It's been a great few days! No, I haven't made up with my mother, I'm BEYOND broke, and still no car. But I have finished my Christmas shopping, my son is home and staying with me and seems to be actually enjoying it and my girls and I have been getting along great! Oh the blessing of having a home of our own!
We have decided that we are going to my mom's Christmas Eve, taking gifts and a dessert and if she doesn't let us in or whatever, we will go out to eat. Either way, after, we are going to ride around and look at lights and come home and get ready for Santa like we always do. We are going to be positive, excited and nothing is going to ruin our Christmas. We are not going to focus on our failures and disappointments of the past year or how different everything is. It's the celebration of the birth of our Savior and we are just going to focus on the joy of holiday and enjoy being together.
I have been so very blessed by my co-workers and the parents of the children in my care and I have a few days off before Christmas to just relax and enjoy being with my kids. Tonight the girls and I got started on our holiday baking.
I hadn't had time to get my nails done lately and if you know me at all, you know how I am about my nails! I will eat pb&j and sit in the dark all bundled up if I have to but I'm getting my nails done! Oh but the move and everything....I peeled the acrylic off and had been trying to give it up but it is so painful, in more ways than one. Well, one of the parents got me a gift certificate to get them done! A sign from God that He approves of this expenditure/indulgence? I think so! lol So I'm going to get them redone tomorrow.
We are also going shopping, the kids and I and possibly have lunch somewhere. Then tomorrow night we venture downtown to the Alabama Theatre to see my all-time favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life. And maybe my life hasn't been so wonderful this year but it's mine and I love it!
Be blessed and Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
UPDATES UPDATES UPDATES
I finally get some time to write and I have no idea where to begin. SO much has happened since my last blog…as seems to be the way things go in my life this past year.
I finally bought a car—my dream car! A 2004 Ford Mustang Convertible, fully loaded and sparkling white! I named her Samantha after my favorite character from my favorite show—Sex & the City. The payments were more than I wanted to pay but it was in EXCELLENT condition and the payment included a two year warranty. I felt like I’d finally arrived…and my life was finally going somewhere. Unfortunately…well, more about that later.
Shari and I had a HUGE fight about the use of her car. I’d asked to drive a mile away to see a friend and she had a fit. It really hurt my feelings because her reasons for saying no were absolutely ridiculous and I told her so. Plus she knew how much seeing this friend meant to me at the time. I said a lot of things to her I shouldn’t have but things that had been building after ten months of living together and having to do and put up with a lot. I tried to apologize a few days later after I thought we were both calm but she was not ready to hear or talk about it. I decided to give her some time and low and behold, she wound up being mad that I did! I don’t know…who can figure some people out. Apparently my mother isn’t the only one that can hold a grudge. We wound up having to move out by the end of the month and more about that later…
Kayti and I did Race for the Cure and had a blast! I absolutely loved it and we did finish in less than 45 minutes. Well, at least that’s the time I’m going with. It was an hour 8 minutes, actually BUT it DID take us about 30 minutes to even get to the starting line after the race “officially” began! There were SO many people! But I was glad to see that. And I’m no serious runner, not anymore, if I ever even was to begin with.
I was really pumped to see so many men there. I’m glad to see that breast cancer awareness is crossing gender lines, since men CAN get it too and lets face it…the first thing boys ever notice about little Janie in the 7th grade (or even sooner) is definitely NOT her personality or even her eyes!
I loved the shirts! “Save Second Base”, “Keep ‘em bouncin’!”, “Taking the Girls for a walk!” they were all very cool. I think my favorite was a shirt that was hideously orange but had a pack of life savers on the back. It said “Breast Savers” and on the front were two individual life savers in the appropriate place and it said, “Big or Small—Save them all!”
There were guys dressed up like little pink fairies, some outrageously dressed people, strollers, dogs—next year we are SO bringing Mady! And hopefully Brooke won’t have a soccer game and she can do it with us! It was a fabulous girl day!
I wrapped up the “relationship” I was in and I use the word loosely. You say the R word and guys automatically freak out. You’d think it was the M word (marriage) or something but honestly, relationship is NOT a dirty word nor does it mean commitment. For whatever reason, they think it does. But where there are two people, a “relationship” exists. My daughter and I have a “relationship”. My roommate and I had a “relationship”. My ex-husband and I have a “relationship”. It’s how the two people define the relationship that matters. This one (well, I had two “relationships” during October actually. One was with an old HS friend and the other, a VERY young but hot & sweet guy) was pretty much just friends with benefits. One of those I thought might turn into more but I digress. Whatever. I had a good time. No hard feelings and no regrets with either. In fact, I still talk as friends to the young one on a pretty regular basis. Who would have thought he would turn out to be the more mature one! In fact, if he were older, I’d really want to pursue something more with him. He’s funny, chivalrous, and easy to talk to. He made me feel really good about myself and I had a great time. But he’s 23, I’m 41! I have to be realistic. We’re both in sort of the same place in life—neither no where near ready to settle down. But by the time he does get ready, he’ll probably want kids, etc. and by then it may be too late for me so why waste each other’s time. Like I said, we’re still great friends and I love him to death as a friend. If certain events had not taken place, I’d probably still be having “fun” with him on occasion. But again, I digress.
The girls and I wound up having to move in a hurry and this irritated my mother as most things do these days. I’d had everything worked out and applied for a townhouse in Grayson Valley—close to work, zoned for Clay-Chalkville and the rent was reasonable. All I’d asked her for was a place to crash for a few weeks in case the timing didn’t work out exactly right. Instead of offering her oldest daughter and two granddaughters the shelter we needed she instead chose to take the opportunity to remind me yet again how badly I’d screwed my life up and my kids’ lives, as if I’m not constantly reminded every day.
I KNOW I made a HUGE mistake destroying my marriage. But I can’t undo it. I’ve apologized to everyone a MILLION times. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat. But I REFUSE to keep reliving it. My gosh, I paid for it—and DEARLY. Every day since then I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild as best I can. But all she wants to focus on are the bad decisions I’ve made or the little bit of fun I’ve tried to have along the way. She things everyone has to be miserable to be sorry. I don’t subscribe to that philosophy. I have to think positive and I have to go on. I have no choice. I’m not wallowing in misery for the rest of my life to make up for the hurt I’ve caused. It doesn’t help. So I made the decision that until she can stop being so negative all the time, I can’t be around her.
My counselor and everyone else tell me how good I’ve done—I managed to escape a psychotic drug addict and lunatic before he killed me and completely destroyed my self-esteem. I put myself back together by getting the help I needed when I needed it. I restored my health and got a great new job that I enjoy, pays my bills and has health insurance. I bought a car on my own. I carefully decided where we would live, kept the girls grounded with their education and activities while making plans for the future. Why the hell can’t she see ANY of that? Why does my own mother—the person who is supposed to love me the most in the world—keep trying to knock me back down? I have enough factors doing that (including my own stupid self, sometimes!)
My counselor said I needed to get rid of the negative in my life as much as possible. I didn’t realize it would include my mother. Of course when I told her that all I got was more negative. She called me a whore, a bad mother, that all I did was drink, party and chase worthless men…okay, Mom, if that’s the way you see it. Goodbye. And I’m certainly not exposing my children to her either. They are doing well, I wont have her sabotaging their progress by badmouthing me or commenting negatively on anything they are excited about.
So. the move. We wound up moving to Brookside to an old 1891 home that has been completely restored and updated. I absolutely LOVE this house. The rent is cheap but I’m sure the power bill wont be. The girls love it too—there is so much room! The architectural details, the hardwoods, the kitchen, it’s all beautiful. It’s just on the wrong side of town! The drive is a bitch and it’s zoned for Gardendale schools—not where we want the girls to go. So it’s only temporary. I did apply for the townhouse and have been waiting to hear back.
The house was being rented by some friends of mine who split almost immediately after signing the lease and they allowed me and the girls to campout here until we figure out our next step. Neither one is hardly ever here so we pretty much have the place to ourselves and it has been nice. No one to tell me what kind of toilet paper or detergent to by or when and how to load the dishwasher! If I don’t have time to get to a particular chore I don’t have to listen to anyone bitch or stomp around about it. Yes, I’ve truly missed being the alpha-female at home!
My moving plans were temporarily hindered by an accident. I’d been to Tammy’s the night of November 5 to watch the Alabama vs. LSU game and afterward I went to the ER Lounge to congratulate Mike and Dorinda on their pending nuptials. I was there for a few hours when some friends talked me into going to TP Miller’s in Warrior. I should have went back to Tammy’s or went home. Or maybe never went out at all. Yes, of course, I had been drinking but I don’t consider myself to have been drunk. I had passed where I was supposed to turn (I always do going to that dive) and was trying to get in touch with my friends to figure out where I was and where I was going. I looked down at my phone and the next thing I know I’m swerving at 60 mph and then I hit something hard and both airbags inflate. I’m jarred, shocked and shaken but feeling no pain except for my ears—the horn is blowing and I cant get it to turn off. I can’t get my key out of the ignition. I open my door and climb out and see my beloved Samantha wrapped around a tree on the side of Hwy 31. I immediately start crying and screaming, “No!” over and over and start calling for help.
The police arrive and start asking if I’m okay, if I was alone and the ultimate if I had been drinking. My friend finally arrives and I feel better. At least someone will know what’s going on with me before morning. But they give me the field sobriety test and I fail. No big surprise, I’m shaken to my core. I lean against the police car while they take my information and I’m sure I’m headed to jail but to my surprise the cop tells me he’s going to release me to my friend, tow my car but put on the report that I’d stated I was drinking earlier.
My friend drives me to a nearby gas station where Jeff is waiting to take me home and make sure I’m okay and when I undress I see…bruises. Bruises all over my body—big ones, dark ones already, the worst I’ve ever seen and within a few hours I am unable to move. Everything hurts and I can’t get comfortable. Jeff ends up spending the night just to make sure I don’t have any head injuries or stumble down the stairs going to the bathroom or anything and then he brings the girls home the next day to take care of me. I wind up having to take two days off work because my poor body is so bruised, swollen and out of whack. A few days later, whiplash sets in and the pain is even worse. I find some old pain pills I’d been prescribed when Craig beat me once and though they are only Naproxen, they help a lot. But it makes me sleepy and groggy and the more I lay around the less energy I have and the more time I have to be depressed. Dede took me to pick up the police report and look at my car and I’m heartbroken. My sweet, sweet ride is a pile of metal with a tree stuck in the motor. The insurance company ultimately decides its totaled and I’m left owing $2700 on a car I cant even drive. To add insult to injury I have to make the first payment on it because this is still not settled. And I’m starting all over on the car search.
But even through all that, I can still be positive about a few things. Number one, I didn’t die. I very well could have. In fact, everyone that has seen the car wonders how I was able to walk away from it. Number two, I didn’t go to jail which would have been much worse for me financially and otherwise. God saved me from those things for a reason and though I’m still struggling with the havoc I wreak on my own life and they whys and what fors about it all, I’m looking forward to what He has in store for me.
I’ve been down at times, I’ll be quite honest. It would be so easy to give into my mother’s way of dealing with life and just be negative about it all, continue to beat myself up and sit around and cry about it. But again, what good would it do? Giving up is not an option. It did make me realize some very important things and I’ve quit drinking and even dating for the time being. I apologized to everyone that I felt I owed an apology to, that I hadn’t already at least TRIED to apologize to. I even let a few people know that I no longer hate them, I forgive them. Life is just too short to stay angry and bitter. But it does bother me my family hasn’t called once to ask how I’m doing or express how glad they are I’m still alive. I guess I was right to sever ties for now. I don’t know what’s going to happen with all that, especially with the holidays approaching. All I know is that I pray for them everyday. I’m upset and disappointed. But I also know I’ve done all I can do. Right now I have to focus on me and my kids and getting our lives back on track.
My friends have been wonderfully supportive. Jeff has been a huge help and I wish more than ever I’d worked harder at our marriage before I threw it all away. I do think it’s too late. I love him and he will always be my best friend and my children’s father. But there has been so much happen…I honestly don’t know if I have any romantic feelings for him. I’ve been told to be careful not to confuse needing him with wanting him. And sometimes I think I just want my life to be easier and make sense again. But these are all part of the lesson I’m having to learn the hard way. All I can do is take it one day at a time—like the drunks do! And if God wants to restore our relationship into what it was or better, I know He can and He will. I know at the very least we are still a family and that is what’s best for our children.
I’ve gotten a lot of writing done this weekend and Dede came by yesterday. She took me to Walmart and then we went out to dinner and to see The Help. It was hysterically funny! Jeff and I took the girls antique mall browsing today and then we had lunch. I only have to work two days this week and then I hope to be getting everything reorganized and ready to move again. I should find out soon! There are so many things I’ve lost, left behind and misplaced after three moves in a year that I need to do some shopping! Not to mention I need some furniture. But all that comes second to getting new transportation!
But I will make it. I believe in myself and I’m determined to stay positive!
UPDATE November 22, 2011
I got the townhouse! The girls and I will be moving the first weekend in December! I also have a few leads on another car…maybe even another Mustang! I’ve also been asked out. I haven’t really decided if I want to go yet. Right now I really don’t have time…life is so crazy!
UPDATE November 26, 2011
Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I just can’t deal with life anymore. Sometimes I just want it to be over. I’m so tired. Tired of trying and getting kicked back down in the dirt. Tired of being expected to be better than I am. Tired of everything. I want to go back to the days when I really didn’t give a shit what everyone else thought and I know people still think that I am that way but truth is, deep down, I do. I want to be a better person but I just don’t know how. I try and try but I’m constantly reminded that it’s never good enough. Yesterday I got deleted by someone I thought was a friend because I “cuss too much”. And here I thought I had seriously cut back! I know some people will never be pleased no matter how hard we try but it really hit me at a time that I was already not feeling too well about myself and my efforts to change and stay sober. Am I really responsible for what other people’s kids see on the internet? If you ask me, if they are allowing their kids to view the profiles and comments of people they really have no business being in contact with in the first place, they need to worry more about their parenting skills instead of what other people say and do.
I was encouraged to find out I had a lot of support from my friends. They know the hell I’ve been through this year and if I need to let a shit, damn, hell or anything else fly once in a while, so be it. If he thinks I have a bad mouth on facebook, he’d really fall over dead to hear me (or a friend of mine he’s interested in for that matter) in person. Right now the important thing is my sobriety. I have to remember that its so easy for others to sit in judgment when they don’t know what’s really going on—whether its an excuse or not. I’m guilty of it myself but through everything I have been through this past year, I’ve learned that there before the grace of God go I. If you think things can’t happen to you—that you’re really stronger than what happens to “other people”, think again. God will humble you and teach you that, oh yes it can! And then maybe you won’t be so quick to chastise others. I forget that just because I’ve learned not to be so judgmental, other people still have that lesson to learn. And some “Christians” never get it.
I really wish I could take the time I need to get myself well—really well. I’d like to go into intense psychotherapy, get into an AA program and get back involved in a good church. But I have no car, no money and can’t take any time off work. I don’t think the Celexa is strong enough anymore. And the headaches are becoming more frequent and severe. I have a hard time communicating this to my doctor because while I like him, sometimes I feel like I can’t tell him what’s really going on. He’s not a psychiatrist. And he doesn’t need to hear it all. And I feel like if I start telling him he’s going to think I’m just after some pills.
So it’s a constant battle, saving my sanity. Sometimes I have dark thoughts. I would never harm my children and I don’t really have the courage to harm myself. But I do wish sometimes I could wipe myself from the face of the earth. I have screwed up everything I’ve ever touched in my life. And why? Because I’m afraid to face things.
I was afraid to face financial responsibility so I let things go until I made a mess out of everything and forced my hardworking husband to work even harder to the point where he no longer enjoyed his life.
I was afraid to face peers that had more and could do more than I could so I stretched myself to thin, physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally to the point of exhaustion. I couldn’t accept the concept of delayed gratification—something I’m being forced to learn now and boy is it ever painful.
