2 down, 31 to go!

Well ,give or take. I've been approved for 42 treatments but it doesn't look like that many have been scheduled. I got my calendar of appointments yesterday at my first treatment and it looks like I'm booked every day until September 28 except for Labor Day when they are closed.

I took at ativan yesterday at 2 p.m. because the anxiety was about to kill me. I left work, went and picked up my mom and we drove over to the cancer center. They showed me where to go, where to get undressed, etc. and then I got my mouthpiece and mask and strapped down. It took about 15 minutes. My jaw was sore when I was done and the tech told me next time to try and relax my jaw more and don't bite down.

Then mom and I met with the nurse and she explained what all I might experience as far as side effects go and what they could do etc. I have been truly blessed with some sweet nurses and technicians.

Mom then drove me to Mango Tango for a smoothie and then home. I took a pain pill, laid down on the couch around 5 p.m. and knew nothing else until 8 a.m.!

I hurried and got ready for work and we had a meeting of bad news. Trying to keep an open mind so I won't share anything yet but it has not been a great day.

Then EQ, my work bff, and I left for another treatment. This time it only took 5 minutes and I did not need to speak with a nurse or anything so we left and headed to Steel City Pops for a soothing treat for my throat which is already getting really sore!

I finished the work day and here I am. At home. Bored. Depressed. Tired. The bad news is this will probably be how I am for the next six weeks. The good news is, it's only six weeks.

Woman, interrupted

I'm sitting here at 6 a.m. listening to Church of the Highlands 21 Days of prayer services online. I'm trying to let my soul find comfort in the music but I can't still my mind.  I remember back to almost a few months ago when I was told I had cancer and after the initial shock I felt this peace wash over me and then my fight instinct kicked in. I want to get those feelings back and stop being so irritated and overwhelmed but somehow I just can't get back to that place of peace no matter what I do.

I had a great weekend. Had dinner with my high school friends again and then Saturday, Jeff, Kayti and I went tubing down the Little Cahaba. Sunday I did church online, some much needed housework, a few hours at the pool and went grocery shopping.  We went and got our white-out shirts for the football game and I tried to get in bed early.

Then I go to work and hear about all the stuff we're not doing right or new client directives, etc., open the mailbox to more bills and junk, try to get home so I can cut the grass but the bottom falls out of the sky and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and get irritated all over again.  I know this is just life stuff but everything just bothers me so much more right now. It's hard to explain or put into words.

So I was supposed to have heard from oncology about a start date by Monday but the only thing I got was an appointment for a nutritionist and another for a pain management doctor--both at the end of August. So I'm thinking, okay, they're waiting until the beginning of September to start. Okay, at least I'll get in one last beach trip! Then yesterday this rude little nurse calls while I'm in a work meeting and leaves me a voice mail TELLING ME my first radiation appointment is Thursday at 11:20.

Um, no!

In the first place, they jerk me around for weeks making me wait until my fight is about gone and then drop the bomb. Then they just assume I have nothing to do and schedule it for the middle of the day? I don't think so.

So I call her and told her that's not going to happen. I work a full time job and yes, I know, this is my health we're talking about here but I have two kids still at home to feed. If I die, they'll get life insurance and can feed themselves but as long as I'm living, I have to work! I can't come in the middle of the day like that ESPECIALLY since I have to take a nerve pill prior to treatment. I'm going to have to go all the way home, pick up mom or one of the girls to go with me and then drive all the way back to Acton Road. I have to have something later--much later.

She proceeds to tell me that's the only time she has available.  Um, this lady apparently doesn't know me or know not to try and bully me or back me into a corner! So I told her just forget the whole thing, I'm not doing it and I explained all that to her again. So she says, "well I was under the impression you wanted morning."

Girl, please--11:30 is not morning on a workday! And yes I did want mornings--early early mornings so I could still go to work after. But I can't take ativan, get a treatment and still work all day. Ativan knocks me on my butt!

