Revelation, Christmas and a New Year

Christmas turned out not to be so bad after all. A few days after my last post, I'm driving down the interstate thinking about how my kids are seemingly selfish, not wanting to spend any time with me when the Holy Spirit whispered..."Now you know how I feel. How many times have I prompted you to spend time with me, read my word, worship, pray and see all that I have for you but you were too tired, too busy, had more important things to do, too poorly organized with your time management, etc."

BOOM!

I DO read Scripture and pray daily. Even if it is just one or two verses and even if it's a hurried prayer. And I know it all counts. But I know God has so much more for me and yet, so many other things get in the way.  I know He understands. He is patient and forgiving. Me, not so much.

So I am choosing to use my current phase in life as yet another lesson--to adjust my priorities yet again. I love how when we refuse to take the time to learn what God wants to show us He will use the situations and circumstances in our lives to teach us anyway. All we have to do is listen.

We wound up having a wonderful Christmas Eve where the kids and I exchanged gifts like adults before going to my mom's for dinner. They went to their dad's to spend the night and wait on "Santa" and I came home alone. But it was not so bad. I lay in my bed, talking to Jesus and listening to 24 hours of A Christmas Story until I fell asleep. In the morning, we went to my sister's house to see what Santa brought the little ones. Later that afternoon I met my singles group for some bowling and then came home and spent some time alone with my son before he headed back to Tuscaloosa.

Me and Dylan at Highlands Christmas (awesome, btw! If you ever get the opportunity to go, do NOT pass it up!)

My little family! Yes, I realize there is a black kid in my picture! It's Brooke's boyfriend, Anthony. I don't really care what you think of that. We like him and I trust my daughter.

My mom and dad and all their grands.



So now I am looking forward to my FAVORITE holiday--New Years! I love New Years because there is just something about getting rid of the old and welcoming new that I have always loved. I love that the slate is clean (kinda like when we let Jesus wipe our slates clean) and start over. Everyone gets a second chance.

Facebook did their usual "year in review" customized for each user of course and I realized that the year was really pretty good. I got very involved in various things at Church of the Highlands. Kayti graduated high school and moved into her own apartment. She danced her last year of dance and went to her first and only prom. Brooke had the lead in the spring musical, did colorguard for an OUTSTANDING season of high school football (State Champs, remember?), danced, got her driver's license, and finished a year of voice lessons. Dylan began his Senior year at Alabama and launched a student team of UAV designers even securing significant funding for the project in grants and donations. (have I ever mentioned how super intelligent he is?) We went to Orlando, Chattanooga, the beach and Atlanta. I started another year of graduate school and a new job.

I guess I have to accept that there will always be some bad days here and there and that things are not always going to be perfect. For my personality, that's a hard fact to accept. But I'm learning. It's just not so easy for some of us to "go with the flow" no matter how hard we want to be able to. But most days, I love my life. I still have dreams and goals though and I will always be the type of person that tries to put together a plan to make it happen. What I have to do, however, is seek God first in those plans. His plans are far better than mine. But I believe that He puts desires in us because they are somehow part of His plan.

I have also been hesitant in the past to share too many of my goals and dreams for fear that if they didn't work out, I would be disappointed or look stupid and like I don't follow through on things. But in listening to Joel Osteen, one of my favorite pastors after all the ones at COTH, of course, and going through LIFE is that words have tremendous power. I need to speak my dreams out loud and give the words the power to work. I need to show God that I have faith enough in myself to do what I can do so that He can do what He wants to do.

So my hopes, dreams, goals, plans--whatever you want to call them--for 2015 are (in no particular order):

1. Continue serving on the prayer team for the LIFE retreats and the Events team.
2. To not miss a single SERVE Saturday and to make every Saturday prayer meeting that I can.
3. Get involved with prison ministry.
4. Continue writing to Richard (a childhood friend doing life at Donaldson Correctional Facility in Bessemer.
5. Tame that tongue!
6. Learn a new language
7. Go on a big trip.
8. Spend more time with friends
9. Get on a doable budget!
10. Make myself over physically (gonna keep the details of that to myself!)

And that's just a sampling. There is so much more that I want to do and so much more that I HAVE to do. And I will try to accept my limitations when I start to see them and not be too disappointed. But God knows the plans He has for me--plans to give me a hope and a future, plans to prosper me and I claim His promise today!

Be blessed!

It's just not gonna happen..

I tried I really did but Christmas this year is just going to be going through the motions. That's it. And I can't wait for it to be over!

I have tried to make memories with my kids and instill in them to value other things more than presents--time with family, a reverence for the occasion (even if they don't believe in the reason), making things, seeing things...but they don't care. They aren't spoiled for material things (well, maybe Brooke is and I don't know how. It's not like she gets a lot but she sure does want a lot! And she has expensive taste!) but they could really care less about participating in any of what I would consider the "fun" of the season.

All I asked of them was to come to candlelight services, ride around and look at lights and the Saturday come to dinner and then go to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life like we do every year.  I told them all at least three times. I even invited Kayti's friend, who lost her own mother a few months ago, to come along with us. The only one to do what I asked without complaining, without forgetting was Dylan.

Brooke had to work Saturday, which I understand and knew it was a possibility that she would have to work at least one of the nights. I'm not upset about that. But come Friday and we're ready to go and she's laying up in the bed! When I said something to her she tried to pretend I never told her even though we talked about it THREE TIMES. She has my sister's act down pat of trying to make the mom think she's crazy!