I was afraid to face the fact that my precious baby son was growing up. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was no longer going to need me after I tried to devote my whole life to him. I was afraid to face what and who I would be when my parenting days were over and I dealt with it in very unhealthy ways.
I was afraid to face the fact that I AM getting older. My youth is gone and my chance to do things I once thought was so important was slipping away. Again, I dealt with it in ways that I shouldn’t have.
And now I HAVE to face the consequences of all the things I was afraid to face before. And it’s terrifying. I screwed everything up and all I want is a do over. And I can’t have one. And I can’t face the fact that I can NEVER make everything right. And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m forced to go on and make the best of everything and I really don’t want to…
UPDATE November 27, 2011
Today was a much better day…it was rainy and most people hate rainy days but most of the time, I love them. Something about them is very cleansing and I definitely needed cleansing today.
I really wanted to just lie on the couch all day, listen to the rain outside the window and watch movies and nap. But I needed to go to the store and to get my stuff from Tammy’s house. So my son and I ventured out into the pouring down rain and got everything done.
I have SO MUCH stuff…I’m trying to pare everything down so I don’t have to rent a storage unit but I may end up having to anyway…A lot of things are the girls’ and they aren’t ready to get rid of it yet. I must admit there’s a lot I’m not ready to give up yet either. I hate that it all has to be hidden away when it means a lot to us but I can’t think of what else to do with it all…
I listened to Joel Osteen this morning and as always, he helped put things in perspective a bit. I wish I could be so positive all the time and it dawned on me that I’m starting to get negative like my mother and that’s what I hate most about her. I need to nip that in the bud right now.
UPDATE December 16, 2011
What a crazy few weeks it's been. Got moved and for the most part settled in. I still have a few things to do that perhaps may not get done until the spring, especially the outdoors stuff. But it's beginning to feel like home and I LOVE being back on MY side of town, back in the center of things...or the center of things for me anyway.
My mom and I are still on the outs and its looking like Christmas is going to be totally different this year. That has me a little depressed but there's nothing I can really do about it. I've tried, I really have. I love her and miss her but it seems nothing I say or do is right. Not making much progress with my sisters either. One I dont really care to and the other doesnt really care to. I swear sometimes it's like we're the freakin' mafia and everyone is afraid to cross Mama Don!
As for "romantic" relationships, I feel sort of like I'm stalled. I can't go back, I know I can't go back even though I still have the overwhelming feeling like I NEED to sometimes. But I'm not ready to move forward either. I guess I'm going to have to force myself...going on a date tomorrow night!
The car search is sucking big time. Found something I really like but just not ready to part with yet another down payment right now. If I can make it until I get income tax back, it would be best. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to bum rides though. Dylan is home for Christmas break right now and that helps alot.
I love my son. I love all my kids but my son...oh how the sun rises and sets in him! He is the most amazing person and to think that he came out of ME is mind boggling! Not only is he brilliant, a good brother, friend, mature, dependable but he is so much stronger and so much wiser than I ever was. When I should be giving him advice on life, etc. he is here to talk ME down off the ledge more than I want to admit. But I am so thankful that he is. I wish he were here every day to counter the negative energy I get from my mom but maybe after tonight, after getting a good, huge dose of him I'll be able to make it for awhile.
We went to Tuscaloosa this morning to sign the lease on his apartment for next year. He and his roommates are going to be renting a 4 bedroom townhouse at the Woodlands and O M G is it ever fabulous! I am SO excited for him! And so are his sisters! But I think they are really excited that they get to go spend the night with him next year! They are both already talking about "when they go to 'bama" which warms my heart that they want to follow in his footsteps and have a little bit of ambition.
We had our Christmas party for work last night and had a great time. I work with a wonderful bunch of ladies. I've also gotten a few gifts from the parents of my babies and I am so blessed to be appreciated for the love and care I give those sweetees. Some I've bonded with much easier than others and a few I've gotten quite attached to but I DO love them all dearly. I am blessed to have the job I have even though I get frustrated at times for various reasons--usually administration and bureaucracy. I guess all jobs are gonna have that no matter what.
Mady got into some chocolate today and I'm worried about her but so far she seems fine. Lord, I love that dog. Sometimes it feels like she is the only something in the world that loves me unconditionally. I can't lose her now. When I look back on the last six months or so, so many nights she's been the one next to me, just waiting to see what I need and not really able to do anything but curl up next to me and give me something to pet. But in those desparate moments, when I feel most alone in the world and ready to give up once and for all, its those eyes that look into mine and keep me here.
Going to try and sleep now. I have so much to do this weekend--gotta finish some things around the house, do some paperwork for the homeschool group so I can get transcripts and get the girls registered for public school, need to get started on Christmas shopping, need to do some sewing...the list is long and NOT distinguished!
Be blessed!
I finally bought a car—my dream car! A 2004 Ford Mustang Convertible, fully loaded and sparkling white! I named her Samantha after my favorite character from my favorite show—Sex & the City. The payments were more than I wanted to pay but it was in EXCELLENT condition and the payment included a two year warranty. I felt like I’d finally arrived…and my life was finally going somewhere. Unfortunately…well, more about that later.
Shari and I had a HUGE fight about the use of her car. I’d asked to drive a mile away to see a friend and she had a fit. It really hurt my feelings because her reasons for saying no were absolutely ridiculous and I told her so. Plus she knew how much seeing this friend meant to me at the time. I said a lot of things to her I shouldn’t have but things that had been building after ten months of living together and having to do and put up with a lot. I tried to apologize a few days later after I thought we were both calm but she was not ready to hear or talk about it. I decided to give her some time and low and behold, she wound up being mad that I did! I don’t know…who can figure some people out. Apparently my mother isn’t the only one that can hold a grudge. We wound up having to move out by the end of the month and more about that later…
Kayti and I did Race for the Cure and had a blast! I absolutely loved it and we did finish in less than 45 minutes. Well, at least that’s the time I’m going with. It was an hour 8 minutes, actually BUT it DID take us about 30 minutes to even get to the starting line after the race “officially” began! There were SO many people! But I was glad to see that. And I’m no serious runner, not anymore, if I ever even was to begin with.
I was really pumped to see so many men there. I’m glad to see that breast cancer awareness is crossing gender lines, since men CAN get it too and lets face it…the first thing boys ever notice about little Janie in the 7th grade (or even sooner) is definitely NOT her personality or even her eyes!
I loved the shirts! “Save Second Base”, “Keep ‘em bouncin’!”, “Taking the Girls for a walk!” they were all very cool. I think my favorite was a shirt that was hideously orange but had a pack of life savers on the back. It said “Breast Savers” and on the front were two individual life savers in the appropriate place and it said, “Big or Small—Save them all!”
There were guys dressed up like little pink fairies, some outrageously dressed people, strollers, dogs—next year we are SO bringing Mady! And hopefully Brooke won’t have a soccer game and she can do it with us! It was a fabulous girl day!
I wrapped up the “relationship” I was in and I use the word loosely. You say the R word and guys automatically freak out. You’d think it was the M word (marriage) or something but honestly, relationship is NOT a dirty word nor does it mean commitment. For whatever reason, they think it does. But where there are two people, a “relationship” exists. My daughter and I have a “relationship”. My roommate and I had a “relationship”. My ex-husband and I have a “relationship”. It’s how the two people define the relationship that matters. This one (well, I had two “relationships” during October actually. One was with an old HS friend and the other, a VERY young but hot & sweet guy) was pretty much just friends with benefits. One of those I thought might turn into more but I digress. Whatever. I had a good time. No hard feelings and no regrets with either. In fact, I still talk as friends to the young one on a pretty regular basis. Who would have thought he would turn out to be the more mature one! In fact, if he were older, I’d really want to pursue something more with him. He’s funny, chivalrous, and easy to talk to. He made me feel really good about myself and I had a great time. But he’s 23, I’m 41! I have to be realistic. We’re both in sort of the same place in life—neither no where near ready to settle down. But by the time he does get ready, he’ll probably want kids, etc. and by then it may be too late for me so why waste each other’s time. Like I said, we’re still great friends and I love him to death as a friend. If certain events had not taken place, I’d probably still be having “fun” with him on occasion. But again, I digress.
The girls and I wound up having to move in a hurry and this irritated my mother as most things do these days. I’d had everything worked out and applied for a townhouse in Grayson Valley—close to work, zoned for Clay-Chalkville and the rent was reasonable. All I’d asked her for was a place to crash for a few weeks in case the timing didn’t work out exactly right. Instead of offering her oldest daughter and two granddaughters the shelter we needed she instead chose to take the opportunity to remind me yet again how badly I’d screwed my life up and my kids’ lives, as if I’m not constantly reminded every day.
I KNOW I made a HUGE mistake destroying my marriage. But I can’t undo it. I’ve apologized to everyone a MILLION times. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat. But I REFUSE to keep reliving it. My gosh, I paid for it—and DEARLY. Every day since then I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild as best I can. But all she wants to focus on are the bad decisions I’ve made or the little bit of fun I’ve tried to have along the way. She things everyone has to be miserable to be sorry. I don’t subscribe to that philosophy. I have to think positive and I have to go on. I have no choice. I’m not wallowing in misery for the rest of my life to make up for the hurt I’ve caused. It doesn’t help. So I made the decision that until she can stop being so negative all the time, I can’t be around her.
My counselor and everyone else tell me how good I’ve done—I managed to escape a psychotic drug addict and lunatic before he killed me and completely destroyed my self-esteem. I put myself back together by getting the help I needed when I needed it. I restored my health and got a great new job that I enjoy, pays my bills and has health insurance. I bought a car on my own. I carefully decided where we would live, kept the girls grounded with their education and activities while making plans for the future. Why the hell can’t she see ANY of that? Why does my own mother—the person who is supposed to love me the most in the world—keep trying to knock me back down? I have enough factors doing that (including my own stupid self, sometimes!)
My counselor said I needed to get rid of the negative in my life as much as possible. I didn’t realize it would include my mother. Of course when I told her that all I got was more negative. She called me a whore, a bad mother, that all I did was drink, party and chase worthless men…okay, Mom, if that’s the way you see it. Goodbye. And I’m certainly not exposing my children to her either. They are doing well, I wont have her sabotaging their progress by badmouthing me or commenting negatively on anything they are excited about.
So. the move. We wound up moving to Brookside to an old 1891 home that has been completely restored and updated. I absolutely LOVE this house. The rent is cheap but I’m sure the power bill wont be. The girls love it too—there is so much room! The architectural details, the hardwoods, the kitchen, it’s all beautiful. It’s just on the wrong side of town! The drive is a bitch and it’s zoned for Gardendale schools—not where we want the girls to go. So it’s only temporary. I did apply for the townhouse and have been waiting to hear back.
The house was being rented by some friends of mine who split almost immediately after signing the lease and they allowed me and the girls to campout here until we figure out our next step. Neither one is hardly ever here so we pretty much have the place to ourselves and it has been nice. No one to tell me what kind of toilet paper or detergent to by or when and how to load the dishwasher! If I don’t have time to get to a particular chore I don’t have to listen to anyone bitch or stomp around about it. Yes, I’ve truly missed being the alpha-female at home!
My moving plans were temporarily hindered by an accident. I’d been to Tammy’s the night of November 5 to watch the Alabama vs. LSU game and afterward I went to the ER Lounge to congratulate Mike and Dorinda on their pending nuptials. I was there for a few hours when some friends talked me into going to TP Miller’s in Warrior. I should have went back to Tammy’s or went home. Or maybe never went out at all. Yes, of course, I had been drinking but I don’t consider myself to have been drunk. I had passed where I was supposed to turn (I always do going to that dive) and was trying to get in touch with my friends to figure out where I was and where I was going. I looked down at my phone and the next thing I know I’m swerving at 60 mph and then I hit something hard and both airbags inflate. I’m jarred, shocked and shaken but feeling no pain except for my ears—the horn is blowing and I cant get it to turn off. I can’t get my key out of the ignition. I open my door and climb out and see my beloved Samantha wrapped around a tree on the side of Hwy 31. I immediately start crying and screaming, “No!” over and over and start calling for help.
The police arrive and start asking if I’m okay, if I was alone and the ultimate if I had been drinking. My friend finally arrives and I feel better. At least someone will know what’s going on with me before morning. But they give me the field sobriety test and I fail. No big surprise, I’m shaken to my core. I lean against the police car while they take my information and I’m sure I’m headed to jail but to my surprise the cop tells me he’s going to release me to my friend, tow my car but put on the report that I’d stated I was drinking earlier.
My friend drives me to a nearby gas station where Jeff is waiting to take me home and make sure I’m okay and when I undress I see…bruises. Bruises all over my body—big ones, dark ones already, the worst I’ve ever seen and within a few hours I am unable to move. Everything hurts and I can’t get comfortable. Jeff ends up spending the night just to make sure I don’t have any head injuries or stumble down the stairs going to the bathroom or anything and then he brings the girls home the next day to take care of me. I wind up having to take two days off work because my poor body is so bruised, swollen and out of whack. A few days later, whiplash sets in and the pain is even worse. I find some old pain pills I’d been prescribed when Craig beat me once and though they are only Naproxen, they help a lot. But it makes me sleepy and groggy and the more I lay around the less energy I have and the more time I have to be depressed. Dede took me to pick up the police report and look at my car and I’m heartbroken. My sweet, sweet ride is a pile of metal with a tree stuck in the motor. The insurance company ultimately decides its totaled and I’m left owing $2700 on a car I cant even drive. To add insult to injury I have to make the first payment on it because this is still not settled. And I’m starting all over on the car search.
But even through all that, I can still be positive about a few things. Number one, I didn’t die. I very well could have. In fact, everyone that has seen the car wonders how I was able to walk away from it. Number two, I didn’t go to jail which would have been much worse for me financially and otherwise. God saved me from those things for a reason and though I’m still struggling with the havoc I wreak on my own life and they whys and what fors about it all, I’m looking forward to what He has in store for me.
I’ve been down at times, I’ll be quite honest. It would be so easy to give into my mother’s way of dealing with life and just be negative about it all, continue to beat myself up and sit around and cry about it. But again, what good would it do? Giving up is not an option. It did make me realize some very important things and I’ve quit drinking and even dating for the time being. I apologized to everyone that I felt I owed an apology to, that I hadn’t already at least TRIED to apologize to. I even let a few people know that I no longer hate them, I forgive them. Life is just too short to stay angry and bitter. But it does bother me my family hasn’t called once to ask how I’m doing or express how glad they are I’m still alive. I guess I was right to sever ties for now. I don’t know what’s going to happen with all that, especially with the holidays approaching. All I know is that I pray for them everyday. I’m upset and disappointed. But I also know I’ve done all I can do. Right now I have to focus on me and my kids and getting our lives back on track.
My friends have been wonderfully supportive. Jeff has been a huge help and I wish more than ever I’d worked harder at our marriage before I threw it all away. I do think it’s too late. I love him and he will always be my best friend and my children’s father. But there has been so much happen…I honestly don’t know if I have any romantic feelings for him. I’ve been told to be careful not to confuse needing him with wanting him. And sometimes I think I just want my life to be easier and make sense again. But these are all part of the lesson I’m having to learn the hard way. All I can do is take it one day at a time—like the drunks do! And if God wants to restore our relationship into what it was or better, I know He can and He will. I know at the very least we are still a family and that is what’s best for our children.
I’ve gotten a lot of writing done this weekend and Dede came by yesterday. She took me to Walmart and then we went out to dinner and to see The Help. It was hysterically funny! Jeff and I took the girls antique mall browsing today and then we had lunch. I only have to work two days this week and then I hope to be getting everything reorganized and ready to move again. I should find out soon! There are so many things I’ve lost, left behind and misplaced after three moves in a year that I need to do some shopping! Not to mention I need some furniture. But all that comes second to getting new transportation!
But I will make it. I believe in myself and I’m determined to stay positive!
