Most everybody makes them. Hardly no one keeps them.
I did a little research and found that the top five resolutions are usually:
Lose weight
Exercise
Stop smoking
Stop drinking
Get a new job
Well, I lost a significant amount of weight this past year and I could stand to lose more but losing weight and exercising for me is not about itself or the way I look. It's about being healthy and putting my body in the best possible condition to fight off any future diseases because I am in NO HURRY to go through more cancer treatment or anything else.
I don't smoke and I don't drink to excess on a regular basis. I do overdo it sometimes but not all the time. It's not a big enough problem to be a "resolution".
And I already love my job!
I can always set a goal to move closer to the Lord but that should be everyone's goal all the time. As long as we are still on this earth, we have room to get closer to Him.
But I love the idea of picking an area of one's life to make significant improvements. I love New Year's. It's like the girl in the movie Forest Gump said, "Don't you just love New Year's? Everybody gets another chance."
That's exactly right. A clean slate. A "do-over" to make things right that you screwed up on in the previous year (or years).
In the past few weeks, I've greatly reduced my time on social media and spent time in the Word partly because I greatly needed some clarity on certain areas of my life and also because we are about to go into the 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting and I wanted to sort of "ready myself" for the experience. I love that time. Sometimes it can get a little boring. But that's when I know my spirit really needs the "quiet".
Two things that the Lord brought to the forefront of my mind that I need to improve on (and that will greatly help my anxiety) is
overthinking things
allowing myself to be led by my emotions
Now I know not everyone overthinks things like I do. It's become a habit from years of having to be so organized and in charge because of having too many things to juggle. I feel like I have to have things figured out before they even start, mostly because I don't want to waste any unnecessary time. To prove a point, a few months ago, I got VERY comfortable in a situation and allowed myself to stop overthinking because I felt so secure and then the rug was unexpectedly pulled out from underneath me.
I think I have set up this coping mechanism in my head as a way to protect myself from emotional (and other) disasters like that.
But I know it's not healthy. None of us can know or adequately protect ourselves from all things related to the future. And worrying about the things we can't control or what someone else might do or think is a waste of the present. I have to learn to just take things as they come.
I think everyone has a tendency to let their emotions lead them. In fact, I KNOW we all do because we act and fail to act on the way we "feel". That's why people have affairs--they are no longer "in love" with their significant other. Murders and other crimes are often committed of a anger or jealousy because we let our hearts overrule our brains.
We know in our heads what is right--most of us have been taught it. But we still tend to "go with our gut" or "follow our hearts".
The Bible specifically addresses this in several places but two verses that come immediatley to mind are:
Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.
~~Proverbs 4:23 NIV
The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it?
~~Jeremiah 17:9 ESV
This tells us NOT to follow our hearts but to guard them. I need to start thinking of my heart like a little child and let my brain be the parent that knows what's best even if it may not be enjoyable.
I have definitely been led by my emotions a lot in my past. I fell in love too easily--many times. I let anger and frustration dictate my actions even though I knew they were wrong. Sometimes we all feel out of control. People push our buttons and then are surprised when we come unglued. It's understandable. But we all have to learn to take control of our emotions and not let them control situations, especially if we know we're going to pay a very high price for doing so--and we almost always do.
I'll definitely be working on these things this year.
Basically just venting...and this will be the LAST post about my idiot ex-bf and anything to do with him.
Yesterday it was confirmed--he's back with his ex-wife. A friend of mine, unbeknownst to me, contacted him and gave him an earful. He took all the blame saying he was too immature for a relationship and made a lot of mistakes with me and he knows he blew it but he truly didn't start seeing his ex until last week, after we broke up. Bull!
Everything was FINE until she got in his head. That's when he started pulling crap to make me go away. I wished I'd listed to my mom and dropped him like a hot rock when all this started instead of thinking we had a chance. Now too much has been said and done for ANYTHING to ever be the same no matter what and I'm crazy for even wanting it to be just a little bit.
I know I'm better than he is. I'm better than she is. I deserve better. He's not the one. I keep going over and over this in my head. My head gets it. But I still have so much hurt inside. I want to stop thinking about it but I can't.
It was only a two month relationship (even though we've known each other our whole lives) so WHY is this hurting so much. It started it's demise over a month ago. I should be able to get past it by now. And I hate myself for not being strong enough to do so.
