One of those days!

Today, the devil must have decided to see how badly he could frustrate me because all day long, I have been completely frustrated.

It started with a headache. Then I discovered that in my efforts to prepare ahead and make my low-carb breakfast at night, I had completely forgotten to put it in the refrigerator after it cooled. So it sat out all night long--ham and eggs. I had to "just say no" to food poisoning. The headache was bad enough!

Then it was the usual traffic routine from Grayson Valley to Clay-Chalkville High School and then back down Deerfoot Parkway and onto the interstate where people drive too slowly, don't know how to merge and just tick me off in general with their idiotic driving! I watched a video recently on YouTube called "Christian Road Rage". It describes me perfectly. I get so completely irritated with traffic and people in general but since having been through the Church of the Highlands LIFE groups many times, I really do try not to speak words of death over people. But old habits are hard to break so I usually will scream out and quickly correct myself. It sounds something like, "You crazy douc---I mean you blessed child of God but PLEASE learn how to drive!" Hey, I'm trying. And God looks at the heart, right? Only sometimes my heart is not so great either and I'll get to that in a minute.

Then I get to work to discover the car insurance that I was going to pay in a few weeks has already come out of my account--ahead of other things I needed to pay THIS week. So now my finances are messed up yet again. And I'm frustrated. I have a degree in Finance and I cannot manage my own money. Mostly that's because there is not much to manage and things keep going up and up and up! I have got to figure something out and very soon. I cannot continue like this. I have paid my dues, done my time and worked my rear end off and I deserve to earn more. Yet at the same time, Pastor Chris' message this past week reminded me that I already do earn in the top 1% of the WORLD! Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. I am very grateful to have what I have even though by average American standards, it's still not much. But I'm NOT living beyond my means. I'm really not. I don't have a lot of debt either. I just need to get that income up to meet my expenses since I can't seem to get the expenses down. (I can't get rent much cheaper than this and I have NO CONTROL over the cost of food, utilities, gas and insurance.)

But I digress. I have been through much worse and while it's upsetting, it's not the end of the world. What hurt my feelings even more is that I still cannot break the habit of thinking of my ex the first thing. When ANYTHING happens, good or bad, I always think of him first. No, I wasn't asking for his help. Just telling him. For thirty years, dating, married, divorced, he automatically pops in my head and I can't stop that. And then I remember the cold, hard reality. He doesn't care anymore. He's over me and I need to get over him. And I don't know how to do that. It's not that I haven't tried. I've dated. I've tried to distance myself. I've been in therapy. I've prayed. But it's like I said before. Old habits are hard to break. And this is one that I'm not confident will ever be broken until someone else enters the picture. And I just can't bring myself to be in a hurry for that anymore.

So I get off work and head to Walmart to pick up my medicine and here is where my wicked heart comes in--my first thought is, "Oh em gee! It's like nursing home day at Walmart or something!" I kid you not, the pharmacy line was backed up into the Halloween decorations of older folks getting their medicine! And Walmart pharmacy is slow enough as it is. Every month I tell myself I have to find another pharmacy but I never get around to it before it's time to have my prescriptions refilled. No way did I have the patience to wait in that line and as I'm leaving empty-handed thinking about all those people I get angry with myself. Why do I think such things? I have learned fairly well to take every thought captive and not let it fester and definitely don't let it out of my mouth (for the most part--some things still slip!) but I wish I didn't think like that to begin with. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me deep down inside.  Surely other people don't think this way.

I decide that even though my finances are pretty tapped, I'll go ahead and do the ONE thing I do for myself every few weeks and get my nails done. I'm supposed to get them done every two weeks but I can usually stretch them into three (saving money where I can, even on the splurges!) and by that time, they are looking like they belong on the hands of a trailer park hooker! (No offense to my trailer park friends)  But guess what? The nail salon I love is busy and they can't take me. On a Tuesday? Are you kidding me? Oh well.

I proceed to Publix to pick up something low carb for dinner (and you would be surprised and how difficult it is to constantly eat low carb!). I'm thinking fajitas because I have low carb tortillas at home, cheese and sour cream already. So all I need is meat and seasoning. But I'm here to tell ya, Publix sure thinks a LOT of their meat! Pricey, they are. I finally found something and made it home in time to pour myself a glass of whine, I mean wine, sit down and decompress for a minute.

I am getting there. I will get there. I have lovely Christian friends that are praying me through and one reminded me today that God is not the author of confusion. So I know where all this came from and I also know why. If Satan can keep me off my game then those that are questioning will see me flailing and think, "Why bother?" Not that Satan is all that worried about me. I think he has bigger fish to fry most of the time. But he does know that if he can keep us all confused and frustrated then we lose our focus on the right things. It's hard to remember that sometimes but God understands. He knows life is hard and that's why it's important for us to be in relationship with Him and with each other. I am so thankful for Him and for my friends that gently remind me of this truth.

So I press on and remember David. He screwed up time and again. He did horrible things and made terrible mistakes. But he had a heart for God. He quickly and willingly humbled himself and repented and God remembered and blessed David. I'm no David. I'm just Michelle. I won't be a king or lead any armies but I definitely screw up and make mistakes! And I love the Lord with all my heart. I pray that all that I am will ultimately please Him. Even when I'm frustrated.