So she sighs and says let me see what I can do and I'll call you back. A few hours later she leaves another voicemail message--this time it's 3:05. Better but not really good enough. So I just lost it.

All my wonderful co-workers tell me I really don't have a choice and I know they're right (to a point) but I have just lost my will. I don't want to do this. I don't want my life interrupted! I don't want to inconvenience people or tell people I can't do things because I have cancer.

After finally gaining some composure back and arranging the logistics I call back. This time I get a different nurse. I guess the other one was sick of me, too. haha  I told her this time the time would be fine but we're definitely going to have to work at getting it later in the day and hopefully I'll get used to it, less anxious and maybe switch to mornings. I also asked about taking a few days off to go out of town and she said I'd have to talk to the doctor but usually they just add those treatments onto the end.

They're gonna have to. My mind is made up. People miss all the time. The clinic is going to be closed for Labor Day, the machines will be down at times. Stuff happens. Life happens. Interruptions happen.

I am still praying I'll be able to keep doing what I enjoy during this time because the hardest thing for me to take are the interruptions. But for now, I guess that's what I'll just be--a woman, interrupted.

1 month post C-word

I realize it's been awhile since my last blog. What can I say? What am I supposed to write--how irritated I am a lot of the time? I am trying to accept my new limitations but it's hard and no, knowing they're temporary doesn't make it any easier. I'm overwhelmed. I'm used to being busy but this is different. I've gotten enough of my energy back to be able to crochet some things, mow the grass, and clean the house, etc.

I get stressed out when the house isn't clean and the girls are great at doing what I ask. But what can I say? I'm super picky. But I don't want to be a bitch so I try not to nag or complain so I just say stressed. And I guess I still have fog from the anesthesia because it's hard for me to remember to take all these new vitamins throughout the day that I'm supposed to be taking. I don't get enough sleep regardless of what I do. I don't have the energy for the exercise I'm supposed to be getting. Work is kicking my butt. I'm lonely. Grad school starts back in 18 days. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all and I can't postpone it. I'm too close to being done!

I'm emotional a lot of the time--much more emotional that I normally am which may or may not be a good thing. Since my divorce, I've become a little jaded. I don't get all sappy over things that most people do. I've learned not to get attached to people easily and if someone wants out of my life, I'll hold the door open. But now it's all different. I'm not even remotely interested in dating right now, though I do have a crush or two and some good guy friends I wish I could spend more time with. But I constantly think about being alone for the rest of my life and that used to not bother me at all. I wonder if I will live to see grandchildren or even college graduations. I know I should be grateful because I know others that didn't make it to their kids high school graduations but it breaks a mama's heart to think about the possibility of missing even a moment of your children's lives.

And I think back on things in my life that I wish I'd done differently. I thought I'd mastered the art of no regrets and now regret is starting to creep back in. I just have to try harder to push it away and accept things for what they are and try to be optimistic. What choice do I have?

If that weren't enough--I still haven't started radiation treatments! I thought I would start a few weeks ago but the oncologist wanted to wait until my incision healed a little more. Although I must say it looks amazing! Have to give props to Dr. Carroll at UAB--if you didn't know it was there you'd never see it, especially with my hair down and we'll talk about my hair later.

So I went in this past Monday for what they call a simulation. They did another CT scan with dye contrast so they could decide exactly where they want to the radiation to go and I also had to have my mouthpiece which will keep my tongue out of the way so it doesn't get burned and my mask made. That was an ordeal.

It doesn't matter how much or how detailed they explain this procedure, you can't possibly psych yourself up for something like this. Especially if you're claustrophobic AND have a tiny mouth to begin with.

The mask starts out as a flat piece. They dip it in hot water and lay it over your face and it molds to a custom fit. This is so they have an exact replica of your head and can mark it up and pinpoint exactly where they want the radiation to go. So you have to close your eyes and therefore you can't see anything. But before they put the mask on, you have to get fitted for the mouthpiece that you'll have to wear. If you have ever had any kind of dental work done and had to have impressions made, it's a little like that. They stick this popsicle thing in your mouth and it molds to fit your the inside of your mouth and hold your tongue over to one side and away from radiation. 

