Thankful for much...

I've been trying to keep up with everyone else on Facebook and post something daily that I'm thankful for but I digress....I'm sure there have been days I have missed. There have also been days that even though I TRULY am thankful, I haven't really felt much like expressing it. So I decided to blog a big huge thankful post! And in no particular order, I am thankful for:

1. Celexa!!!!! I am feeling better and better every day! Thank you, God for creating people smart enough to figure out that some of us don't just "get sad about stuff". It's a chemical imbalance in our brains that is beyond our control. And thank you that as more and more people realize that it IS common and uncontrolable, the stigma of needing such medicine is slowly dissapating.

2. my faith! I am judged constantly or so it feels like and if I didn't know better I would quickly lose my faith. I am thankful for God's Word that tells me there is NO CONDEMNATION for those in Christ Jesus and that once we are truly His, NOTHING can snatch us from His hands. People are fallible, God isn't. His mercy and love endures forever. He knows the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. He is amazing!

3. My amazing children! I am SO PROUD of all three of them! I am blessed to be their mom and I delight in everything they do!

4. My ex husband. Despite all we have been through, he remains the one person I can truly count on. Not just for our children but for me as well. I wish that I had been a better wife to him. But I am glad we are still the best of friends.

5. My other friends---Dede, Frances, Angela, Anji, Tammy,  and those I've gotten close to through Facebook--Christy, Brenda, Kim, Leah, Jason, Michael and for my prayer warriors, Donna, Jenny, Jenny, Laine, Shalita and so many others!

6. My family. We have had our ups and downs, our differences and spats, especially in the last two years but much like the Lord loves me, nothing will ever make me stop loving them. Even during the times I have to distance myself from them physically, I never distance myself emotionally. I love them dearly!

7. My landlord. I know many who rent from slumlords that never fix anything. I am thankful to have a home that keeps us warm, dry and safe!

8. My neighbors. Especially during football season, for putting up with my loud, crazy self and for jumping right in there with me sometimes! They help keep my grass cut, watch out for my dog and even open stubborn jars when I can't!

9. My creativity. I am thankful that I learned to sew and can create something from nothing when I need to, or just when I want to.

10. My education. I had the BEST time at Birmingham-Southern. I made lifelong friends, had so much fun and learned so much.  Many have questioned that I wasted so much time and money on a degree I wasn't using but in the last few weeks, I have become ever aware how thankful I am to have it to fall back on. I'm looking forward to returning to that field and using what I know to bless my family financially.

11. My Tide! Not just our amazing football team but the University of Alabama itself. My son is having a GREAT time and getting a superb education. I am thankful that he was able to "go away" to college without going "far"!

12. My wine! And other alcohol! And coffee! And coke! And chocolate! and all the "sinful", indulgent things that keep me going sometimes!

13. My music taste. I'm glad I dont just like one genre but that I can appreciate a variety of musical talent and find solace in so much of it.

14. My car! I love love love my Miranda! lol I am thankful she's dependable, fun and doesn't cost me too much money.

15. My sense of humor. I am glad that I am able to laugh sometimes as it really does help lift my spirits. I am glad I am able to make others laugh, too, though it's not always on purpose!

16. My ability to cook. I do enjoy it. I am glad I learned from the best--my mom! I only wish I had more people to cook for sometimes.

17. My passions. I love that I am a huge breastfeeding advocate (not a huge breast advocate, though I have nothing against it! lol), am passionate about orphans and missions and a few other things!

18. My knee doctor and his u/s tech. I am glad I sought a second opinion and found that I had options and could continue doing the things I love.

19. My dog. She is a constant source of unconditional love and laughter. She also fulfills my need to keep "babying" something.

20. My body. It may not be perfect but it's mine and I know it well. I know what it's done and what it can do. I have great hair, great boobs, pretty hands and feet and a rare eye-color that I'm proud of. I also have good skin!

Yes, I have much to be thankful for and though I'm not always successful, I try to remember how blessed I am each and every day, not just on Thanksgiving. But I am thankful for Thanksgiving and the opportunity to reflect on it all. Not to mention, seeing family and eating good food!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Careful what you wish for...