At the same time I'm upset with Brooke and we are screaming at each other, Kayti, who had previously informed me that they didn't want to go look at lights because she needed to take her friend to do stuff (that they could have done earlier in the day) chimes in that they are going to go on and meet me there. It just hit me at the wrong time--I mean what, we can't even all ride together? She and I screamed at each other and she ended up not going at all either.

I stayed pretty upset with them all day Saturday and had not went to the store to get anything to fix for dinner so we made plans to meet downtown and then I get told by Kayti that she isn't going to that either.  My entire weekend was pretty much ruined. I just wanted to spend time with my kids but I was made to feel like that was such an inconvenience and that I was being ridiculous for wanting that.

As a single mom, I have NO BACKUP whatsoever. Their dad used to be a great co-parent. But in the last six months or so, he acts like he doesn't want to be bothered and then turns everything back around on me.  My mom, the wisest mother I know, just wants to be grandma and doesn't want to get involved. I understand that. But my gosh, I need some help! I know a big part of the way they act is just being teenagers. I get that. But what am I supposed to do? Let them keep acting like selfish little brats and hope they somehow grow out of it? Apparently that's the way most people parent these days. No attempts are made to teach kids right from wrong, respect, etc. I remember being the same way but I also remember getting my head slapped off a few times! And I don't want to discipline from rage and bitterness. I need to be able to walk away until I get control and normally there would be another parent to step in and take over until things calm down. But single moms don't have that advantage. And before you say, just go in another room you should know two things: 1) this house is small 2) it really doesn't help.

So I took today to myself. I slept in then got ready, went shopping, got my nails and toes done and went shopping some more. And I am not a typical woman--I HATE shopping.

 And I did something else I hate to do today--I bought gift cards. I hate gift cards. It's the equivalent of saying, "You really aren't worth the trouble to think of a unique gift and this is how much I was willing to spend on you." But you know what I decided? Some people ARE too much trouble and this IS all I can spend!

I'm also not baking this year. I made fudge and Martha Washington already this year. That's enough. Anything else I want, I'm sure Wal-mart makes it. But I really don't need it. And who has time? And nobody cares.

I just really wish I could sleep until Friday. I hate feeling like this. But no matter what I do, I can't snap out of it. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with some that have passed away recently. They were loved and are missed. I'm not so sure about myself sometimes. And I'm so ready to be with the Lord. I'm so over this life. I can't seem to figure out who I am since my divorce. I'm no longer someone's wife and while I'll always be somebody's mom, it's not the same as when they were younger. I'm not called to do missions, adopt/foster, go into ministry. I'm not buck wild like I was when I first got divorced and not really interested in dating much. I do outreach and serve at church and I enjoy it. But I just feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more now and I'm just stuck. I just give up.

Doing much better!

I did manage to stay off Facebook for several days prior to the LIFE retreat and it did me so much good.  I don't think that Facebook is a bad thing. I do think we need to be careful with it, as with anything, and keep it in its proper place. So since getting back on it, I've tried to make a conscious effort not to say too much, especially when I'm not in a great mood.

Nonetheless, it was a great break for me. And the retreat was amazing! I had the honor of serving on the prayer team and just to let you know how serious it is--not just anyone can serve on the prayer team. You first must complete a LIFE group all the way through to attending the retreat and then you have to serve at another retreat in some other capacity--on the events team, part of the flow team or as a member of the intercessory prayer team. And then you have to go through training for the prayer team. But you get to wear the red shirts and pray individually with retreat attendees. It was as much a blessing for me as it was for anyone I had the privilege of praying with.

I was a little nervous about it. I'm quite comfortable praying out loud and in front of people. I've been doing it for quite some time now as a small group leader, teacher, etc. But to cast out spirits of fear, mammon, rejection, etc. and pour blessing into someone I just met and get only a few moments with can be quite intimidating. But I had to remember that I am just a vessel that God uses to do His work. I don't need to do anything but have a pure and sincere heart to show love to people and just let Him do what He needs to do.

There were times when I got tongue tied a little bit. But when I did, I just paused and asked the Holy Spirit to just take over completely. There were other times that I have no idea what I said after I finished praying and I knew it was all Him.

And God took care of me by putting me on the same team as my former co-leader and friend, Shay. She is such an inspirational prayer warrior and mentor. She's so encouraging and uplifting. Truly an amazing woman! And then I met Rhonda, another amazing woman of God that just took me under her wing and encouraged me so that I could encourage others.  It was a great experience in every way.

After I was done serving, I went to the Clay Christmas parade to watch my baby girl march.

I have really been dreading Christmas this year. Actually every year since my divorce has been hard because not only am I single but the kids are grown--well, 2/3 are anyway. It gets more difficult to find gifts for them that I can afford and much of the magic of Santa and the wonder in their little faces are just not as present as they were when they were much smaller. It's hard and last year, my ex decided that it was time to stop doing Christmas for the kids together. We managed to keep things pretty much the same for the first two Christmases after we split but last year he decided he did not want to be a part of our Christmas Eve festivities. And this year it's his turn to have them Christmas Eve (even though they will still come to dinner at mom's--he knows better than to mess with that! lol) and I will be in my apartment all alone. I haven't really wanted to think about it.

But about a week or so ago, I had a dream about my Maw Maw. Almost 18 years after she passed away and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. No matter what's going on, she is still very much a presence in my life. But I rarely dream about her. The dream was kind of weird and really isn't that important except that I could feel her spirit so close. When I woke I realized that I had put up my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving as always and it usually takes me a few more weeks to actually get everything situated the way I want it so I've been messing around with things and arranging them. Many of the decorations are ones that she actually handmade for me and I think touching them and looking at them so much must have put her on my mind even more. 