UPDATE November 22, 2011
I got the townhouse! The girls and I will be moving the first weekend in December! I also have a few leads on another car…maybe even another Mustang! I’ve also been asked out. I haven’t really decided if I want to go yet. Right now I really don’t have time…life is so crazy!
UPDATE November 26, 2011
Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I just can’t deal with life anymore. Sometimes I just want it to be over. I’m so tired. Tired of trying and getting kicked back down in the dirt. Tired of being expected to be better than I am. Tired of everything. I want to go back to the days when I really didn’t give a shit what everyone else thought and I know people still think that I am that way but truth is, deep down, I do. I want to be a better person but I just don’t know how. I try and try but I’m constantly reminded that it’s never good enough. Yesterday I got deleted by someone I thought was a friend because I “cuss too much”. And here I thought I had seriously cut back! I know some people will never be pleased no matter how hard we try but it really hit me at a time that I was already not feeling too well about myself and my efforts to change and stay sober. Am I really responsible for what other people’s kids see on the internet? If you ask me, if they are allowing their kids to view the profiles and comments of people they really have no business being in contact with in the first place, they need to worry more about their parenting skills instead of what other people say and do.
I was encouraged to find out I had a lot of support from my friends. They know the hell I’ve been through this year and if I need to let a shit, damn, hell or anything else fly once in a while, so be it. If he thinks I have a bad mouth on facebook, he’d really fall over dead to hear me (or a friend of mine he’s interested in for that matter) in person. Right now the important thing is my sobriety. I have to remember that its so easy for others to sit in judgment when they don’t know what’s really going on—whether its an excuse or not. I’m guilty of it myself but through everything I have been through this past year, I’ve learned that there before the grace of God go I. If you think things can’t happen to you—that you’re really stronger than what happens to “other people”, think again. God will humble you and teach you that, oh yes it can! And then maybe you won’t be so quick to chastise others. I forget that just because I’ve learned not to be so judgmental, other people still have that lesson to learn. And some “Christians” never get it.
I really wish I could take the time I need to get myself well—really well. I’d like to go into intense psychotherapy, get into an AA program and get back involved in a good church. But I have no car, no money and can’t take any time off work. I don’t think the Celexa is strong enough anymore. And the headaches are becoming more frequent and severe. I have a hard time communicating this to my doctor because while I like him, sometimes I feel like I can’t tell him what’s really going on. He’s not a psychiatrist. And he doesn’t need to hear it all. And I feel like if I start telling him he’s going to think I’m just after some pills.
So it’s a constant battle, saving my sanity. Sometimes I have dark thoughts. I would never harm my children and I don’t really have the courage to harm myself. But I do wish sometimes I could wipe myself from the face of the earth. I have screwed up everything I’ve ever touched in my life. And why? Because I’m afraid to face things.
I was afraid to face financial responsibility so I let things go until I made a mess out of everything and forced my hardworking husband to work even harder to the point where he no longer enjoyed his life.
I was afraid to face peers that had more and could do more than I could so I stretched myself to thin, physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally to the point of exhaustion. I couldn’t accept the concept of delayed gratification—something I’m being forced to learn now and boy is it ever painful.
I was afraid to face the fact that my precious baby son was growing up. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was no longer going to need me after I tried to devote my whole life to him. I was afraid to face what and who I would be when my parenting days were over and I dealt with it in very unhealthy ways.
I was afraid to face the fact that I AM getting older. My youth is gone and my chance to do things I once thought was so important was slipping away. Again, I dealt with it in ways that I shouldn’t have.
And now I HAVE to face the consequences of all the things I was afraid to face before. And it’s terrifying. I screwed everything up and all I want is a do over. And I can’t have one. And I can’t face the fact that I can NEVER make everything right. And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m forced to go on and make the best of everything and I really don’t want to…
UPDATE November 27, 2011
Today was a much better day…it was rainy and most people hate rainy days but most of the time, I love them. Something about them is very cleansing and I definitely needed cleansing today.
I really wanted to just lie on the couch all day, listen to the rain outside the window and watch movies and nap. But I needed to go to the store and to get my stuff from Tammy’s house. So my son and I ventured out into the pouring down rain and got everything done.
I have SO MUCH stuff…I’m trying to pare everything down so I don’t have to rent a storage unit but I may end up having to anyway…A lot of things are the girls’ and they aren’t ready to get rid of it yet. I must admit there’s a lot I’m not ready to give up yet either. I hate that it all has to be hidden away when it means a lot to us but I can’t think of what else to do with it all…
I listened to Joel Osteen this morning and as always, he helped put things in perspective a bit. I wish I could be so positive all the time and it dawned on me that I’m starting to get negative like my mother and that’s what I hate most about her. I need to nip that in the bud right now.
UPDATE December 16, 2011
What a crazy few weeks it's been. Got moved and for the most part settled in. I still have a few things to do that perhaps may not get done until the spring, especially the outdoors stuff. But it's beginning to feel like home and I LOVE being back on MY side of town, back in the center of things...or the center of things for me anyway.
My mom and I are still on the outs and its looking like Christmas is going to be totally different this year. That has me a little depressed but there's nothing I can really do about it. I've tried, I really have. I love her and miss her but it seems nothing I say or do is right. Not making much progress with my sisters either. One I dont really care to and the other doesnt really care to. I swear sometimes it's like we're the freakin' mafia and everyone is afraid to cross Mama Don!
As for "romantic" relationships, I feel sort of like I'm stalled. I can't go back, I know I can't go back even though I still have the overwhelming feeling like I NEED to sometimes. But I'm not ready to move forward either. I guess I'm going to have to force myself...going on a date tomorrow night!
The car search is sucking big time. Found something I really like but just not ready to part with yet another down payment right now. If I can make it until I get income tax back, it would be best. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to bum rides though. Dylan is home for Christmas break right now and that helps alot.
I love my son. I love all my kids but my son...oh how the sun rises and sets in him! He is the most amazing person and to think that he came out of ME is mind boggling! Not only is he brilliant, a good brother, friend, mature, dependable but he is so much stronger and so much wiser than I ever was. When I should be giving him advice on life, etc. he is here to talk ME down off the ledge more than I want to admit. But I am so thankful that he is. I wish he were here every day to counter the negative energy I get from my mom but maybe after tonight, after getting a good, huge dose of him I'll be able to make it for awhile.
We went to Tuscaloosa this morning to sign the lease on his apartment for next year. He and his roommates are going to be renting a 4 bedroom townhouse at the Woodlands and O M G is it ever fabulous! I am SO excited for him! And so are his sisters! But I think they are really excited that they get to go spend the night with him next year! They are both already talking about "when they go to 'bama" which warms my heart that they want to follow in his footsteps and have a little bit of ambition.
We had our Christmas party for work last night and had a great time. I work with a wonderful bunch of ladies. I've also gotten a few gifts from the parents of my babies and I am so blessed to be appreciated for the love and care I give those sweetees. Some I've bonded with much easier than others and a few I've gotten quite attached to but I DO love them all dearly. I am blessed to have the job I have even though I get frustrated at times for various reasons--usually administration and bureaucracy. I guess all jobs are gonna have that no matter what.
Mady got into some chocolate today and I'm worried about her but so far she seems fine. Lord, I love that dog. Sometimes it feels like she is the only something in the world that loves me unconditionally. I can't lose her now. When I look back on the last six months or so, so many nights she's been the one next to me, just waiting to see what I need and not really able to do anything but curl up next to me and give me something to pet. But in those desparate moments, when I feel most alone in the world and ready to give up once and for all, its those eyes that look into mine and keep me here.
Going to try and sleep now. I have so much to do this weekend--gotta finish some things around the house, do some paperwork for the homeschool group so I can get transcripts and get the girls registered for public school, need to get started on Christmas shopping, need to do some sewing...the list is long and NOT distinguished!
Be blessed!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Kickin Ass and Writer's Block
I go all week and think of all kinds of things to write about but have NO TIME to do it and then when I finally DO get a chance to write...I draw a complete blank or I'm just not in the mood.
I am struggling in the relationship department lately and I dont mean the romantic relationships. I still dont have one of those! Just dating if you can call it that. There is someone I'm interested in but I'm still gunshy about opening my heart up to another man, I dont really have a lot of time and I'm still trying to navigate and learn all the "rules" to this "dating" thing. He makes me smile and for now, that's enough.
But my other relationships--my roommate/bestie, my mother, my 13 year old daughter...all I can say is UGH! I dont really want to share details on any of it right now, except to say the 13 yo is just typical mother-daughter 13 yo stuff. But I am reminded everyday that if God had given me that child first, the other two might not have made it here at all! lol I do love her though and admire her spirit. Wonder where she gets it from? ;)
But I'm kickin ass on everything else. I've walked a total of 9 1/3 miles this week. I started back to Zumba Tuesday night and started taking an adult dance (tap/hip hop/clogging combo) class Thursday night. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS loved dance and took for a while when I was younger. Then of course when I was a majorette in high school, I took a LOT of dance. I love every kind of dance. Took some bellydancing lessons a few years ago and loved it as well and I'd really like to do that again if I could find the time.
But my left knee is giving me a little bit of trouble. I never finished the physical therapy for it because of the divorce and so it's just very weak despite the walking and weights. I'm going to have to wrap it next week until I can build the strength back up in it.
I really loved getting back to Zumba. At first I wasn't jazzed because it just felt like aerobics to Christian music. That's not REAL zumba! I love Christian music but when I'm doing Zumba moves (or supposed to be) I need my latin! Or at least some pop! But then she started doing some choreography that I recognized from my other class and I didnt miss too many steps! That's surprising to me since it's been ten months since I've been to a class. I got to talking with her after class and turns out she trained under Debbie, my old instructor. As soon as Soccer season is over, (and tax school) I'm gonna pick up Zumba on Mondays and Thursdays as well. It's still a dream of mine to get certified (if the knee will cooperate)
So I've been exercising like crazy, eating right and I feel great and I look good in my clothes (have gone down a few sizes and could probably go down one more) but I still haven't lost any weight or even look like it in the mirror. Maybe I need to go to a weight loss doc...
And yes, I signed up for tax school. I start Monday and will go Mon/Wed from 6-9 for six weeks. No, I'm not changing careers--I LOVE my job! I just love being around all those babies! And I get paid well and treated well to do it! But if I complete this course, Jackson Hewitt (or some other tax place) will hire me back during tax season to do income tax returns and that pays very well as a side gig. I need to really sock away some money because I am going car shopping tomorrow (finally--pray!), am moving out at the end of this month, Christmas is coming up, my need/wish list is endless (as is Brooke's), Dylan is going to need more money next semester and I have a 15 year old driver that will be needing a car of her own soon (yes, I know she doesnt NEED one but it would actually help me out a lot for her to have one as well!)
And yes I'm moving out, not quite sure where yet and I'm scared shitless. But I'm excited at the same time. It's time for this wounded bird to try and fly again--even if it is solo with two baby birds hanging onto my feet!
Prayer requests: my car/house hunt, relationships, my mom & dad's health, and many other unspoken--large & small. God knows all about them and I know He's got it all handled. I just need peace.
Have a blessed weekend and week!
I am struggling in the relationship department lately and I dont mean the romantic relationships. I still dont have one of those! Just dating if you can call it that. There is someone I'm interested in but I'm still gunshy about opening my heart up to another man, I dont really have a lot of time and I'm still trying to navigate and learn all the "rules" to this "dating" thing. He makes me smile and for now, that's enough.
But my other relationships--my roommate/bestie, my mother, my 13 year old daughter...all I can say is UGH! I dont really want to share details on any of it right now, except to say the 13 yo is just typical mother-daughter 13 yo stuff. But I am reminded everyday that if God had given me that child first, the other two might not have made it here at all! lol I do love her though and admire her spirit. Wonder where she gets it from? ;)
But I'm kickin ass on everything else. I've walked a total of 9 1/3 miles this week. I started back to Zumba Tuesday night and started taking an adult dance (tap/hip hop/clogging combo) class Thursday night. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS loved dance and took for a while when I was younger. Then of course when I was a majorette in high school, I took a LOT of dance. I love every kind of dance. Took some bellydancing lessons a few years ago and loved it as well and I'd really like to do that again if I could find the time.
But my left knee is giving me a little bit of trouble. I never finished the physical therapy for it because of the divorce and so it's just very weak despite the walking and weights. I'm going to have to wrap it next week until I can build the strength back up in it.
I really loved getting back to Zumba. At first I wasn't jazzed because it just felt like aerobics to Christian music. That's not REAL zumba! I love Christian music but when I'm doing Zumba moves (or supposed to be) I need my latin! Or at least some pop! But then she started doing some choreography that I recognized from my other class and I didnt miss too many steps! That's surprising to me since it's been ten months since I've been to a class. I got to talking with her after class and turns out she trained under Debbie, my old instructor. As soon as Soccer season is over, (and tax school) I'm gonna pick up Zumba on Mondays and Thursdays as well. It's still a dream of mine to get certified (if the knee will cooperate)
So I've been exercising like crazy, eating right and I feel great and I look good in my clothes (have gone down a few sizes and could probably go down one more) but I still haven't lost any weight or even look like it in the mirror. Maybe I need to go to a weight loss doc...
And yes, I signed up for tax school. I start Monday and will go Mon/Wed from 6-9 for six weeks. No, I'm not changing careers--I LOVE my job! I just love being around all those babies! And I get paid well and treated well to do it! But if I complete this course, Jackson Hewitt (or some other tax place) will hire me back during tax season to do income tax returns and that pays very well as a side gig. I need to really sock away some money because I am going car shopping tomorrow (finally--pray!), am moving out at the end of this month, Christmas is coming up, my need/wish list is endless (as is Brooke's), Dylan is going to need more money next semester and I have a 15 year old driver that will be needing a car of her own soon (yes, I know she doesnt NEED one but it would actually help me out a lot for her to have one as well!)
And yes I'm moving out, not quite sure where yet and I'm scared shitless. But I'm excited at the same time. It's time for this wounded bird to try and fly again--even if it is solo with two baby birds hanging onto my feet!
Prayer requests: my car/house hunt, relationships, my mom & dad's health, and many other unspoken--large & small. God knows all about them and I know He's got it all handled. I just need peace.
Have a blessed weekend and week!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Emotions
I'm not emotional like most women "get emotional". I take a pill for that.
But the emotions (if they can even be called that) I do get seem backwards or criss-crossed from what other people seem to (or claim to) have.
I care about things I shouldn't. Like making sure I get the last word in a smack-talking argument against an obnoxious, dumbass Auburn fan. And I could seemingly care less about things I SHOULD care about. Like offending a friend or hurting their feelings. I dont think I dont REALLY care but I just dont feel what I think I should most of the time.
I fall easily for men I shouldn't. From one extreme--a drug addicted, abusive psychopath; to a lesser extreme--developing feelings of attachment to friends (some with "benefits") who I know (and sometimes have made it clear) have no interest in having any kind of a relationship with me.
But those that have proven to truly love almost unconditionally--like my ex husband of 21 years or any man that seems to express a genuine interest in me other than sexually--well, I just dont reciprocate.
Even in my work, I lavish love and affection on those children in my care but am far less affectionate with the children in my own family (please note: my own children are teenagers and dont WANT me to love on them all the time, however please know that I did when they were little and still do when I can get away with it!) and with my nephews--I dont see a whole lot of them like I wished I could and when I do, after 40 hours of babies every week, I'm just quite honestly over it. I hate that I feel that way and I DO love them but...it is what it is!
And so I can't help but wonder...am I "emotionally challenged"?
And if so, is there a pill for that?
:)
But the emotions (if they can even be called that) I do get seem backwards or criss-crossed from what other people seem to (or claim to) have.
I care about things I shouldn't. Like making sure I get the last word in a smack-talking argument against an obnoxious, dumbass Auburn fan. And I could seemingly care less about things I SHOULD care about. Like offending a friend or hurting their feelings. I dont think I dont REALLY care but I just dont feel what I think I should most of the time.
I fall easily for men I shouldn't. From one extreme--a drug addicted, abusive psychopath; to a lesser extreme--developing feelings of attachment to friends (some with "benefits") who I know (and sometimes have made it clear) have no interest in having any kind of a relationship with me.