I said in my last blog I needed new direction...well, I certainly have it!

Thursday afternoon, I lost my job!

I am still not sure if I quit or was fired. It doesn't make a difference as churches are exempt from paying unemployment anyway and that's not the point either. But I was told if I didn't like the way something was (me, being treated like crap) then I could get my purse and walk out so that is what I did.

I've never been one to hold my tongue much and I have definitely held it at this place a lot longer than anywhere else. I'm not going into a lot of detail right now because it will just make me look angry and spiteful when it's really the other way around.  But I did reach my limit and so I am no longer a preschool teacher (not at that place anyway).

I've had a few days to try and process it and honestly, I have a lot of different emotions running through me. Probably the ultimate is shock. And anger. It's hard to believe there are people out there that will push you to you're breaking point but sometimes, there are and sometimes you wind up working for them. Shock also that I actually left. But I KNOW with my emotional state being what it has been for the past two weeks, that was the wisest thing I could've done.

I'm also scared. Scared about how I'm going to pay my bills mostly. Scared about possibly returning to a field I haven't worked in in over a decade.

I am extremely disappointed that I wont be seeing my sweet babies everyday. Yes, they can be a handful but I truly do love each and every one of them. I carry them with me. I get attached. I get close to their families. It's hard.

But I'm also excited. So I'm trying to be postive and think of it as the opportunity it is. An opportunity to better my financial situation, improve my social circle (professionally) and learn something new.

I'm encouraged by the outpouring of love and support from so many people including some I didn't expect. But I'm always thankful for my "inner circle". My rocks--you know who you are! As tempted as I am sometimes to throw in the towel, you never let me and for that, I am truly grateful.

So, we'll see what happens! It's always an interesting ride with me, isn't it?

Hugely pissed off and struggling...

I got to the doctor Monday and got my meds back. But get this--the idiot has been stalking my facebook page!!!  Yup! Apparently he has no time to call me in the medicine he KNOWS I need to maintain what little sanity I have left but he can sure take the time to look me up on facebook to see me vent about it!

I have an appointment with my new doctor Tuesday so I won't have to worry about his crazy ass ever again. I hope it goes well.

I was feeling a little bit better yesterday until I went to Bible Study and got slapped in the face with "you need to stop talking like you do on facebook!"

WTH????? I have SO toned down my facebook vents. Yes, I'm still angry about some things, yes I still share a little bit more than a lot of people do. But "talking like I do"? I don't understand that. If she could've only seen how far I have come and how terribly that hurt my feelings.

It makes me feel once again like I have to clean myself up before I come before the Lord and that is SO backwards of the gospel that I know and understand and have come to embrace.

Of course if I thought I would find sympathetic ears, I was sorely mistaken. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to do anything right. All I ever heard for so long was what a bitch I am and how I don't even try. Well, I start trying and it seems like I'm always gonna fall short.  So why bother?

No one cares what I'm feeling. All anyone wants to hear is feel good, positive crap that I just don't have in me right now. I so need new direction...

Sunday and sick...

It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I'm stuck in here on the couch sick as a dog! I cannot seem to shake this cold or whatever it is. I have days where I feel okay and can push through but then others like today, it just knocks me on my butt!

The last two days I've been pumped up on cough medicine, nerve pills and just doing the best I can to make it through the day.

Friday was the WORST. I really think it's time to leave my job. But I don't have anywhere else to go and I HAVE to work. I was going to devote today to dusting of my resume and scouring through the ads but ugh...I just don't feel like it. I HATE searching for a new job and all the crap that goes with it. But I know it's going to soon become a necessary evil in my life.

I left early sick but couldn't get any rest after my boss called with yet ANOTHER complaining parent! Yes, I work in the land of the over coddled children! Parents that don't bother to read notes explaining the rules and are too lazy to follow them or encourage their children to do so. This world we live in is getting really ridiculous.  And yet people just keep complaining about how bad it is not realizing they are part of the problem.

