UPDATES UPDATES UPDATES

I finally get some time to write and I have no idea where to begin. SO much has happened since my last blog…as seems to be the way things go in my life this past year.

I finally bought a car—my dream car! A 2004 Ford Mustang Convertible, fully loaded and sparkling white! I named her Samantha after my favorite character from my favorite show—Sex & the City. The payments were more than I wanted to pay but it was in EXCELLENT condition and the payment included a two year warranty. I felt like I’d finally arrived…and my life was finally going somewhere. Unfortunately…well, more about that later.

Shari and I had a HUGE fight about the use of her car. I’d asked to drive a mile away to see a friend and she had a fit. It really hurt my feelings because her reasons for saying no were absolutely ridiculous and I told her so. Plus she knew how much seeing this friend meant to me at the time. I said a lot of things to her I shouldn’t have but things that had been building after ten months of living together and having to do and put up with a lot. I tried to apologize a few days later after I thought we were both calm but she was not ready to hear or talk about it. I decided to give her some time and low and behold, she wound up being mad that I did! I don’t know…who can figure some people out. Apparently my mother isn’t the only one that can hold a grudge. We wound up having to move out by the end of the month and more about that later…

Kayti and I did Race for the Cure and had a blast! I absolutely loved it and we did finish in less than 45 minutes. Well, at least that’s the time I’m going with. It was an hour 8 minutes, actually BUT it DID take us about 30 minutes to even get to the starting line after the race “officially” began! There were SO many people! But I was glad to see that. And I’m no serious runner, not anymore, if I ever even was to begin with.

I was really pumped to see so many men there. I’m glad to see that breast cancer awareness is crossing gender lines, since men CAN get it too and lets face it…the first thing boys ever notice about little Janie in the 7th grade (or even sooner) is definitely NOT her personality or even her eyes!

I loved the shirts! “Save Second Base”, “Keep ‘em bouncin’!”, “Taking the Girls for a walk!” they were all very cool. I think my favorite was a shirt that was hideously orange but had a pack of life savers on the back. It said “Breast Savers” and on the front were two individual life savers in the appropriate place and it said, “Big or Small—Save them all!”

There were guys dressed up like little pink fairies, some outrageously dressed people, strollers, dogs—next year we are SO bringing Mady! And hopefully Brooke won’t have a soccer game and she can do it with us! It was a fabulous girl day!

I wrapped up the “relationship” I was in and I use the word loosely. You say the R word and guys automatically freak out. You’d think it was the M word (marriage) or something but honestly, relationship is NOT a dirty word nor does it mean commitment. For whatever reason, they think it does. But where there are two people, a “relationship” exists. My daughter and I have a “relationship”. My roommate and I had a “relationship”. My ex-husband and I have a “relationship”. It’s how the two people define the relationship that matters. This one (well, I had two “relationships” during October actually. One was with an old HS friend and the other, a VERY young but hot & sweet guy) was pretty much just friends with benefits. One of those I thought might turn into more but I digress. Whatever. I had a good time. No hard feelings and no regrets with either. In fact, I still talk as friends to the young one on a pretty regular basis. Who would have thought he would turn out to be the more mature one! In fact, if he were older, I’d really want to pursue something more with him. He’s funny, chivalrous, and easy to talk to. He made me feel really good about myself and I had a great time. But he’s 23, I’m 41! I have to be realistic. We’re both in sort of the same place in life—neither no where near ready to settle down. But by the time he does get ready, he’ll probably want kids, etc. and by then it may be too late for me so why waste each other’s time. Like I said, we’re still great friends and I love him to death as a friend. If certain events had not taken place, I’d probably still be having “fun” with him on occasion. But again, I digress.

The girls and I wound up having to move in a hurry and this irritated my mother as most things do these days. I’d had everything worked out and applied for a townhouse in Grayson Valley—close to work, zoned for Clay-Chalkville and the rent was reasonable. All I’d asked her for was a place to crash for a few weeks in case the timing didn’t work out exactly right. Instead of offering her oldest daughter and two granddaughters the shelter we needed she instead chose to take the opportunity to remind me yet again how badly I’d screwed my life up and my kids’ lives, as if I’m not constantly reminded every day.