But those that have proven to truly love almost unconditionally--like my ex husband of 21 years or any man that seems to express a genuine interest in me other than sexually--well, I just dont reciprocate.
Even in my work, I lavish love and affection on those children in my care but am far less affectionate with the children in my own family (please note: my own children are teenagers and dont WANT me to love on them all the time, however please know that I did when they were little and still do when I can get away with it!) and with my nephews--I dont see a whole lot of them like I wished I could and when I do, after 40 hours of babies every week, I'm just quite honestly over it. I hate that I feel that way and I DO love them but...it is what it is!
And so I can't help but wonder...am I "emotionally challenged"?
And if so, is there a pill for that?
:)
Kayti's first tailgating trip...
The girls have been wanting to go tailgating with me since last year. Since the divorce it seems like every weekend I go, it's their weekend to go to their dads until finally, the Alabama vs. Arkansas game! And it was day after payday so I knew I would have a little bit of cash to show them a good time. There were only two problems:
1) Brooke had a soccer game and when given the choice to stay behind at her dads so she could play or skip it and go, she opted to stay. That kid really loves soccer! Hopefully, she'll get another chance!
2) Sean & Natasha weren't going. They have the whole set up--tents, fans, grill, tv, etc. Love love love me some Sean & Natasha and hope they're there next time I get to take the girls.
But we had a blast anyway. Christy met up with us and tagged along. We walked all over campus and the surrounding area and I kid you not, it's like being in Heaven. We did run into some demons (obnoxious Arkansas fans! hello, you dont go to someone else's backyard and act like an ass!) but mostly everyone is just down there to have a good time and enjoy themselves. Everyone's in a good mood and very gracious.
We had lunch at Little Italy and then walked to the quad and found a place to set up near some very nice folks.
After the big win, we met Dylan in front of the stadium (little shit has tickets to all home games!) and we went to eat some barbecue for dinner to celebrate the slaughter of the hogs!
Kayti seemed to enjoy the atmosphere and of course, seeing her brother who is having a BLAST and has already gained 5 of the freshman 15! lol
Here are a few pictures:
even my beer gets dressed up for tailgating!
Dylan and Kayti near the altar (Bryant Denny)
Dylan, Kayti & Shari
me and Kayti on the quad
me and Shari on the quad
me, Dylan and Kayti in front of Bryant Denny
me, Shari & Christy on the quad
me and Shari with St. Saban
1) Brooke had a soccer game and when given the choice to stay behind at her dads so she could play or skip it and go, she opted to stay. That kid really loves soccer! Hopefully, she'll get another chance!
2) Sean & Natasha weren't going. They have the whole set up--tents, fans, grill, tv, etc. Love love love me some Sean & Natasha and hope they're there next time I get to take the girls.
But we had a blast anyway. Christy met up with us and tagged along. We walked all over campus and the surrounding area and I kid you not, it's like being in Heaven. We did run into some demons (obnoxious Arkansas fans! hello, you dont go to someone else's backyard and act like an ass!) but mostly everyone is just down there to have a good time and enjoy themselves. Everyone's in a good mood and very gracious.
We had lunch at Little Italy and then walked to the quad and found a place to set up near some very nice folks.
After the big win, we met Dylan in front of the stadium (little shit has tickets to all home games!) and we went to eat some barbecue for dinner to celebrate the slaughter of the hogs!
Kayti seemed to enjoy the atmosphere and of course, seeing her brother who is having a BLAST and has already gained 5 of the freshman 15! lol
Here are a few pictures:
even my beer gets dressed up for tailgating!
Dylan and Kayti near the altar (Bryant Denny)
Dylan, Kayti & Shari
me and Kayti on the quad
me and Shari on the quad
me, Dylan and Kayti in front of Bryant Denny
me, Shari & Christy on the quad
me and Shari with St. Saban
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My weight
Yes I realize I am carrying around a few extra pounds but if you think you can use that against me and my self esteem think again!
I am in FABULOUS shape for a woman my age. No, my body is not perfect. I have carried, delivered naturally and nursed three children. I have had some surgeries--nothing major but they've left scars and distorted parts of my body I'm not eager to show off! But I exercise EVERY day. I watch what I eat and a year and a half ago, I had lost a LOT of weight.
Then I had to have knee surgery (birth defect) and because of the physical therapy I had to endure (followed by my unplanned, yet totally deserved, divorce) I have put some of the weight back on. But I'm working on getting it off through my diet and exercise routine and am planning on some plastic surgery in the near future.
Not that I say this with the intention of putting down ANY of my friends or anyone else, when I look around I see people who are thinner and in better shape than me but I also see A LOT of people who are worse off--to the point of having major health problems. I dont have to take any medications for weight-related health issues, havent had to have any surgeries because of strain on joints or other bones and I can still hold my own on the dance floor, around the track or doing any other strenuous activity with a LOT of women HALF my age.
So I'm PROUD of the way I look and if you dont like it--bite me! I will soon have a body you'll never get to touch ever or again!
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I am in FABULOUS shape for a woman my age. No, my body is not perfect. I have carried, delivered naturally and nursed three children. I have had some surgeries--nothing major but they've left scars and distorted parts of my body I'm not eager to show off! But I exercise EVERY day. I watch what I eat and a year and a half ago, I had lost a LOT of weight.
Then I had to have knee surgery (birth defect) and because of the physical therapy I had to endure (followed by my unplanned, yet totally deserved, divorce) I have put some of the weight back on. But I'm working on getting it off through my diet and exercise routine and am planning on some plastic surgery in the near future.
Not that I say this with the intention of putting down ANY of my friends or anyone else, when I look around I see people who are thinner and in better shape than me but I also see A LOT of people who are worse off--to the point of having major health problems. I dont have to take any medications for weight-related health issues, havent had to have any surgeries because of strain on joints or other bones and I can still hold my own on the dance floor, around the track or doing any other strenuous activity with a LOT of women HALF my age.
So I'm PROUD of the way I look and if you dont like it--bite me! I will soon have a body you'll never get to touch ever or again!
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Some stuff about me
1. I am not politically correct.
2. But I DO have my own set of values, etc.
3. Such as, after seeing the movie Blood Diamond, I could care less if I ever own another diamond.
4. And I dont care for fur just because I think it's tacky looking.
5. And trying to cut down on eating so much meat just because it's not good for me.
6. But neither is eating NONE at all.
7. I love animals but I'm not a nutso-PETA freak.
8. I love dogs--well, really just my dog, I dont really care about your dog. (except for my bffs)
9. I love my jewelry but it's all cheap.
10. Because when you take care of nine 1 year olds, chances are, something is gonna get ripped off of you.
11. And I'd rather spend my money (or yours) on other stuff.
12. Like going somewhere! Let's travel baby!
13. I've been lots of places already but no way is my bucket list near complete!
14. Yes, I actually have a bucket list.
15. I am not gaga over shoes, purses or shopping in general.
16. I do like to dress well and match everything though.
17. I absolutely HATE professional wrestling!
18. I will watch UFC but there better be some alcohol nearby.
19. Generally there is always alcohol nearby.
20. But no, I'm not an alcoholic, lush or whatever. I dont drink every day and when I do, I handle it well.
21. Except for drunk texting. Im still working on that! lol
22. I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some football!!! Especially Alabama football!! ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!
23. I love tailgating, camping, canoeing, tubing, roadtrips...
24. I'll try anything once.
25. Twice if I liked it the first time!
26. I love babies and old people.
27. As long as they're not driving in front of me--the old people I mean.
28. I love my friends--girls and guys (benefits or not! lol)
29. I dont watch a lot of TV.
30. I love to read--I'm a big nerd that way!
31. I love all kinds of music!
32. I love to laugh--if it's funny, it's funny!
33. I love to exercise and was getting in real good shape until knee surgery, now I gotta start all over again! Ugh!
34. My family is a bunch of nuts but I love them anyway!
35. I'm probably the biggest nut of all of them!
36. I think Celexa should be in the drinking water!
37. I love to paint, pictures, walls anything.
38. I'm very crafty, especially when I have time.
39. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit.
40. I love to write and wish I could devote more time to it.
41. I love to take pictures.
42. I am good in bed. I could do it for hours and hours and hours.
43. Sleep that is! lol
44. Other things, too--or so I've been told...lol
45. I think people should be more accepting and less judgmental.
46. If people are happy and not hurting anybody, why do you care?
47. I love to organize things.
48. I love to dance.
49. I am VERY rpoud of my children.
50. And I love them more than anything else I've mentioned here!
2. But I DO have my own set of values, etc.
3. Such as, after seeing the movie Blood Diamond, I could care less if I ever own another diamond.
4. And I dont care for fur just because I think it's tacky looking.
5. And trying to cut down on eating so much meat just because it's not good for me.
6. But neither is eating NONE at all.
7. I love animals but I'm not a nutso-PETA freak.
8. I love dogs--well, really just my dog, I dont really care about your dog. (except for my bffs)
9. I love my jewelry but it's all cheap.
10. Because when you take care of nine 1 year olds, chances are, something is gonna get ripped off of you.
11. And I'd rather spend my money (or yours) on other stuff.
12. Like going somewhere! Let's travel baby!
13. I've been lots of places already but no way is my bucket list near complete!
14. Yes, I actually have a bucket list.
15. I am not gaga over shoes, purses or shopping in general.
16. I do like to dress well and match everything though.
17. I absolutely HATE professional wrestling!
18. I will watch UFC but there better be some alcohol nearby.
19. Generally there is always alcohol nearby.
20. But no, I'm not an alcoholic, lush or whatever. I dont drink every day and when I do, I handle it well.
21. Except for drunk texting. Im still working on that! lol
22. I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some football!!! Especially Alabama football!! ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!
23. I love tailgating, camping, canoeing, tubing, roadtrips...
24. I'll try anything once.
25. Twice if I liked it the first time!
26. I love babies and old people.
27. As long as they're not driving in front of me--the old people I mean.
28. I love my friends--girls and guys (benefits or not! lol)
29. I dont watch a lot of TV.
30. I love to read--I'm a big nerd that way!
31. I love all kinds of music!
32. I love to laugh--if it's funny, it's funny!
33. I love to exercise and was getting in real good shape until knee surgery, now I gotta start all over again! Ugh!
34. My family is a bunch of nuts but I love them anyway!
35. I'm probably the biggest nut of all of them!
36. I think Celexa should be in the drinking water!
37. I love to paint, pictures, walls anything.
38. I'm very crafty, especially when I have time.
39. I have a very low tolerance for bullshit.
40. I love to write and wish I could devote more time to it.
41. I love to take pictures.
42. I am good in bed. I could do it for hours and hours and hours.
43. Sleep that is! lol
44. Other things, too--or so I've been told...lol
45. I think people should be more accepting and less judgmental.
46. If people are happy and not hurting anybody, why do you care?
47. I love to organize things.
48. I love to dance.
49. I am VERY rpoud of my children.
50. And I love them more than anything else I've mentioned here!
Harry Potter
When the books first started coming out, I tried to jump on the bandwagon and read them...I just couldnt get into it. It's not that I'm in that anti-Harry Potter/witchcraft/it's-not-Christian crap, (if that's your opinion, great, fine whatever, it's just not mine) I'm just not a big fan of sci-fi/fantasy literature or anything like that. Never seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy, not a Narnia fan either. Just not my genre...in fact the only thing remotely like that I've ever been interested is Highlander: The Series and my gosh--look at him!!! Who wouldnt be? lol
When my son started reading the books I tried to be ineteretsed again for him and I survived the first two movies. He had a Harry Potter birthday party when he turned ten and he read every book as soon as it came out.
A few years ago my oldest daughter began reading them when she was bored waiting for the next Twilight book to come out and she liked them, too.
Just this past year, my youngest daughter Brooke discovered them and is ALL into the world of Harry...so much so that she's about driven me crazy talking about it.
Of course, they HAD to see that last movie last week and that is ALL I've heard all weekend...how sad it is the series is ending, mom, we have to go to Universal to Hogwarts, I need a wand, blah blah blah!
I had been secretly GLAD the whole thing is over because I'm so sick of hearing about it and defending my choice to allow my CHRISTIAN children to read the books and watch the movies. But then Brooke posted the other day about how it was something that she, her sister and brother had all shared--their interest in the story...its timelessness and the fact that it was something all three grew up on. That struck a chord in this overly-nostalgic mother's heart! Yet another sign that my babies' childhoods have come /are coming to an end and so is a phase of my own life. They grow up so fast...
So so long, Harry! Thanks for being a part of our family, for creating an interest in reading in my children, for blessing them with hours of entertainment, for enabling me to think about my own convictions and be able to intelligently and genuinely defend them to others. You will be missed...for now. But in my 41 years I've learned that great stories and characters usually find their way into new generations and audiences and I have two nephews, a niece on the way and I'm sure one day, *gasp* grandchildren. I'm almost positive I'll be hearing your name again!
.
When my son started reading the books I tried to be ineteretsed again for him and I survived the first two movies. He had a Harry Potter birthday party when he turned ten and he read every book as soon as it came out.
A few years ago my oldest daughter began reading them when she was bored waiting for the next Twilight book to come out and she liked them, too.
Just this past year, my youngest daughter Brooke discovered them and is ALL into the world of Harry...so much so that she's about driven me crazy talking about it.
Of course, they HAD to see that last movie last week and that is ALL I've heard all weekend...how sad it is the series is ending, mom, we have to go to Universal to Hogwarts, I need a wand, blah blah blah!
I had been secretly GLAD the whole thing is over because I'm so sick of hearing about it and defending my choice to allow my CHRISTIAN children to read the books and watch the movies. But then Brooke posted the other day about how it was something that she, her sister and brother had all shared--their interest in the story...its timelessness and the fact that it was something all three grew up on. That struck a chord in this overly-nostalgic mother's heart! Yet another sign that my babies' childhoods have come /are coming to an end and so is a phase of my own life. They grow up so fast...
So so long, Harry! Thanks for being a part of our family, for creating an interest in reading in my children, for blessing them with hours of entertainment, for enabling me to think about my own convictions and be able to intelligently and genuinely defend them to others. You will be missed...for now. But in my 41 years I've learned that great stories and characters usually find their way into new generations and audiences and I have two nephews, a niece on the way and I'm sure one day, *gasp* grandchildren. I'm almost positive I'll be hearing your name again!
.
Status Shuffles
Had to clean out my "favorites" box of Status Shuffles. It was getting way too long. But I love this app! Love that someone else has had the same thoughts (even though sometimes twisted! lol) as me at one time or another.And so many of them are just downright hillarious! Hope you enjoy!
Funny as hell:
*There is a thin line between sanity and insanity...and I just snorted it.
*You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants
*youre checking out my page again..... you must think im sexy!
*It's not complicated. You're just stupid.
*F*ck karma, I'm the bitch you gotta worry about!
*is feeling off today, anyone want to turn me on?
*sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please
*I need a Do Not Enter sign for my bubble
*I still think it's hilarious you chose your fat, ugly wife over me...lol yeah good luck with that!
True as hell:
*Like me, love me, or hate me--either way, you have to wake up each morning knowing you have feelings for me!
*If you dont have time for your kids when they are grwoing up, don't expect them to have time for you when they are GROWN up!
*will never understand how someone can say they love someone and have no regard for that persons feelings or the damage their actions cause
*There is a feeling I dont know how to describe, I just know it's there.
*Love me or hate me, either way it aint gonna break me
Funny & True:
*I don't just think that marijuana should be legalized, for some people it should be mandatory.
*Ignorance is only bliss for the ignorant, for the rest of us it's painfully irritating.
*is one idiot away from being a CSI suspect...you have been warned.
*I do not agree with your opinion, however I do admire your persistent dedication to your wrongness.
*if you have a problem with the way I live my life,its o.k.! At least I have a life.All you have is a problem
Some I made up:
*Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places
*I am a strong, independent woman. I wont bend and I sure as HELL wont break!
