I still really am not in the mood for blogging but I guess I need to before I forget everything so here goes (and sorry if this writing isn't up to my usual standard--there is no thought whatsoever put into this post and I dont plan to edit. Just do me a favor and try not to judge my honesty)
I've had a rough last few weeks, maybe more. Jeff moved out of our house and back in with his parents. Dylan moved in with my sister and so it hit me REALLY hard. I'm not sure how to explain my feelings without certain people getting the wrong idea so like I said before, please dont judge.
I know that our marriage is over. It's not that I want to try and work things out with him. I do love him as a person, friend, and my children's father. But we stopped being husband and wife a LONG time ago and I know that, so does he. I guess it's human nature to always second-guess the decisions and choices we make in life. Sometimes it really hurts knowing that my family is split up and that it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I grieve that loss, I really do and it isn't that I want it all back--because I dont. And I could never get it back anyway. Even if there was a reconcilement, too much has happened, things would NEVER be the same. What we had, regardless of what happens, is gone forever. And like every other phase of my life that has come and gone (high school, college, pre-kid party days, kids being little, etc.) I am hopelessly nostalgic and sad that it's all gone forever.
So I was crazy for a few days. And boy did it ever backfire on me. Certain people I thought I could trust with my feelings, well, turns out I need to be WAY more careful, which is one reason I haven't been blogging lately. If you're one of the dickheads or bitches that did that to me, I hope you reap what you sow. I am PROUD of the fact that I have the courage to show people the REAL me--good & bad--and that is more than you will EVER have. So bite me. Hard. And swallow.
My bff Shari has given me some really wise advice about my approach to being a single mom. Some things are beyond my control and always will be. Jeff's employer can legally withhold my child support payments from me for a month and even thought it would have been right for Jeff to have paid me ahead so the girls wouldnt have to suffer, there isn't anything I can do. So I just have to swallow defeat on that issue and try to do the best I can. Even if I have to suck up to him for rides to work until I get my own transportation (which I would have if my child support were current!) then that is just what I have to do because it's in the best interest of my daughters that I work--whatever what I have to make that happen. And I have to be charming enough to convince him that's it's in their best interest to help me make that happen. So far, it's worked out okay but he's gotten really irritated because he's jealous.
I'm talking to Craig again and I dont care who knows it anymore. Like I've said before, it's just not in me to hate or hold a grudge, regardless of what he did. Oh I'm not stupid. I will not allow history to repeat itself, don't worry. I'm not moving back in or anything like that. And because I have people out there that want to sabotage me at every turn, I won't share more than that about it. It's MY business and I dont expect anyone to understand or approve. I dont understand it myself sometimes, I only know it is what it is. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. And I dont need your approval.
That's the major reason Jeff tries to withdraw his help/support. Same with my mother and others...people think that withdrawing their help/support, whether it be emotional or financial, that they can control what I do and how I act. I'm beginning to wonder if they ever met me...??? I'm 41 years old and I am going to do what I'm going to do regardless. If you think you're going to make it harder for me, you may be right and you may win--for awhile. You gotta KNOW I will get my way in the end. But it's not about a battle. Either you love me and accept me for who I am--your daughter, your friend, the mother of your children--or you don't. It's as simple as that. And if you don't, I dont need you in my life. Just know that if you try to make things difficult for me, you're only going to end up kicking your own ass!
Craig DID have his court date. He pled guilty. He was sentenced to two years suspended, 1 year probation, 24 months of anger management classes, a fine and court costs. In a way I hate it but...it's not my fault. I did not do it to myself. I did not hit, I did not throw me out of the house. I hope he makes the best of it. Like I said, we are at least on speaking terms again so...and again, I'm not sharing more than that.
I'm enjoying the summer at the daycare. I especially enjoy the days I get to work in the 2 year old class because there's a new man in my life!!! lol His name is Gage, he's 2 1/2 and the absolute SWEETEST thing ever. I just love that kid. It's funny how some kids you just instantly love, some...well it takes time! Some work their way into your heart, some never do and you have to remind yourself that God loves them so it's my job to care for them for Him. Doesn't make it easier though! lol But that kid is one that you just instantly fall in love with.
I do wish my hours were more predictable. They're actually kinda crazy! But at least it's more hours than what I was getting and it is helping...some.
I've been constantly applying for more jobs but so far, nothing. I love what I do and I know it's my calling but I honestly can't make it on what I make. I can survive but I dont want to just SURVIVE. I want a place of my own--and I dont mean a mansion. Just a small apartment and I've been looking. Right now, we're looking at the girls not doing CORE this year because it's so expensive and neither Jeff nor I have the money right now. Unless the extend the deadline--and even then I'm not sure we can do it--they will be straight up homeschooling. They definitely are not going to Tarrant or Gardendale. I dont really want them back in public school at all but Clay or Springville I could live with if we had to. But neither of those is feasible either. I just NEED A FREAKING JOB!!!
Dylan is no longer working at Sam's--he was offered full-time at his other job, a raise and overtime. Plus he gets weekends off so he decided to go with that. He moves in the dorms August 20 and we have SO MUCH to do between now and then. Jeff and I are supposed to be getting him a laptop. He also needs a bike and a bike rack for his car, some good luggage/duffel bag and things for his dorm room. Money, money, money! They say money can't buy everything but it sure can buy a LOT!!!
These days I'm trying not to dwell too much on my mistakes or my critics. They will always be there. I make lists of things I want to do, things that I'm excited about, things I am looking forward to. And I'm trying to focus on what I have and not what I don't. I have a nice, clean place to stay, a job I love and that pays the bills if not much else and three beautiful children that are my life. And for now, that is enough.
Blessings,
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