I KNOW I made a HUGE mistake destroying my marriage. But I can’t undo it. I’ve apologized to everyone a MILLION times. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat. But I REFUSE to keep reliving it. My gosh, I paid for it—and DEARLY. Every day since then I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and rebuild as best I can. But all she wants to focus on are the bad decisions I’ve made or the little bit of fun I’ve tried to have along the way. She things everyone has to be miserable to be sorry. I don’t subscribe to that philosophy. I have to think positive and I have to go on. I have no choice. I’m not wallowing in misery for the rest of my life to make up for the hurt I’ve caused. It doesn’t help. So I made the decision that until she can stop being so negative all the time, I can’t be around her.

My counselor and everyone else tell me how good I’ve done—I managed to escape a psychotic drug addict and lunatic before he killed me and completely destroyed my self-esteem. I put myself back together by getting the help I needed when I needed it. I restored my health and got a great new job that I enjoy, pays my bills and has health insurance. I bought a car on my own. I carefully decided where we would live, kept the girls grounded with their education and activities while making plans for the future. Why the hell can’t she see ANY of that? Why does my own mother—the person who is supposed to love me the most in the world—keep trying to knock me back down? I have enough factors doing that (including my own stupid self, sometimes!)

My counselor said I needed to get rid of the negative in my life as much as possible. I didn’t realize it would include my mother. Of course when I told her that all I got was more negative. She called me a whore, a bad mother, that all I did was drink, party and chase worthless men…okay, Mom, if that’s the way you see it. Goodbye. And I’m certainly not exposing my children to her either. They are doing well, I wont have her sabotaging their progress by badmouthing me or commenting negatively on anything they are excited about.

So. the move. We wound up moving to Brookside to an old 1891 home that has been completely restored and updated. I absolutely LOVE this house. The rent is cheap but I’m sure the power bill wont be. The girls love it too—there is so much room! The architectural details, the hardwoods, the kitchen, it’s all beautiful. It’s just on the wrong side of town! The drive is a bitch and it’s zoned for Gardendale schools—not where we want the girls to go. So it’s only temporary. I did apply for the townhouse and have been waiting to hear back.

The house was being rented by some friends of mine who split almost immediately after signing the lease and they allowed me and the girls to campout here until we figure out our next step. Neither one is hardly ever here so we pretty much have the place to ourselves and it has been nice. No one to tell me what kind of toilet paper or detergent to by or when and how to load the dishwasher! If I don’t have time to get to a particular chore I don’t have to listen to anyone bitch or stomp around about it. Yes, I’ve truly missed being the alpha-female at home!

My moving plans were temporarily hindered by an accident. I’d been to Tammy’s the night of November 5 to watch the Alabama vs. LSU game and afterward I went to the ER Lounge to congratulate Mike and Dorinda on their pending nuptials. I was there for a few hours when some friends talked me into going to TP Miller’s in Warrior. I should have went back to Tammy’s or went home. Or maybe never went out at all. Yes, of course, I had been drinking but I don’t consider myself to have been drunk. I had passed where I was supposed to turn (I always do going to that dive) and was trying to get in touch with my friends to figure out where I was and where I was going. I looked down at my phone and the next thing I know I’m swerving at 60 mph and then I hit something hard and both airbags inflate. I’m jarred, shocked and shaken but feeling no pain except for my ears—the horn is blowing and I cant get it to turn off. I can’t get my key out of the ignition. I open my door and climb out and see my beloved Samantha wrapped around a tree on the side of Hwy 31. I immediately start crying and screaming, “No!” over and over and start calling for help.