*The "hormones" excuse women give for not wanting sex is bullshit! Guys, trust me, it's YOU. You ain't doing something right, either in bed or out of it!
* Look, I just want to do my best at my job, raising my kids, having a good time. I do not want drama. Act like the adult you're supposed to be and leave me alone
*There are only two things I need in my life right now--friendship and sex. If you're looking for more than that, move on please.
*Nice try, Mom but you're NOT making me cry! & to answer your question...as long as he doesn't stick it in my ear or up my nose, there's NOTHING to argue about!
*Nobody can be anybody's everything.
*I don't forget because I'm smart, not stupid but I also forgive because I'm strong, not weak.
*Lying is bad enough but when you have no reason to lie and you do it...that's really pathetic.
*I'm either your friend or your enemy...you decide.
Sex & the City Quotes:
"Women are for friendships--men are for screwing!"~~Samantha
“Maybe you’re only alloted a certain amount of tears per man; and I’ve used mine up.” ~~Carrie
“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”~~Carrie
"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty." ~~Carrie
"I'd love to be friends with an ex bf. But I can't help it, I feel more like, 'Okay it didnt work out between us, you need to not exist'"~~Miranda
and the truest of all and not so very funny...
*I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want
Funny as hell:
*There is a thin line between sanity and insanity...and I just snorted it.
*You have more dick in your personality than you do in your pants
*youre checking out my page again..... you must think im sexy!
*It's not complicated. You're just stupid.
*F*ck karma, I'm the bitch you gotta worry about!
*is feeling off today, anyone want to turn me on?
*sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please
*I need a Do Not Enter sign for my bubble
*I still think it's hilarious you chose your fat, ugly wife over me...lol yeah good luck with that!
True as hell:
*Like me, love me, or hate me--either way, you have to wake up each morning knowing you have feelings for me!
*If you dont have time for your kids when they are grwoing up, don't expect them to have time for you when they are GROWN up!
*will never understand how someone can say they love someone and have no regard for that persons feelings or the damage their actions cause
*There is a feeling I dont know how to describe, I just know it's there.
*Love me or hate me, either way it aint gonna break me
Funny & True:
*I don't just think that marijuana should be legalized, for some people it should be mandatory.
*Ignorance is only bliss for the ignorant, for the rest of us it's painfully irritating.
*is one idiot away from being a CSI suspect...you have been warned.
*I do not agree with your opinion, however I do admire your persistent dedication to your wrongness.
*if you have a problem with the way I live my life,its o.k.! At least I have a life.All you have is a problem
Some I made up:
*Sometimes you find friends in the most unexpected places
*I am a strong, independent woman. I wont bend and I sure as HELL wont break!
*The "hormones" excuse women give for not wanting sex is bullshit! Guys, trust me, it's YOU. You ain't doing something right, either in bed or out of it!
* Look, I just want to do my best at my job, raising my kids, having a good time. I do not want drama. Act like the adult you're supposed to be and leave me alone
*There are only two things I need in my life right now--friendship and sex. If you're looking for more than that, move on please.
*Nice try, Mom but you're NOT making me cry! & to answer your question...as long as he doesn't stick it in my ear or up my nose, there's NOTHING to argue about!
*Nobody can be anybody's everything.
*I don't forget because I'm smart, not stupid but I also forgive because I'm strong, not weak.
*Lying is bad enough but when you have no reason to lie and you do it...that's really pathetic.
*I'm either your friend or your enemy...you decide.
Sex & the City Quotes:
"Women are for friendships--men are for screwing!"~~Samantha
“Maybe you’re only alloted a certain amount of tears per man; and I’ve used mine up.” ~~Carrie
“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”~~Carrie
"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty." ~~Carrie
"I'd love to be friends with an ex bf. But I can't help it, I feel more like, 'Okay it didnt work out between us, you need to not exist'"~~Miranda
and the truest of all and not so very funny...
*I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want
Bill Gates to High School students on the real world:
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMESas you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one..
If you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!
.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMESas you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one..
If you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!
.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Great weekend!!
I love EVERY day of my wonderful life but I really love my weekends! Whether I have my girls or not, I just really enjoy the time I get to call the shots about what I will and will not do!
Friday started out with me taking half the day off and taking Kayti to her Algebra class. I waited for her to get out, she skipped driver's ed and I took her to get her permit. Long story shorter, I wound up having to take her to Oneonta to take the test so it took up most of our day. She passed, of course and so I now have the joy of teaching ANOTHER teenager how to drive a loaded weapon! Yea me! lol
No, she's a good girl and I'm proud and excited for her. I plan on getting her a car with my income tax return. Of course that is all pending on me buying a car for myself at the end of this month and us getting a place of our end before the end of the year.
We finally decided on where--we are moving back to Clay. The girls both decided they want to go back to public school but if they go back to public they want to go to Clay where they already have friends. Brooke is fascinated by the danceline and the idea of playing school soccer. She is the kind of kid that will thrive whatever she does--public school or homeschool. And I had a blast in high school so I dont mind her having the same positive experiences I did. Kayti is more like her brother and Jeff. They could have cared LESS about high school except for getting out! And I was prepared to let Kayti continue homeschooling but she said if Brooke went back she wanted to also. That's fine. I know it isnt going to be easy finding a place in Clay that's gonna fit in my budget but I figured as long as I keep working in Trussville and the girls and their activies are primarily concentrated in Clay, I will save a LOT of gas. And of course, I will save on CORE tuition. I dont want or need anything fancy. Would love to find a townhouse for rent that allows pets. Three bedroom two bath would be perfect. The girls could each have their own room, we would have enough space to spread out a little bit and just enough yard space for Madylan Penelope to run around and no so much grass for me to cut! Be in prayer for us find just such a place within my budget.
After she got her permit, I had to bust ass to get to work. I had found a sub for the first part of the day but no one could do the 3-6 so I had to go in. I didnt mind, it was just a rush and I felt like a chicken with my head cut off! But when I walked in the door of my classroom, little Demi came running up to me! Those babies have my heart! Especially Vivi, Demi, Bryant and Reid. I know I'm not supposed to have favorites and I promise you I love on and am good to all of them. But those four are so much fun even if they aren't the best behaved! I love their feisty little spirits! I love my job!
When I got off, I rushed home and Jeff had already picked up the girls for his weekend visitation. I got ready and Shari and I went to meet Angela, Toni, Stacy, and Aldona for dinner and then we all went to the ER. I was bored at first but it livened up finally when people started getting there. I saw a lot of old familiar faces and omg, have we all gotten old and fat! lol I wound up staying till the place closed down and then Tammy, Mike, Angela S. and I went to the Waffle House.
Saturday I vegged most of the day until time to watch my Tide and then I headed over to Tammy's house. She had a housefull as usual and I saw some more old familiar faces and of course, had a good time.
Sunday--a day Shari and I usually veg out around the house we decided to get out. We went to Homewood to the spice store and then to Trussville. We looked around Cato's the Dollar Jewelry store and TJ Maxx and then met Steven for lunch at Hooters. We watched the Packers kick the Panthers asses and then came home. I spent some time with another very special friend and now it's time to start the week all over again!
But as I reflect on the weekend I realize how blessed I am to have such loving friends in my life. I also accomplished three major things:
1) I didnt "drunk text" anyone Saturday night!
2) I got a booty call at 11:30 p.m and I was strong enough to turn it down! I like the guy but he's YOUNG! And apparently has a LOT of growing up to do! I dont mind not being anyone's "significant other", I'm enjoying my singleness for now, but I will NOT be disrespected by anyone!
3) I had a chance to get back at Craig--major opportunity to fuck up his whole world but I declned. I proved to myself I really am over it--I dont care anymore. I was even tested on this further when he made ugly comments about the picture I'm about to post but I did not respond. God is going to handle him. God already HAS handled him.
Me and Judy Brown Cannell at Tammy's Saturday night:
I'm on top of the world right now but I know I still have a long way to go. Just praying I can stay positive while I keep climbing!
Friday started out with me taking half the day off and taking Kayti to her Algebra class. I waited for her to get out, she skipped driver's ed and I took her to get her permit. Long story shorter, I wound up having to take her to Oneonta to take the test so it took up most of our day. She passed, of course and so I now have the joy of teaching ANOTHER teenager how to drive a loaded weapon! Yea me! lol
No, she's a good girl and I'm proud and excited for her. I plan on getting her a car with my income tax return. Of course that is all pending on me buying a car for myself at the end of this month and us getting a place of our end before the end of the year.
We finally decided on where--we are moving back to Clay. The girls both decided they want to go back to public school but if they go back to public they want to go to Clay where they already have friends. Brooke is fascinated by the danceline and the idea of playing school soccer. She is the kind of kid that will thrive whatever she does--public school or homeschool. And I had a blast in high school so I dont mind her having the same positive experiences I did. Kayti is more like her brother and Jeff. They could have cared LESS about high school except for getting out! And I was prepared to let Kayti continue homeschooling but she said if Brooke went back she wanted to also. That's fine. I know it isnt going to be easy finding a place in Clay that's gonna fit in my budget but I figured as long as I keep working in Trussville and the girls and their activies are primarily concentrated in Clay, I will save a LOT of gas. And of course, I will save on CORE tuition. I dont want or need anything fancy. Would love to find a townhouse for rent that allows pets. Three bedroom two bath would be perfect. The girls could each have their own room, we would have enough space to spread out a little bit and just enough yard space for Madylan Penelope to run around and no so much grass for me to cut! Be in prayer for us find just such a place within my budget.
After she got her permit, I had to bust ass to get to work. I had found a sub for the first part of the day but no one could do the 3-6 so I had to go in. I didnt mind, it was just a rush and I felt like a chicken with my head cut off! But when I walked in the door of my classroom, little Demi came running up to me! Those babies have my heart! Especially Vivi, Demi, Bryant and Reid. I know I'm not supposed to have favorites and I promise you I love on and am good to all of them. But those four are so much fun even if they aren't the best behaved! I love their feisty little spirits! I love my job!
When I got off, I rushed home and Jeff had already picked up the girls for his weekend visitation. I got ready and Shari and I went to meet Angela, Toni, Stacy, and Aldona for dinner and then we all went to the ER. I was bored at first but it livened up finally when people started getting there. I saw a lot of old familiar faces and omg, have we all gotten old and fat! lol I wound up staying till the place closed down and then Tammy, Mike, Angela S. and I went to the Waffle House.
Saturday I vegged most of the day until time to watch my Tide and then I headed over to Tammy's house. She had a housefull as usual and I saw some more old familiar faces and of course, had a good time.
Sunday--a day Shari and I usually veg out around the house we decided to get out. We went to Homewood to the spice store and then to Trussville. We looked around Cato's the Dollar Jewelry store and TJ Maxx and then met Steven for lunch at Hooters. We watched the Packers kick the Panthers asses and then came home. I spent some time with another very special friend and now it's time to start the week all over again!
But as I reflect on the weekend I realize how blessed I am to have such loving friends in my life. I also accomplished three major things:
1) I didnt "drunk text" anyone Saturday night!
2) I got a booty call at 11:30 p.m and I was strong enough to turn it down! I like the guy but he's YOUNG! And apparently has a LOT of growing up to do! I dont mind not being anyone's "significant other", I'm enjoying my singleness for now, but I will NOT be disrespected by anyone!
3) I had a chance to get back at Craig--major opportunity to fuck up his whole world but I declned. I proved to myself I really am over it--I dont care anymore. I was even tested on this further when he made ugly comments about the picture I'm about to post but I did not respond. God is going to handle him. God already HAS handled him.
Me and Judy Brown Cannell at Tammy's Saturday night:
I'm on top of the world right now but I know I still have a long way to go. Just praying I can stay positive while I keep climbing!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Weekly news
Trying not to wait so long in between posts. The memory is not so good these days (the short-term memory anyway) and then I forget to share stuff!
Of course when I try and post more often, it seems there's not so much going on.
Loving my new job still. But my schedule is crazy! One of my sweet co-workers agreed to swap shifts with me on Monday and Thursday so I could take Brooke to soccer practice since the ex, who gets off at 4:30 and could do it has turned out to be useless. And no, I'm not trying to bad-mouth him but the truth is the truth. I never thought I'd see the day when he would act like he's been acting. He cares more about working overtime that he doesnt have to work than taking care of his kids. So I guess this mama has to give up REGULAR hours sometimes to take care of business! I think he's turned everything into a competition. He's trying to rack up money so he can accomplish more sooner than I can or something so he can say "haha". Whatever. If it's a competition, I've already won because his daughters are quickly losing respect for him and believe it or not, I have NOT said a word! But they are old enough to see what's going on and realize where they fall on his priority list.
Any time I've even asked him to do anything for them he acts like it's doing a favor to ME! It blows my mind that after being married for 21 years and him seeing what all I went through with my own dad that he would treat his kids like he has been. But that's okay. My mama raised a hell of a strong woman. I will do what I gotta do and I'm raising my girls the same way!
I am officially registered for Race for the Cure and have been training! I'm really excited but frustrated at the same time. I want to run SO BAD but so afraid my doc is right so I'm trying to walk it in under 45 minutes and it's hard!
Bama played away at Penn State so no tailgating this time. Instead went to a party at Tammy's house and had a BLAST! Love me some Tammy.
I had sort of being seeing someone but it wasnt serious. More like a friends with benefits thing even though I do really like him. But I met someone else and I think I'm gonng give that a chance. I'm scared shitless about getting into a relationship again. Trying to go VERY slow. But he is a sweetheart and treats me like a queen and not just an afterthought. It's been on my mind a lot lately about how it would work out. He has two boys in one school and my two girls are in another (and maybe about to go to yet another). I've no desire to move where he is and dont think his kids would want to move this way either but as I was contemplating all this I realized I was getting ahead of myself. God told me you can go slow and fast at the same time--you'll destroy your transmission. He said to just take it day by day and if this is His plan for me, He will work out all the details. That's a hard thing for my anal-retentive OCD self to do. I got to PLAN!!! Even if the plans dont work out I gotta at least have one! But I'm trying to take His advice. He's already met the kids. He came over Sunday to fix my car and they were here. It was tense and he said he could feel that. I'd tried to tell him they aren't ready to see mama with someone else yet that's why I'd tried to keep my dating/personal life separate. Yes, I come as a package deal but until I'm sure I want someone in MY life, I dont like to introduce people into THEIR life.
Anyway, just taking EVERYTHING one day at a time has been a totally new experience for me. But so far it seems to be working!
Have a great week and be blessed!
Of course when I try and post more often, it seems there's not so much going on.
Loving my new job still. But my schedule is crazy! One of my sweet co-workers agreed to swap shifts with me on Monday and Thursday so I could take Brooke to soccer practice since the ex, who gets off at 4:30 and could do it has turned out to be useless. And no, I'm not trying to bad-mouth him but the truth is the truth. I never thought I'd see the day when he would act like he's been acting. He cares more about working overtime that he doesnt have to work than taking care of his kids. So I guess this mama has to give up REGULAR hours sometimes to take care of business! I think he's turned everything into a competition. He's trying to rack up money so he can accomplish more sooner than I can or something so he can say "haha". Whatever. If it's a competition, I've already won because his daughters are quickly losing respect for him and believe it or not, I have NOT said a word! But they are old enough to see what's going on and realize where they fall on his priority list.
Any time I've even asked him to do anything for them he acts like it's doing a favor to ME! It blows my mind that after being married for 21 years and him seeing what all I went through with my own dad that he would treat his kids like he has been. But that's okay. My mama raised a hell of a strong woman. I will do what I gotta do and I'm raising my girls the same way!
I am officially registered for Race for the Cure and have been training! I'm really excited but frustrated at the same time. I want to run SO BAD but so afraid my doc is right so I'm trying to walk it in under 45 minutes and it's hard!
Bama played away at Penn State so no tailgating this time. Instead went to a party at Tammy's house and had a BLAST! Love me some Tammy.
