Jailbird!

Well...where to begin!

I last posted Friday, July 19 and shared about having a lot of emotion regarding my ex husband dating again.

Yes, I know I have no RIGHT to feel that way. But really, when do our emotions ever listen to reason? I KNOW this! And for the past two and have a years I haven't given much thought to the fact that one day he might date again...but I shared all that already. So let me summarize by saying...I lost control.

I have ALWAYS been a little on the aggressive side. Spontaneous (not that I don't plan or think things through...I actually DO a lot but sometimes I don't), explosive at times...

And I had many friends try and talk me down off the ledge and each time I felt better for a bit but it just didn't last. You see, when I don't get what I want, I pray. I argue. I reason with God. I beg, plead, bargain. And then I try to control, force, manipulate... I do not know where I developed these instincts or why but they have been that way for as long as I can remember. I am wretched. That's all I can say about it.

But I COMPLETELY lost conrol and I began harassing my ex...somewhat. I made some threats. I didn't mean any of it and it's nothing I haven't said to him before, especially when I feel cornered by him (and I did) and it's nothing he hasn't said to me in the thirty years that we've known each other. But I never once took him seriously and can't imagine why he took me seriously. I never ONCE considered having him put in JAIL and would never have thought he would either. But he did.

He called the Sheriff and the deputy that was dispatched...the BEST thing I can say about him was that he was physically attractive. Otherwise, pardon the term but he was a REAL PRICK!

You see the argument and the threats were made early Saturday. I slept most of the day then decided to pull myself out of my funk, got dressed up, went to get Kayti's computer and went to Starbucks to use the wifi. While I was there, I started chatting with Dina and she could tell I was really struggling and said she would come meet me and we could talk. We left Starbucks, went to my house and even though she didn't say to me anything I hadn't already heard from other friends, I was starting to feel better just having company.

And then there was knock at the door from a prick. He stated he was there to investigate a complaint from my ex about harassing communication. I told him I had nothing to say about it and I asked if I was being arrested. He said that not at the moment (at that time I had NO KNOWLEDGE that my ex had NOT signed an official compliant and that this deputy had assured my children that I would NOT be arrested) but that if I didn't talk to him he would arrest me for obstruction of justice an interfering with a police investigation.

So I agreed to talk to him and he started getting in my face telling me what I could and couldn't say, etc. He asked me about a few specific texts and I admitted that I sent one. I did NOT send the other. But he kept telling me he'd seen it. I told him he was effing crazy that I did NOT say that...why would I admit to one and not the other when the one I admitted to was clearly WORSE?

Then he said if I cussed at him again he would arrest me for disorderly conduct. So I shut up. Then he told me I needed to come out to his car and talk to him so I went. Barefoot. Then he asked me if I had been drinking and I said, yes, I had earlier. That's when he informed me that he could arrest me for being drunk in public. That INFURIATED me and I EXPLODED!

I said, "Look, (insert cursing insult here), I wasn't drunk in PUBLIC. I was drunk in my house (actually I wasn't drunk AT ALL)! You made me come into PUBLIC!"

At that time he said, "I told you if you cursed at me, I was arresting you. You are now under arrest for disorderly conduct."

I was shocked but I turned to go get my shoes and told him so and that's when he and two other officers jumped me, bruising my left arm and throwing me into the back of the car! Then I was told I was going to be charged with Resisting Arrest.

He went over to give my phone to Dina (he either kept my driver's license or lost it but insists he gave it to her but didn't) and talked to her. Then he went back to my ex's and told him and my kids that I attacked him and it took three of them to get me into the car!

Yeah. Right. I'm such a gangsta!

I was really upset, angry, irritated....but I was NOT going to let this PRICK COP know that. I maintained my composure aka cockiness the entire process until I talked to my son and my cousin.

That is when I completely fell apart.

....to be continued

Hard stuff

Yes, I know it's been a while and there's several reasons for it.

Number one, I have been busier at work. I'm learning some of the accounting stuff and it's hard to wrap my mind around the system. Yes, I know I have a degree in Finance but I majored in Finance because majoring in Accounting was hard! And I understand the concepts but the software they use is tricky and my keyboard sucks and is giving me carpal tunnel!