The police arrive and start asking if I’m okay, if I was alone and the ultimate if I had been drinking. My friend finally arrives and I feel better. At least someone will know what’s going on with me before morning. But they give me the field sobriety test and I fail. No big surprise, I’m shaken to my core. I lean against the police car while they take my information and I’m sure I’m headed to jail but to my surprise the cop tells me he’s going to release me to my friend, tow my car but put on the report that I’d stated I was drinking earlier.
My friend drives me to a nearby gas station where Jeff is waiting to take me home and make sure I’m okay and when I undress I see…bruises. Bruises all over my body—big ones, dark ones already, the worst I’ve ever seen and within a few hours I am unable to move. Everything hurts and I can’t get comfortable. Jeff ends up spending the night just to make sure I don’t have any head injuries or stumble down the stairs going to the bathroom or anything and then he brings the girls home the next day to take care of me. I wind up having to take two days off work because my poor body is so bruised, swollen and out of whack. A few days later, whiplash sets in and the pain is even worse. I find some old pain pills I’d been prescribed when Craig beat me once and though they are only Naproxen, they help a lot. But it makes me sleepy and groggy and the more I lay around the less energy I have and the more time I have to be depressed. Dede took me to pick up the police report and look at my car and I’m heartbroken. My sweet, sweet ride is a pile of metal with a tree stuck in the motor. The insurance company ultimately decides its totaled and I’m left owing $2700 on a car I cant even drive. To add insult to injury I have to make the first payment on it because this is still not settled. And I’m starting all over on the car search.

But even through all that, I can still be positive about a few things. Number one, I didn’t die. I very well could have. In fact, everyone that has seen the car wonders how I was able to walk away from it. Number two, I didn’t go to jail which would have been much worse for me financially and otherwise. God saved me from those things for a reason and though I’m still struggling with the havoc I wreak on my own life and they whys and what fors about it all, I’m looking forward to what He has in store for me.

I’ve been down at times, I’ll be quite honest. It would be so easy to give into my mother’s way of dealing with life and just be negative about it all, continue to beat myself up and sit around and cry about it. But again, what good would it do? Giving up is not an option. It did make me realize some very important things and I’ve quit drinking and even dating for the time being. I apologized to everyone that I felt I owed an apology to, that I hadn’t already at least TRIED to apologize to. I even let a few people know that I no longer hate them, I forgive them. Life is just too short to stay angry and bitter. But it does bother me my family hasn’t called once to ask how I’m doing or express how glad they are I’m still alive. I guess I was right to sever ties for now. I don’t know what’s going to happen with all that, especially with the holidays approaching. All I know is that I pray for them everyday. I’m upset and disappointed. But I also know I’ve done all I can do. Right now I have to focus on me and my kids and getting our lives back on track.

My friends have been wonderfully supportive. Jeff has been a huge help and I wish more than ever I’d worked harder at our marriage before I threw it all away. I do think it’s too late. I love him and he will always be my best friend and my children’s father. But there has been so much happen…I honestly don’t know if I have any romantic feelings for him. I’ve been told to be careful not to confuse needing him with wanting him. And sometimes I think I just want my life to be easier and make sense again. But these are all part of the lesson I’m having to learn the hard way. All I can do is take it one day at a time—like the drunks do!  And if God wants to restore our relationship into what it was or better, I know He can and He will. I know at the very least we are still a family and that is what’s best for our children.

I’ve gotten a lot of writing done this weekend and Dede came by yesterday. She took me to Walmart and then we went out to dinner and to see The Help. It was hysterically funny! Jeff and I took the girls antique mall browsing today and then we had lunch. I only have to work two days this week and then I hope to be getting everything reorganized and ready to move again. I should find out soon! There are so many things I’ve lost, left behind and misplaced after three moves in a year that I need to do some shopping! Not to mention I need some furniture. But all that comes second to getting new transportation!

But I will make it. I believe in myself and I’m determined to stay positive!


UPDATE November 22, 2011

I got the townhouse! The girls and I will be moving the first weekend in December! I also have a few leads on another car…maybe even another Mustang! I’ve also been asked out. I haven’t really decided if I want to go yet. Right now I really don’t have time…life is so crazy!