The problem is, it's bigger than it looks in the picture. And I have a small mouth. Not only that, the side of my head has been cut and my jaw is really sore and won't open very wide at all. It's a good thing I'm not married or dating because oral would be totally out of  the question--it's that severe! 

So I'm lying there with this thing in my mouth gagging me, my eyes closed so I can't see a thing and they come at me with this mask and then they snap it to the table! It felt like I was in some twisted episode of Criminal Minds and my Special Agent Derek Morgan was nowhere around! I was freaking out!

I love my doctor. She stood there and held my hand the entire time while the technicians did their thing and everyone was telling me I was doing good but I was sure I would hyperventilate from breathing so hard and fast. My doctor decided that for treatments I would need to take an ativan prior to coming to ease my anxiety somewhat. That's great but it blows my entire plan out of the water! 

I'm going to have to do this EVERY day, Monday-Friday for six and a half weeks. I had planned to do it mornings and then go to work because my hours are really flexible and that way I can still do my job. But if I'm going to take ativan before, I won't possibly be able to work after. This means I'll have to go into work really early (haha,that'll never happen) and leave early, go get someone to drive me, take my ativan, get my treatment and go home and sleep and do nothing else! 

So I'm praying that all that was just the anxiety of the unknown and that I'll get used to it because I don't have time to be a big weinie!

And my hair--yeah, turns out I'm going to lose some of it after all and permanently. Because of where the radiation needs to go, the hairline in the back on the left side is going to move up a few inches and leave the space below slick. I'm not sure how that will end up looking. Fortunately, my hair is long and the hair above it may cover it enough so you won't be able to tell. But I'll have to wait and see. And pulling my hair up may look awkward. So there goes one of my best features maybe. And if so, I'll just shave my head and rock some bandanas!

Even knowing all this and worrying about it, I'm still anxious to get it started but I still don't have a start date. All the doctors have to review and sign off on the "plan" and I'm sure the insurance company as well, although I'm very blessed to have insurance that covers cancer 100%!

So enough of the negative, let me try to be positive for a bit. I'm super blessed! Although I have not spoken to my ex in two weeks and I'm not sure why, I know if I needed him he'd still be there. But he wants to move on with his life and I love him enough to let him try. My parents are super supportive as are my sisters and of course, my friends. I am so thankful to God for showing me who my TRUE ones are. They are the ones that aren't concerned for themselves but call to check on ME and ask how *I* am doing instead of always wanting to talk about themselves. They bring meals, gifts, and pray. They constantly offer words of encouragement. They do my toes, nails, let me raid their closets, take me out for a night of fun, help financially, text out of the blue to say "hi, thinking about you", drop in on me in the middle of the workday with a smoothie...it's all been overwhelmingly wonderful.

I try to be encouraged about the future knowing I have overcome so many things in my life that most people would slit their wrists over--bankruptcy, repossession, foreclosure, troubled teenaged child, college as a working mom, divorce, domestic violence, jail, etc. etc. etc. And I've made it through each thing and come out on top. I will beat this and come out on top, too. I just may have to whine a little first.

Meltdown!

The first of what I fear will be many meltdowns has happened. It happened last Friday when I felt so awful I took off from work. I literally had no energy at all was in so much pain. I'd promised on Wednesday that I would go and pay a bill on Friday and knew it HAD to be done. I had dinner plans with Angela that evening, the Def Leppard concert Saturday night and Kayti's birthday festivities Sunday. I did not have time for this!

I ultimately humbled myself and asked my sister for help, which she graciously did. But having to ask just sent me over the edge. I am Michelle, strong woman, single mom, independent and self sufficient--I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP! Moreover, I DO NOT CANCEL PLANS! I have a very full, active and fabulous life that I love and have worked hard for and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP. While talking to my sister, the floodgates opened for the first time when reality started to sink in.

