I tried I really did but Christmas this year is just going to be going through the motions. That's it. And I can't wait for it to be over!
I have tried to make memories with my kids and instill in them to value other things more than presents--time with family, a reverence for the occasion (even if they don't believe in the reason), making things, seeing things...but they don't care. They aren't spoiled for material things (well, maybe Brooke is and I don't know how. It's not like she gets a lot but she sure does want a lot! And she has expensive taste!) but they could really care less about participating in any of what I would consider the "fun" of the season.
All I asked of them was to come to candlelight services, ride around and look at lights and the Saturday come to dinner and then go to the Alabama Theatre to see It's a Wonderful Life like we do every year. I told them all at least three times. I even invited Kayti's friend, who lost her own mother a few months ago, to come along with us. The only one to do what I asked without complaining, without forgetting was Dylan.
Brooke had to work Saturday, which I understand and knew it was a possibility that she would have to work at least one of the nights. I'm not upset about that. But come Friday and we're ready to go and she's laying up in the bed! When I said something to her she tried to pretend I never told her even though we talked about it THREE TIMES. She has my sister's act down pat of trying to make the mom think she's crazy!
At the same time I'm upset with Brooke and we are screaming at each other, Kayti, who had previously informed me that they didn't want to go look at lights because she needed to take her friend to do stuff (that they could have done earlier in the day) chimes in that they are going to go on and meet me there. It just hit me at the wrong time--I mean what, we can't even all ride together? She and I screamed at each other and she ended up not going at all either.
I stayed pretty upset with them all day Saturday and had not went to the store to get anything to fix for dinner so we made plans to meet downtown and then I get told by Kayti that she isn't going to that either. My entire weekend was pretty much ruined. I just wanted to spend time with my kids but I was made to feel like that was such an inconvenience and that I was being ridiculous for wanting that.
As a single mom, I have NO BACKUP whatsoever. Their dad used to be a great co-parent. But in the last six months or so, he acts like he doesn't want to be bothered and then turns everything back around on me. My mom, the wisest mother I know, just wants to be grandma and doesn't want to get involved. I understand that. But my gosh, I need some help! I know a big part of the way they act is just being teenagers. I get that. But what am I supposed to do? Let them keep acting like selfish little brats and hope they somehow grow out of it? Apparently that's the way most people parent these days. No attempts are made to teach kids right from wrong, respect, etc. I remember being the same way but I also remember getting my head slapped off a few times! And I don't want to discipline from rage and bitterness. I need to be able to walk away until I get control and normally there would be another parent to step in and take over until things calm down. But single moms don't have that advantage. And before you say, just go in another room you should know two things: 1) this house is small 2) it really doesn't help.
So I took today to myself. I slept in then got ready, went shopping, got my nails and toes done and went shopping some more. And I am not a typical woman--I HATE shopping.
And I did something else I hate to do today--I bought gift cards. I hate gift cards. It's the equivalent of saying, "You really aren't worth the trouble to think of a unique gift and this is how much I was willing to spend on you." But you know what I decided? Some people ARE too much trouble and this IS all I can spend!
I'm also not baking this year. I made fudge and Martha Washington already this year. That's enough. Anything else I want, I'm sure Wal-mart makes it. But I really don't need it. And who has time? And nobody cares.
I just really wish I could sleep until Friday. I hate feeling like this. But no matter what I do, I can't snap out of it. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with some that have passed away recently. They were loved and are missed. I'm not so sure about myself sometimes. And I'm so ready to be with the Lord. I'm so over this life. I can't seem to figure out who I am since my divorce. I'm no longer someone's wife and while I'll always be somebody's mom, it's not the same as when they were younger. I'm not called to do missions, adopt/foster, go into ministry. I'm not buck wild like I was when I first got divorced and not really interested in dating much. I do outreach and serve at church and I enjoy it. But I just feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more now and I'm just stuck. I just give up.
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