Yesterday started out as a pretty bad day...I just had all those feelings of hopelessness again and I was missing chatting and sparring with Chris...then out of the blue, I get a text from him. My face lit up and my stomach dropped to my feet at the same time. I knew this was going to be a bad idea. He said he was just wanting to say hello, check and see how things were going and tell me he was going to pray for my job situation and that things work out with me and Jeff. That would have been fine but he started flirting again. I flirted back a little bit but then the more I thought about it the more it pissed me off. I know he goes on nights next week...is he wanting to line up a booty call or what?
Why does he think he can just jump in and out whenever he wants, whenever it's convenient for him. I had been telling Jeff that morning that I hate that things went so far and everything was all messed up because I missed his friendship more than anything and that maybe someday we could get back to that point...Jeff and I disagree somewhat on that point but nonetheless...I guess it won't ever happen.
That's sad to me because we have so many friends in common. I know we can be adult about it if we do ever happen to run into each other but it's sad that the fellowship and comradary is forever tainted.
And there's a part of me that still has very strong feelings for him so I know it's a bad idea to continue talking right now. It just messes with those emotions. If we'd agreed to be a booty call for each other from the beginning, maybe I could have handled that. At that point, my marriage was tanked anyway. But feelings came into play and now I can't turn back.
If I thought for a minute we had a future, I *might* be willing to take the risk I had previously thought about taking. But that doesn't seem to be what he wants. I don't doubt he has feelings for me too. But he isn't ready to lose everything and he may never be. That's fine. But I'm not throwing everything away without a little more and I can't be a friend right now without feeling like I will eventually want more.
I dont know if any of this is making sense. I dont really know what to do sometimes from one minute to the next. I just know that I want to try and do the right thing and that means cutting all ties for now. I will need time to mourn the loss of that "relationship" even though it was short-lived. And I will need time to bury these feelings. I will need time to rekindle the romance with my husband, to reestablish trust and to put the pieces of our marriage back together. We're trying, we really are.
So I boldly sent Chris a text this morning and told him to please leave me alone. He agreed. I'm okay right now but I know at some point the reality that it's really over is gonna hit me hard. I dont know how or why I fell for him so hard so fast. It makes no sense but who can ever makes sense of the heart? It wants what it wants.
Right now, I am tapping into supernatural help so that my brain can overrule my heart until my heart comes to its senses.
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