But I told my mom about my dream because I think sometimes my mom thinks we don't think about Maw Maw much anymore or care that she's gone. I wanted her to know that is far from the truth. I still miss her VERY much.  I wish that she could have seen my cousins' children and Brooke and my sisters' children. She only ever met Dylan and Kayti and they were very young when she died. I doubt they have many memories of her that we haven't given them.

But in talking with my mom, she reminded me how much Maw Maw loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. She never had much but she always loved making homemade candy, decorations and gifts and just being with family and it occurred to me that maybe that's what she was trying to tell me--that there was no reason to dread Christmas no matter what is going on. Just focus on good things and enjoy your loved ones because you never know when they won't be around anymore.  And it has hit home even more since hearing of so many friends that have lost people lately, especially moms. I know their hearts are broken and all I can do is pray for Jesus to wrap His sweet, loving arms around them and comfort them. I really have no reason to be depressed about my situation. Sure, it's different and I'll always miss what used to be. But there isn't much sense in sitting around pining for it because there is nothing I can do to get it back. 

So I'm going to do what my Maw Maw and my Jesus wants me to do--embrace it.  I'm listening to Christmas music every day, getting myself in the spirit! I'm going to make plans, go all out with food and decorations (as much as my budget will allow!), start new traditions and just enjoy every part of it. Since I don't get to be "Santa" this year, I'm going with a theme for the kids gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. 

We will still go to candlelight services at church and to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life and we will still drive around and look at lights. Those things will be the same. But I may go see a movie Christmas Day by myself! I'm going to experiment with some recipes since I don't get to cook much anymore. I'm going to spend time with my dog and read and write. I'm going to do something for others that they aren't expecting. I will give all I can give into making Christmas great because our God gave all He could give--His Son, who would later become our Lord and Savior.

I study Advent scriptures and God shows me something new each time. But most of all, I think this is the first year that I've realized that the nativity, while amazing, is about more than a precious baby's divine birth. I think this is the first time in my life that it really hit me that He came to die. I knew in my head but I think this is the first year I got heart knowledge of that fact. I mean, myrrh! He was given burial oil at His birth! There's a clue! lol But oh...I just have no words. The ways God works...who can understand it? But oh how we ought to appreciate it. Oh how we ought to have a burning desire to know more because His Word says, Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come. Jeremiah 33:3

I do pray your Christmas is one to remember! Be blessed!

Sabbatical

I am smart enough to realize that the stuff I'm going through right now is from the evil one. I am supposed to be serving at the LIFE retreat this weekend on the prayer team. And so I have been so distracted and shaken by darkness that it has me questioning whether I should go through with serving or not.

Who am I to lead people to freedom when I can't seem to get free myself?

I know I am  child of God, even though I am far from perfect. I know I'm forgiven and loved and cherished. I know all that. But there are times when I just can't feel it.

And yes, I know I am not supposed to be going on feelings but on choices because choices lead, feelings follow. And that is what I am trying DESPERATELY to do.

I am going to dig even deeper for the next few days, stay off of facebook and away from other things that do not serve my spirit but rather feed my flesh and suck my time. I'm going to refocus my attention to God's Word, worship, prayer and things that replenish my soul.

It's been a difficult few days dealing with my daughters.  I know they are human also. They get emotional and selfish and act in ways they shouldn't. They had a great teacher for that--me! I still love them. But I want so badly for them to be better than me. And when they struggle I am reminded of what a failure I was to them. I didn't instill things of faith in them like I should have. I tried at times but I was going through my own stuff at the time and then I fell away and left them. They have issues and crises of faith and they are entitled to that because of what I put them through.

I am trying SO HARD to make it all right again. I believe that God can and will redeem the places that I fell so short as a woman and as a mother. But I am still human and when it doesn't happen when and like I think it should, I get frustrated.

Sometimes it feels like the more of myself I try to surrender to God, the more tenderhearted, raw and exposed I am. I get my feelings hurt so easily these days. I don't know what I am supposed to be learning in all this.

I still have so much anger towards my ex husband. Most people probably don't think I have a right to be angry with him and they would be correct. He has treated me better than most husbands would a wife that did the things I did. Far better. But the issues that led to the demise of our marriage are still there. He doesn't and probably never will have my back when it counts. He doesn't support my discipline of Brooke and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do some things like find another doctor for Kayti.  I have to constantly nag and fuss and then that just escalates into arguments I know I will never win.

It especially frustrates me with Brooke because she is learning how to play us against each other. I was upset with her yesterday and all I asked for was to be alone. I asked him if it was okay if she stayed with him and he had no problem. Until she threw a little fit and he gave in and brought her home against my protests. How am I ever supposed to teach her anything if he undermines me at every turn. And he just thinks it's no big deal. He doesn't get it. He never will. And THAT is why I have zero respect for him sometimes.  There are just certain areas of life that he will never step up and be a man.

So why do I long for days gone by when we were a happy family?  I still can't figure that out either. I think I mostly want to undo the hurt. I know I can't. I know that in my head. Sometimes I just forget. Or I guess it still hasn't made its way to my heart. A heart that part of will always belong to him. The love of my young life, the father of my children, my best friend for so many years. Maybe I'm just too nostalgic. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I just wish I knew if that was His plan or not so I could know how to steer my heart.

I'm so tired of being stuck in this place. I need a breakthrough. And I believe I'm due. So I'm pulling out all the stops and going after God more than I ever have. Please agree with me in prayer that He will finally push or pull me over this hump.

I have to get unstuck!

