Staying positive and looking forward...

I'm getting ready for a BIG life change! It's exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because I generally thrive on change and this one is a positive one. Scary because all change comes with risk. Even though exciting, it's just going to be different.

I AM MOVING!!!!

Yes, in less than a month, I am leaving my sweet little townhouse behind--the first place I ever got and lived completely on my own. For SIX years this has been mine and my girls' home and sometimes Dylan's. We've even taken in a few people a time or two when they needed somewhere to stay!  But in less than a month it will become part of our memories like our old home in the 'hood, our tiny little house in Clay, and our brief stays with friends in the 'hood and in Brookside.

I won't disclose the area I am moving to on here but it's a small, modest house that has been remodeled and it sits on THREE ACRES!!! No, I won't have that much grass to cut as it is mostly wooded. But it's completely private--no neighbors which means the freedom and space to truly live. Kaytibug is coming with me and she is excited, too.

I hadn't really planned on moving (well, actually I had but circumstances were different and all that changed in the blink of an eye and doesn't matter anymore anyway) anytime soon. I like it where I am. I've never had any trouble (except for one incident with the neighbor's 17 yo son and they don't live here anymore), it's convenient to the interstate, shopping, restaurants and surprisingly quiet to be a townhouse community. I also became close friends with my 70 yo neighbor and I am sad to be moving away from her. She has become my confidant, has helped me out in times of need and she is a lot of fun!  I will miss her terribly. 

But the deal I got on this house is one I just could not pass up. It's good, positive change for me and gives me something to occupy my mind and busy my hands. The actual packing and moving makes me a little anxious. But as I was packing up the Christmas decorations last night and this morning (all NINE big bins of it!) and thinking about how much work packing is going to be I realized I have been truly blessed in these last six years.

Despite job changes, a layoff that lasted 9 months and cancer, I've managed to maintain my household. It was stressful at times but God saw me through. When the ex and I divorced, I took nothing but my own clothes, the girls' bunkbeds, my glider rocker and my curio cabinet. I moved in with a friend for several months until I got this place. Over time, I managed to redecorate it, furnish it, and fill it with lots of love and memories. Almost everything in here that I have to worry with packing and moving, I've gotten on my own through the grace of God and a lot of hard work. I am proud and I am thankful. It's going to fit in my new house nicely. :)

I also finished my MBA!!!! It took a year longer than I thought it would have because of taking time off to recover from cancer and treatment but I did it! I didn't participate in commencement. I did that in college. They will be mailing my diploma in a few weeks. I expect it to help propel me forward in my career either at a new job or at my current job which is going great. 

I love my boss, what I do and the people I work with. The job challenges me without being too stressful or demanding that I can't enjoy other parts of my life. It's a great company to work for and there is so much to learn and build on.

Church will soon be starting the 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting and I am looking forward to how God is going to use that time for me and many others. There is so much I am praying for, not just for myself but for so many that need healing, provision, restoration and discernment. I have some other big decisions to make that I need to bathe in prayer first. I'll reveal those things when the time is right.

The BFF and I are going to go back to our hardcore low-carb, no sugar diet and I am getting my butt back to the gym in more ways than one--I need the endorphins! I signed up for kickboxing and am really looking forward to it! I am also either going to return to DanceFit or try another new dance class--I haven't decided that one yet. 

There are other changes coming--new hair style, new car, etc. In the meantime, I've been reading a lot, writing (working on something big!) and listening to some great music. 

Here are some from my playlist that I highly recommend:

"Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place..."

"If your eyes are on the storm, you wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross, you know I always have and I always will."

I'm never gonna look back

Woah, never gonna give it up"

You just can't listen to this song and NOT be in a good mood!

And you know I have all kinds of Bruno Mars on my list! To see him perform live is near the top of my bucket list! I love him! This is his latest...

Favorite quotes of the week:

Always!

Roar!

I am better, always will be. And I will rise higher.

Blessings!

One day at a time..

It's a hymn. It's a motto for drunks and drug addicts. Now it's mine, too. And it's hard because I've always been such a planner!

I do still have plans for the near future. I'm getting a radical new haircut next week (sshh!) and something MAJOR will be happening at the end of January. Stay tuned!

But I'll admit I'm still struggling over my breakup. I don't think I have ever hurt so much because I don't think I ever loved so deeply. I know it sounds crazy being that it was only a 2 month relationship but it's the truth.

It's been 20 days since I last saw him in person and 17 since we spoke. One week since *I* had to be the one to send the breakup text because he didn't have the balls to do it. That makes me angry at him. I mean, man the f*** up!

Looking back, I believe the last time I saw him, he did want to break it off. But something made him chicken out. Maybe he couldn't handle the guilt of what he was trying to do or feel bad about it. Maybe he didn't want to be convinced to stay in it so he ghosted. Or maybe he didn't want to witness what he was doing.   I would rather have just heard the bitter truth instead of him giving me false hope and stringing me along for 3 more days.

He was right about one thing--I deserve better. I deserve answers. I deserve the truth. But here's the thing--I wanted him. I loved him. I would have moved mountains for him and no other woman has ever loved him more or ever will love him more. Yet I get tossed aside and I don't even get a reason other than "I'm overwhelmed right now" bullshit.

Everyone says to just let God/Karma handle it because He/it will. But you know what? I love him so much that seeing him get what he actually deserves breaks my heart all over again. I guess that's when you know you really love someone deeply--you can't hate them for breaking your heart. I want to. But I don't have it in my spirit.

There is still SO MUCH I want to say to him. But I can't anymore. There's so much I want him to know. But he probably never will.

Make no mistake about it--I'm moving on. It may be awhile before I don't cry or get mad every day. And I am working on myself during this "transitional" period. I'm getting counseling for my anxiety along with new medicine. I'm trying new things and focusing more of my attention on myself. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. It's always been about the kids or work or school. I was so looking forward to being able to take care of a good man and treat him well like he deserves to be treated. But...

During my quiet time with the Lord this morning, I did get one revelation:

He  (the bf) told me he wanted to change things about himself. He wanted to learn to prioritize and manage things better. He wanted to get his life better organized. He asked for my help. But he didn't like the advice I gave him--setting boundaries. He wasn't ready to make that change. I don't know if that's what sparked everything or if it was something else. But I do understand how difficult it is to step out of your comfort zone because for awhile now, I feel like God has been asking me to do the same but I've resisted.

I am starting to believe that God wants to take me places that the bf can't go. I'm not sure what these "places" are yet. But I do know that I have been resisting the call to do good things because I wanted to settle down with someone. I guess I can't expect someone else to step out of their comfort zone if I'm not willing to do the same.

So I am asking for prayers. I really appreciate everyone's prayers over this last month. Even though it's been hard, I have felt them. Not only do I ask for continued prayers that I can just accept what's happened and make peace with it so that I can return to my normal, happy, outgoing self. But I also ask that you pray for God's discernment and direction. Show me, Lord, what You want/need me to do. And may He be glorified through everything always.

Much love,