I had sort of being seeing someone but it wasnt serious. More like a friends with benefits thing even though I do really like him. But I met someone else and I think I'm gonng give that a chance. I'm scared shitless about getting into a relationship again. Trying to go VERY slow. But he is a sweetheart and treats me like a queen and not just an afterthought. It's been on my mind a lot lately about how it would work out. He has two boys in one school and my two girls are in another (and maybe about to go to yet another). I've no desire to move where he is and dont think his kids would want to move this way either but as I was contemplating all this I realized I was getting ahead of myself. God told me you can go slow and fast at the same time--you'll destroy your transmission. He said to just take it day by day and if this is His plan for me, He will work out all the details. That's a hard thing for my anal-retentive OCD self to do. I got to PLAN!!! Even if the plans dont work out I gotta at least have one! But I'm trying to take His advice. He's already met the kids. He came over Sunday to fix my car and they were here. It was tense and he said he could feel that. I'd tried to tell him they aren't ready to see mama with someone else yet that's why I'd tried to keep my dating/personal life separate. Yes, I come as a package deal but until I'm sure I want someone in MY life, I dont like to introduce people into THEIR life.
Anyway, just taking EVERYTHING one day at a time has been a totally new experience for me. But so far it seems to be working!
Have a great week and be blessed!
Monday, September 5, 2011
So much news to report...
I finished up my work at Clayridge. They wouldn't offer me full-time so I turned in notice. I hated to leave that bunch of kids but they didnt much act like they cared whether I stayed or went so I went. Turns out it was in my best interest. For the next few weeks after that, I made FINDING a job my new job. You guys know how anal I am about some things--I kept a binder and recorded all the ads I answered, leads I got and cold calls. It turned out that a cold call was the ticket! You just never know how God can work things out!
I sent letters of inquiry to approximately ten daycare centers along with my glowing resume on what a wonderful teacher I am (haha) and I got a call! The director and I hit it off and I was offered a job the same day. I was blown away by the pay--VERY high for a daycare--almost what I was making at the bank when I left years ago. Plus benefits!
I work in the 1 year old room with two other girls that I love--we get along great--and nine adorable little ones! I didn't much think I would like working with that age. They bite, they cant talk much to tell you what's wrong and oh yeah--diapers! But I have fallen in love with them just like I always do and I'm finding out I'd much rather change a diaper than listen to attitude! Never had much attitude with the 3's & 4's (still my faves) but those 5's & 6's I had last year--O...M...G!!! I also didnt think I'd care much for the hours (10-6) but I'm getting used to it. Plus one of my sweet co-workers offered to swap with me on Mondays and Thursdays so I can take Brooke to soccer since the ex was being useless so...it's all working out great!
I should get a full paycheck this Friday, catch a few things up and then be able to get a car by the end of the month (prayers please) then I can work on me and the girls getting out on our own (more prayers please).
The ex...we've had rounds 2500 and 2501 lately. Most of the time we get along but his attitude sometimes really sux. He acts like his child support is supposed to cover EVERYTHING the girls need. I can't believe as long as we were married and he knows the price of things that he has that attitude. I believe it's being fed by something or someone...never thought we'd have THESE kinds of fights. Also considers anything he does for his kids a favor to ME. That's one reason I'm in a hurry to move out on my own. To show him I dont need any help from him at all. But I think what it boils down to as long as I was with the psycho, didnt have a job, let alone a car or a place of my own, etc. he could tell himself that he was doing better than me. Now that things are falling into place for me and I am moving on with my life and not wallowing in regret for the mistakes I made, it bugs him a little. But he finally did get himself another car so maybe he can start getting out and be a little happier.
Moving out on my own...can't decide where to move to. Wanted to move to Ashley Manor in Moody so the girls would be close to their school and it was a place I could actually afford. But they dont allow pets and no way I'm getting rid of my little baby! Even though she DOES make me mad sometimes! She hogs more of the bed than any man I've ever shared a bed with! She's done well housetraining but sometimes she thinks her outdoor trips are for her to socialize and smell every blade of grass, rock and stick instead of to do what she's supposed to do. And when she and Bama go out together they LOVE crossing me up! But she's the sweetest thing and has been a huge comfort to me through all my ordeals. No way is she going anywhere.
Right now, I'm debating on trying to rent a house in Tarrant to stay close to my mom and Shari, an apartment in Trussville or back to Clay. We went to the Claws v. Paws the other night and I think Brooke may want to go back to public school. If she does decide to, she will not go to Tarrant or anywhere else. Clay would be the best choice for us. I'm not opposed to Springville but I dont want to move that far out again and she already has friends in Clay so the transition would be smooth.
We moved Dylan into the dorms at Alabama August 20. It was a LONG, chaotic, hard day but I managed NOT to cry too much and he seems to be really enjoying his classes, his roommates and campus life. I am SO proud and excited for him!
I've resumed my workouts and am making some progress. I'm planning to do Race for the Cure this year and my goal is to finish in under 45 minutes which will be tough since I'm not allowed to run! I still want to get a second opinion on that! But it'll have to wait till insurance kicks in.
I started a part-time job as a Blackjack dealer for a private company that provides gaming for private parties and charity events. I LOVE it. I hope to get called out on more gigs soon!
And my writing is going well. Just wish I had a better laptop!
I've put off relationships and dating for now. I dont really have time. I'll go out or do something if asked but I'm not worried about it so much. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes and I do have...um...needs but they have to be a few notches down on the priority list for now. Not getting back on plentyoffish.com anytime soon! Right now I'm just enjoying my friends and doing my own thing.
Got to tailgate for 'bama's season opener and had a BLAST!!! Met a niece of Shari's, her fiance and their friends down near the quad and we had the BEST time! Can't wait to go again! I love being in the promised land on gameday--especially when we win! ROLL TIDE!!!
I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be excited about. I'm very blessed and I know it!
I sent letters of inquiry to approximately ten daycare centers along with my glowing resume on what a wonderful teacher I am (haha) and I got a call! The director and I hit it off and I was offered a job the same day. I was blown away by the pay--VERY high for a daycare--almost what I was making at the bank when I left years ago. Plus benefits!
I work in the 1 year old room with two other girls that I love--we get along great--and nine adorable little ones! I didn't much think I would like working with that age. They bite, they cant talk much to tell you what's wrong and oh yeah--diapers! But I have fallen in love with them just like I always do and I'm finding out I'd much rather change a diaper than listen to attitude! Never had much attitude with the 3's & 4's (still my faves) but those 5's & 6's I had last year--O...M...G!!! I also didnt think I'd care much for the hours (10-6) but I'm getting used to it. Plus one of my sweet co-workers offered to swap with me on Mondays and Thursdays so I can take Brooke to soccer since the ex was being useless so...it's all working out great!
I should get a full paycheck this Friday, catch a few things up and then be able to get a car by the end of the month (prayers please) then I can work on me and the girls getting out on our own (more prayers please).
The ex...we've had rounds 2500 and 2501 lately. Most of the time we get along but his attitude sometimes really sux. He acts like his child support is supposed to cover EVERYTHING the girls need. I can't believe as long as we were married and he knows the price of things that he has that attitude. I believe it's being fed by something or someone...never thought we'd have THESE kinds of fights. Also considers anything he does for his kids a favor to ME. That's one reason I'm in a hurry to move out on my own. To show him I dont need any help from him at all. But I think what it boils down to as long as I was with the psycho, didnt have a job, let alone a car or a place of my own, etc. he could tell himself that he was doing better than me. Now that things are falling into place for me and I am moving on with my life and not wallowing in regret for the mistakes I made, it bugs him a little. But he finally did get himself another car so maybe he can start getting out and be a little happier.
Moving out on my own...can't decide where to move to. Wanted to move to Ashley Manor in Moody so the girls would be close to their school and it was a place I could actually afford. But they dont allow pets and no way I'm getting rid of my little baby! Even though she DOES make me mad sometimes! She hogs more of the bed than any man I've ever shared a bed with! She's done well housetraining but sometimes she thinks her outdoor trips are for her to socialize and smell every blade of grass, rock and stick instead of to do what she's supposed to do. And when she and Bama go out together they LOVE crossing me up! But she's the sweetest thing and has been a huge comfort to me through all my ordeals. No way is she going anywhere.
Right now, I'm debating on trying to rent a house in Tarrant to stay close to my mom and Shari, an apartment in Trussville or back to Clay. We went to the Claws v. Paws the other night and I think Brooke may want to go back to public school. If she does decide to, she will not go to Tarrant or anywhere else. Clay would be the best choice for us. I'm not opposed to Springville but I dont want to move that far out again and she already has friends in Clay so the transition would be smooth.
We moved Dylan into the dorms at Alabama August 20. It was a LONG, chaotic, hard day but I managed NOT to cry too much and he seems to be really enjoying his classes, his roommates and campus life. I am SO proud and excited for him!
I've resumed my workouts and am making some progress. I'm planning to do Race for the Cure this year and my goal is to finish in under 45 minutes which will be tough since I'm not allowed to run! I still want to get a second opinion on that! But it'll have to wait till insurance kicks in.
I started a part-time job as a Blackjack dealer for a private company that provides gaming for private parties and charity events. I LOVE it. I hope to get called out on more gigs soon!
And my writing is going well. Just wish I had a better laptop!
I've put off relationships and dating for now. I dont really have time. I'll go out or do something if asked but I'm not worried about it so much. Yes, I do get lonely sometimes and I do have...um...needs but they have to be a few notches down on the priority list for now. Not getting back on plentyoffish.com anytime soon! Right now I'm just enjoying my friends and doing my own thing.
Got to tailgate for 'bama's season opener and had a BLAST!!! Met a niece of Shari's, her fiance and their friends down near the quad and we had the BEST time! Can't wait to go again! I love being in the promised land on gameday--especially when we win! ROLL TIDE!!!
I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be excited about. I'm very blessed and I know it!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Yeah, I'm really behind!
So now I'm divorced. The girls and I are living with shari in Tarrant. Jeff moved in with his parents and Dylan is at Alabama.
Long story short (details in my journal or other blog), I cheated on Jeff with Craig Nix. It is without a doubt the absolute DUMBEST thing I have EVER done. Our relationship quickly turned abusive and I was able to get away. He's mentally ill and I still sometimes can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for his lies. And yet a part of me still cares deeply for him for some DUMBASS reason.
I'll try to do better at journaling here...
Long story short (details in my journal or other blog), I cheated on Jeff with Craig Nix. It is without a doubt the absolute DUMBEST thing I have EVER done. Our relationship quickly turned abusive and I was able to get away. He's mentally ill and I still sometimes can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for his lies. And yet a part of me still cares deeply for him for some DUMBASS reason.
I'll try to do better at journaling here...
Agh! Irritated! (mental/physical)
I overslept and am therefore missing my morning trip to the Y. I know I'll get to walk later while Brooke is at Soccer but I'm debating going back this evening after we get home to do weights. Hate to drive all the way back to Trussvegas but also hate to skip a day of weights!
At the same time I'm glad because I needed to get a few other things done but then bummed again because I could sleep a few more hours! And there is no caffeine in this house!
I made a decision last night that probably cost me a friend but I know it's for my own good as well as the friend's. I guess I was feeling convicted. But I've been through it before and thought I could handle things this time but I dont think I can. Not right now anyway. And I'm not sure I'm cut out for it ever. It's not that I wanted more, I just need to protect my sanity and emotional stability right now. My girls need me and I have too much to be focused on to worry about any romantic/sexual/whatever hassles. I know it was supposed to be simple...but somehow these things never are. Not for me. And I'm all about owning who I am and not pretending to be anything I'm not.
At the same time I'm glad because I needed to get a few other things done but then bummed again because I could sleep a few more hours! And there is no caffeine in this house!
I made a decision last night that probably cost me a friend but I know it's for my own good as well as the friend's. I guess I was feeling convicted. But I've been through it before and thought I could handle things this time but I dont think I can. Not right now anyway. And I'm not sure I'm cut out for it ever. It's not that I wanted more, I just need to protect my sanity and emotional stability right now. My girls need me and I have too much to be focused on to worry about any romantic/sexual/whatever hassles. I know it was supposed to be simple...but somehow these things never are. Not for me. And I'm all about owning who I am and not pretending to be anything I'm not.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
New rules and new routines (physical, mental, spiritual)
Starting working out again yesterday. Did four miles on the bike and weights. I got up this morning and went to Billy Hewitt park and did 2 miles in 49 minutes. That is not good. The Susan G. Komen is in little over a month and if I do the 5k, that is 3.1 miles and my goal is 45 minutes. Gonna be tough since I'm not supposed to be running. I keep thinking about getting a second opinion on that but every time I do, the left knee starts acting up again. I guess that's God's way of saying, "um, no!" Dangit. I really do like running.
Tomorrow I have to work 7:30-4:30 so I'm hitting the Y early for the bike/weights workout and I will do my walking around the soccer field while Brooke has soccer practice.
I'm hoping to throw in some floor exercises and zumba in here somewhere soon but trying to find a class has been difficult.
I've cut way back on the caffeine. I only have it in the mornings and around 3 in the afternoon. And absolutely NO caffeine after 6 p.m. The rest of the time, I drink water.
Also NO eating after 8 p.m. I would like to bump that up to 6 p.m. but with my schedule, it's just not possible right now. Still, it's a start.
I'm excited about getting my body back! And what I cant fix through diet and exercise, I'm looking into surgery. Like for my tummy. I do at least 50 crunches on the weight machine with 50 pounds EVERY day and I still cant get rid of my tummy. it's all brooke's fault! lol Well, not hers but the idiot doctor that decided to cut me to tie my tubes instead of going through the belly button like everyone else! Surgery is the only option to get rid of that.
I'm studying up on exercise physiology and nutrition and it's still on my to do list to get my zumba instructor certifcation as well.
Mentally, I'm doing well. Emotionally...it's been a tough week for various reasons but during my walk this morning I listed to some awesome praise and worship and during the day when I was thinking about a certain situation in my life, God put this verse on my heart:
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
You Scriptorians out there probably can name the book and verse. I just remember the words of the Lord and so I took steps to make sure my focus right now IS on the Lord and Him only. It was tough because it was something I really wanted. But I know God has been trying to teach me discipline for YEARS, decades even and it's time I started heeding His lead. It wont be easy. But I know it's the right thing.
Tomorrow I have to work 7:30-4:30 so I'm hitting the Y early for the bike/weights workout and I will do my walking around the soccer field while Brooke has soccer practice.
I'm hoping to throw in some floor exercises and zumba in here somewhere soon but trying to find a class has been difficult.
I've cut way back on the caffeine. I only have it in the mornings and around 3 in the afternoon. And absolutely NO caffeine after 6 p.m. The rest of the time, I drink water.
Also NO eating after 8 p.m. I would like to bump that up to 6 p.m. but with my schedule, it's just not possible right now. Still, it's a start.
I'm excited about getting my body back! And what I cant fix through diet and exercise, I'm looking into surgery. Like for my tummy. I do at least 50 crunches on the weight machine with 50 pounds EVERY day and I still cant get rid of my tummy. it's all brooke's fault! lol Well, not hers but the idiot doctor that decided to cut me to tie my tubes instead of going through the belly button like everyone else! Surgery is the only option to get rid of that.
I'm studying up on exercise physiology and nutrition and it's still on my to do list to get my zumba instructor certifcation as well.
Mentally, I'm doing well. Emotionally...it's been a tough week for various reasons but during my walk this morning I listed to some awesome praise and worship and during the day when I was thinking about a certain situation in my life, God put this verse on my heart:
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart."
You Scriptorians out there probably can name the book and verse. I just remember the words of the Lord and so I took steps to make sure my focus right now IS on the Lord and Him only. It was tough because it was something I really wanted. But I know God has been trying to teach me discipline for YEARS, decades even and it's time I started heeding His lead. It wont be easy. But I know it's the right thing.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The "plan"
One thing I learned in Brookwood and from my counselor is that every idea has to have a plan or it will always be just an idea.