I'll give you the good news first--I am official a graduate student of the University of North Alabama! I start classes in the Fall. I received my unconditional acceptance letter Tuesday. I am VERY excited but also very nervous. I hope I'm doing the right thing! I already have financial aid in place and so I'm all set to go. It's totally online. I will just have to juggle everything, as usual. But I'm completely committed to my new fitness goals and the ministry I'll be involved in. And of course church and work are priorities so I guess we'll see how school will fit in. It may be a slow process. We'll just have to see how difficult the courses are and how well I adapt to being back in school after 16 years. But I've gotten quite a bit of encouragement.

I also did a two week trial of boot camp that KICKED my butt! But I did it and I am proud of myself. It wasn't as hard on the knees as I expected and it has motivated me to keep doing SOMETHING in the mornings. But sadly, it won't be bootcamp. I got a $10 two-week trial from Groupon. Now that my trial period is up, it is REALLY expensive and this single mom just can't swing it. But I'm still walking/running and doing zumba and I'm motivated that by my birthday in April, I'll have a smokin' hot body again.

The bad news is, Jeff is dating again, finally after two years of us being divorced. I'm finding it much harder to deal with than I expected. For two years people have been telling me that God will restore us, God can do anything, etc. and I know He CAN. I just didn't know if I wanted Him to and honestly I STILL don't. Jeff is not a believer and the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. And I definitely don't want to go back to the doom and gloom that was the last few years of our marriage and neither of us were happy. He was tired and depressed all the time and I got tired of having to pump him back up all the time. I wasn't physically attracted to him much and then of course, I went batshit crazy (pardon the term).

But it has been hard. I guess hearing people say those things for so long and watching him STILL have my back and be a friend has just caused me to put it in the back of my mind as an option. Now it seems that option is going away and I don't like when I don't have a choice. I don't like not being able to control a situation and I CAN'T control what he thinks and feels. I can't even control what *I* think and feel.

There's a little bit of pride and jealousy. The thought of something that was once mine belonging to someone else frustrates me. My friend sent me a picture that said something like, "Don't worry when you see your ex with someone else. Your mom always said to give your old toys to the less fortunate!" But I was never one for giving away my favorite toys, even if I didn't play much with them. ;)

Another guy friend said he feels the same way and can only imagine how it feels for someone that has known the other person for 30 years and has 3 kids with them. It is hard.

I think the hardest thing about it is that I'm VERY nostalgic. When I realized my first baby was growing up and that being "mommy" to a young son was OVER, I flipped out. It is a difficult thing to know that there are parts of your life that you will NEVER get back again. I missed him being a baby, being little and my best friend and needing me every moment and I sometimes get so overwhelmed with wanting to go back and experience that awesome feeling one more time and to know that I can't just cuts so deeply. I can't stress enough to all the young mothers out there how quickly it goes by.

I think it's the same way with Jeff because he has been such a HUGE part of my life. To know that that chapter is over, never to be reread is devastating. Even if I am the one that closed it first.

And that's another thing. The guilt is STILL overwhelming. I pray and I pray and I know I'm forgiven and I think I have peace until I realize once again...it's over. It's really over. There is nothing I can do to fix it. If we did reconcile,what a testimony to God THAT would be. But I had lunch with my cousin, Sharae today. She's a little older and has experienced a lot of similar things. In fact, HER marriage was restored after she had an affair and they have been remarried now for 25 years.  But she told me something very important--it can't come from anything I do. If it is God's plan for us, it'll come from Him. The best thing that I can do is to do all I can to move closer to Him. Be quiet and still and pray that God will prepare Jeff's heart and that Jeff will also move closer to Him and as we both move closer to God, we move closer to each other. God's heart is for reconciliation but that doesn't always come in the form of remarriage.

And that's my biggest issue. I want to KNOW what God's plan is. I want to KNOW which way God is planning to move me so that I can prepare myself for whether or not I'm going to like it. Whether it is to be ANYONE's wife again or to be single the rest of my life serving Him, I just want to know. But I can't make Him reveal it any faster than He will. Faith in Him has to include faith in His timing and that is a really hard thing for me. So please pray for me. Pray for Jeff. Pray for our children.

