One day at a time..

It's a hymn. It's a motto for drunks and drug addicts. Now it's mine, too. And it's hard because I've always been such a planner!

I do still have plans for the near future. I'm getting a radical new haircut next week (sshh!) and something MAJOR will be happening at the end of January. Stay tuned!

But I'll admit I'm still struggling over my breakup. I don't think I have ever hurt so much because I don't think I ever loved so deeply. I know it sounds crazy being that it was only a 2 month relationship but it's the truth.

It's been 20 days since I last saw him in person and 17 since we spoke. One week since *I* had to be the one to send the breakup text because he didn't have the balls to do it. That makes me angry at him. I mean, man the f*** up!

Looking back, I believe the last time I saw him, he did want to break it off. But something made him chicken out. Maybe he couldn't handle the guilt of what he was trying to do or feel bad about it. Maybe he didn't want to be convinced to stay in it so he ghosted. Or maybe he didn't want to witness what he was doing.   I would rather have just heard the bitter truth instead of him giving me false hope and stringing me along for 3 more days.

He was right about one thing--I deserve better. I deserve answers. I deserve the truth. But here's the thing--I wanted him. I loved him. I would have moved mountains for him and no other woman has ever loved him more or ever will love him more. Yet I get tossed aside and I don't even get a reason other than "I'm overwhelmed right now" bullshit.

Everyone says to just let God/Karma handle it because He/it will. But you know what? I love him so much that seeing him get what he actually deserves breaks my heart all over again. I guess that's when you know you really love someone deeply--you can't hate them for breaking your heart. I want to. But I don't have it in my spirit.

There is still SO MUCH I want to say to him. But I can't anymore. There's so much I want him to know. But he probably never will.

Make no mistake about it--I'm moving on. It may be awhile before I don't cry or get mad every day. And I am working on myself during this "transitional" period. I'm getting counseling for my anxiety along with new medicine. I'm trying new things and focusing more of my attention on myself. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. It's always been about the kids or work or school. I was so looking forward to being able to take care of a good man and treat him well like he deserves to be treated. But...

During my quiet time with the Lord this morning, I did get one revelation:

He  (the bf) told me he wanted to change things about himself. He wanted to learn to prioritize and manage things better. He wanted to get his life better organized. He asked for my help. But he didn't like the advice I gave him--setting boundaries. He wasn't ready to make that change. I don't know if that's what sparked everything or if it was something else. But I do understand how difficult it is to step out of your comfort zone because for awhile now, I feel like God has been asking me to do the same but I've resisted.

I am starting to believe that God wants to take me places that the bf can't go. I'm not sure what these "places" are yet. But I do know that I have been resisting the call to do good things because I wanted to settle down with someone. I guess I can't expect someone else to step out of their comfort zone if I'm not willing to do the same.

So I am asking for prayers. I really appreciate everyone's prayers over this last month. Even though it's been hard, I have felt them. Not only do I ask for continued prayers that I can just accept what's happened and make peace with it so that I can return to my normal, happy, outgoing self. But I also ask that you pray for God's discernment and direction. Show me, Lord, what You want/need me to do. And may He be glorified through everything always.

Much love,