety along with new medicine. I'm trying new things and focusing more of my attention on myself. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. It's always been about the kids or work or school. I was so looking forward to being able to take care of a good man and treat him well like he deserves to be treated. But...
During my quiet time with the Lord this morning, I did get one revelation:
He (the bf) told me he wanted to change things about himself. He wanted to learn to prioritize and manage things better. He wanted to get his life better organized. He asked for my help. But he didn't like the advice I gave him--setting boundaries. He wasn't ready to make that change. I don't know if that's what sparked everything or if it was something else. But I do understand how difficult it is to step out of your comfort zone because for awhile now, I feel like God has been asking me to do the same but I've resisted.
I am starting to believe that God wants to take me places that the bf can't go. I'm not sure what these "places" are yet. But I do know that I have been resisting the call to do good things because I wanted to settle down with someone. I guess I can't expect someone else to step out of their comfort zone if I'm not willing to do the same.
So I am asking for prayers. I really appreciate everyone's prayers over this last month. Even though it's been hard, I have felt them. Not only do I ask for continued prayers that I can just accept what's happened and make peace with it so that I can return to my normal, happy, outgoing self. But I also ask that you pray for God's discernment and direction. Show me, Lord, what You want/need me to do. And may He be glorified through everything always.
So after complaining that it's irritating for years, guess what I did?
I finally got on SnapChat! LOL
I'm finding it difficult to navigate but I was the same way with Facebook to begin with. I'll figure it out. I still think all the animal pictures and distorted faces are ridiculous. But I find it's helping wean me off the other social media and I have fewer contacts on it so I can keep things private while I'm in my little cocoon of metamorphosis.
I promise I will be a better blogger. I promise I will be a better blogger. I promise I will be a better blogger!
And maybe now that I'm complete off Facebook for awhile, I will be. Day 5 and counting...we'll see.
But I was NOT done with grad school. For financial reasons, I decided to take two more classes. I thought both would be interesting and beneficial. I was wrong. But I passed both ans so NOW I am done with grad school. MBA 2017!
What I will do with this, I don't know. I am liking my job and the people I work with. But I will not be able to hang here long for this salary. I've worked too hard to settle for this.
I started dating someone seriously. Our first date was September 1. He was a childhood friend that I reconnected with on Facebook. After some back and forth flirtation, he finally asked me out. The date went well and we decided to go tailgate together at the Bama game the next week. That went VERY well and before long we were "in a relationship"--Facebook official and everything.
Most of our mutual friends were all for it. His family seemed to like me. We met each others' kids and that seemed to go well. We both jumped in with both feet and didn't listen to those who told us to slow down because we'd known each other for 40 years! It didn't feel like too fast for us. We were absolutely perfect together or so I thought.
Then his ex wife--who he had been divorced from for NINE YEARS because she cheated on him multiple times and ultimately left him for someone else--decided she wanted him back and created a lot of drama one Saturday night in November. The following week, things fell completely apart.
He swears it has nothing to do with her but he just began to feel overwhelmed by his job and his (GROWN) kids but everything was fine with those things before. It's just all too coincidental for me. Maybe he isn't going back to her (he would be the biggest, dumbest person ever if he did) and maybe she just got in his head. Nonetheless, it ended.
I NEVER expected this from HIM. I've dated lots of losers since being divorced and none of them surprised me. I thought I'd finally found a decent guy--one that I never expected to be attracted to in the first place--and that he was the One. I was completely blindsided and devastated.
It still hurts. But I'm moving on with my life. He didn't have the balls to officially end it. I don't know if he was trying to leave things open for him to be able to come back or if he is just a complete wuss (never would have thought that either). But it's over as far as I'm concerned. I sent him the "it's over" text today and I won't be contacting him again. Maybe he can get his head together and on down the road, who knows. I think what hurts the most is that I not only lost my boyfriend that I was deeply in love with but also a treasured childhood friend. My memory of him is completely destroyed and I don't know how to handle that. I don't want to be the only one in our group to know what an asshole he can be when everyone else thinks he's awesome. And he is. Or was.
I am praying for him. Even through my hurt, I DO love him. I know it wasn't a very long-lasting dating relationship but a part of me will always love him just because he was part of my childhood. I do want God's best for him, too.
And as always, I have to trust that God will turn it into something great. What that looks like right now, I don't know. But I'll be moving to a new place soon. Brooke has found a new place, we are just waiting to hear about it to confirm. And I am concentrating on all the things I have put on hold during grad school--places to go, people to see, things to learn. Just trying to prepare for my life's next big adventure!
