I went to stay with my mom the weekend after my last post and it did not go well. I went and spent the night with Christy after my race that morning and Jeff got it in his head that I was with Chris--who I talked to and apparently has decided he can't go through with things after all. But I honestly wasn't with him even though I wanted to be. After he called my dad and told him to "keep me", my mom took an overdose of pills and we had to do an intervention with her.
Long story short, I went home and have agreed to try and work things out with Jeff. We are starting counseling and have been trying to be better to each other. Things have been going pretty good but I still get feelings of panic and hopelessness from time to time.
And I still miss Chris. One minute I am thinking, "oh my god, how could I have let this happen? How could I have been attracted to him at all?" and the next I'm thinking, "Damn! How could he pick his fat, ugly wife over me?"
I'm so confused. Why do I need everyone to want me so bad? I know that's some kind of flaw within me...most of the time I dont know that I'll reciprocate, I just want to know that everybody wants me! It's crazy, I know.
But I think back to when Chris and I first started talking on facebook and it was so friendly, fun and innocent and I miss that. How did I let it get so out of control?
Oh well, since we don't get do-overs, I guess I will just have to deal. I will come out of this with one hell of a testimony for a saved marriage or I will at least be able to say with my head held high, "I did my absolute best."
We shall see...
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