Well, I've always been good at having a "plan". In fact, I love to plan. I keep a calendar, a to do list, love to plan parties and events, always try to get an idea of what I'll be doing tomorrow, the next day, the weekend...That's not to say I dont like surprises or cant be spontaneous. I am just a born planner.
But I dont always put action behind it so that's my number one goal right now. The "plan" is easy, it's the follow up that takes some commitment. Sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day, days in the week...to do all I want to do or even need to do. But that's no excuse for not trying.
The first thing I know I have to do is work harder at nuturing my relationship with my Lord & Savior. I think I step away from Him sometimes because I KNOW I dont measure up. Some of the things I do, choices I make, habits that are hard to give up, I know are in direct conflict with the way I know God wants me to live. Dying to the flesh every day is REALLY hard. I am so thankful that I love and serve a risen savior that understands that and extends grace to the point where my self-discipline ends. It's time for me to give Him more of me. Pray more, get into His word more. Let Him be my everything, especially now.
The second is health but I am SO blessed that that's the easy part. Talking with so many of my friends, I have discovered I am VERY healthy. I dont take near as many medicines as a lot of people do, dont have nearly as many aches and pains...and I want to keep it that way. Time NOT to go on a diet but to really pay attention to what goes into my body. Sugar and caffeine are on their way out! Alcohol will be significantly reduced very soon, though it's never been a problem for me, it still isn't "good" for me either.
The weight that creeped its way back on after my knee surgeries are on their way out also. I just about have a routine and workable schedule in place that includes, swimming laps, lifting weights, walking and zumba. It may take awhile to get back down to the size I need to be but I know it wont take long to start feeling better. I am a firm believer in endorphins! And it's important for me to be able to be in good shape. Too many things on my "bucket list" are physically demanding!
Mentally--I love my celexa. But there are still days when certain people can push my buttons, though it's getting tougher and tougher for them to accomplish that and the occurrences are fewer and further between. And I know when I get the spiritual and the exercise going good, the mental is destine to improve also.
I have a new job which should help with the car/apartment situation but I will share more as those become closer to reality. The rest is cosmetic and is going to take time and money. But I plan on looking, feeling and BEING 200% better within the next six months. And I'm excited!
Well, I've always been good at having a "plan". In fact, I love to plan. I keep a calendar, a to do list, love to plan parties and events, always try to get an idea of what I'll be doing tomorrow, the next day, the weekend...That's not to say I dont like surprises or cant be spontaneous. I am just a born planner.
But I dont always put action behind it so that's my number one goal right now. The "plan" is easy, it's the follow up that takes some commitment. Sometimes there just are not enough hours in the day, days in the week...to do all I want to do or even need to do. But that's no excuse for not trying.
The first thing I know I have to do is work harder at nuturing my relationship with my Lord & Savior. I think I step away from Him sometimes because I KNOW I dont measure up. Some of the things I do, choices I make, habits that are hard to give up, I know are in direct conflict with the way I know God wants me to live. Dying to the flesh every day is REALLY hard. I am so thankful that I love and serve a risen savior that understands that and extends grace to the point where my self-discipline ends. It's time for me to give Him more of me. Pray more, get into His word more. Let Him be my everything, especially now.
The second is health but I am SO blessed that that's the easy part. Talking with so many of my friends, I have discovered I am VERY healthy. I dont take near as many medicines as a lot of people do, dont have nearly as many aches and pains...and I want to keep it that way. Time NOT to go on a diet but to really pay attention to what goes into my body. Sugar and caffeine are on their way out! Alcohol will be significantly reduced very soon, though it's never been a problem for me, it still isn't "good" for me either.
The weight that creeped its way back on after my knee surgeries are on their way out also. I just about have a routine and workable schedule in place that includes, swimming laps, lifting weights, walking and zumba. It may take awhile to get back down to the size I need to be but I know it wont take long to start feeling better. I am a firm believer in endorphins! And it's important for me to be able to be in good shape. Too many things on my "bucket list" are physically demanding!
Mentally--I love my celexa. But there are still days when certain people can push my buttons, though it's getting tougher and tougher for them to accomplish that and the occurrences are fewer and further between. And I know when I get the spiritual and the exercise going good, the mental is destine to improve also.
I have a new job which should help with the car/apartment situation but I will share more as those become closer to reality. The rest is cosmetic and is going to take time and money. But I plan on looking, feeling and BEING 200% better within the next six months. And I'm excited!
Under construction
the blog and me! There has been SO MUCH that has happened since my last post that I'm even taking a sabbatical from Facebook to revamp this entire blog! I'm organizing it into more sections and adding a few projects. So check back soon for exciting news and features. Until then, be blessed!
Monday, July 18, 2011
A new chapter and this time *I* am going to write it...
I'm just now at a point where I'm ready to talk about this. I thought seriously about NOT posting about it but I've never been one to shy away from letting the rest of the world see who I really am. I've ALWAYS owned up to my mistakes and imperfections and my sincere prayer is that my experiences will somehow help someone else.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, July 5 to be exact, I finally had a nervous breakdown. I dont even remember specifically the events that led up to the final blowout other than the usual stressors--no car, no money, trouble finding a decent job, mounting debt, my relationship with Craig, my smartmouth 13 year old, my strained relationship with my mother, lack of being able to do a lot of what I enjoy because of the first two reasons, the tremendous guilt I keep feeling over the last six months no matter how much I try to let it go, forgive myself, feel at peace, etc....
I vaguely remember arguing with Craig a few days before. I dont remember what about. I remember arguing with Jeff. I remember having to miss work for lack of transportation and finally I remember arguing with Brooke and almost choking her...I had to get away so I remember taking off down the street and I dont know how long I was gone but when I came back, the girls where gone to my moms. I remember arguing with my mother and arguing with Jeff some more and I remember feeling so desparate and so out of control...I remember feeling like I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over ANY aspect of my life and I wanted ONE THING I could control. I remember my head was pounding, my hurt was literally hurting physically and I just wanted the pain to stop. So I took an overdose of Tylenol. I dont even know exactly how much but I do know that I didn't want to kill myself--I just wanted the pain to stop and to have some control over SOMETHING.
But not long after I began to panic and I called Jeff and my mom and told them what I'd done. They, along with Dylan, talked me into going to Brookwood. After I was treated for the overdose I signed myself into the psych ward and I stayed there until Friday. I slept most of the time. They determined that the medicine I'd been taking for my chemical depression/anxiety was no longer working and so they switched it. The reaction I had to the switch was not good at first but after a few days, things began to level out.
Being there was NOT what I expected. My mother told me (and in her defense, she probably didnt know) that I would be able to talk to someone and they could help me figure a few things out. That is NOT how they are set up. They are there to keep you safe from yourself and to pass out the pills. I was there with a variety of people with a variety of problems. Some where like me--just having trouble managing stress and/or their medication needed adjusting. Some had gone off their anti-psychotic meds and boy was that ever scary! Some were suicidal. Some were delusional. I had a pretty decent roommate and met some interesting people. But since I wasn't getting the help I expected or needed (other than the switch in meds) I decided I wanted out. That wasn't hard to do. I just told them what they wanted to hear and I was released.
Sounds like I gave up and am not taking my recovery seriously but that's not true. I am following up with Eastside Mental Health to regulate my meds (now taking Celexa and Clonopin instead of Prozac) and began counseling through Oasis--a non-profit counseling service for women & children. They base fees on your income and so I only have to pay $15 per session. Today was my first and it went VERY well.
So yes, I am in "therapy". I am prefering at this point to call it "life coaching" because I am feeling a little bit better and I KNOW what needs to be done--I dont get a do over, I know that. All I can do is move forward and try to focus on a few things at a time instead of trying to figure it all out right NOW! My "life coach" is an excellent listener. She also made me feel a LOT better about the things going on in my life. All things considered, I'm actually doing pretty damn good. I dont know where I will land when it's all said and done but I DO know, I've managed to hold on to a job that I love (even though it doesn't pay very well), I've managed to maintain relatively good relationships with my children (the 13 yo is a typical 13 yo--I'm the one that needs to have more patience and more control), I've managed to provide them a home--maybe it's not the home I want or eventually will get--and I've managed to stay focused on their education. She said I need not feel like a TOTAL screw-up. I've done better than a lot of people would have and I will continue to do the best I can which is all I can do.
We discussed my relationship with Craig and I know in my head it's not a healthy one and I dont need to be in it. Yes, it's the same thing, my mom, Shari and SO MANY OTHERS have already told me. Hearing it from her doesnt necessarily mean that it's finally sunk in. I do still love him, very much. But I can't change him, he doesn't want to change himself and until he does, I can't subject myself and my kids to the constant pain. When it's good, it's the best (and I'm not just talking about sex) but when it's bad, it's hell. And I dont have the resources--emotional, mental or otherwise--to deal with it right now. He may very well be beyond help from anyone. I'll never turn my back on him completely...if he ever chooses to reach out and REALLY want help, I will be his friend. I can forgive a multitude of sins because I have been forgiven a multitude myself. So for now, that relationship (if it can even be called one) is on the backburner.
The things that are on the "plate" for now is:
1) concentrating on the job search. She gave me a list of resources to help me get focused and gain some momentum to push forward from the plateau I seem to have hit.
2) concentrate on building my savings for my own transportation. This is tied in very much so with the job search! But I also have a few ideas/leads/resources for that as well.
3) concentrate on my daughters' educational needs. We are going to continue to homeschool for now but without CORE. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. Public school is simply NOT an option and neither is CORE due to the lack of financing. The goal is to next year get back into CORE or be moved to a location where public school is an option.
4) concentrate on positive relationships. First & foremost, my spiritual life. I desparately need my heavenly Father and I dont take for granted the blessings I DO have in my life. My prayer/meditation time needs to be the first thing I do every morning--just like it used to be. Second, I need to repair the damage I've done to the relationships with the people who've loved and supported me through all my crises. Sometimes it hasnt felt so much like "unconditional" love & support and maybe the only type that truly exists is from God. But I know whatever "conditions" they've put on me have been with the best of intentions and done for my own good.
5) focus my attention less on "dating" and more on just doing things I enjoy: reading, writing (three books, still in the works!) spending time with friends, painting, exercise
So that's the game plan! I know I've tried to make so many "new beginnings" in the last six months but this time, I actually FEEL like I'm getting one. And I AM in control of it!
Blessings,
Two weeks ago tomorrow, July 5 to be exact, I finally had a nervous breakdown. I dont even remember specifically the events that led up to the final blowout other than the usual stressors--no car, no money, trouble finding a decent job, mounting debt, my relationship with Craig, my smartmouth 13 year old, my strained relationship with my mother, lack of being able to do a lot of what I enjoy because of the first two reasons, the tremendous guilt I keep feeling over the last six months no matter how much I try to let it go, forgive myself, feel at peace, etc....
I vaguely remember arguing with Craig a few days before. I dont remember what about. I remember arguing with Jeff. I remember having to miss work for lack of transportation and finally I remember arguing with Brooke and almost choking her...I had to get away so I remember taking off down the street and I dont know how long I was gone but when I came back, the girls where gone to my moms. I remember arguing with my mother and arguing with Jeff some more and I remember feeling so desparate and so out of control...I remember feeling like I had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over ANY aspect of my life and I wanted ONE THING I could control. I remember my head was pounding, my hurt was literally hurting physically and I just wanted the pain to stop. So I took an overdose of Tylenol. I dont even know exactly how much but I do know that I didn't want to kill myself--I just wanted the pain to stop and to have some control over SOMETHING.
But not long after I began to panic and I called Jeff and my mom and told them what I'd done. They, along with Dylan, talked me into going to Brookwood. After I was treated for the overdose I signed myself into the psych ward and I stayed there until Friday. I slept most of the time. They determined that the medicine I'd been taking for my chemical depression/anxiety was no longer working and so they switched it. The reaction I had to the switch was not good at first but after a few days, things began to level out.
Being there was NOT what I expected. My mother told me (and in her defense, she probably didnt know) that I would be able to talk to someone and they could help me figure a few things out. That is NOT how they are set up. They are there to keep you safe from yourself and to pass out the pills. I was there with a variety of people with a variety of problems. Some where like me--just having trouble managing stress and/or their medication needed adjusting. Some had gone off their anti-psychotic meds and boy was that ever scary! Some were suicidal. Some were delusional. I had a pretty decent roommate and met some interesting people. But since I wasn't getting the help I expected or needed (other than the switch in meds) I decided I wanted out. That wasn't hard to do. I just told them what they wanted to hear and I was released.
Sounds like I gave up and am not taking my recovery seriously but that's not true. I am following up with Eastside Mental Health to regulate my meds (now taking Celexa and Clonopin instead of Prozac) and began counseling through Oasis--a non-profit counseling service for women & children. They base fees on your income and so I only have to pay $15 per session. Today was my first and it went VERY well.
So yes, I am in "therapy". I am prefering at this point to call it "life coaching" because I am feeling a little bit better and I KNOW what needs to be done--I dont get a do over, I know that. All I can do is move forward and try to focus on a few things at a time instead of trying to figure it all out right NOW! My "life coach" is an excellent listener. She also made me feel a LOT better about the things going on in my life. All things considered, I'm actually doing pretty damn good. I dont know where I will land when it's all said and done but I DO know, I've managed to hold on to a job that I love (even though it doesn't pay very well), I've managed to maintain relatively good relationships with my children (the 13 yo is a typical 13 yo--I'm the one that needs to have more patience and more control), I've managed to provide them a home--maybe it's not the home I want or eventually will get--and I've managed to stay focused on their education. She said I need not feel like a TOTAL screw-up. I've done better than a lot of people would have and I will continue to do the best I can which is all I can do.
We discussed my relationship with Craig and I know in my head it's not a healthy one and I dont need to be in it. Yes, it's the same thing, my mom, Shari and SO MANY OTHERS have already told me. Hearing it from her doesnt necessarily mean that it's finally sunk in. I do still love him, very much. But I can't change him, he doesn't want to change himself and until he does, I can't subject myself and my kids to the constant pain. When it's good, it's the best (and I'm not just talking about sex) but when it's bad, it's hell. And I dont have the resources--emotional, mental or otherwise--to deal with it right now. He may very well be beyond help from anyone. I'll never turn my back on him completely...if he ever chooses to reach out and REALLY want help, I will be his friend. I can forgive a multitude of sins because I have been forgiven a multitude myself. So for now, that relationship (if it can even be called one) is on the backburner.
The things that are on the "plate" for now is:
1) concentrating on the job search. She gave me a list of resources to help me get focused and gain some momentum to push forward from the plateau I seem to have hit.
2) concentrate on building my savings for my own transportation. This is tied in very much so with the job search! But I also have a few ideas/leads/resources for that as well.
3) concentrate on my daughters' educational needs. We are going to continue to homeschool for now but without CORE. It's not ideal but it's the best we can do. Public school is simply NOT an option and neither is CORE due to the lack of financing. The goal is to next year get back into CORE or be moved to a location where public school is an option.
4) concentrate on positive relationships. First & foremost, my spiritual life. I desparately need my heavenly Father and I dont take for granted the blessings I DO have in my life. My prayer/meditation time needs to be the first thing I do every morning--just like it used to be. Second, I need to repair the damage I've done to the relationships with the people who've loved and supported me through all my crises. Sometimes it hasnt felt so much like "unconditional" love & support and maybe the only type that truly exists is from God. But I know whatever "conditions" they've put on me have been with the best of intentions and done for my own good.
5) focus my attention less on "dating" and more on just doing things I enjoy: reading, writing (three books, still in the works!) spending time with friends, painting, exercise
So that's the game plan! I know I've tried to make so many "new beginnings" in the last six months but this time, I actually FEEL like I'm getting one. And I AM in control of it!
Blessings,
Saturday, July 2, 2011
car shopping sucks but my son is amazing!
So the Hardie Tynes and the State of Alabama finally saw fit to forward five weeks of child support onto me so yeah...I have a LITTLE bit of money to use towards a down payment. But guess what? It's not enough! Ugh!
