Hard stuff

Yes, I know it's been a while and there's several reasons for it.

Number one, I have been busier at work. I'm learning some of the accounting stuff and it's hard to wrap my mind around the system. Yes, I know I have a degree in Finance but I majored in Finance because majoring in Accounting was hard! And I understand the concepts but the software they use is tricky and my keyboard sucks and is giving me carpal tunnel!

I'll give you the good news first--I am official a graduate student of the University of North Alabama! I start classes in the Fall. I received my unconditional acceptance letter Tuesday. I am VERY excited but also very nervous. I hope I'm doing the right thing! I already have financial aid in place and so I'm all set to go. It's totally online. I will just have to juggle everything, as usual. But I'm completely committed to my new fitness goals and the ministry I'll be involved in. And of course church and work are priorities so I guess we'll see how school will fit in. It may be a slow process. We'll just have to see how difficult the courses are and how well I adapt to being back in school after 16 years. But I've gotten quite a bit of encouragement.

I also did a two week trial of boot camp that KICKED my butt! But I did it and I am proud of myself. It wasn't as hard on the knees as I expected and it has motivated me to keep doing SOMETHING in the mornings. But sadly, it won't be bootcamp. I got a $10 two-week trial from Groupon. Now that my trial period is up, it is REALLY expensive and this single mom just can't swing it. But I'm still walking/running and doing zumba and I'm motivated that by my birthday in April, I'll have a smokin' hot body again.

The bad news is, Jeff is dating again, finally after two years of us being divorced. I'm finding it much harder to deal with than I expected. For two years people have been telling me that God will restore us, God can do anything, etc. and I know He CAN. I just didn't know if I wanted Him to and honestly I STILL don't. Jeff is not a believer and the Bible says not to be unequally yoked. And I definitely don't want to go back to the doom and gloom that was the last few years of our marriage and neither of us were happy. He was tired and depressed all the time and I got tired of having to pump him back up all the time. I wasn't physically attracted to him much and then of course, I went batshit crazy (pardon the term).

But it has been hard. I guess hearing people say those things for so long and watching him STILL have my back and be a friend has just caused me to put it in the back of my mind as an option. Now it seems that option is going away and I don't like when I don't have a choice. I don't like not being able to control a situation and I CAN'T control what he thinks and feels. I can't even control what *I* think and feel.

There's a little bit of pride and jealousy. The thought of something that was once mine belonging to someone else frustrates me. My friend sent me a picture that said something like, "Don't worry when you see your ex with someone else. Your mom always said to give your old toys to the less fortunate!" But I was never one for giving away my favorite toys, even if I didn't play much with them. ;)

Another guy friend said he feels the same way and can only imagine how it feels for someone that has known the other person for 30 years and has 3 kids with them. It is hard.

I think the hardest thing about it is that I'm VERY nostalgic. When I realized my first baby was growing up and that being "mommy" to a young son was OVER, I flipped out. It is a difficult thing to know that there are parts of your life that you will NEVER get back again. I missed him being a baby, being little and my best friend and needing me every moment and I sometimes get so overwhelmed with wanting to go back and experience that awesome feeling one more time and to know that I can't just cuts so deeply. I can't stress enough to all the young mothers out there how quickly it goes by.

I think it's the same way with Jeff because he has been such a HUGE part of my life. To know that that chapter is over, never to be reread is devastating. Even if I am the one that closed it first.

And that's another thing. The guilt is STILL overwhelming. I pray and I pray and I know I'm forgiven and I think I have peace until I realize once again...it's over. It's really over. There is nothing I can do to fix it. If we did reconcile,what a testimony to God THAT would be. But I had lunch with my cousin, Sharae today. She's a little older and has experienced a lot of similar things. In fact, HER marriage was restored after she had an affair and they have been remarried now for 25 years.  But she told me something very important--it can't come from anything I do. If it is God's plan for us, it'll come from Him. The best thing that I can do is to do all I can to move closer to Him. Be quiet and still and pray that God will prepare Jeff's heart and that Jeff will also move closer to Him and as we both move closer to God, we move closer to each other. God's heart is for reconciliation but that doesn't always come in the form of remarriage.

And that's my biggest issue. I want to KNOW what God's plan is. I want to KNOW which way God is planning to move me so that I can prepare myself for whether or not I'm going to like it. Whether it is to be ANYONE's wife again or to be single the rest of my life serving Him, I just want to know. But I can't make Him reveal it any faster than He will. Faith in Him has to include faith in His timing and that is a really hard thing for me. So please pray for me. Pray for Jeff. Pray for our children.