THE post

I'm sorry it's probably not as exciting as I made it out to be and sorry for the delay. I really wanted to wrap my head around it and make sure I was not posting in anger or out of frustration. I really don't care that much about what happened but I do find the subject matter fascinating.

It started out in my head as a blog ranting about men. But I'm honest enough to admit women are or can be just as bad. So this is about people in relationships and why the do they dumb stuff they do!

I will not be mentioning any names. Those close to me may know or figure out who I'm talking about and if so, I trust you will protect the identity of those involved. Like I said, I'm not angry and have nothing against any of them. This is just for discussion among friends or my own inner dialogue. Whatever. Everyone else does not need to know. I'm sure you know someone like this and can relate just as well.

A few years back after I went through my divorce and got out of the abusive relationship that followed it, I went a little wild. I had been married for the previous twenty-one years and never dated much before that. I wanted to experience things. I did. And some of them were great memories even if not the best of decisions at the time. But I met someone MUCH younger than me and we struck up a friendship. It turned out, being from the same community, that we had several people in common. We had many great conversations and he made me feel good about myself and restored some of the self-esteem that had been eroded in previous months. I'm sure I boosted his self-esteem also. Many young men are quite fascinated with the thought of an older woman. So it worked out well for both of us.

Even though we really only "met" in person a few times, we remained good friends, keeping up with each other's lives and encouraging one another ever so often. But I had no designs on him for any kind of real relationship and I'm sure he didn't have any on me either. Eighteen years is a big age difference. I know it has worked out for some. But it's not for me.

Fast forward to the last year or two and he became involved in a serious relationship (or so I thought, I really don't know) and I turned my life around and over to God. No, I'm not perfect. But I DO try to follow the Holy Spirit's lead as much as I can and I have not "dated" anyone for well over a year and haven't really wanted to. Maybe I've also become a little jaded about relationships. The good Lord and close friends know I have dated some, shall we say, not-so-desirable men. Spiritually speaking, of course. And let me just say right here, this friends-with-benefits stuff is for the birds! Or at least not for me.

Anyway, I made the decision in July 2013 that I would let God bring someone into my life if it was meant for me to be with anyone and if not, that's quite alright, too. I am perfectly happy as far as romantic relationships go. I'm just not the kind of woman that NEEDS a man at all times. I can support myself. I have my children, family, great friends, my dog and keep myself busy and centered (most of the time). I also like having control of the remote and hogging the covers!  I have been on a few dates this past summer. But I just wasn't feeling like it was what God wanted for me.

A few weeks ago, the gentlemen that I mentioned earlier started messaging me out of the blue. It was friendly for the most part but we also took a little trip down memory lane if you know what I mean. Though I appreciated the sentiment, I let him know that my life was not about that anymore and then ended the conversation.

Well, Saturday afternoon, he started messaging me again. Now, I need to mention this has happened before but not in the last year or so. And always before, except for those few times, nothing ever came of it. Every time after nothing would happen, I assumed that he was just curious to see if I was still game and since at that time I would have been, that was all he really wanted. No harm no foul. Just all talk.

So Saturday night, I guess you could say I decided to call his bluff. I asked him WHY he would want to do this when he has a girlfriend and seemed happy. I mentioned that more than a few times. He really didn't have an explanation. So once again, I figured he was just trying to see if I would go for it. Or maybe he wanted his girlfriend to find out and see if she would be mad and fight for him. (I don't put anything past anyone anymore) because that's exactly what happened!

After going back and forth for several hours and me basically telling him, come on (put up or shut up, knowing the entire time, he wasn't putting anything up!) I went home and went to bed around 2:30 a.m. (I had been out with friends).

I got up around 5 a.m. to use the restroom and saw I had messages and they were from his number but it was his girlfriend! I guess she found his phone after he passed out. Or maybe he showed it to her. I don't know. I don't really care. She was understandably upset and called me some names.

Now this always fascinates me about women. They ALWAYS blame the other woman. Why is that? The other woman has no commitment to you whatsoever. Women should be mad at the MAN! He's the one that is doing something wrong. Now, if the couple is married and the other woman knows that, I understand being upset and calling someone a "homewrecker". But otherwise, there is no home to wreck. And maybe it's best we women find that out before there is! And while going after a man that supposedly has a girlfriend may be "uncool", it happens. If you want real commitment, get a ring. Otherwise, he's fair game. I'm sorry but he is. Not that I make a habit of it personally, I'm just saying!

But I have been in her shoes and my relationship at the time was less committed than hers and I was still upset with the other woman at first. At first. But I quickly realized I was dating a douchebag and she had done me a HUGE favor. And I'm not about to fight anyone over a MAN. I haven't met one yet that is worth fighting for or over. Most women, though, never come to the realization that their anger is misplaced.

Now, I will say, I have been on ALL sides of this issue before. I have cheated, been cheated on, been the other woman--none of it is any fun. I am still coming to terms with the reasons why I cheated or was the "other woman". Both only happened once. And many people think that men and women cheat for different reasons--that for men, it's all about sex and getting some "strange" and women are seeking intimacy, comfort, etc. Eh, I don't think the reasons vary by gender. I think they vary by person. I know I was thinking like a man one of those times, at least in part. But it was much more complicated than that. Bottom line is I am not a man so I can't even begin to understand them or why they do the things they do. And praise the Lord, no two women are alike! :) So I do believe it's a personal thing--your issues, etc.

I usually assume that I will be the one to be hurt in any situation but that is not always the case. And I am or should have been wise enough to know that there was at least the possibility of her getting hurt even though I KNEW nothing was going to happen. Heck, he doesn't even know where I live and had he figured it out and actually showed up I would have sat him down and talked him out of it. The main reason being--that's just not me anymore. And he'd already been told that previously. But also because I did consider him a friend and after the hell I have gone through I would hate for ANYONE else to willingly go down that road. It just is not worth it! You hear me, people?

IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

If you have a shred of any kind of heart, the pain you will inflict on yourself is ten times worse than the pain the act of cheating inflicts on anyone else. They get over it. They can hate you and the hate helps fuel the healing for them. But you just wind up being hated. And that hurts. Really bad. And the ONLY One that can heal that kind of hurt is Jesus. And it doesn't happen overnight.

So back to the story...after I got her to calm down and understand what really happened (I did NOT go after him) I could tell she was hurt. She didn't understand. Who would? You think everything is great and wonderful and then you get sucker punched in the heart by someone you trusted. And I apologized because I should NOT have played along. Even though I knew it was all talk, well, words hurt. But even if I had said no right of the bat like I did on the other occasion, she could still have seen HIS words and I don't know how that could hurt any less.  Like I said, though, for some women, it does. If there is no woman around they make excuses for the man: "Well, he's just a man.", "They think with their...", "They can't help it. They are wired that way."

Sorry, this woman doesn't buy it. Women are wired to be sexual beings, too. But we somehow are expected to keep it in check. Well, if we can, they can, too.

I will say that one way men and women are different is when women cheat, men don't automatically blame the other man. No, he isn't their best friend. But men hold women accountable. Women do not hold men accountable. We excuse them. Some will say it's because we're more forgiving by nature. I don't know about that. I admit, I don't know much about anything and as each day passes, I feel like i know even less! Especially about men, dating and relationships! Maybe I should have stayed married.

Nah, I like my remote and hogging the covers!

I don't know what happened with them. I may not ever know and that's okay. It's not my business. I do hope they both wind up happy, whatever that looks like.

:)