I know I have to let go and move on and that's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm moving at the end of next month. Then getting a new car. I'm working on a makeover. I'm writing more, reading more--doing all I can to keep myself busy. I was completely happy with my life before he popped in. I want to go back to that person.
I also want him to SEE me happy and moving on and what a huge mistake he's made but I know he's not watching me. My bff said he already knows that in his heart and everything will blow up in his face soon and then he'll see.
And I want to hurt him! I go back and forth between hating his sorry guts to wishing we could turn back the clock and do things differently to missing him something awful. I keep trying to remind myself that I don't miss HIM. I just miss who he pretended to be. And it wasn't REAL. When it's REAL, two people work through issues together, they don't ghost.
I'm going out of my mind at times and none of the counseling offices are open until after the New Year (which I think is absurd given this is the time of year most people need a psychiatrist, etc.)
I'm tired of crying every day. Several times a day. I'm not the type of woman that lets a man get to her like this. I hate this.
I wanted answers. I wanted the truth. That's exactly what I got.
Christmas Eve, of all days, a friend sent me a picture of the ex-bf cuddled up on the sofa with his ex-wife--you know the "cheating, alcoholic whore" (his words, not mine) that he wouldn't take back in a million years? Yes, her.
I said it before and I'll say it again--I do not care that he wanted to get back with her. I believe that God is a God of restoration and if a family can be restored, that is what needs to happen. What I am upset about is that I wasn't worth the truth. And I happen to know others knew as well. Maybe they didn't think it was their business to get involved. But when you KNOW someone is doing something wrong that will hurt another person and you DON'T step up, I'm sorry, you're just as guilty.
So of course, I went batcrap crazy. I cussed him out, her out, his brother out, his best friend out and probably a few other people and made a really terrible post on Facebook. I don't really remember. For many of the things I am deeply ashamed and deeply regret that I did that.
And I'm not making excuses but two of my close friends told me, "we have all reacted that way before" and "No one has a right to tell you how to tell and what you can post or not post. Maybe it was harsh (it was) when someone is hurt and heartbroken of course emotions are gonna run high."
Of course his defense was the usual bullshit--
"You can say and feel how you want and deservedly so. I wasn't ready to fall in love with you but I did. I'm sorry it didn't work out and I'm more sorry for not knowing how or what to say. Yes you were very good to me and I'm thankful for all of it. Nothing happened between me and (ex-wife). I have moved back to (old town) like I told you I was going to do. So as of this week we thought it would be nice to spend the holidays as a family. After (son) gets back in a couple of weeks for good I will most likely be moving to (another city) to work there for (company he works for) after I get him established. So that's the truth. I should've said that earlier. That's my fault. So you can say all you want I probably deserve it. And I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I caused you I promise it wasn't done on purpose."
Didn't mean to fall in love you with but I did. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
The only reason it didn't work out is because when your ex started all her drama you decided you were "confused" and "overwhelmed" and then tried to turn it around on me like it was somehow MY fault because I suffer from anxiety.
Nothing happened between me and (ex-wife).I have moved back to (old town) like I told you I was going to do. So as of this week we thought it would be nice to spend the holidays as a family.
I need a new pair of boots for this bullshit! After (son) gets back in a couple of weeks for good I will most likely be moving to (another city) to work there for (company he works for) after I get him established. Yeah, you mentioned that already. That had NOTHING to do with anything. And I don't believe it now anyway. I believe it's just a way to get me to stop looking for him. No worries, jerk. Not happening. In fact *I* will be moving myself in a month so good like finding me (not saying you were trying. Just saying.)
So that's the truth. I should've said that earlier. That's my fault. So you can say all you want I probably deserve it. And I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I caused you I promise it wasn't done on purpose.
You wouldn't know the truth if it hit you upside your skinny head with a 2 x 4. And yes, it's definitely YOUR fault. All you had to do was have the BALLS to have the "uncomfortable breakup conversation"
a month ago. Say, "I need to put my family back together or at least try." Instead of being the cowardly person that you turned out to be. Sure, it would still have hurt. But how he handled this is beyond cruel. And as much as I want to hurt him back right now, I know that I have to let God handle it and I know He will. He will get exactly what he deserves. And yes, that still makes me a little sad.
I was also told that "everyone warned him not to get involved with me". Oh really? Who is "everyone"? People we went to high school with THIRTY YEARS AGO that don't even know me? No, I am the one that should have been warned about HIM. It's funny how little high school cliques survive for decades. Listen up, most of y'all peaked in high school.
