Doing much better!

I did manage to stay off Facebook for several days prior to the LIFE retreat and it did me so much good.  I don't think that Facebook is a bad thing. I do think we need to be careful with it, as with anything, and keep it in its proper place. So since getting back on it, I've tried to make a conscious effort not to say too much, especially when I'm not in a great mood.

Nonetheless, it was a great break for me. And the retreat was amazing! I had the honor of serving on the prayer team and just to let you know how serious it is--not just anyone can serve on the prayer team. You first must complete a LIFE group all the way through to attending the retreat and then you have to serve at another retreat in some other capacity--on the events team, part of the flow team or as a member of the intercessory prayer team. And then you have to go through training for the prayer team. But you get to wear the red shirts and pray individually with retreat attendees. It was as much a blessing for me as it was for anyone I had the privilege of praying with.

I was a little nervous about it. I'm quite comfortable praying out loud and in front of people. I've been doing it for quite some time now as a small group leader, teacher, etc. But to cast out spirits of fear, mammon, rejection, etc. and pour blessing into someone I just met and get only a few moments with can be quite intimidating. But I had to remember that I am just a vessel that God uses to do His work. I don't need to do anything but have a pure and sincere heart to show love to people and just let Him do what He needs to do.

There were times when I got tongue tied a little bit. But when I did, I just paused and asked the Holy Spirit to just take over completely. There were other times that I have no idea what I said after I finished praying and I knew it was all Him.

And God took care of me by putting me on the same team as my former co-leader and friend, Shay. She is such an inspirational prayer warrior and mentor. She's so encouraging and uplifting. Truly an amazing woman! And then I met Rhonda, another amazing woman of God that just took me under her wing and encouraged me so that I could encourage others.  It was a great experience in every way.

After I was done serving, I went to the Clay Christmas parade to watch my baby girl march.

I have really been dreading Christmas this year. Actually every year since my divorce has been hard because not only am I single but the kids are grown--well, 2/3 are anyway. It gets more difficult to find gifts for them that I can afford and much of the magic of Santa and the wonder in their little faces are just not as present as they were when they were much smaller. It's hard and last year, my ex decided that it was time to stop doing Christmas for the kids together. We managed to keep things pretty much the same for the first two Christmases after we split but last year he decided he did not want to be a part of our Christmas Eve festivities. And this year it's his turn to have them Christmas Eve (even though they will still come to dinner at mom's--he knows better than to mess with that! lol) and I will be in my apartment all alone. I haven't really wanted to think about it.

But about a week or so ago, I had a dream about my Maw Maw. Almost 18 years after she passed away and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. No matter what's going on, she is still very much a presence in my life. But I rarely dream about her. The dream was kind of weird and really isn't that important except that I could feel her spirit so close. When I woke I realized that I had put up my Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving as always and it usually takes me a few more weeks to actually get everything situated the way I want it so I've been messing around with things and arranging them. Many of the decorations are ones that she actually handmade for me and I think touching them and looking at them so much must have put her on my mind even more. 

But I told my mom about my dream because I think sometimes my mom thinks we don't think about Maw Maw much anymore or care that she's gone. I wanted her to know that is far from the truth. I still miss her VERY much.  I wish that she could have seen my cousins' children and Brooke and my sisters' children. She only ever met Dylan and Kayti and they were very young when she died. I doubt they have many memories of her that we haven't given them.

But in talking with my mom, she reminded me how much Maw Maw loved Christmas. It was her favorite time of year. She never had much but she always loved making homemade candy, decorations and gifts and just being with family and it occurred to me that maybe that's what she was trying to tell me--that there was no reason to dread Christmas no matter what is going on. Just focus on good things and enjoy your loved ones because you never know when they won't be around anymore.  And it has hit home even more since hearing of so many friends that have lost people lately, especially moms. I know their hearts are broken and all I can do is pray for Jesus to wrap His sweet, loving arms around them and comfort them. I really have no reason to be depressed about my situation. Sure, it's different and I'll always miss what used to be. But there isn't much sense in sitting around pining for it because there is nothing I can do to get it back. 

So I'm going to do what my Maw Maw and my Jesus wants me to do--embrace it.  I'm listening to Christmas music every day, getting myself in the spirit! I'm going to make plans, go all out with food and decorations (as much as my budget will allow!), start new traditions and just enjoy every part of it. Since I don't get to be "Santa" this year, I'm going with a theme for the kids gifts: Something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. 

We will still go to candlelight services at church and to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life and we will still drive around and look at lights. Those things will be the same. But I may go see a movie Christmas Day by myself! I'm going to experiment with some recipes since I don't get to cook much anymore. I'm going to spend time with my dog and read and write. I'm going to do something for others that they aren't expecting. I will give all I can give into making Christmas great because our God gave all He could give--His Son, who would later become our Lord and Savior.

I study Advent scriptures and God shows me something new each time. But most of all, I think this is the first year that I've realized that the nativity, while amazing, is about more than a precious baby's divine birth. I think this is the first time in my life that it really hit me that He came to die. I knew in my head but I think this is the first year I got heart knowledge of that fact. I mean, myrrh! He was given burial oil at His birth! There's a clue! lol But oh...I just have no words. The ways God works...who can understand it? But oh how we ought to appreciate it. Oh how we ought to have a burning desire to know more because His Word says, Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come. Jeremiah 33:3

I do pray your Christmas is one to remember! Be blessed!