Had to go Friday afternoon for more knee injections and this time--it REALLY hurt! So I returned to my couch for the rest of the night feeling as low as I have felt since July 2011. I am thankful for the few friends I have that were available and talked me though my feelings. Sometimes it's just really hard to be strong. Thank you for being my strength when I had none of my own! I love you more than you know.

I have decided I have to keep pushing forward with the path I'm on. As tempting as it is to keep a foot in the world sometimes, I just can't do it anymore. I can't be anyone's hookup, booty call or "friend with benefits". From this point forward, if that's what you're interested in, don't bother to call, text or message. I am ONLY looking for friendship that may or may not lead to a serious relationship. If that's not what you're interested in or not where you are, I respect that. No hard feelings. But either be my friend and friend only or keep walking.

I was able to pull it together long enough to drive to T-town yesterday and see my precious!
I really do love my babies!! They are my whole life and there's nothing I won't do for them. I am so proud of each and every one of them and feel so honored and blessed to be there mom. I hate that sometimes I feel so unworthy to the point that I think they would be so much better off without me. That's the depression talking. While I probably am not worthy of my three blessings I totally couldn't imagine my life without them and I hope I never have to. I also pray earnestly that I never get to the point of feeling like I would need to put them through the pain of losing the one person in the world that is supposed to care about them the most and does!

I had hoped to make the early service at Highlands this morning and then visit some old friends at their new church for an adoption testimony but I just can't. I also won't be making it to Chloe's first birthday party this afternoon. Please pray that God will heal my heart, mind and body so that I can press on to being what He needs me to be!

Random thoughts...

So today started out pretty bleak again. My patience is stretched REALLY thin and with my job, that's never a good thing. This is by far the most difficult class I've ever had and I can't really put my finger on why. I've had children that were MUCH more strong willed. I've had to deal with parents that were MUCH more in denial and MUCH ruder. I've had to deal with a boss or two that I wasn't particularly fond of and put up with church politics that just made absolutely no sense. So why I'm struggling right now, I don't know. I'm claiming celexa! 13 more days!

On top of that, the ex and I are NOT getting along. I dont know what his problem is. I couldn't even begin to guess. Maybe he's going through some stuff...maybe he's just a douchebag. I don't know. And the only way I know how to handle him so it doesnt get to me is to just cut him out. So that's what I've done for now.

And then we have the day after election and boy does EVERYBODY have an opinion!!! I used to LOVE discussing politics and stuff. They were some of my favorite classes in college and from time to time I still see m political science professor, Natalie Davis, on TV. But now...I guess I'm just cynical and sick of it all. Nothing ever seems to change except prices going up and paychecks going down. More ridiculous laws passed to try and legislate morality and there is absolutely NO WAY to please EVERYBODY. SOMEBODY always has their panties in a wad. Either Rush Limbaugh, the NAACP or somebody.

I voted for Romney. My reasons were purely econmical. So far, Obama hasn't demonstrated that he's capable of managing finances (that's not a character flaw, I suck at it myself) and that effects me more than any other issues. I'm in that group that makes too much money for any assistance but is still piss broke all the time! No, I'm not worse off than was four years ago but I'm not better off either.

But I really don't like Romney much either. Yes, I am a Christian. Although I prefer the term "follower of Christ" because Jesus was a liberal. He hung out with sinners like me! I reserve judgment for He who has earned the right to judge others. I don't care how someone ELSE sins. That's not my business. I will not point out a speck in my brother's eye without removing the plank in mine.

So I am not at all devastated by the results and I'm especially NOT surprised. Even if he had won, not much would've changed because Congress is the same. In all actuality, the president has little power at all.

What irritates me the most about politics is how hateful people are to each other because they disagree! Republicans think if someone votes democratic, they lack character. That they are nothing but useless, freeloading and stupid. Democrats think if someone votes republican, they are backward, ignorant, rednecks.

People, grow up. Other peoples' opinions do not equal character flaws and you certainly are NOT going to win over your brother/sister by belittling them and calling them names. Maybe their opinions do seem assanine to you. But I believe it's important to keep in mind that what made this country great IS our differences.