It is what it is. There are going to be days when I just can't do it all and I'm going to have to start making some really tough choices. At least for awhile. I did manage to muster up some energy to keep my dinner plans and I got Kayti to drive me.

Then Saturday morning came and once again, I was down. I laid around all. freaking. day. I finally fell asleep and barely woke in time to get ready for the show but I was so glad I did and so glad that I got my lifelong best friend to take me!

Sunday morning, I slept in and then we took Kayti to iHop for brunch and then she and her dad went on a hike with our Church of the Highlands Hiking small group. They came home and we had my sisters and their families over for a cookout and cake.

My sleep patterns are still all messed up from the anesthesia. I am wired at night and the by the time I fall asleep, it's time to get up for work again. I managed to make it two full days at work Monday and Tuesday but last night I had another meltdown when I realized that to work, my evenings have to be lazy. No more exercise, running here and there--I just have to crash. This is one of those hard choices I was afraid of and nothing could cheer me up until I went to bed. But I still couldn't sleep and so I got on social media and found some encouraging words from friends that didn't even realize they were saying exactly what I needed to hear.

Still, this morning I was nervous all over again when it was time for my follow-up appointment to check the wound and find out the final  path report. Sitting in the exam room next to Jeff, it seemed like forever before the doctor came in and I was still sleepy so I just laid my head in my hands to rest but I remembered Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane:

"Father, if there is any way, please take this cup from me. But your will, not mine." And that is what I prayed. If God wants me to go through this for whatever reason, I will do it. And I will do my best to bring glory to Him.

Then I got the news. Officially, yes it was what they originally thought--Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma and yes I will need radiation and close follow up for the next few years. And at once, my strong faith turned once again to fear and disappointment. I hope God will forgive me for that.

I will need to have a CT scan to confirm that it hasn't spread to the chest but the doctor doesn't think it has. He's fairly certain that it was all in my parotid gland. Inside the gland, 3/5 nodes were positive but he removed all 5 anyway. There was no cancer in any nodes outside the gland so that's a good indication that it hasn't spread. Of course, I'll know more tomorrow. And I'll begin radiation to shrink anything microscopic in a few weeks. And again, I'll have to pay close attention to my nutrition and exercise when I'm able. He said that my own immune system is going to be my best ally in helping to fight this off and so the stronger it is, the better off I'll be. And exercise always helps to make a body strong but there will be days that I simply won't have the energy because this IS a big deal and so when that happens I can't be too hard on myself. That's so much easier said than done! I don't know why but I have always put pressure on myself with all kinds of things.

The good news is the wound is healing nicely and the feeling in my left ear should return within a few weeks as well as the nerves in the left side of my lips and chin should regain function soon. The doctor also said there are no genetic markers for this type of cancer so worries for my children. It's also not been linked to any behavior or environmental causes so there's nothing that I did or anything that could have caused it. It's just one of those freak things and I'm blessed that I was persistent in getting it checked out and having it removed, even though it was thought to be benign and no rush.

I do appreciate all the prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, well wishes, meals and offers of help! I'm overwhelmed at the caring attitudes and concern from so many wonderful people! I love you all so much. I'm going to beat this!

I'm a C-word!

And the C word is "cancer patient".

Yes, I have cancer. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma to be exact which is a rare form of cancer of the secretory glands, usually starting in the salivary glands which is where mine was. I'll start from the beginning:

I first noticed a lump under my ear January 2014 and saw a doctor. She said it was just swollen lymph node that sometimes they take awhile to go back down after you've been sick. I told her I hadn't been sick but she kinda blew it off and so I figured I was probably becoming a hypochondriac in my old age and so I didn't think anymore of it. 