UPDATE November 26, 2011

Ugh! Sometimes I feel like I just can’t deal with life anymore. Sometimes I just want it to be over. I’m so tired. Tired of trying and getting kicked back down in the dirt. Tired of being expected to be better than I am. Tired of everything. I want to go back to the days when I really didn’t give a shit what everyone else thought and I know people still think that I am that way but truth is, deep down, I do. I want to be a better person but I just don’t know how. I try and try but I’m constantly reminded that it’s never good enough. Yesterday I got deleted by someone I thought was a friend because I “cuss too much”. And here I thought I had seriously cut back! I know some people will never be pleased no matter how hard we try but it really hit me at a time that I was already not feeling too well about myself and my efforts to change and stay sober. Am I really responsible for what other people’s kids see on the internet? If you ask me, if they are allowing their kids to view the profiles and comments of people they really have no business being in contact with in the first place, they need to worry more about their parenting skills instead of what other people say and do.

I was encouraged to find out I had a lot of support from my friends. They know the hell I’ve been through this year and if I need to let a shit, damn, hell or anything else fly once in a while, so be it. If he thinks I have a bad mouth on facebook, he’d really fall over dead to hear me (or a friend of mine he’s interested in for that matter) in person. Right now the important thing is my sobriety. I have to remember that its so easy for others to sit in judgment when they don’t know what’s really going on—whether its an excuse or not. I’m guilty of it myself but through everything I have been through this past year, I’ve learned that there before the grace of God go I. If you think things can’t happen to you—that you’re really stronger than what happens to “other people”, think again. God will humble you and teach you that, oh yes it can! And then maybe you won’t be so quick to chastise others. I forget that just because I’ve learned not to be so judgmental, other people still have that lesson to learn. And some “Christians” never get it.

I really wish I could take the time I need to get myself well—really well. I’d like to go into intense psychotherapy, get into an AA program and get back involved in a good church. But I have no car, no money and can’t take any time off work. I don’t think the Celexa is strong enough anymore. And the headaches are becoming more frequent and severe. I have a hard time communicating this to my doctor because while I like him, sometimes I feel like I can’t tell him what’s really going on. He’s not a psychiatrist. And he doesn’t need to hear it all. And I feel like if I start telling him he’s going to think I’m just after some pills.

So it’s a constant battle, saving my sanity. Sometimes I have dark thoughts. I would never harm my children and I don’t really have the courage to harm myself. But I do wish sometimes I could wipe myself from the face of the earth. I have screwed up everything I’ve ever touched in my life. And why? Because I’m afraid to face things.

I was afraid to face financial responsibility so I let things go until I made a mess out of everything and forced my hardworking husband to work even harder to the point where he no longer enjoyed his life.

I was afraid to face peers that had more and could do more than I could so I stretched myself to thin, physically, financially, emotionally, and mentally to the point of exhaustion. I couldn’t accept the concept of delayed gratification—something I’m being forced to learn now and boy is it ever painful.

I was afraid to face the fact that my precious baby son was growing up. I couldn’t deal with the fact that he was no longer going to need me after I tried to devote my whole life to him. I was afraid to face what and who I would be when my parenting days were over and I dealt with it in very unhealthy ways.

I was afraid to face the fact that I AM getting older. My youth is gone and my chance to do things I once thought was so important was slipping away. Again, I dealt with it in ways that I shouldn’t have.

And now I HAVE to face the consequences of all the things I was afraid to face before. And it’s terrifying. I screwed everything up and all I want is a do over. And I can’t have one. And I can’t face the fact that I can NEVER make everything right. And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m forced to go on and make the best of everything and I really don’t want to…

UPDATE November 27, 2011

Today was a much better day…it was rainy and most people hate rainy days but most of the time, I love them. Something about them is very cleansing and I definitely needed cleansing today.

