Stuck...

For lack of a better word, I just feel stuck. I haven't felt like writing anything lately even though I have had PLENTY to say. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it to but it's not terrible either so I know I shouldn't complain but guess what? It's my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

A few weeks ago, I did and said some terrible things I should not have done. I got angry and I sinned in my anger. I have repented. I have asked forgiveness. I'm still waiting for it to be extended and whenever I have to wait for anything, I stew and think about all the things that made me angry in the first place and I get angry all over again.

I don't know where all this anger comes from. I have been in therapy. With a professional! They can't seem to figure it out either. I have prayed and turned it over to God a million times. I can do better for awhile but it always seems to find its way back somehow. I didn't have a horrible childhood. I wasn't neglected or abused. My life has been pretty normal. I've had bloodwork done, head scans, all that. I'm just one pissed off person sometimes and for apparently no reason. All anyone can seem to do is give me medication. And like I said, it helps for awhile.

I'm 44 years old and my life, while great in many ways, has not turned out like I had pictured it. I know most peoples' lives rarely do. But that doesn't make accepting reality any easier.

I do have three great kids and am relatively in good health. But I also have an ex husband that hates me deep down, friends that are scattered and have their own issues and not much time for me (and vice versa), family members that don't get me and have run low on patience with me and at times even make things worse. I can't manage money very well. I'm over-educated and underpaid. I'm overweight. My knees and legs hurt so much that it makes exercise difficult but I do it anyway. Then I can't sleep at night because of the pain. I run late all the time and have no motivation to do anything to make significant changes. I pray. I read. I do my homework. I work. I clean house. I feed the dog. I buy the groceries. I go through the motions. But that's all.

Today has been very emotional so far. Kayti's best friend's mom passed away a few days ago. I've been upset because she's upset and then thinking about that sweet girl who no longer has her mom...and then I think of all the times I have wanted to (and still do sometimes) give up on life and die and how my kids would have felt. I know I'm not the best mother in the world. I don't have any illusions about whether or not they would miss me because they love me so much but I do know it would affect them in some way and it just makes me all the more emotional.

So I do what I do best when I'm emotional. I pick a fight. It didn't take much really. The ex is still upset with me over the things that happened a few weeks ago. It's not so much that I want to fight with him, I just don't know what to do with these emotions. I can't stand that there is someone out there that hates me so much, particularly when we used to love each other so much and especially when we have three wonderful kids together. It tears me up inside but I can't seem to change it and because I can't change it, I get mad and make it worse.

I don't know. I know I'm spinning. Time to get off here and zone out for a minute.