But about six months later, it was still there and was starting to get bigger and hurt a little. Not all the time but sometimes. So I saw another doctor. Again, he said it was probably nothing and the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign but he gave me some antibiotics. He did want to do an ultrasound but he didn't have an ultrasound machine (go figure) and sent me to another facility and because of that, the insurance I had at the time (because I was working a temp position) wanted a separate $200 copay! I just took the antibiotics. 

But several months later after I got a different job and better insurance, I started seeing Dr. Miller. She agreed that it was probably nothing but to put my mind at ease, she did an ultrasound in her office. Then she sent me to an ENT, Dr. Jebeles and he had it biopsied and did a CT scan. The biopsy results came back benign but he still recommended having it taken out because it would only get bigger and could ultimately disrupt facial nerves. So I saw a surgeon that specializes in otorlaryngology and had the surgery Thursday. 

While I was still in surgery, he found additional inflammation and sent all the tissue off to the lab for preliminary analysis and the lab people said it looked malignant to them. So he took some extra time and took out the lymph node and some additional surrounding tissue. He's pretty sure he got it all but I may still have to do radiation once the final pathology report comes back. 

I was initially upset. Shocked, I guess. But I'm fine. My neck is stiff from not being able to turn to the left much and there is still numbness. As the feeling returns little by little, the incision is itchy and stings a little. I have a little trouble swallowing and don't have much of a voice right now so please, if you need to contact me, text. I know I never much liked talking on the phone anyway but now I seriously can't, especially if you're hard of hearing because I just can't yell! lol

And it's not pretty!

Too bad it's not Halloween! The bandaid at the bottom is covering a hole where the drainage tube was. I was so glad to get that out! I'm told the other stitches will fall out on their own and once they do, the appearance won't be so jagged. Also my luscious locks will cover most of it as will makeup. Also the swelling will go down once the nerve heals and I regain the feeling. 

But as I was lying awake in the wee hours this morning, I thought about how incredibly blessed I am. I would've thought I'd be scared, angry or upset but I honestly don't feel any of those things. I'm surprisingly peaceful and the only explanation I have is that I know the One that died for me is in complete control and I am absolutely fine with whatever happens because regardless, I win!

If I'm healed on earth then I get to continue this crazy-amazing life of serving God by loving His people, spending time with my wonderful family and friends, learning new things and having new experiences. If my healing comes through heaven, then I get to see my Maw Maw again, friends that have gone on already and will get to meet Jesus face to face! I'm not just saying this because it's "the right" thing to say or because I want others to feel sorry for me, think I'm some brave person or even to comfort others. This is really my heart! I am a woman who has not lived anywhere close to a perfect life but has been blessed in countless ways that I just can't feel anything but pure joy! I just wanted to show how good God is! And to say listen to your body! Don't let doctors blow you off when you know something isn't right.  I thank everyone for your prayers and concern! I'm truly touched.

I know things are going to be different from now on. I'm going to have to accept that. But they don't have to be different in a bad way. For one thing, I'm not going to tolerate any negativity.  I'm so blessed that I plan to focus completely on those blessings--my children and family, the friends that have proven to be REAL friends that are concerned about something other than themselves all the time. I have a great church, a great job and a zest for life, learning and new experiences. My health has to stop taking a backseat to everything else and it's no longer about losing weight and trying to have a hot body. I just want a healthy body.  I'm going to keep serving the Lord by serving His people for as long as I have breath in my body. My goals may have to change from things like healing my knees so I can maybe one day attempt to get a zumba certificaiton or run a half marathon to things like, making sure I'm healthy enough to take care of grandbabies and still here to do so in the FAR FAR future! lol 

The focus will shift from achievement to legacy. I want people to know how much they mean to me--how much they've ALWAYS meant to me.  I want to be known for my heart, all the depths of it and nothing else. If I've ever wronged you, or even if I really haven't but you feel like I have, then I truly am sorry. If you've ever wronged me, or even if you didn't but I felt like you did, you're forgiven. 

