unchartered territory

So I haven't officially "moved in" at Shari's but I have definitely moved out of my house! I can't stay at Shari's until I get a car because it's too far to bum rides. So I'm staying with Craig this week. The kids are with their dad at the house and yes, I know I'm a terrible mom for leaving them...get in line with all those accusations. But what could I do...I couldn't bring them to Craig's--it's just too soon. I dont want them thinking that he's the reason their parents marriage fell apart because it's NOT. And believe me, I HAD to leave. Things got really ugly, as I'm sure you can imagine and I couldn't handle being there anymore, even though Jeff was staying at his parents...I needed to make myself not dependent on him at all...I was screwed over on income taxes for this year and that's making it hard for me to get on my feet but that's fine...what comes around goes around and I'm sure he's thinking the same thing. We signed papers last Wednesday and
everything will be final in 30 days. Seems a fast end for a 21 year marriage but it IS what I wanted. But I would be lying if I said I didnt get emotional at times, mainly because I feel bad for hurting him, the kids and I feel like a failure. But like someone said on facebook today--you can't control your heart--it controls you. I'm finding that to be more true than ever for me lately.


They are coming to stay with me at Shari's this weekend though. Dylan will have his blazer for us to drive and we have a LOT to do and a LOT of fun things planned. Shari is going to the beach for the weekend so we will be by ourselves in our new place and I think that will be good.

My room is put together for the most part and I really like it. Still need a rug and comforters and a few other items but I like it because its MINE. (and the girls) But there's still a lot to be done. Need to move some stuff around and make room for my deep freezer in Shari's kitchen. Planning on stocking up on a bunch of frozen dinners so we're gonna need it!

I'm hoping to get Dylan to help me make a headboard for my new bed, too. He's awesome at woodworking and I have a few ideas I want to try out which brings me to my next thing...

I'm thinking about going back to school again. But not seriously thinking about it right now. I have so much student loan debt already and since I already have my first degree, I dont qualify for grants. The thought of going into debt further doesnt appeal to me AT ALL and since I'm not flush with cash...it's just in the back of my mind for now. But I DO planning on taking a Community Education course at Jeff State for Interior Design. It doesnt cost much and I think that may give me a feel of whether or not I think I would be interested in it and good at it before I take any bigger steps. I DO love watching interior design shows and trying out those ideas with my own stuff and I've always been creative and thrifty because I've had to be. But it's yet another field where people will want you to do it for them for free and it's hard to drum up business so here I go again down a path that doesnt pay well...*sigh* what's a struggling single mom to do?

The search for full-time employment isn't going well at all so I'm thinking I may stick with teaching for now in hopes that eventually a director position somewhere will come along until I figure something else out. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to purchase a cobra policy or individual health policy for myself. The kids are staying on Jeff's healthcare plan so it shouldn't be too expensive. And then I hope to get some sidework or a 2nd job if I can manage it.

All that is after I get a car of course. Hoping to go car shopping next week...please PRAY! I need something cheap, reliable, cheap on gas....but I want a convertible! lol
And finding someone to finance me without ripping me off is going to be a BIG challenge. But I've got to have wheels...I've GOT to get back to the gym and to zumba! I am seriously missing my exercise endorphins! Not to mention...my body needs some shaping!

Things with Craig are going okay for the most part. Me staying with him this week has kind of made things difficult, I think but I hope we're able to get past some issues.It's nothing major--we are just getting to know each other...the usual stuff (I think...but how the hell would I know, I dont have a lot of experience being "single" and in a new relationship!) I DO love him and no matter what happens, will be forever grateful to him for what he's given me during this difficult time in my life. His family is also amazing and that is new to me also. I never thought my own family would turn on me like this. I know they are heartbroken but I swear they act like their pain is deeper than mine. I'm not looking for their approval--or yours for that matter, or anyone's. I dont ever expect to get that. I dont expect anyone to understand because most of the time I dont understand myself. But I DID expect them to love me unconditionally and be there for me. I guess that was too much to ask.

But God can do great things even in the midst of chaos. It's brought me closer to my sister Melanie--now she's not the blackest sheep of the family! lol And it's shown me who my real friends are and who aren't. And I'm so very grateful to have them! It's also taught me that having a plan is good but that our lives can change with every breath we take--we can't always control what the day brings. Sometimes we just have to roll with it!

And some days are better than others. But as long as I have something to look forward to--and I always make sure that I do--I'll be fine.

Be blessed--gotta run, the weekend calls!