Most of you know that I am a HUGE fan of Joel Osteen. I can imagine his smiling face speaking to all of us and telling us that if we keep focusing on the doom and gloom of our situation, even if it's not really there, then that's what will come to pass. Speak words of life over your situation!  If you are discouraged at the lack of job opportunities, maybe its time to reevaluate your interests and try something else. If you're struggling with finances like I am, maybe it's time to look into other ways to generate income (I am).  But sitting around and blaming the president or the government makes you no better than those you complain about and claim put us in this situation (whatever you think it is).

All of that said, I had to hear and read all about everyone's political posts today and that did nothing to help my mood. It all came to a head at one point and I just began boohooing and my boss, God love her (we dont agree on a whole lot) was so sweet to me. Not long after that, I got a text from a new friend and later a call and that really lifted my spirits, too!

But what really made my day is my church. There aren't words to explain Church of the Highlands and what it means to me. It truly is a special place. You just have to experience it for yourself. We've been studying legacy lately and what kind of legacy we will leave to our children and children's children, etc.  And not only that, what kind of legacy do we want to leave to others...

It's something I'm really thinking and praying on. There are many areas of interest for me, particularly with hurting marriages, women who have been through similar experiences, missions and of course, orphans!!!

How does God want to use me in these areas? Well, I guess you, too, will just have to wait and see!

Onward and upward....!

I took today off. I didn't plan to but last night brought on some unexpected turmoil and I needed a mental health day.

I'm still choosing to keep my blog public for now because of some links on it, the upcoming Rockathon, another fundraiser I'm helping with for Epilepsy Awareness, some ministry items and I just dont feel like putting everyone through the hassle of having to get a password again. I am not sure how many people actually read...no one comments here anymore, mostly they comment/message me on facebook so...

But because I'm staying public, I'm not going into detail about what was so upsetting. Those who need to know do and I'm not giving what upset me the satisfaction of knowing that it upset me. Just in case it's lurking around...

Just know I'm okay. If I had my celexa, it probably wouldnt have bothered me AT ALL. And the only reason it really did bother me had more to do with ME. *I* am the one that needs to forgive MYSELF. I thought I had but I'm finding it's a conscious choice that I have to do often, sometimes daily.

So I took the morning and took precautions to make sure that it doesn't have a chance of upsetting me again anytime soon. Because I didnt have the words really to pray for myself, I had a VERY sweet and dear friend (actually several) but one in particular stand in the gap for me.  I listened to my Highlands Worship CD over and over and over and slowly, I began to feel MUCH better! Oh how wonderful God is! And oh how I LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends and my church!

Then I decided to take the opportunity to go visit with my mom. My mom and I haven't gotten along very well since my divorce. But I DO love her VERY much and I really DO want her in my life. I'm not naive enough to think that our relationship will ever be the same as it used to be--I'm finding out that when you make a horrible decision, not only do your choices have consequences for yourself but for others as well. Obviously, I didnt think it through because I never would have purposely put my kids through all they've been through but even so, I never could have imagined how adversely my choices affected so many others as well. It's done now. It's altered and can't be fixed. Not the way we would all like anyway (no, that's not to say I want my ex back now--I just wish things had been handled differently) I hope that makes sense.

I was talking to a good friend today and he was telling me about something in his life that on the one hand he wished had never happened but it's hard to really wish it away because that would mean taking away something good. And there have been some good things in my life since. So it's hard to know what to wish for and what to regret. Sometimes you just have to realize it is what it is and roll with it.

All of that said, my mom and I had a great visit. I also got to see my niece, nephews and all the other precious babies she keeps, including one of my "inner circle besties" grandbaby!