I am ready for the journey!

My blog is appropriately titled!

Yes, I know. It's been awhile since I've made time to blog. Life has been super crazy busy--full of the good and bad, ups and downs that make it interesting. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I started a new job and it has been difficult for a number of reasons. It's a great company and I like my boss and coworkers. But the business we're in frustrates me. It's not like a normal business where you perform a service and get paid and everyone is happy. It's government regulated and on top of that the clients can be difficult. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, things change. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's definitely challenging and never boring. I have great benefits, finally make a decent salary and for the most part I'm happy. There are days when I wish I was back teaching preschoolers, doing crafts, fixing snacks and making bulletin boards. It all seems like a lifetime ago. And then I remind myself that that profession came with its own challenges as I imagine every job does. So I digress. I'm content for now, thankful to be employed.

Kayti has been in the hospital twice. She's okay and I'm not going to disclose what was wrong out of respect for her privacy but it's an ongoing issue and probably will be for quite sometime. There have been an array of other things involving her that we have had to deal with. She is back home living with me, looking for a job and planning to go to Jeff State in the Fall and become an EMT. On a happy note, she is going to church again and has renewed faith in God. We are praying continually for God's hand over her life. She's been coming to small group with me on Tuesday night (and btw, I have finished and delivered 3 prayer shawls, have 1 more to be delivered and am halfway through another. I also completed my first afghan!) and we also joined a hiking small group on Sunday afternoons. Most days it seems she's trying.

Brooke made colorguard again for her upcoming Senior year and we are very excited! Looking forward to another great football season with our Cougars. She also had the female lead in the Spring Musical. She was Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and she blew everyone away! To see her walking in those 5 inch stilletto heels and speaking with the Brooklyn accent--it was great! And she has an amazing singing voice! It was an emotional night as their beloved theater professor, Mr. Mac retired. I know he will be dearly missed.  She also is starting a new job soon at the Cracker Barrel and I finally bought another car so she can drive the Mustang. But I made it clear it is still very much my car whenever I need some top-down therapy!

The car I bought is an SUV. It's not brand new but a decent vehicle and had everything I wanted--a sunroof, towing package and it's crimson! I can't wait for tailgating! I named it Steve to go with my mustang, Miranda! Steve and Miranda. If you have never watched Sex and the City you won't get it. One day I will have a camaro named Carrie and an RV named Big. :)

My parents finally moved out of Tarrant City and into a rental home in Clay right next door to Mia.  I think they had mixed feelings about leaving Tarrant behind as we all did but they seem to be settling in.

I finished another semester of graduate school and made two A's and B. I'm more proud of the B than the A's because the B was in Cost Accounting! I now have 5 classes left before I am an MBA (Master's of Business Administration). And yes, it's a BIG deal! I'm excited to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dylan is out of school for the summer but has a new job in Hueytown so he is staying in Tuscaloosa. He has one more semester at Alabama and he will be a Bama grad! I am so proud of him but I miss him so much. I know I may as well get used to it. My little boy is all grown up and gone on his own. I know I should be proud that I did my job well in raising such a wonderful young man but there will always be a part of me that longs to rock my babies again. I think he will probably end up moving to Huntsville for a job when he graduates. We'll see.

I'm contemplating buying a house again within the next year. I have fought it for so long because home ownership did not have any advantages for me before. Plus I just don't know where I want to be and hate the thought of being tied down to a piece of property. I have thought of moving to the beach many times. Or living on Southside. Or moving to a small town a little further north. But rent just keeps getting so expensive. And I like the thought of buying a lot of property so I can take care of my parents. I definitely like the thought of getting out of Jefferson County. But we'll see.

