Sabbatical

I am smart enough to realize that the stuff I'm going through right now is from the evil one. I am supposed to be serving at the LIFE retreat this weekend on the prayer team. And so I have been so distracted and shaken by darkness that it has me questioning whether I should go through with serving or not.

Who am I to lead people to freedom when I can't seem to get free myself?

I know I am  child of God, even though I am far from perfect. I know I'm forgiven and loved and cherished. I know all that. But there are times when I just can't feel it.

And yes, I know I am not supposed to be going on feelings but on choices because choices lead, feelings follow. And that is what I am trying DESPERATELY to do.

I am going to dig even deeper for the next few days, stay off of facebook and away from other things that do not serve my spirit but rather feed my flesh and suck my time. I'm going to refocus my attention to God's Word, worship, prayer and things that replenish my soul.

It's been a difficult few days dealing with my daughters.  I know they are human also. They get emotional and selfish and act in ways they shouldn't. They had a great teacher for that--me! I still love them. But I want so badly for them to be better than me. And when they struggle I am reminded of what a failure I was to them. I didn't instill things of faith in them like I should have. I tried at times but I was going through my own stuff at the time and then I fell away and left them. They have issues and crises of faith and they are entitled to that because of what I put them through.

I am trying SO HARD to make it all right again. I believe that God can and will redeem the places that I fell so short as a woman and as a mother. But I am still human and when it doesn't happen when and like I think it should, I get frustrated.

Sometimes it feels like the more of myself I try to surrender to God, the more tenderhearted, raw and exposed I am. I get my feelings hurt so easily these days. I don't know what I am supposed to be learning in all this.

I still have so much anger towards my ex husband. Most people probably don't think I have a right to be angry with him and they would be correct. He has treated me better than most husbands would a wife that did the things I did. Far better. But the issues that led to the demise of our marriage are still there. He doesn't and probably never will have my back when it counts. He doesn't support my discipline of Brooke and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do some things like find another doctor for Kayti.  I have to constantly nag and fuss and then that just escalates into arguments I know I will never win.

It especially frustrates me with Brooke because she is learning how to play us against each other. I was upset with her yesterday and all I asked for was to be alone. I asked him if it was okay if she stayed with him and he had no problem. Until she threw a little fit and he gave in and brought her home against my protests. How am I ever supposed to teach her anything if he undermines me at every turn. And he just thinks it's no big deal. He doesn't get it. He never will. And THAT is why I have zero respect for him sometimes.  There are just certain areas of life that he will never step up and be a man.

So why do I long for days gone by when we were a happy family?  I still can't figure that out either. I think I mostly want to undo the hurt. I know I can't. I know that in my head. Sometimes I just forget. Or I guess it still hasn't made its way to my heart. A heart that part of will always belong to him. The love of my young life, the father of my children, my best friend for so many years. Maybe I'm just too nostalgic. I know that nothing is impossible for God. I just wish I knew if that was His plan or not so I could know how to steer my heart.

I'm so tired of being stuck in this place. I need a breakthrough. And I believe I'm due. So I'm pulling out all the stops and going after God more than I ever have. Please agree with me in prayer that He will finally push or pull me over this hump.

I have to get unstuck!