Building up

Our words either build people up or tear them down. Choose to speak words of life. Proverbs 18:21

My wonderful pastor, Chris Hodges, tweeted this today from our One Year Bible (which I confess I have not looked at today). But it instantly made me smile because I was reminded of my two amazing daughters.

Many years ago, when they were little, we were attending a small church and we were very involved. I had also begun homeschooling and was doing my best to shape their little minds and hearts. But being 23 months apart and together almost all the time, naturally, they had quite a few sisterly spats.

One day in particular, I'd had it up to my ears with their constant bickering and I quoted this verse to them, rather angrily, which I know I should not have done. But my frustration got the better of me and I yelled at them:

"Why do you two fight ALL THE TIME? You are SISTERS! You should constantly be on each other's side. Stop tearing each other down and start building each other up!"

I kept meeting with protests:

"Well SHE..."

"But SHE..."

"And then SHE..."

I put my hands up. "STOP! I said. I'm done for today. Go to your room and do not come out until I tell you it's okay."

I was just hoping for a few minutes of peace and quiet so that I could grab the book of my guru, Lisa Whelchel and find some creative ways at handling their fights. And though I respect her greatly, I must confess to this DAY they still argue like lawyers! But anyway...

A few minutes later, Brooke poked her little head out the door and yelled for me, "Mommy?!"

'Oh great!' I thought. 'Here we go again already. I really do not want to spank them!' "What is it, Brooke?"

"Can we come out now? We're all built up!"

ROFLMBO! Out of the mouths of babes, for sure!

Be blessed and remember, keep building each other up!

A new perspective...

Yes, I know it's only been two days since my last blog post but as always, I'm always learning new things. Particularly now that I'm off facebook and fill my time with reading more worthy things than drama! Yep! Six days and counting!

I just finished Chapter 3 of the book I'm currently reading, The Cause Within You by Matthew Barnett who runs the L.A. Dream Center. I had the privelege of hearing him preach a few months ago, bought his book and yes, I'm just now getting around to starting it. But as always, God's timing is perfect as I've been praying and seeking His wisdom about a plan for my life, particularly in the area of ministry and missions.

A little background on the book and it's author...Barnett moved with his father to L.A. when he was 20 to help a historic church on the decline and found a new congregation among the poor and powerless people living on the streets of Los Angeles.  The Dream Center has been such a success that for their anniversary, Barnett decided to spend a night living on the streets with the people he felt called to love and serve. That night fired a new passion for his calling.

"As we pursue the cause that God has placed within us, we unknowingly reshape that dream to satisy our personal comfort level. The more time and energy we devote to the cause within us, the more likely we are to lose touch with the heartbeat of the original cause, redefining it according to our current desires, circumstances, needs, plans, and goals."

Oh most definitely! So many times I want to help people but then I struggle with stepping outside my comfort zone, as most people do. Why should we get our hands dirty when we can just write a check or do a fundraiser in our own comfortable neighborhood and give the money to the other people who have some kind of holier-than-thou desire to be among the hurting?

Now, of course, we can't all "go" everywhere. For example, for a long time, I had a heart for orphans and I still do. But we're not all called to adopt. Sometimes we are simply supposed to pray for and help others fulfill THEIR calling. So how do you know? Well, besides the obvious answer which is to pray and continually seek His will, I don't know. That's why I'm reading this book. Because like I said in previous post, I have no idea what my calling is anymore. I have things I'm passionate about. But just because we are passionate about something, doesn't mean we are called to it.

That said, I did identify with this chapter in my attitude toward the homeless. Anyone who has ever lived in or near a large, metropolitan area (and maybe even if you haven't) has most likely been approached by someone asking for help, usually in the form of money.

SO MANY of my peers have the attitude, "they need to get a job", "there are missions and legitimate places they can go for help, they just want money for drugs or booze", "if I help them they have no motivation to help themselves" and my personal favorite "they are there because of the choices they made."