30 Days of Thankful--Days 23-30

I am anal in that I feel I MUST finish things I start. So even though we are now 8 days into December, let me finish my thankful posts before I make another.

Day 23--Thankful for At the Movies series at church. I always love this time of year.

Day 24--Thankful to be off from zumba for awhile so I can recuperate from the 5k I did on Saturday!

Day 25--Thankful Brooke is off from dance this week so I can save on gas!

Day 26--Thankful for Survivor! One of my favorite shows and one of my few joys lately!

Day 27--THANKSGIVING! Thankful I got to see and spend time with family. Thankful for sweet friends like Dorinda that gave me a turkey and thankful that my dad is going to fry it for me.

Day 28--Thankful that I have to work (yes, you read that right) and have an excuse for not getting out in the mess that is Black Friday!

Day 29--Thankful that the Cougars beat Florence last night and are headed to the State 6A Championship game!

Day 30--Thankful that Alabama beat Auburn!!! ROLL TIDE!

30 Days of Thankful--Days 16-22

I am woefully behind so let me get started....

On Sunday, I was thankful for the unexpected blessing of a good person and new friend. I LOVE serving on the Events Team at my church, Church of the Highlands. I love hosting because I get to see everyone and hopefully put a smile on some faces by handing out snacks, cards or whatever. And we have so much fun doing it.

We just started our annual At the Movies series where Pastor Chris takes a movie and brings a biblical truth out of it, much like Jesus did in the Bible with His teaching through parables. At our evening services we serve popcorn and cokes so it really has a "movie" feel to it. I signed up to serve at the 4:30 service and was looking forward to it.

After signing up for that, I also signed up to hand out packets of children's information for our Giving Tree which is a separate ministry from the Events Team with our outreach efforts through the Dream Center. I went and did that Sunday morning and then subsequently we had an Events team meeting about some upcoming changes in organization. So after doing both of those I went home for some R & R before heading back for At the Movies.

I was tired. I have been running on an empty tank for a few months now but there's nothing I can really do about it right now. I can't quit school, definitely can't quit my job and certainly won't quit being a mom and I don't WANT to quit serving the Lord so I press on. But I hop on facebook for a minute and low and behold, there is a fellow Events Team member WANTING to serve that missed the signup! God saw that I was tired and needed rest and He answered my need without me even asking! Although I would have gladly sucked it up and went and served with a smile on my face (did I mention how much I LOVE serving? ;)) I was grateful that someone was not only willing to take my spot but wanted to.  I love love love my church and all the people in it who not only serve the Lord but serve each other and do so not out of obligation but out of a genuine desire to just be a blessing. We never have to beg people to help out and it's such an amazing thing to be a part of!

And I did not miss the movie, as it was a repeat of one we did last year that was well received. Plus I got to see it again while handing out packets!

On Monday, I was thankful that I got to return to zumba! I love going to my zumba class at Crosspoint Baptist Church in Argo. I have three of the best teachers and lovely group of ladies that are in the class. I have so much fun and burn so many more calories in that 45 minutes than I do with anything else--anywhere from 450-600 calories in 45 minutes! Things have been getting in the way of me going lately. Worthy things, nothing lazy--I'm not wimping out. But I have had to take Brooke shopping for work clothes, go to Prayer Team training for the LIFE retreat, etc. etc. I was glad to get to work off some stress and get some much needed endorphins!

On Tuesday, I was thankful for peace in the midst of trials and I'm just going to leave it at that.

On Wednesday, I was thankful for mercy. Brooke and I woke up a little late, hurried to get ready and then discovered the car wouldn't start. I called the only person I could--my ex. I've already posted about how thankful I am for him but I am even more thankful that he treats me so much better than I deserve. He left work, came and got us, took Brooke to school, me to work and then came back to pick me up from work. He then took my old battery out of my car and took me to Walmart while we exchanged it for a new one (it was still under warrant, thank you, Lord, and they didn't give me any problem getting another), bought me dinner and put the new battery in the car. Very few ex-husbands would go to that much trouble.  I was also thankful that my boss didn't give me a hard time for being late. Yes, I'm thankful for mercy.

On Thursday, I was thankful I got to see my friend, Jenny and her sweet little boy, Charlie again. I took Brooke to her apartment (and discovered where I want to move when she graduates!) in Inverness so she could watch Charlie while Jenny went out. I just spent some time gallivanting around 280. It was good to catch up with her and I love how much Brooke loves Charlie.

 On Friday, I was thankful to see the Cougars win another victory and one on the road at that. It was a hard fought game, especially at first. It was heartbreaking to see Terelle on the sidelines in a wheelchair. I am praying that he makes a speedy recovery and realizes that God has a big plan for his life. I hated to see Ty and Art get hurt but hopefully they will be okay in time for next week's game. But I was also pleasantly surprised to see that we are pretty deep in those positions. Our backup QB did a great job, as did the rest of the team. I was not impressed with Decatur at all and I'll just stop there.

Today, I was thankful to get to participate in Church of the Highlands and A21's Race to the Heights 5K for Human Trafficking Awareness. This is my second year to do this race and not only did I participate I also helped set up the food and drinks because, once again, I just LOVE to serve with my Events Team. So yes, despite the fact that we made it home from Decatur late and I didn't get in bed until 12:30 a.m.,  I bounced right up at 5:30 a.m. and was at the church by 6 a.m. to help serve and then run.

Okay, "bounce" may be a bit of an exaggeration! lol  And "run" might be also. I did run some, even though I am medically not supposed to because of my knees (I just can't help it sometimes) I walked the majority of it. But I walked it really fast! (Probably faster than I run!)

