Today I am thankful for prayer. Not only for the prayers I pray for myself. But also for the prayers I pray for others, especially my children, family and close friends.
Going even further than that, I am thankful that when my heart hurts so badly and I can't think straight; when I don't have the words or mental and emotional ability to pray I can:
1) Ask close friends to pray for me and I have been blessed with some awesome prayer warrior friends or
2) Ask the Holy Spirit to pray and intercede for me.
Today I had to do both as I have been deeply grieved for many reasons.
It started out with me getting my feelings hurt. I shouldn't have. I should understand that my kids are grown and at the age where they are just so wrapped up in their own little lives that they aren't always the most considerate. But the enemy whispers in my ear, "It's your fault. You didn't raise them right. You failed as a mother. You were selfish for a while and now they are paying you back." among other things. I know that none of that is true. And even if it were true, I have been redeemed in whatever area I might have fallen short. I mean, just look at them! I must have done something right along the way. But I love them so much and miss them terribly and I especially miss when they were little and not only needed me but WANTED me. It's hard. It feels so good to know you did your job as a parent and did it so well that they aren't the leaches I see so many young adults being but at the same time, when you have done your job...well, it can be a little lonely.
So the day didn't go like I'd planned and that ALWAYS infuriates me. I don't think I will ever learn that I can't plan out every minute and sometimes I'm just going to have to roll with it. I tried, I really did but the drive home I just kept hearing the enemy's voice, "You have nothing. Your friends have their own lives. Your children don't want to be around you. Your family thinks your crap. You have no marriage, no relationship, no real career. You only have fat and a bunch of bills and that's all you're ever going to have."
I know I have to stop playing these thoughts over and over again in my head. I've done two semesters of LIFE and two semesters of DivorceCare in addition to six months of professional therapy. Yet sometimes I feel I have learned nothing. And how can I really expect to help others be free when I sometimes revert back into bondage myself?
My gut instinct is still and probably always will be to reach out to the ex. Always a mistake. Though he hasn't moved on to anyone else he has moved on from me. He has stopped caring. And it breaks my hurt. For thirty years my life has been about him. It's a tough habit to break. Whenever anything good happens, he's the first person I think of to tell. Whenever I feel depressed or sad, I want to call him. I have to stop and I know this but sometimes I just can't. God knows I have tried to move on but somehow I just keep going back to that wrong way of thinking and that is that I want to turn back the clock. And I can't. And I get mad because I can't. Same ol' stuff. Same demons just a different day.
And then, just when I think my life is just crap I find out about a friend whose brother is incarcerated and dying. And the state refuses to treat him because he's a lifer. To them, his life is worth nothing. And I know people that don't know him and don't know the family probably think he's getting what he deserves or something and what a waste it would be to help him when he will never contribute anything productive to society. And many people who think this way are supposedly Christians. It blows my mind but maybe I would feel that way too if I didn't see how his life IS valuable to the people that love him. My heart breaks for my friend and her family. I feel powerless and I want to pray but I'm so angry about it. What is Jesus' problem? Why can't He just come back already and take us all out of this horrible place that the world is sometimes?
Yeah, trusting God is really hard. I know He understands what I feel and wants me to talk to Him about it. But today I just can't. I had to call in reinforcements. So if you're reading this, please intercede for me today. And pray that I'll be able to pray for myself tomorrow!
I will be very thankful!
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