Grandbaby. I'd better not have to utter that word for a really long time for myself! I'm still coming to terms with the fact that come next Tuesday, I will be the mom of a TWENTY YEAR OLD SON!!! lol

But boy am I ever proud of my boy! And shame on my friend, Jason for scaring the bejezus out of me today messaging me about a lockdown because of some armed gunman at the Phi Beta Kappa Oompa Loopma frat house or whatever! No, Dylan is NOT in a fraternity (which is why I couldnt remember the name Jason even said!) About the only pledge that kid has ever heard of is the pledge of allegiance or pledge furniture polish! haha

But me, not knowing where his classes were relative to the frat house, I panicked and called of course! He was fine. Said he wasn't anywhere near there but headed that way! ha ha!!!

I can't wait to see him this weekend! Gonna drive down, hang out with him and then since I dont have a ticket, I'm gonna hang out on the quad with Kayti while he's at the game. Then we are going to hang out and I think Kayti is going to spend the night (yes in an apartment with four guys! lol But they are awesome young men and one is her VERY OVERPROTECTIVE brother so it's all good) and then Jeff is headed down there Sunday with Brooke. I dont know why he wont just go Saturday but I'm kind of glad he's not. That way Brooke gets to make her last soccer game and we can avoid a tense situation.

Yes, right now things are tense. Don't ask me why. That's just how we are. We get along for the most part and sometimes we can still do things together as a family but other times, not. Right now, it's not and that's probably for the best. Time for the kids to get used to separate stuff. I just dont know how it's going to work this Christmas. I was prepared for them to be with him if I was going to be on my Mexico mission trip but now that that has been cancelled....I really need to figure out what I'm going to do. Staying in my apartment alone doesn't sound very appealing. I'll figure something out. Gotta keep on keepin' on! Onward and upward...

Be blessed!

Updates...plateaus and walls!

I haven't felt like blogging in a while... a side effect of coming off the meds maybe? I'm doing surprisingly better than I thought I would but no, I am NOT even thinking about STAYING off. It's not debatable so don't message me and give me all the stats or arguments or opinions about it. I do not make the distinction between a person with heart problems/diabetes, etc. needing medication for those conditions and me needing medicine for mine. I have an appointment November 20 with a new doctor, sooner if she has a cancellation. In the meantime, I pray a LOT. I'm running and that helps (endorphins make you happy you know and happy people just don't beat the dog snot out of other people!) and I have my emergency stash of klonopin. I also sleep and rest when I need to because I do know my limits. Nonetheless...

Life goes on.

Soccer is winding down for little bit and we are glad about it. This hasn't been a good season and I really hope she makes the school team in the Spring because I'm sick of Rec Soccer.

Halloween was fun. Went to a party at Dorinda's, had a party at school with my littles and the girls did their own thing. I stayed home and passed out candy. I miss my kids being little sometimes but it was relaxing to not have to be hurried and out in the mess, too.

I started getting a little sick this past weekend so I once again didnt make it to the Dream Center to help out like I'd planned. Both girls have been feeling a little icky as well.

I've been working little by little on my book collaboration with Jason but we really dont have anything solid down yet.

Every plan I make I seem to hit a wall or plateau somewhere.

For example, I can't really get my fitness regimen going in the direction it needs to because the doc wants me to swim--good for the knees. I can't swim until I pay off my what I already owe the Y and rejoin!

I can't seriously think about enrolling in more classes because I have no money and can't really get more until my bankruptcy is settled. I can't settle that until I complete my pre-filing counseling course and I can't do that until I have an extra fifty bucks! Ugh!

I also can't seriously work on a business plan for the daycare center that I am contemplating starting next year or really do ANYTHING until I can scrape together some money. I just feel stuck in so many areas.

I don't want to date just for fun anymore but I'm not really ready for a serious relationship either...

I want friendship but I NEED more than that sometimes. At the same time, I'm trying not to cause the Lord anymore grief on my account or hinder my spiritual growth but opening up a can of worms I don't need. And I DEFINITELY do not want to be sucked into any drama...got a taste of that this weekend and I didnt do anything this time! No, gotta steer clear of that mess, for sure!

I really really miss my son and I'm hoping to get to go down to see him this weekend. But that's more money I dont really need to spend. Yet it's his birthday! And OMG I have a 20 year old kid!!!

Okay, I'm starting to ramble and none of it good. So I'll just take a pill and go to bed!