My right knee hurt and I may have pulled a muscle in the back of my left thigh but I finished! (yes, we run down and back up the big hill going into the church!)  And I was NOT the last one to cross the finish line!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 15--Prayer!

Today I am thankful for prayer. Not only for the prayers I pray for myself. But also for the prayers I pray for others, especially my children, family and close friends.

Going even further than that, I am thankful that when my heart hurts so badly and I can't think straight; when I don't have the words or mental and emotional ability to pray I can:

1) Ask close friends to pray for me and I have been blessed with some awesome prayer warrior friends or

2) Ask the Holy Spirit to pray and intercede for me.

Today I had to do both as I have been deeply grieved for many reasons.

It started out with me getting my feelings hurt. I shouldn't have. I should understand that my kids are grown and at the age where they are just so wrapped up in their own little lives that they aren't always the most considerate. But the enemy whispers in my ear, "It's your fault. You didn't raise them right. You failed as a mother. You were selfish for a while and now they are paying you back." among other things.  I know that none of that is true. And even if it were true, I have been redeemed in whatever area I might have fallen short. I mean, just look at them! I must have done something right along the way. But I love them so much and miss them terribly and I especially miss when they were little and not only needed me but WANTED me. It's hard. It feels so good to know you did your job as a parent and did it so well that they aren't the leaches I see so many young adults being but at the same time, when you have done your job...well, it can be a little lonely.

So the day didn't go like I'd planned and that ALWAYS infuriates me. I don't think I will ever learn that I can't plan out every minute and sometimes I'm just going to have to roll with it. I tried, I really did but the drive home I just kept hearing the enemy's voice, "You have nothing. Your friends have their own lives. Your children don't want to be around you. Your family thinks your crap. You have no marriage, no relationship, no real career. You only have fat and a bunch of bills and that's all you're ever going to have."

I know I have to stop playing these thoughts over and over again in my head. I've done two semesters of LIFE and two semesters of DivorceCare in addition to six months of professional therapy. Yet sometimes I feel I have learned nothing. And how can I really expect to help others be free when I sometimes revert back into bondage myself?

My gut instinct is still and probably always will be to reach out to the ex. Always a mistake. Though he hasn't moved on to anyone else he has moved on from me. He has stopped caring. And it breaks my hurt. For thirty years my life has been about him. It's a tough habit to break. Whenever anything good happens, he's the first person I think of to tell. Whenever I feel depressed or sad, I want to call him. I have to stop and I know this but sometimes I just can't. God knows I have tried to move on but somehow I just keep going back to that wrong way of thinking and that is that I want to turn back the clock. And I can't. And I get mad because I can't. Same ol' stuff. Same demons just a different day.

And then, just when I think my life is just crap I find out about a friend whose brother is incarcerated and dying. And the state refuses to treat him because he's a lifer. To them, his life is worth nothing. And I know people that don't know him and don't know the family probably think he's getting what he deserves or something and what a waste it would be to help him when he will never contribute anything productive to society. And many people who think this way are supposedly Christians. It blows my mind but maybe I would feel that way too if I didn't see how his life IS valuable to the people that love him. My heart breaks for my friend and her family. I feel powerless and I want to pray but I'm so angry about it. What is Jesus' problem? Why can't He just come back already and take us all out of this horrible place that the world is sometimes?

Yeah, trusting God is really hard. I know He understands what I feel and wants me to talk to Him about it. But today I just can't. I had to call in reinforcements. So if you're reading this, please intercede for me today. And pray that I'll be able to pray for myself tomorrow!

I will be very thankful!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 14--warmth!

As I sat at the football game in 29 degree weather all bundled up in my two shirts, coat, hat, scarf, gloves, jeans, two pairs of socks, boots and huddled under an afghan next to a propane heater I thought about all the homeless and how they endure such temperatures. I am so thankful that I was out there by choice, watching a football game and shivering but knowing I would soon be in my warm car headed home to my warm house!

Whenever you feel the need to complain about the weather, remember there are those that would REALLY like to complain about it. I may not have much but I am very thankful to have heat!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 13--my precious son!

Today and every day, I'm thankful for this precious baby boy who has grown into the most amazing young man!

Today he is 22 and I'm in awe of him. Despite all my flaws as a woman and a mother, with God's grace and guidance, I somehow managed to raise THE most remarkable young man ever. There really are no words that could possibly convey how much I love him or how proud I am of him.

I am thankful to God for choosing me to be his mother and for showing me what unconditional love is. Through becoming a mom, I understand more how much our Father loves us, if that can really ever truly be understood!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 12--coffee!

I started drinking coffee almost 5 years ago. I had just had knee surgery and was looking at another knee surgery but decided to do the 1 mile fun run/walk for the Jingle Bell Run for Arthritis with my friend, Donna.

It was COLD and Red Diamond had a booth set up with free coffee. I never particularly cared for coffee much before but decided I would do anything to warm up. I tried it and it was SO GOOD! For a long time I would ONLY drink Red Diamond coffee. Now I will drink other brands. My favorite coffee is the kind I make at home with sugar and white chocolate mocha creamer. I have recently switched from sugar to stevia to lower my carb count but I still take a tiny bit of creamer.

I can do without it. But I don't want to and very thankful I don't have to!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 11--a day off!

Today I am thankful for Veteran's Day! Of course, I'm thankful for the sacrifice of so many for my freedom. But I'll be honest--I was truly thankful that it's a holiday and I got the day off!