I knew with my lack of credit (I haven't borrowed money in years, not on paper anyway ;) ) it was going to be an uphill battle but I thought that if I found something inexpensive, aka used, that I would be in a position to negotiate with a little bit of money down. Not so. I need twice what I have to get the car I actually liked and thought I could afford --a 97 Nissan Maxima. But get this, if I buy something NEWER and MORE EXPENSIVE I have a better chance of getting financed, even though some dealerships were still wanting me to get a co-signer. Not gonna do that.
So I guess God is saying I need to wait a little while longer. Just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm not going to make a mistake with money again, I already am not liking the fact that I'm going to probably have a car payment. Who knows, maybe God is planning dropping me a GREAT deal soon.
But I did enjoy the day with my son. My sweet, precious son has been not only carting his mom around to work and back a lot of days but also took most of the day to go with me car shopping. Now you're probably thinking, "What does an 18 year old know about cars?" Well, in this case--a LOT.
If you remember, he's a freaking genius to start with--gonna major in Mechanical Engineering this Fall at 'Bama, got into Honors College, made a 29 on that ACT, does all his own car maintenance as well as some for other people and is currently working as a machinist this summer. But he also took his Chevy Blazer completely apart after it was wrecked and completely rebuilt it! He may make a few dingy mistakes now and again (like leaving his wallet at home on occasion!) but this kid totally knows things most 18 year olds (and even this 41 year old) doesn't know! He remembers to look at things that I dont and knows the used car market well enough to keep me from making a huge mistake. In fact, he pissed off a few salesmen today!
So what's a mom to do with such an AMAZING son? Take him to lunch, at the very least! We enjoyed some yummy Habeneros and talked about politics, sports, funny movies, world events....it was so much fun. I miss living with my son. But I am SO PROUD of the man he has grown up to be! I am SO going to miss him (yes I know he'll only be 45 minutes away) when he moves to T-town but I'm SO EXCITED for all the opportunities that lay at his feet.
So while car shopping (and waiting to go car shopping--AGAIN!) TOTALLY SUCKS, my son is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!
I knew with my lack of credit (I haven't borrowed money in years, not on paper anyway ;) ) it was going to be an uphill battle but I thought that if I found something inexpensive, aka used, that I would be in a position to negotiate with a little bit of money down. Not so. I need twice what I have to get the car I actually liked and thought I could afford --a 97 Nissan Maxima. But get this, if I buy something NEWER and MORE EXPENSIVE I have a better chance of getting financed, even though some dealerships were still wanting me to get a co-signer. Not gonna do that.
So I guess God is saying I need to wait a little while longer. Just because I'm desperate doesn't mean I'm stupid. I'm not going to make a mistake with money again, I already am not liking the fact that I'm going to probably have a car payment. Who knows, maybe God is planning dropping me a GREAT deal soon.
But I did enjoy the day with my son. My sweet, precious son has been not only carting his mom around to work and back a lot of days but also took most of the day to go with me car shopping. Now you're probably thinking, "What does an 18 year old know about cars?" Well, in this case--a LOT.
If you remember, he's a freaking genius to start with--gonna major in Mechanical Engineering this Fall at 'Bama, got into Honors College, made a 29 on that ACT, does all his own car maintenance as well as some for other people and is currently working as a machinist this summer. But he also took his Chevy Blazer completely apart after it was wrecked and completely rebuilt it! He may make a few dingy mistakes now and again (like leaving his wallet at home on occasion!) but this kid totally knows things most 18 year olds (and even this 41 year old) doesn't know! He remembers to look at things that I dont and knows the used car market well enough to keep me from making a huge mistake. In fact, he pissed off a few salesmen today!
So what's a mom to do with such an AMAZING son? Take him to lunch, at the very least! We enjoyed some yummy Habeneros and talked about politics, sports, funny movies, world events....it was so much fun. I miss living with my son. But I am SO PROUD of the man he has grown up to be! I am SO going to miss him (yes I know he'll only be 45 minutes away) when he moves to T-town but I'm SO EXCITED for all the opportunities that lay at his feet.
So while car shopping (and waiting to go car shopping--AGAIN!) TOTALLY SUCKS, my son is TOTALLY AMAZING!!!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
long overdue...
I still really am not in the mood for blogging but I guess I need to before I forget everything so here goes (and sorry if this writing isn't up to my usual standard--there is no thought whatsoever put into this post and I dont plan to edit. Just do me a favor and try not to judge my honesty)
I've had a rough last few weeks, maybe more. Jeff moved out of our house and back in with his parents. Dylan moved in with my sister and so it hit me REALLY hard. I'm not sure how to explain my feelings without certain people getting the wrong idea so like I said before, please dont judge.
I know that our marriage is over. It's not that I want to try and work things out with him. I do love him as a person, friend, and my children's father. But we stopped being husband and wife a LONG time ago and I know that, so does he. I guess it's human nature to always second-guess the decisions and choices we make in life. Sometimes it really hurts knowing that my family is split up and that it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I grieve that loss, I really do and it isn't that I want it all back--because I dont. And I could never get it back anyway. Even if there was a reconcilement, too much has happened, things would NEVER be the same. What we had, regardless of what happens, is gone forever. And like every other phase of my life that has come and gone (high school, college, pre-kid party days, kids being little, etc.) I am hopelessly nostalgic and sad that it's all gone forever.
So I was crazy for a few days. And boy did it ever backfire on me. Certain people I thought I could trust with my feelings, well, turns out I need to be WAY more careful, which is one reason I haven't been blogging lately. If you're one of the dickheads or bitches that did that to me, I hope you reap what you sow. I am PROUD of the fact that I have the courage to show people the REAL me--good & bad--and that is more than you will EVER have. So bite me. Hard. And swallow.
My bff Shari has given me some really wise advice about my approach to being a single mom. Some things are beyond my control and always will be. Jeff's employer can legally withhold my child support payments from me for a month and even thought it would have been right for Jeff to have paid me ahead so the girls wouldnt have to suffer, there isn't anything I can do. So I just have to swallow defeat on that issue and try to do the best I can. Even if I have to suck up to him for rides to work until I get my own transportation (which I would have if my child support were current!) then that is just what I have to do because it's in the best interest of my daughters that I work--whatever what I have to make that happen. And I have to be charming enough to convince him that's it's in their best interest to help me make that happen. So far, it's worked out okay but he's gotten really irritated because he's jealous.
I'm talking to Craig again and I dont care who knows it anymore. Like I've said before, it's just not in me to hate or hold a grudge, regardless of what he did. Oh I'm not stupid. I will not allow history to repeat itself, don't worry. I'm not moving back in or anything like that. And because I have people out there that want to sabotage me at every turn, I won't share more than that about it. It's MY business and I dont expect anyone to understand or approve. I dont understand it myself sometimes, I only know it is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. And I dont need your approval.
That's the major reason Jeff tries to withdraw his help/support. Same with my mother and others...people think that withdrawing their help/support, whether it be emotional or financial, that they can control what I do and how I act. I'm beginning to wonder if they ever met me...??? I'm 41 years old and I am going to do what I'm going to do regardless. If you think you're going to make it harder for me, you may be right and you may win--for awhile. You gotta KNOW I will get my way in the end. But it's not about a battle. Either you love me and accept me for who I am--your daughter, your friend, the mother of your children--or you don't. It's as simple as that. And if you don't, I dont need you in my life. Just know that if you try to make things difficult for me, you're only going to end up kicking your own ass!
Craig DID have his court date. He pled guilty. He was sentenced to two years suspended, 1 year probation, 24 months of anger management classes, a fine and court costs. In a way I hate it but...it's not my fault. I did not do it to myself. I did not hit, I did not throw me out of the house. I hope he makes the best of it. Like I said, we are at least on speaking terms again so...and again, I'm not sharing more than that.
I'm enjoying the summer at the daycare. I especially enjoy the days I get to work in the 2 year old class because there's a new man in my life!!! lol His name is Gage, he's 2 1/2 and the absolute SWEETEST thing ever. I just love that kid. It's funny how some kids you just instantly love, some...well it takes time! Some work their way into your heart, some never do and you have to remind yourself that God loves them so it's my job to care for them for Him. Doesn't make it easier though! lol But that kid is one that you just instantly fall in love with.
I do wish my hours were more predictable. They're actually kinda crazy! But at least it's more hours than what I was getting and it is helping...some.
I've been constantly applying for more jobs but so far, nothing. I love what I do and I know it's my calling but I honestly can't make it on what I make. I can survive but I dont want to just SURVIVE. I want a place of my own--and I dont mean a mansion. Just a small apartment and I've been looking. Right now, we're looking at the girls not doing CORE this year because it's so expensive and neither Jeff nor I have the money right now. Unless the extend the deadline--and even then I'm not sure we can do it--they will be straight up homeschooling. They definitely are not going to Tarrant or Gardendale. I dont really want them back in public school at all but Clay or Springville I could live with if we had to. But neither of those is feasible either. I just NEED A FREAKING JOB!!!
Dylan is no longer working at Sam's--he was offered full-time at his other job, a raise and overtime. Plus he gets weekends off so he decided to go with that. He moves in the dorms August 20 and we have SO MUCH to do between now and then. Jeff and I are supposed to be getting him a laptop. He also needs a bike and a bike rack for his car, some good luggage/duffel bag and things for his dorm room. Money, money, money! They say money can't buy everything but it sure can buy a LOT!!!
These days I'm trying not to dwell too much on my mistakes or my critics. They will always be there. I make lists of things I want to do, things that I'm excited about, things I am looking forward to. And I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I don't. I have a nice, clean place to stay, a job I love and that pays the bills if not much else and three beautiful children that are my life. And for now, that is enough.
Blessings,
I've had a rough last few weeks, maybe more. Jeff moved out of our house and back in with his parents. Dylan moved in with my sister and so it hit me REALLY hard. I'm not sure how to explain my feelings without certain people getting the wrong idea so like I said before, please dont judge.
I know that our marriage is over. It's not that I want to try and work things out with him. I do love him as a person, friend, and my children's father. But we stopped being husband and wife a LONG time ago and I know that, so does he. I guess it's human nature to always second-guess the decisions and choices we make in life. Sometimes it really hurts knowing that my family is split up and that it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I grieve that loss, I really do and it isn't that I want it all back--because I dont. And I could never get it back anyway. Even if there was a reconcilement, too much has happened, things would NEVER be the same. What we had, regardless of what happens, is gone forever. And like every other phase of my life that has come and gone (high school, college, pre-kid party days, kids being little, etc.) I am hopelessly nostalgic and sad that it's all gone forever.
So I was crazy for a few days. And boy did it ever backfire on me. Certain people I thought I could trust with my feelings, well, turns out I need to be WAY more careful, which is one reason I haven't been blogging lately. If you're one of the dickheads or bitches that did that to me, I hope you reap what you sow. I am PROUD of the fact that I have the courage to show people the REAL me--good & bad--and that is more than you will EVER have. So bite me. Hard. And swallow.
My bff Shari has given me some really wise advice about my approach to being a single mom. Some things are beyond my control and always will be. Jeff's employer can legally withhold my child support payments from me for a month and even thought it would have been right for Jeff to have paid me ahead so the girls wouldnt have to suffer, there isn't anything I can do. So I just have to swallow defeat on that issue and try to do the best I can. Even if I have to suck up to him for rides to work until I get my own transportation (which I would have if my child support were current!) then that is just what I have to do because it's in the best interest of my daughters that I work--whatever what I have to make that happen. And I have to be charming enough to convince him that's it's in their best interest to help me make that happen. So far, it's worked out okay but he's gotten really irritated because he's jealous.
I'm talking to Craig again and I dont care who knows it anymore. Like I've said before, it's just not in me to hate or hold a grudge, regardless of what he did. Oh I'm not stupid. I will not allow history to repeat itself, don't worry. I'm not moving back in or anything like that. And because I have people out there that want to sabotage me at every turn, I won't share more than that about it. It's MY business and I dont expect anyone to understand or approve. I dont understand it myself sometimes, I only know it is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. And I dont need your approval.
That's the major reason Jeff tries to withdraw his help/support. Same with my mother and others...people think that withdrawing their help/support, whether it be emotional or financial, that they can control what I do and how I act. I'm beginning to wonder if they ever met me...??? I'm 41 years old and I am going to do what I'm going to do regardless. If you think you're going to make it harder for me, you may be right and you may win--for awhile. You gotta KNOW I will get my way in the end. But it's not about a battle. Either you love me and accept me for who I am--your daughter, your friend, the mother of your children--or you don't. It's as simple as that. And if you don't, I dont need you in my life. Just know that if you try to make things difficult for me, you're only going to end up kicking your own ass!
Craig DID have his court date. He pled guilty. He was sentenced to two years suspended, 1 year probation, 24 months of anger management classes, a fine and court costs. In a way I hate it but...it's not my fault. I did not do it to myself. I did not hit, I did not throw me out of the house. I hope he makes the best of it. Like I said, we are at least on speaking terms again so...and again, I'm not sharing more than that.
I'm enjoying the summer at the daycare. I especially enjoy the days I get to work in the 2 year old class because there's a new man in my life!!! lol His name is Gage, he's 2 1/2 and the absolute SWEETEST thing ever. I just love that kid. It's funny how some kids you just instantly love, some...well it takes time! Some work their way into your heart, some never do and you have to remind yourself that God loves them so it's my job to care for them for Him. Doesn't make it easier though! lol But that kid is one that you just instantly fall in love with.
I do wish my hours were more predictable. They're actually kinda crazy! But at least it's more hours than what I was getting and it is helping...some.
I've been constantly applying for more jobs but so far, nothing. I love what I do and I know it's my calling but I honestly can't make it on what I make. I can survive but I dont want to just SURVIVE. I want a place of my own--and I dont mean a mansion. Just a small apartment and I've been looking. Right now, we're looking at the girls not doing CORE this year because it's so expensive and neither Jeff nor I have the money right now. Unless the extend the deadline--and even then I'm not sure we can do it--they will be straight up homeschooling. They definitely are not going to Tarrant or Gardendale. I dont really want them back in public school at all but Clay or Springville I could live with if we had to. But neither of those is feasible either. I just NEED A FREAKING JOB!!!
Dylan is no longer working at Sam's--he was offered full-time at his other job, a raise and overtime. Plus he gets weekends off so he decided to go with that. He moves in the dorms August 20 and we have SO MUCH to do between now and then. Jeff and I are supposed to be getting him a laptop. He also needs a bike and a bike rack for his car, some good luggage/duffel bag and things for his dorm room. Money, money, money! They say money can't buy everything but it sure can buy a LOT!!!
These days I'm trying not to dwell too much on my mistakes or my critics. They will always be there. I make lists of things I want to do, things that I'm excited about, things I am looking forward to. And I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I don't. I have a nice, clean place to stay, a job I love and that pays the bills if not much else and three beautiful children that are my life. And for now, that is enough.
Blessings,
Monday, June 20, 2011
more pictures
Yes, I realize I'm very behind posting...I've been journaling instead. Mostly because what I put out here seems to backfire on me. People read it, take it the wrong way and run with it. I never meant for this blog to be for that purpose. Even though I am who I am, dont really care what others think, my life is an open book, all that...I originally started this blog as a ministry and it has gotten to be anything but. I'm okay with people not "feeling" Jesus when they read what I write, but my goal is still to help people through my experiences as much as it ever was to help myself by getting it out. It seemed to stop serving that purpose recently so I've just journaled privately instead. Plus I have made a few trips to hell and back and just really haven't felt like it or had the time. But I will be back writing here soon, I promise.
Until then, wanted to share more pictures of some of the GOOD things that have been keeping me busy:
Dylan's graduation....
Dylan's graduation party...
Brooke's 13th birthday...(Yes, my last baby is a teenager!)
Mel's baby shower...
Until then, wanted to share more pictures of some of the GOOD things that have been keeping me busy:
Dylan's graduation....
Dylan's graduation party...
Brooke's 13th birthday...(Yes, my last baby is a teenager!)
Mel's baby shower...
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