Feeling so stupid and angry at myself

Basically just venting...and this will be the LAST post about my idiot ex-bf and anything to do with him.

Yesterday it was confirmed--he's back with his ex-wife. A friend of mine, unbeknownst to me, contacted him and gave him an earful. He took all the blame saying he was too immature for a relationship and made a lot of mistakes with me and he knows he blew it but he truly didn't start seeing his ex until last week, after we broke up. Bull!

Everything was FINE until she got in his head. That's when he started pulling crap to make me go away. I wished I'd listed to my mom and dropped him like a hot rock when all this started instead of thinking we had a chance. Now too much has been said and done for ANYTHING to ever be the same no matter what and I'm crazy for even wanting it to be just a little bit.

I know I'm better than he is. I'm better than she is. I deserve better. He's not the one. I keep going over and over this in my head. My head gets it. But I still have so much hurt inside. I want to stop thinking about it but I can't.

It was only a two month relationship (even though we've known each other our whole lives) so WHY is this hurting so much. It started it's demise over a month ago. I should be able to get past it by now. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to do so.

I know I have to let go and move on and that's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm moving at the end of next month. Then getting a new car. I'm working on a makeover. I'm writing more, reading more--doing all I can to keep myself busy. I was completely happy with my life before he popped in. I want to go back to that person.

I also want him to SEE me happy and moving on and what a huge mistake he's made but I know he's not watching me. My bff said he already knows that in his heart and everything will blow up in his face soon and then he'll see.

And I want to hurt him! I go back and forth between hating his sorry guts to wishing we could turn back the clock and do things differently to missing him something awful. I keep trying to remind myself that I don't miss HIM. I just miss who he pretended to be. And it wasn't REAL. When it's REAL, two people work through issues together, they don't ghost.

I'm going out of my mind at times and none of the counseling offices are open until after the New Year (which I think is absurd given this is the time of year most people need a psychiatrist, etc.)

I'm tired of crying every day. Several times a day. I'm not the type of woman that lets a man get to her like this. I hate this.