I went and got a haircut (it had been close to a year), got my nails done (going on three weeks with this raggedy things!), cleaned out the car and washed it and also fixed my bifold doors by myself! I did a few other things around the house and am about to do some Bible study both for small group tomorrow night and for LIFE Retreat Prayer Team.

And hopefully, I'll make it to bed early! Yes, I am very thankful for this much needed day!

Thank you, again, Veterans!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 10--this girl!

I am SO PROUD of how well she is doing on her own during her first year of college! I've always known she was smart but I was a little nervous about her being able to handle certain aspects of life. Not that she's immature or anything like that. I guess I was just a nervous mother. But when you have more than one child, you generally spend a lot of time making sure the first one knows and experiences everything. Sometimes you forget about the younger ones because you don't remember what you've told them and what you haven't! Kayti can change her own tires but Brooke didn't know how to pump gas! That's just one example.

But she has done extremely well. She's even handled her eating disorder and health well since being on her own and she seems genuinely happy with her life. Of course, I miss her like crazy! I even miss her cat! And I can't wait to see her and her brother both this weekend!

I love you Kayti Quick! I'm very proud of you and thankful you are my daughter!

30 Days of thankful--Day 9--nieces and nephews

Today, I am thankful for my four nieces and two nephews!

Three of my nieces, I don't see often. They live in Athens with my sister, Misti. But they are beautiful girls.

The other niece, Chloe aka Sissypants celebrated her 3rd birthday so I got to see her and my nephews Cooper and Liam.

They are growing up so fast!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 8--Friends

Today, I was thankful I got to spend time with a few friends! It's been 28 years since I last saw Layne. Loved him in HS and still do! We had a great time at Silvertron's and Hop City.

I have some great friends and I am thankful for them!

30 Days of Thankful--Day 6--Zumba!

Today I am thankful for zumba! I absolutely love my Monday-Thursday class at Crosspoint Baptist Church in Argo. I have been with this group for almost 5 years. They originally met at Matthews Manor and I fell in love with it. There have been times when I was unable to go, due to living too far away, knee surgery, divorce, etc. But I keep going back. It has evolved somewhat into more of a fitness/hip hop class rather than the traditional latin-based zumba but I still love it. I see more results doing it than anything else. Sometimes it's a little rough on the knees but I take my aleve and power through and if I'm on roll with it, it's easier. It's the stopping and starting back that kills me.

Unless I have something with church or baby girl or something I do not miss anymore. Highly recommend! And very thankful to have a healthy hobby!

30 Days of Thankful Day 5--for choices!

Yes, I'm woefully behind on these thankful posts. I just haven't had a chance to get on the laptop for anything other than work and school.

And speaking of school, it was time to register for Spring courses. I needed to take Accounting 626 (Cost Accounting for Management) or Finance 630 (Managerial Finance) and NEITHER are being offered. That throws off my entire plan unless I take one during the summer and I really don't want to. Moreover, I can't take three remaining classes until I have had Finance. I also have to take at least 6 credit hours to get my student loan and God knows I can't afford this without it so....I found myself in a bit of a pickle this week!

Fortunately, I found something that I could take--Finance 631, Securities and Portfolio Analysis, which given my background in HR Benefits and Investments, shouldn't be too difficult. It isn't one of my requirements but it shouldn't hurt me to have it.

The situation is also making me consider even more the possibility of transferring to Columbia Southern University. It is one of UNA's partner schools with a different format--one course every six weeks and mostly writing. I can also get a concentration in HR. I can't deny it's a very appealing option. I am just cautious that a degree from CSU will carry the same weight as one from UNA. But I'm hoping that a MBA is a MBA. It will be a pain in the big toe to transfer but it is something I am considering.

So how does this tie into being thankful? Well, choices! I am thankful for choices! I am VERY thankful that when things do not go the way I plan (and they seldom do anymore), I have choices!

I just hope and pray that I make the right one!

30 Days of thankful--Day 7--football!

Anybody that knows me knows I LOVE football! Especially my Tide and my Cougars! They are amazing to watch and I love everything about it. I love the band playing, the screaming, the action, the smells of the greasy, unhealthy concession stand food--everything! I don't miss a game and I don't leave early. Ever! 

I get made fun of a lot by my girlfriends that are too girly to get it but that's okay. They have their vices and things they like to do that I find silly and this one is mine. Sometimes I wish I had been a boy so I could've played. I might not have had the size but I definitely had the meanness! And I may not know enough to be a referee (and don't get me started on them, they definitely don't know everything either, which was obvious last night!) but I know more than most women and even quite a few men. It's when they disagree on a team or a call that they like to dismiss me as a "woman"! I find that humorous. But that's another topic.

I love football and am thankful for football season!

Click HERE to see my baby girl in action at the 6A Round 1 playoff game!  Clay Chalkville won 85-50 against the Scottsboro Wildcats. Great (but FREEZING COLD) night!

30 Days of Thankful Day 4--my ex!

I thought a lot about what I could be thankful for today. I had a good meeting with my new boss. It's Election Day and that means the political ads are almost over! But I just could not let this day in particular go by without mentioning what it actually is. Or would have been.

It would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I've been trying not to think about it all day. But how could I not?

We were so young. And everyone tried to talk us out of getting married. I wasn't pregnant. He wasn't going into the military or anything. We were just young, dumb and in love. For many years I tried to remember what it felt like to be that way and I couldn't. Now I remember but it's way too late. We grew up. And grew apart. We didn't make it as a married couple. But we made it longer than anyone ever thought we would. We lasted 21 years.  He gave me the three most incredible babies that grew up into the most amazing young adults. And for that I am very thankful.

