Moving day...

It's Saturday morning and Jeff has taken Kayti to Tere's house for the day. Brooke is at Abby Hayes' and Tere is going to pick her up from there and keep both girls until I get done with what I need to do.

A friend of a friend that I've never even met is coming with his truck and trailer to help me load stuff up here, go pick up stuff other places and unload it all at the new place. It's amazing to me the people that God has shown me and brought into my life who are really THERE for me...it's so not the people I would have thought. Thank you, God for wonderful, loving friends.

And please God, if I could ask one more thing even though I know I'm in no position to ask for ANYTHING, please help my family to understand. I'm not talking about the kids or Jeff, I know they never will--I don't even sometimes. But my mother and my sisters and other relatives, Lord, I just never imagined they'd turn their backs on me like they have. I feel like everything I knew to be true about the "unconditional love" of a family has just been shattered.

I wish they could understand that I may have made a mistake in their eyes. Maybe even in Yours, Lord. But I can't help the way I feel and I no longer have a choice about it anyway. Not that I want one but I dont have one. I can no longer pretend to be a happy mom when I'm not a happy person. I'm not doing this TO my kids, I'm doing this FOR my kids. I know they are hurting right now and that no one ever deals well with change but it is my prayer that one day they will realize that regardless, I ALWAYS have their best interests at heart.

Do I worry? Sure! I worry that Dylan is going to not want to go to T-town now but him not going will be over my dead and very bloody body! I worry that he'll have relationship issues, that he'll focus on how his parents' marriage ended instead of how long it lasted and how good it was for awhile. The same is true with the girls. I've been told I'm setting a very bad example for them morally. Okay...I'm not trying to. I hope that instead of focusing on the mistakes I've made that they'll focus on how I'm reacting to everything --trying to be positive and look forward, not back.

All I can do is the best I can do. I'm not going to look at my 21 year marriage as a failure but as a success. We lasted a HELL OF A LOT LONGER than ANYONE, including myself, thought we would. We produced three AMAZING kids and a lifetime of happy memories. I can't pinpoint an exact moment that everything fell apart. A little bit was chipped away every time something happened until it came to a point where there was no rebuilding it. We tried we really did.

I really dont expect people to understand. I am not even asking them to approve. But if they want to continue to be part of my life and my kids' lives they're going to have to accept it.

As for my faith, which has been questioned AGAIN but this time by people who have very little faith of their own, I still have it. If I've learned anything by my past experiences with church, prayer and God is that Romans 3:23 is true. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Especially me. ESPECIALLY me. And I'm not picking which of His rules I want to follow and which I don't. His word says if we break one, we break them all. So show me a person who is worse or better than me? "We are all in the same hospital." ~~Pastor Chris Hodges.

But God sets the example I'm trying to set for my kids and that is about UNCONDITIONAL love. I may have screwed up in the eyes of many, including God. But I KNOW He still loves me and wants to prosper me, wants the best for me...just like a loving Father SHOULD. Just like I do for my kids. My failures are NOT a reflection on Him or anyone else but a testimony to His grace.

And don't think just because I'm trying to focus on the positive things that I think this is going to be a fun, easy adventure. I've been VERY emotional these past few days and really really wanted my mommy to just put her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I digress. I had to do it myself. And maybe that's a good thing.

Jeff and I have already had our first REALLY BIG fight over money, child support, etc. and it got ugly. But we talked it through--more so than we ever did about anything in our marriage and I think it's because we are just both focused on being really good parents now instead of worrying about relationship issues. And we got over it and came to an agreement. I'm sure there will be many repeats and I hope we can get through them all the same. If we can, we'll be fine.

The point I want to make is that I'm not an idiot. I know things are not going to be easy. But again, I have a choice. I can try and take things and make my life and my kids' lives better or I can wallow in it, take a bunch of pills and just let life fall down around me. I choose the former. And if that offends anyone, all I can say is take me as I am or watch me as I go. I'm done worrying about it, whether you think I ever did or not.

Be blessed!