Coming home to Clearview...

I've been back for a few months now but I haven't been ready to talk about the feelings I've had for the past few years until now. As they say, time heals all wounds. However, they never quite go away. It's only through the power of the Lord that I was able to hold onto my faith if even by a thread. I'm so thankful that He reminded me that my faith is about Him, not about the people who serve Him or claim to be His followers.

I realize not all of you know the story so I will share a little background:

I first joined this church in 1995. I instantly fell in love with the spirit among the believers there and took an instant liking to Brother Kenny and his approach to spreading the message of Christ. I was saved when I was 9 but because my parents did not go to church, I was never baptized. Brother Kenny baptized me and dedicated all three of my children.

But having a husband of a different faith and the struggles of motherhood, working full-time, finishing college and not being able to connect in such a large church (at the time) ensued and I fell away from my church family.

In 2004, while working as a preschool teacher, I was reacquainted with an old friend from Clearview and she invited me back. Again, I immediately knew THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. Even though Brother Kenny had long gone and they had a new pastor, actually a whole new crew, I just knew I was "home". I started attending a wonderful Sunday School class, the kids got very involved and before long, Jeff even started attending with us.

We continued to be faithful attenders and get even more involved in serving the Lord. But before long I began to sense a loss of unity in the church body for whatever reason. There was constant arguing, bickering, disagreements and people leaving for various reasons. I was not innocent but after a while the Lord began to convict me that I needed to step up and stop raising my hands against his annointed. I took Him to mean that I need to support the current church staff more and so I did. Naturally, that didn't line up with other members agendas but I didn't realize at the time how vindictive people could be. When our children's pastor decided to throw in the towel and leave, I felt God speaking to me about stepping up to help in the Children's Ministry even more. It was not something I wanted to do. I did not and still do not feel worthy to be in ministry in any field. I am not above reproach. I am only a sinner, saved by grace. Romans 3:23 tells us that "we all sin and fall short of the glory of God". I know that all too well and sometimes it surprises me how often others forget this. I only wanted to do my part to help fill in the gap.

Upset and unsure about what I was doing, I posted some things on my blog that were taken out of context. I shared a quote that contained a curse word. Maybe I should have improperly stated the quote to avoid the word. Maybe I should have picked a different quote. Maybe I should have realized their were vultures waiting in the wings to use whatever they could to attack. Maybe I should have been more reponsible and not so naive to think that people would actually ACT BIBLICALLY and come to a sister if they had a problem with something she said instead of running to tattle. But at the time, I only wanted to vent and get what I was feeling out of inside of me so that it could no longer hold me captive. I simply didn't think. And for that, I do apologize. I take full responsibility for my actions. It just doesn't negate others taking responsibility for theirs. But that's neither here nor there. I can't control how other people act.

I had also made a statement about having too much wine. I never said I was drunk--I was NOT drunk. Anyone who knows me (family and friends can attest to the fact) knows that back in the day, I was a big drinker and that it takes a LOT of alcohol for me to feel any effects. I have a really high tolerance level and low addiction level--something I inherited from my mother. I can smoke or not smoke I don't care. I smoked in high school and one day decided that $1.50 a pack was too much to pay for cigarettes so I just quit. No big deal. (I don't know how some of you smoke now and pay twice that!) I can drink or not drink, it doesn't bother me to have a margarita with my burrito, it also doesn't bother me not to have anything alcoholic for long periods of time. But when I said what I said about having "too much" I meant that whatever wine it was, it gave me a headache! Sometimes that does happen with wine and me, I don't know why. Yes, I should have been more responsible in my statements and not been so casual with my comments. Again, I wasn't thinking. And again, I expect that people will act biblically and come to me when they have a beef with me. Again, I suppose I expect too much from some people. And by the way, the Bible does not say drinking is a sin. It cautions us against being DRUNK. It cautions us against caring more about alcohol (or food or anything) more than Christ and it cautions us not to do anything that may cause others to stumble. Yet, if people are focused on each other and not on the Lord, then there's a bigger problem to worry about than whether or not someone has a glass of wine. I think people would be surprised to find out who among them does indulge now and then but feel that they have to hide it from their judgemental brethren. That, to me, is worse. If you murder someone and no one sees, does that make it better? That's the absurd line of thinking about alcohol that blows me away.

When confronted with the fact that there had been these complaints, I was devastated. Devastated to be 36 years old and talked to like a little child, sure. But more devastated that there were people who had been walking around among me and my family, smiling to our faces but didn't have the guts to confront me face to face and instead ran to tattle behind my back to insure that their own agendas were accomplished. I was told that "no one wanted me to step down" from anything I was doing. That only confirmed the underhandedness of it all. If I was flawed, fine. I accept that. I KNOW that. But if I'm not good enough to have the position, why would I be good enough to stay and TEACH CHILDREN??? It just didn't make any sense to me but of course, I knew what was really going on.

When I decided to indeed, give the people what they want and step down, I was also informed that I could no longer be involved in ANY ministry of the church. It was being made quite clear to me that my help was not wanted or needed and no regard was made for my family, my husband who was coming to really love the Baptist church, my children who were involved. It hurt my family and it hurt God way more than it hurt me and believe me, it hurt me VERY MUCH. I think what hurt the most was that some of the people I thought we'd gotten close to never even called us to ask what was going on and to this day, they don't speak. So maybe they knew...

But there were those who championed us also. Those who stood by us, fought for us, defended us and for that, I am eternally grateful. If you happen to be one of those people and are reading this now, I hope you know how much I love you and am thankful for you. You are a TRUE friend and a TRUE Christian in every sense of the words.

Looking back on everything now, I can see not only the mistakes I made but the warning signs that God had been showing me that I didn't want to see. As I said, I accept responsibility for MY part. I have confessed, repented and been forgiven. But I have had to repeatedly make myself forgive others. That's the thing about real forgiveness--it's an act of will. Sometimes an act of will that we have to do over and over again. It's not something we can just do like God can and through that I have learned how really amazing God is! I have to remind myself not to hold others to the same standard they were trying to hold me to because we ALL SIN AND FALL SHORT! And that God will deal with those who attempted to thwart any plans He may have had. He still gets the victory.

During our absence, we tried to settle into other churches. There are some really fabulous places and some wonderful people serving the Lord. But it just didn't feel like "home". But "home" didn't feel like "home" either anymore. The few times I had to go back for something the kids were involved in, it felt like a darkness was over the place or something.

It took time and prayer and the encouragement from a few friends to make my journey back. I remember walking in a few months ago and getting so many hugs. But I got a few dirty looks, too and sometimes I still catch a glimpse of those looks. It's like "What are YOU doing here?" But mostly it's been positive. It's still a slow process. We aren't ready to jump right in like we were and maybe we never will be. God will have to show us what He wants us to do. But I am happy to be back "home". I joined a new Sunday School class for various reasons and I am just there to worship the Lord. I am excited about the changes God has brought about during the last few years, too. It's amazing to see what He can do, how He works all things to the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) I have to keep reminding myself to be patient about a lot of things. It takes time. And it's His timeline, not mine.