I really wanted to just lie on the couch all day, listen to the rain outside the window and watch movies and nap. But I needed to go to the store and to get my stuff from Tammy’s house. So my son and I ventured out into the pouring down rain and got everything done.

I have SO MUCH stuff…I’m trying to pare everything down so I don’t have to rent a storage unit but I may end up having to anyway…A lot of things are the girls’ and they aren’t ready to get rid of it yet. I must admit there’s a lot I’m not ready to give up yet either. I hate that it all has to be hidden away when it means a lot to us but I can’t think of what else to do with it all…

I listened to Joel Osteen this morning and as always, he helped put things in perspective a bit. I wish I could be so positive all the time and it dawned on me that I’m starting to get negative like my mother and that’s what I hate most about her. I need to nip that in the bud right now.

UPDATE December 16, 2011

What a crazy few weeks it's been. Got moved and for the most part settled in. I still have a few things to do that perhaps may not get done until the spring, especially the outdoors stuff. But it's beginning to feel like home and I LOVE being back on MY side of town, back in the center of things...or the center of things for me anyway.

My mom and I are still on the outs and its looking like Christmas is going to be totally different this year. That has me a little depressed but there's nothing I can really do about it. I've tried, I really have. I love her and miss her but it seems nothing I say or do is right. Not making much progress with my sisters either. One I dont really care to and the other doesnt really care to. I swear sometimes it's like we're the freakin' mafia and everyone is afraid to cross Mama Don!

As for "romantic" relationships, I feel sort of like I'm stalled. I can't go back, I know I can't go back even though I still have the overwhelming feeling like I NEED to sometimes. But I'm not ready to move forward either. I guess I'm going to have to force myself...going on a date tomorrow night!

The car search is sucking big time. Found something I really like but just not ready to part with yet another down payment right now. If I can make it until I get income tax back, it would be best. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to bum rides though. Dylan is home for Christmas break right now and that helps alot.

I love my son. I love all my kids but my son...oh how the sun rises and sets in him! He is the most amazing person and to think that he came out of ME is mind boggling! Not only is he brilliant, a good brother, friend, mature, dependable but he is so much stronger and so much wiser than I ever was. When I should be giving him advice on life, etc. he is here to talk ME down off the ledge more than I want to admit. But I am so thankful that he is. I wish he were here every day to counter the negative energy I get from my mom but maybe after tonight, after getting a good, huge dose of him I'll be able to make it for awhile.

We went to Tuscaloosa this morning to sign the lease on his apartment for next year. He and his roommates are going to be renting a 4 bedroom townhouse at the Woodlands and O M G is it ever fabulous! I am SO excited for him! And so are his sisters! But I think they are really excited that they get to go spend the night with him next year! They are both already talking about "when they go to 'bama" which warms my heart that they want to follow in his footsteps and have a little bit of ambition.

We had our Christmas party for work last night and had a great time. I work with a wonderful bunch of ladies. I've also gotten a few gifts from the parents of my babies and I am so blessed to be appreciated for the love and care I give those sweetees. Some I've bonded with much easier than others and a few I've gotten quite attached to but I DO love them all dearly. I am blessed to have the job I have even though I get frustrated at times for various reasons--usually administration and bureaucracy. I guess all jobs are gonna have that no matter what.

Mady got into some chocolate today and I'm worried about her but so far she seems fine. Lord, I love that dog. Sometimes it feels like she is the only something in the world that loves me unconditionally. I can't lose her now. When I look back on the last six months or so, so many nights she's been the one next to me, just waiting to see what I need and not really able to do anything but curl up next to me and give me something to pet. But in those desparate moments, when I feel most alone in the world and ready to give up once and for all, its those eyes that look into mine and keep me here.

Going to try and sleep now. I have so much to do this weekend--gotta finish some things around the house, do some paperwork for the homeschool group so I can get transcripts and get the girls registered for public school, need to get started on Christmas shopping, need to do some sewing...the list is long and NOT distinguished!

Be blessed!