I continue to have issues with my knees which makes weight loss increasingly difficult. I saw the knee doctor again a few months ago but as usual, he just wants to cut cut cut. And I'd be willing if I knew that would fix things. But the problem, he says, is a collapsed MCL (ligament). He says there's nothing that can really be done except knee replacement. But in my research on knee replacement, the new knee depends on the ligaments around it for success. Well, that's the part that's messed up! What good is a new knee if the surrounding tissue is what's bad? Why can't they just fix that? He has not been able to explain it to my satisfaction. I'm getting a second opinion soon. I just can't accept that Noah Galloway can run marathons and compete in dance with one leg and they can't fix my stupid knee! I did get a brace  that helps me continue to power walk and ride the old lady bike at the gym. But I miss zumba! I REALLY miss zumba!

Before I can think about a second opinion on the knee, I have to have neck surgery! This bump on the side of my neck that I've complained to THREE doctors about who all told me it was "just a swollen lymph node" is actually a tumor! That's right, a tumor! The biopsy showed it's most likely benign but it still needs to come out and sooner rather than later because the bigger it gets--and it will get bigger, the specialist said--the greater the risk of nerve damage to my face when they do remove it.  So I go under the knife next week. It should be a relatively short recovery. I just hope it's not a big scar.

With all that's been going on in my life, my circle of friends has changed somewhat. I saw it coming. I still love them all dearly but I just had nothing left to give and it seem to be continually demanding. I went through a period when *I* needed someone to be there for me and apparently they had nothing left to give me either. No calls asking about my medical results or my daughter's well-being.  Jealousy for when I spend time with other people and assuming things without asking. I'll never know exactly what happened because I never got the courtesy of being asked. But like I said, I'm not really all that surprised. I'm a little hurt but not mad. I could never hate and I wish them all well. I truly do. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. I'm content to leave it in God's hands.

I've been feeling disconnected from many things lately and feel it's time to refocus and reprioritize. I've tried to give up Facebook before and it's difficult when so many things are connected to it now--small groups, contacts, etc. But it does suck your time. And I'm so weary of the drama. You say just about anything at all and people take it personally if they disagree, whether it's religion, politics (which I hate) or even sharing your own personal experiences--people take it as a personal attack on THEM. It's ludicrous. And I'm so sick of how brave but nasty people can be to each other when sitting behind a computer screen. I am just about ready to move on. I've never had anything to hide but it gets old when everyone thinks they know you just because they are your friend on facebook. Just silliness.  We'll see how that goes, too.

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge--Day 5 My dreams

Yes, I got behind--life happened! I'll carry on now...

Dear dreams that I have at night,

I believe that you have meaning. Years ago when I dreamed about someone, something would happen to them in real life. It wasn't always bad things but something significant. In recent years, I keep dreaming about one person in particular. Not every night but at least once a week. I do not know what this means. I don't keep in touch with him so I don't know what's going on with him. I dated him only briefly. We parted on good terms. As far as I know he is happily married now. He was never for me and I knew that. I am not in love with him in any way, shape or form nor was I ever. So dreams, stop it. Because there isn't anything I can do (and don't really want to). So start making sense or move on!

Dear dreams that I have in my heart,

I'm sorry I'm not nurturing you. Well, some of you I am. I am working on my MBA. And that dream is pretty much kicking the rest of you guys' rear end! There just are not enough hours in the day! But I want the rest of you to know that I am holding on to you hard! One day, God willing, I will:

1) publish a novel
2) publish a non-fiction book
3) lose this weight and be in better overall heatlh
4) live near the beach or water
5) travel a lot--one big trip a year, several small ones a year
6) go on a mission trip, maybe even once a year
7) be better off financially
8) play with my grandchildren (this one better be way way WAY in the future!)
9) finish a half-marathon
10) get my zumba certification
11) hike at least part of the Appalachian trail
12) drive at least part of Route 66

And to the one dream that I have put on hold for now--God will know when it's time for me to meet someone new for romantic reasons. And if God thinks that will never be a good idea for me ever again, I'm fine with that. I am. I know what I bring to the table--I'm okay eating alone! :)

Love,

Chel