No truer words exist for me right now. Three weeks ago, I thought I was a happily married woman, trying to devote myself to my family, friends and hobbies.
Now I'm pinching pennies (not that I wasn't doing that before but even more so now!), opening my own bank account, renting u-haul trucks and shopping for divorce lawyers.
Yes, it is official and I'm afraid there will be no change of heart or reconciliation this time. We tried, we really did. And I love Jeff, always have always will. It just became a different kind of love. He's a great guy, a good father and I can't say anything bad about him. But I don't love him like a wife should and I can't pretend to anymore. I could be content if I had to be but why? Why steal the best years of both our lives when I feel the way I do? Because I stood before God and made a promise? I was 19!!!!! What the hell did I know about "till death do you part"?
My ONLY concern right now if for my kids but I know what amazing kids I have been blessed with and I know that they are going to be okay. Jeff and I are working very hard to make sure of that. God love him, he has every reason in the world to hate me and want to turn them against me but he's a big enough man to realize that will only hurt them. I really do hope he finds happiness again someday.
Dylan is staying here in the house with Jeff until he heads off to Bama in the Fall. The girls and I are moving in with Shari temporarily. Until I find a full-time job, that's the only way I can support us on my salary. We've already worked out all the child support/visitation issues. And there aren't any assets to fight over so...
But there are a lot of hurt feelings. Jeff's family is SUPER PISSED at me. I understand, that's their baby. And I never cared much for most of them anyway. As long as they don't bother my kids, we'll all get along just fine from a distance.
My family isn't very happy either. They think Jeff hung the moon. And he did. But hanging the moon isn't enough reason to stay married to someone you don't love. But I do understand he's been a part of our family for more than 21 years. It's gonna take time, I guess.
Except for worries about the kids and the occasional ugliness that rears its head from someone whose business it is NOT, I'm actually happier than I have been in a while. I'm excited about being on my own for the FIRST time in my life. I'm finding that I actually LIKE being alone and not having to run my every thought or wish by someone else. If I want to leave the tv on all night, it's cool. No one cares what time I come to bed or how long I stay on the computer. It's like a kid being in Disneyland or something! I also don't have to cook meat with every meal. We've had so much pasta this week we may overload on carbs! That's nice.
I'm not naive enough to believe there won't be some rough days up ahead. I'm sure there will be times when I will feel loneliness even if I'm not alone. The weight of my decision somedays will bear down on me and I will have to find a way to cope. I'll have to learn to get used to someone new...and they have to get used to me. But I have to believe than anything worth having is worth taking a risk for. As long as I always have God's grace and my kids, I'll be fine.
Like I said on facebook earlier, "it would be AWESOME to have the love and support of my family and friends but I'm not asking for nor do I need your approval. I will be judged by someone who is without sin, thank you. Take me as I am or watch me as I go."
Either way, I'll survive.
No comments:
Post a Comment