Yes, I have many regrets that involve this man. There are things I wish I could do differently. But I can never wish it away. I know one day we will both move on and I hope we will be both be happy. But I also hope that we will look back and remember that there was a lot of good about our life together.

I know he loves our kids and is good to me because of them. And for that also, I am thankful.

30 Days of Thankful Day 3--baby girl!

Today I am thankful for baby girl.  In the last month, my relationship with her has greatly improved. I'm proud of the young lady she is growing up to be. I'm thankful that she is always smiling and happy. I'm thankful that she likes to be involved in things and have fun. I'm thankful for the initiative she has started to take towards long-term goals and securing her future. I am thankful that her array of friends is multi-cultural and always has been. I am thankful for her servant's heart, her love of children and so much more.  I am thankful that when I thought I was done having babies, God had other plans!

30 Days of Thankful Day 2--COTH!

Today I am thankful for my wonderful church, Church of the Highlands!  I am thankful to have had the opportunity to be rebaptized last January, lead a LIFE (Living in Freedom Everyday) group, meet wonderful new friends, join the Events Team at the Grants Mill Campus, finish two terms of Divorce Care and lead Praying for Your Adult Children.

I love that we are a church whose Pastor empowers its members to grow and pursue opportunities to serve others and that we have none of the usual politics and drama that comes with many churches and their numerous committees. I am thankful that we are a church that loves people--ALL people and that no one has to be perfect to join. I am thankful for all the outreach that we do.

I am thankful that because of my church, I have developed an even deeper relationship with my Lord and Savior. I have fallen even more in love with Him this year and am so thankful for the many ways He continues to bless me and my family in spite of the messes I make.

30 Days of Thankful Day 1--my job!

I know these blogs are going to really irritate my good friend, Monique. She hates when people are thankful for 30 days after griping all year long!

Well, gratitude has to start somewhere. And they say it takes 21 days to break/form a habit and I'm going to give it 30. And it's not like I complain ALL the time. I am thankful, truly. It just helps to get the frustration OUT of me so that I can stay thankful on the inside.

So for Day 1 I am most thankful that after all the outsourcing, downsizing, etc. that has happened in the last year I still currently have a job that gives me a steady paycheck. No, it's not my ideal job. And I had to take a pay cut to get it and that is really hurting right now. But at least it's something. And I do like my boss and the work I do. I stay a lot busier than I did before moving to this department and I don't have to put up with customers (just loan officers and that can be as bad sometimes!) But all in all, it's pretty good. And I am truly thankful.

I am also thankful that continuing to look for something more permanent is not as difficult as it once was. So I'm pressing on. I know God has something great for me and I'm excited about it.

Check out my baby girl!!!

Band of the Week: Clay-Chalkville - Week 11



Way to go, Cougar Band!!!

THE post

I'm sorry it's probably not as exciting as I made it out to be and sorry for the delay. I really wanted to wrap my head around it and make sure I was not posting in anger or out of frustration. I really don't care that much about what happened but I do find the subject matter fascinating.

It started out in my head as a blog ranting about men. But I'm honest enough to admit women are or can be just as bad. So this is about people in relationships and why the do they dumb stuff they do!

I will not be mentioning any names. Those close to me may know or figure out who I'm talking about and if so, I trust you will protect the identity of those involved. Like I said, I'm not angry and have nothing against any of them. This is just for discussion among friends or my own inner dialogue. Whatever. Everyone else does not need to know. I'm sure you know someone like this and can relate just as well.

A few years back after I went through my divorce and got out of the abusive relationship that followed it, I went a little wild. I had been married for the previous twenty-one years and never dated much before that. I wanted to experience things. I did. And some of them were great memories even if not the best of decisions at the time. But I met someone MUCH younger than me and we struck up a friendship. It turned out, being from the same community, that we had several people in common. We had many great conversations and he made me feel good about myself and restored some of the self-esteem that had been eroded in previous months. I'm sure I boosted his self-esteem also. Many young men are quite fascinated with the thought of an older woman. So it worked out well for both of us.

Even though we really only "met" in person a few times, we remained good friends, keeping up with each other's lives and encouraging one another ever so often. But I had no designs on him for any kind of real relationship and I'm sure he didn't have any on me either. Eighteen years is a big age difference. I know it has worked out for some. But it's not for me.

Fast forward to the last year or two and he became involved in a serious relationship (or so I thought, I really don't know) and I turned my life around and over to God. No, I'm not perfect. But I DO try to follow the Holy Spirit's lead as much as I can and I have not "dated" anyone for well over a year and haven't really wanted to. Maybe I've also become a little jaded about relationships. The good Lord and close friends know I have dated some, shall we say, not-so-desirable men. Spiritually speaking, of course. And let me just say right here, this friends-with-benefits stuff is for the birds! Or at least not for me.

Anyway, I made the decision in July 2013 that I would let God bring someone into my life if it was meant for me to be with anyone and if not, that's quite alright, too. I am perfectly happy as far as romantic relationships go. I'm just not the kind of woman that NEEDS a man at all times. I can support myself. I have my children, family, great friends, my dog and keep myself busy and centered (most of the time). I also like having control of the remote and hogging the covers!  I have been on a few dates this past summer. But I just wasn't feeling like it was what God wanted for me.

A few weeks ago, the gentlemen that I mentioned earlier started messaging me out of the blue. It was friendly for the most part but we also took a little trip down memory lane if you know what I mean. Though I appreciated the sentiment, I let him know that my life was not about that anymore and then ended the conversation.