My view has always been different, especially in the last few years when there came a time that I was close to being homeless myself, and that is--it isn't my place to determine whether the person's request is legitimate or not. That's God's job. God placed that person in my path for a reason and it's my job to help if I'm able (I don't always carry cash) but at the very least to respond kindly and encouragingly so as not to strip that person with what little dignity they have left. Because no matter what, whether they need food, are seeking a fix, or are there because of their own foolishness (and let's face it, who among us hasn't made foolish choices?) I totally agree with Matthew Barnett:

"Every human being has the right to basic dignity, but the disdain heaped on [people on the street] by people whom [they] are simply seeking help or understanding, chip away at it. It [is] hard enough to muster the courage to approach total strangers and throw oneself on their mercy."

I've never had to live on the streets. But I have had to ask for help and have been forced to accept help. Believe me, after a while, you question your self-worth and reason for living. There is no lower feeling. THINK before you do that to someone. I'm not saying hand over your wallet and car keys. I'm just saying, be nice! It's not hard.

So maybe that doesn't fall under "new" perspective. But it's definitely refreshing!

I guess what might fall under a new perspective would be my relationship with the Auburn fan! Two weeks ago, I'd decided his issues were too great to take on for someone who wasn't exactly sure how he felt about me. But I texted him Friday, just to let him know that I was no longer on facebook--I didnt want him to think I'd blocked him like SOME people do!--and to find out how the job search was going. We chatted for a minute and then he cut the conversation short saying he had to go cut grass. :( I was disappointed and thought well, that's that. Move on. You're the one that decided to cut him loose, stop being a baby.  And even though I know rejection (in this case, him not expressing any real feelings, well not since the picture incident anyway) is God's way of saying "wrong direction" and usually isn't a big issue for me, it still hurt a little.

But surprise! The very next afternoon, HE texted me! We wound up spending the rest of the weekend together, having a great time as usual. I don't want to drop the L word too soon but I care about him a great deal. If nothing else, I do want to be a great friend and show him that his life is valuable. Right now, he's a little down about a lot of things. So my "new perspective" here is to just roll with it. Pray hard for the Lord to protect my heart, to take it slow and accept it for what it is, allowing God to make it what it will be.

I'm reminded of  Psalms 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart"

I know that He will either change circumstances to match my heart or change my heart to match circumstances, as long as I keep my focus on Him, it's all good!

Many blessings!

Boredom! um...I mean, Be Still!

Day Three of No Facebook! I've not even peeked. Not once. And yes, I will be honest. I'm going a little crazy. Particularly since my job is what it is--boring. I've tried to busy myself with reading my Bible and other things. I actually finished a Christian Fiction book in TWO days but she (Neta Jackson) is one of my favorite authors and her books are always fascinatingly interesting to me. I've been with this storyline now for I think a total of 11 books--6 from the Yada Yada series, 4 from a spinoff series and now another spinoff series. I almost bought book 2 yesterday but I decided to not spend any money on it just yet. I'm still trying to be very careful with my expenditures. And I still have a lot of other things already that I need to read.

I do miss some people. But most know how to find me if they want me badly enough. Others, I'm probably better off not being kept abreast of their drama.

I've done a lot of prayer and reaching out to a few people that I have wronged. They were not easy letters to write. But God helped me through it and now it's done. Whether or not they forgive is really up to them and has no bearing on me whatsoever. The resolution in my heart is that I asked. I have one more person to reach out to and then I can honestly say "it is well with my soul".

I miss my Auburn fan but he apparently doesn't miss me and that hurts a little. I'll be fine. I've been through much worse. I just wish I knew what happened. It's the unknown and unresolved stuff that always bothers me no matter what it is.

I'm trying to focus on my health, my budget, the kids, making plans etc....it's just not my nature to not be busy all the time. Though I know it's good for me.

So I'm trying to "be still". Eighteen more days to go. I can do this.

Random thoughts...

Yes, I deactivated facebook again. We'll see how long it lasts this time lol. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit and the account is actually scheduled for deletion in 14 days so we'll see how far we get with my latest attempt at "going off the grid".

