Onward and upward....!

I took today off. I didn't plan to but last night brought on some unexpected turmoil and I needed a mental health day.

I'm still choosing to keep my blog public for now because of some links on it, the upcoming Rockathon, another fundraiser I'm helping with for Epilepsy Awareness, some ministry items and I just dont feel like putting everyone through the hassle of having to get a password again. I am not sure how many people actually read...no one comments here anymore, mostly they comment/message me on facebook so...

But because I'm staying public, I'm not going into detail about what was so upsetting. Those who need to know do and I'm not giving what upset me the satisfaction of knowing that it upset me. Just in case it's lurking around...

Just know I'm okay. If I had my celexa, it probably wouldnt have bothered me AT ALL. And the only reason it really did bother me had more to do with ME. *I* am the one that needs to forgive MYSELF. I thought I had but I'm finding it's a conscious choice that I have to do often, sometimes daily.

So I took the morning and took precautions to make sure that it doesn't have a chance of upsetting me again anytime soon. Because I didnt have the words really to pray for myself, I had a VERY sweet and dear friend (actually several) but one in particular stand in the gap for me.  I listened to my Highlands Worship CD over and over and over and slowly, I began to feel MUCH better! Oh how wonderful God is! And oh how I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends and my church!

Then I decided to take the opportunity to go visit with my mom. My mom and I haven't gotten along very well since my divorce. But I DO love her VERY much and I really DO want her in my life. I'm not naive enough to think that our relationship will ever be the same as it used to be--I'm finding out that when you make a horrible decision, not only do your choices have consequences for yourself but for others as well. Obviously, I didnt think it through because I never would have purposely put my kids through all they've been through but even so, I never could have imagined how adversely my choices affected so many others as well. It's done now. It's altered and can't be fixed. Not the way we would all like anyway (no, that's not to say I want my ex back now--I just wish things had been handled differently) I hope that makes sense.

I was talking to a good friend today and he was telling me about something in his life that on the one hand he wished had never happened but it's hard to really wish it away because that would mean taking away something good. And there have been some good things in my life since. So it's hard to know what to wish for and what to regret. Sometimes you just have to realize it is what it is and roll with it.

All of that said, my mom and I had a great visit. I also got to see my niece, nephews and all the other precious babies she keeps, including one of my "inner circle besties" grandbaby!

Grandbaby. I'd better not have to utter that word for a really long time for myself! I'm still coming to terms with the fact that come next Tuesday, I will be the mom of a TWENTY YEAR OLD SON!!! lol

But boy am I ever proud of my boy! And shame on my friend, Jason for scaring the bejezus out of me today messaging me about a lockdown because of some armed gunman at the Phi Beta Kappa Oompa Loopma frat house or whatever! No, Dylan is NOT in a fraternity (which is why I couldnt remember the name Jason even said!) About the only pledge that kid has ever heard of is the pledge of allegiance or pledge furniture polish! haha

But me, not knowing where his classes were relative to the frat house, I panicked and called of course! He was fine. Said he wasn't anywhere near there but headed that way! ha ha!!!

I can't wait to see him this weekend! Gonna drive down, hang out with him and then since I dont have a ticket, I'm gonna hang out on the quad with Kayti while he's at the game. Then we are going to hang out and I think Kayti is going to spend the night (yes in an apartment with four guys! lol But they are awesome young men and one is her VERY OVERPROTECTIVE brother so it's all good) and then Jeff is headed down there Sunday with Brooke. I dont know why he wont just go Saturday but I'm kind of glad he's not. That way Brooke gets to make her last soccer game and we can avoid a tense situation.

Yes, right now things are tense. Don't ask me why. That's just how we are. We get along for the most part and sometimes we can still do things together as a family but other times, not. Right now, it's not and that's probably for the best. Time for the kids to get used to separate stuff. I just dont know how it's going to work this Christmas. I was prepared for them to be with him if I was going to be on my Mexico mission trip but now that that has been cancelled....I really need to figure out what I'm going to do. Staying in my apartment alone doesn't sound very appealing. I'll figure something out. Gotta keep on keepin' on! Onward and upward...

Be blessed!