Well, Saturday afternoon, he started messaging me again. Now, I need to mention this has happened before but not in the last year or so. And always before, except for those few times, nothing ever came of it. Every time after nothing would happen, I assumed that he was just curious to see if I was still game and since at that time I would have been, that was all he really wanted. No harm no foul. Just all talk.

So Saturday night, I guess you could say I decided to call his bluff. I asked him WHY he would want to do this when he has a girlfriend and seemed happy. I mentioned that more than a few times. He really didn't have an explanation. So once again, I figured he was just trying to see if I would go for it. Or maybe he wanted his girlfriend to find out and see if she would be mad and fight for him. (I don't put anything past anyone anymore) because that's exactly what happened!

After going back and forth for several hours and me basically telling him, come on (put up or shut up, knowing the entire time, he wasn't putting anything up!) I went home and went to bed around 2:30 a.m. (I had been out with friends).

I got up around 5 a.m. to use the restroom and saw I had messages and they were from his number but it was his girlfriend! I guess she found his phone after he passed out. Or maybe he showed it to her. I don't know. I don't really care. She was understandably upset and called me some names.

Now this always fascinates me about women. They ALWAYS blame the other woman. Why is that? The other woman has no commitment to you whatsoever. Women should be mad at the MAN! He's the one that is doing something wrong. Now, if the couple is married and the other woman knows that, I understand being upset and calling someone a "homewrecker". But otherwise, there is no home to wreck. And maybe it's best we women find that out before there is! And while going after a man that supposedly has a girlfriend may be "uncool", it happens. If you want real commitment, get a ring. Otherwise, he's fair game. I'm sorry but he is. Not that I make a habit of it personally, I'm just saying!

But I have been in her shoes and my relationship at the time was less committed than hers and I was still upset with the other woman at first. At first. But I quickly realized I was dating a douchebag and she had done me a HUGE favor. And I'm not about to fight anyone over a MAN. I haven't met one yet that is worth fighting for or over. Most women, though, never come to the realization that their anger is misplaced.

Now, I will say, I have been on ALL sides of this issue before. I have cheated, been cheated on, been the other woman--none of it is any fun. I am still coming to terms with the reasons why I cheated or was the "other woman". Both only happened once. And many people think that men and women cheat for different reasons--that for men, it's all about sex and getting some "strange" and women are seeking intimacy, comfort, etc. Eh, I don't think the reasons vary by gender. I think they vary by person. I know I was thinking like a man one of those times, at least in part. But it was much more complicated than that. Bottom line is I am not a man so I can't even begin to understand them or why they do the things they do. And praise the Lord, no two women are alike! :) So I do believe it's a personal thing--your issues, etc.

I usually assume that I will be the one to be hurt in any situation but that is not always the case. And I am or should have been wise enough to know that there was at least the possibility of her getting hurt even though I KNEW nothing was going to happen. Heck, he doesn't even know where I live and had he figured it out and actually showed up I would have sat him down and talked him out of it. The main reason being--that's just not me anymore. And he'd already been told that previously. But also because I did consider him a friend and after the hell I have gone through I would hate for ANYONE else to willingly go down that road. It just is not worth it! You hear me, people?

IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

If you have a shred of any kind of heart, the pain you will inflict on yourself is ten times worse than the pain the act of cheating inflicts on anyone else. They get over it. They can hate you and the hate helps fuel the healing for them. But you just wind up being hated. And that hurts. Really bad. And the ONLY One that can heal that kind of hurt is Jesus. And it doesn't happen overnight.

So back to the story...after I got her to calm down and understand what really happened (I did NOT go after him) I could tell she was hurt. She didn't understand. Who would? You think everything is great and wonderful and then you get sucker punched in the heart by someone you trusted. And I apologized because I should NOT have played along. Even though I knew it was all talk, well, words hurt. But even if I had said no right of the bat like I did on the other occasion, she could still have seen HIS words and I don't know how that could hurt any less.  Like I said, though, for some women, it does. If there is no woman around they make excuses for the man: "Well, he's just a man.", "They think with their...", "They can't help it. They are wired that way."

Sorry, this woman doesn't buy it. Women are wired to be sexual beings, too. But we somehow are expected to keep it in check. Well, if we can, they can, too.

I will say that one way men and women are different is when women cheat, men don't automatically blame the other man. No, he isn't their best friend. But men hold women accountable. Women do not hold men accountable. We excuse them. Some will say it's because we're more forgiving by nature. I don't know about that. I admit, I don't know much about anything and as each day passes, I feel like i know even less! Especially about men, dating and relationships! Maybe I should have stayed married.

Nah, I like my remote and hogging the covers!

I don't know what happened with them. I may not ever know and that's okay. It's not my business. I do hope they both wind up happy, whatever that looks like.

:)

Beat Down!!!

My baby girl, Brooke, is in her Junior year of High School and her second year of colorguard which she LOVES! She also attends a school with a superb football team. Tonight, they defeated Gardendale 45-20 and became Region 3 6A champs and destined for the state playoffs. They are also undefeated. They are truly amazing to watch, even if you don't care much for football but we all know I most certainly do! So I'm in heaven on Friday nights watching the game and then watching my baby have such a good time on the field and in the stands. She makes me proud.

Here are some of my favorite shots of the year so far:

Long legs, big eyes and a beautiful smile. She's rarely ever nervous on the field. She looks just like her dad but is like me in so many ways and this is just one--I ALWAYS had a great time twirling on the field (I was a majorette). I'm glad she enjoys it, too. She'll treasure these memories.

After the game, the football players got up in the stands with the band and par-tayed! Those kids were all having the best time together. It was really something to see!

I am proud to be a Cougar fan!