But I've been reading up a lot lately about spiritual warfare and actually speaking your dreams into existence! I've always been a little hesitant to do this, especially lately because when I have in the past and they haven't come to fruition, I've felt like a failure or at the very least, an idiot. But people change and so do dreams. I once dreamed of opening my own preschool but it's not my passion anymore. Honestly, I'm not really sure what it is. I have a direction that I want to take my career--back to Human Resources. But I'm not really sure that's what I'm "called" to do.

Other than writing, which I have a really hard time coming up with a plan for that other than this blog, I don't really feel strongly about anything anymore. I still love hearing adoption stories but I know it's not God's plan for me to adopt. I still desire to do short-term missions but don't have a strong calling for any particular area.

So I guess taking this time to fast, to unplug from as much as I can so that I can really hear from God and battle some strongholds that the enemy has over my life is my attempt at trying to get a clear vision for what His plan is. Please, please pray because I desperately need His direction.

I have applied to UNA for their Executive MBA program. I have applied for a job in HR with Protective Life. I want these things. But does God want these things for me?

I am dreaming of going to Israel next year with Church of the Highlands. Since I don't feel strongly about any area in need, I though maybe a pilgrimage to the Holy Land would be a good way to really make the Bible come alive for me in a new way.

I am dreaming of losing about 50 more pounds so that my knees and mobility will improve because I dream about hiking part of the Appalachian Trail and the Grand Canyon.

I am dreaming of becoming a women's ministry speaker and writer. I feel like the testimony of my divorce and my experiences since then will help some people. I know it's already helped a few.

I am dreaming of joining a ministry this Fall called DivorceCare in which I will gain some practical experience in leading those affected by divorce.

I am dreaming of falling in love again with the perfect man God has for me. Many people say that is my ex-husband and that God will restore us. I am not sure. I don't doubt for a minute that God can do it, I just don't know that that is His plan. Although he is still one of my best friends and I love him dearly, I still don't love him like a wife should and he knows this. Even if I did, he is not open to any reconciliation. Further, he is not a believer and until he becomes one (if he ever does), it would not be wise for either of us to remarry each other.

But regardless of who God chooses, I want him to not only be willing to pray with me, for me, hold my hand in church, be an upstanding man of good character and love me as Christ loves the church, he must also be fun, attractive, funny, full of life and energy, goal oriented and positive. I want to be passionately in love again. It's one of the best feelings in the world and I miss it. I got a taste of it recently. But it was simply with the wrong person, apparently. That's okay. I DO trust the Lord and will wait.

I just finished my Pastor's book, Fresh Air and I highly recommend it! I can't say enough good things but it will help you put EVERYTHING in perspective. Probably the most important thing I took away from it is that we worship God not for us, but for Him. I'm not sure how to put into words what I would love for you to understand but Pastor Chris does so please pick up a copy of that book! You will not regret it!

But I DO love the Lord with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. I see His awesomeness everywhere I look. I truly desire to sing praises to Him (though I'm not sure my voice is such a joyful noise!) and to let the Holy Spirit take over my life--all of me for all of Him! I want the curses on my family lifted and I know that when I cast them out in the name of Jesus they MUST go!

I will live in prosperity in all areas of life. I will be able to be healthy and wealthy enough to help those who need it and will do all I can to further the kingdom. This I claim in the mighty and precious name of Jesus!

Be blessed!

Happy Birthday, Kayti!

This past year with Kayti has definitely been one of challenges. Between her therapy for her anger issues, body image issues, eating disorder, adjustment issues, etc. and her first boyfriend, that just happened to be one that influenced her to make bad decisions, it hasn't been easy for any of us.

But I am VERY proud to be her mom! She is dependable, smart and getting more and more confident every day in her ability to be a strong, independent young woman. She just started working at her first real job a few weeks ago and is eager to get her own bank account, her car fixed and flex her wings a little.

She is striving to score high on the ACT so she can be eligible for a scholarship to 'bama and is excited to move to T-town next year and live with her brother again.

She still proclaims her atheism. But I sense she is really just angry and struggling as I have at times myself. I know that seeds were planted very young and God's Word promises that nothing can snatch us from His hand once we are His. I'm standing on that promise and praying for her relationship with Him to be healed. I know He hasn't left nor forsaken her.

Happy 17th Birthday, Sara Kaytlan Quick! I love you VERY much!