It's frightening that people think we are all still the same. He was always the "nice guy". Well, this is evidence he's not so nice. I get called out for being honest and transparent. At least I'm no poser. I own my shit. You all should try it sometime.
I belong to an anonymous message board about dating/relationships. I have shared my story with them and they have all been wonderfully supportive--better than some of my own "friends". When I told them about my blowup and bad judgement with social media, I got this response from one person who absolutely hit the nail on the head:
In summary: -You knew each other as kids, but you both married other people and had kids. He's been divorced for 9 years and constantly slammed his ex-wife. -You got together, and had the most blissful 2 months on the planet. He couldn't believe his luck in finding you, and he confessed that he always had a torch for you! OMG, what heaven! -And he constantly pushed for future talks! Let's look at how and when to move in together, be out in public on Facebook, plan for our life together! What bliss. -And then, his ex-wife gets wind of his new relationship on Facebook, and suddenly, the cheating biatch from h*ll (his descriptions!) wants him back. -He's suddenly harder to reach. Takes longer to respond to texts. Gets a little miffed when one of your friends makes a "marriage" comment on one of your posts. -Then, just as suddenly as he blew in, he blows out. But not before blaming you for your anxiety! Has the nerve to blame your anxiety on the fall of the relationship, as your anxiety just can't seem to handle his constant changes in plans, which of course, are all due to his job (B.S.). (deflection)
Horse hockey.
No wonder you got so pissed off when you realized they did get back together. I don't blame you one bit. This guy Lovebombed you, then discarded you as quickly as he could once he realized he had a new person who wanted him.
This follows such a textbook pattern: Idealize, Future Fake, Devalue (using your "anxiety" as his excuse and his way to devalue you), Replace (his ex!), Discard. You can IM me if you want more info on all of this.
As for your drunk SM posting: fuggedabout it. If anyone asks, say you were reeling from exactly what you were reeling from: your "perfect" new guy went back to his ex, right at the holidays. Sprinkle in 1 cup of eggnog, and you have yourself a trashing post. You had the foresight to delete it, now just move on from it.
I agree with Wiseman on getting help, in the form of therapy, to help you recognize your patterns with men and come up with strategies to find a healthier partner. This isn't about anything wrong with you, but in how you're going about handling your emotions and your feelings towards men. Guess what....I'm going through it myself, currently. You are not alone.
When I broke up with my exBF a few months ago after one more lie, I was sooooooo tempted to write a long, scathing, trashing Facebook post! I even wrote it!! But I wrote in in a word doc., and I amended it and saved it! But I kept sleeping on it until the actual urge to post it was gone. Heck, if I'm being honest, I still have the urge sometimes!
It's human.....but we do have to remember that posting something like that rarely hurts the other person, but it always hurts us.
I didn't realize he was a TEXTBOOK case! Definitely one for the school of Psychology!
As for the hurtful things I said to others, I regret doing that but nothing I said was untrue. What I regret is that I let them all get the better of me and cause me to sink to their level. This entire relationship was a complete waste of time and did more damage to me mentally and emotionally than my divorce from my 21 year marriage AND my subsequent experience with a boyfriend and domestic violence.
Besides allowing it to move too quickly, I allowed it to turn me into a person I AM NOT. I am not weak, clingy, or needy. Yes, I have anxiety about some things and he knew that and used it against me. I am also better than the awful language I used the other night.
And truth be told, I am exactly like the ex-wife which is why I reached out to her in the beginning and tried to be her friend. (boy did that ever bite me in the ass!) I knew exactly the mistakes she made and how she felt about them because I did the exact same things. I honestly don't blame her for her actions. I blame him for not having the guts to step up and set boundaries--either for her or for me.
If his family was after him to "keep things the same for holidays" but he actually loved me like he said, he should have had the balls to tell them all, I'm sorry things are different now.
If he really wanted to spend the holidays with his family one more time, he should have had the balls to tell me that instead of stringing me along for a month and making ME be the one to walk away.
Either way, I think we've firmly established that he has NO BALLS. Do I want a man like that in my life? Absolutely not. And even though it does sting, I am glad I found out the truth about him before I wasted anymore time.
Next time, I will be VERY cautious with my relationships, regardless of how "good" of a person everyone says they are or how I thought them to be.
