Decisions....

*sigh* where to begin...

I guess I'll just spit it out...some of you already know and since we've told the kids now, I guess there's no reason to keep it a secret any longer...

Jeff and I are separating.

There, I said it, now it's real.

I do not know whether or not we will divorce or be able to work through this. And I know many of you think this is a "mid-life crisis" thing. Think whatever you want but it's been coming for awhile now. The fact that we are 40 & 41 has very little to do with it. The truth is we've been growing apart for many years. I love him and I always will. He's a great man and a good father. I guess we just got married too young and now we are completely different people than we were 21 years ago. We want different things and as much as we try to share common goals and interests, it just isn't working. We are both miserable and we may be miserable apart as well but we have to find out.

The kids are doing well so far. Dylan and Kayti took it the hardest. Dylan is very smart and perceptive and he knew something was wrong and has been acting out and showing it so Jeff thought it best to go ahead and tell him. He teared up a little, Jeff said, but overall he's okay. I hate that this had to happen his Senior year but tell me...when is a good time?

Since Jeff had already told Dylan I decided it would be best to tell the girls separately also. Kayti and I spent the day together a few days ago and I told her. She was very upset, naturally. She told me about her friend's parents who are getting divorced but I told her we haven't decided to do that yet...one step at a time.

She was also worried about continuing to homeschool and I assured her that I was committed to making that happen no matter what. There will be some changes and adjustments to our routine (which would have happened anyway with her entering the 9th grade) but that as long as we were able to make it work, we would keep at it. Then she was upset that Dylan was going to stay with Jeff. Kayti and Dylan are VERY close. I told her that it was really up to Dylan but that regardless of what he decides, we intend to make sure the kids stay close. Dylan will stay here in the house with Jeff so he can finish up high school--plus all his woodworking stuff is here--it's not practical to set up all that equipment in an apartment. The girls and I are getting an apartment in Trussville, hopefully. First I have to get a job! Which brings me to another decision which I'll get to in a moment...

Brooke took it surprisingly well...or she seemed to. She's still so much of a kid that all she was really worried about was herself! Her questions pertained to how much HER life would change more than anything else. You gotta love her. I know deep down she has to be worried but she doesn't seem to show it. She's still her positive, happy little spitfire self. And for that right now, I'm very grateful.

So the job decision...I'm leaving teaching for awhile and going back into finance. Unless I found a director's position somewhere, daycare just doesn't pay enough and though I'm not particularly fond of corporate America, I'm glad I have that degree to fall back on. I'll be able to support myself and the kids relatively well, I think. Just have to find the right job.

My dreams of starting my own center are not vanquished. They are just put on hold right now. I know that's God's plan for me and that He'll use this time to prepare me better for it. What the devil intended to use to distract me from what God wants, God will use to make better.

Speaking of God, my faith has been hanging on by a thread lately. I know that God does not like divorce (even though that hasn't really been decided) and I know the decisions we've made lately don't line up with His Word. But I also know that He still loves me, wants to prosper me and will use this somehow someway.

Last night, I finally made the decision to give it ALL completely over to Him. Right now, I don't feel as though I even WANT my marriage to work out but I know with God, all things are possible. If He chooses to change my heart, it'll happen and I've left it completely up to Him. But it will have to be a total heart change. I'm not capable of making a conscious choice to do something that goes against what my heart wants, even if it is what I should do. I'm sorry if that disappoints some of you. I am who I am.

I've also decided to give up certain distractions in my life for now...like Facebook. It's been a wonderful tool in helping me develop friendships and get reacquainted with long lost friends. But it's also been detrimental in a lot of ways if I'm being completely honest. I don't think it's "evil" or anything like that...like I said, I just need to purge certain things for the time being and focus on more important things. The friends I've reconnected with, I will still stay in touch with--they aren't the problem. It's really how I spend my time and what I spend my time thinking about--useless stuff like status shuffle and farmville! lol (though the farm has withered in the last few weeks) I also need to back away from sharing my every random thought with the masses.

So I'll probably be blogging a lot more--writing is my saving grace! And without FB and some other things, I'll be able to focus on becoming employed, my relationship with God, my relationships with my children, figuring out who I am and who I want to be, working on my writing more...lots of things.

I would very much appreciate your prayers during this time. I don't know what to ask you to pray for specifically...just grace I guess. Lots and lots of grace...comfort, peace..wisdom, discernment--all of the things I am strongly lacking these days.

For those of you who continue to love me no matter how badly I've screwed up--I love you back! More than you know! For those who are disappointed in me right now...all I can say is I'm sorry that I let you down. I hope that you will one day be able to understand and forgive any hurt or disappointment I've caused you. I hope that somehow, you'll be able to see some faith in action through what's happening to me but don't focus your attention on me--focus it on Him. He's perfect, I'm most definitely not.

Stay blessed because I most definitely love and appreciate all of you!