Details...

sorry but I've decided not to share them here. They've been shared enough with the people who needed to know. I will say that Craig is a good guy, that we are good friends, and I love him dearly. We are helping each other through some stuff. But that is all right now and it's in everyone's best interest if I just didn't stay over there right now. Sorry...but on to more positive notes:

Made lasagna and chocolate cake for the kids and we watched the Green Mile (love it) and just hung out here at the house. This morning no one wanted pancakes but me and Brooke so we decided to wait till tomorrow. Everyone except me had pop tarts. :)

Then we left and went shopping. Brooke wanted new jeans from Aeropostale and they were on sale so we went and grabbed a pair. Next we went to Academy and got her a soccer ball because she left hers at practice last fall and that's what a parent is required to do--replace their kids' crap when they lose it!

Then we went to Dylan's favorite store--Home Depot--and I got two pieces of wood to start making my designer headboard for my bed. No one except me (who wouldnt eat her pop tarts) was hungry for lunch yet so we headed toward Gardendale and the Hobby Lobby. I got me some canvas and some foam for the headboard but couldn't decide on any fabric that I could afford so I'll have to check Hancock for that sometime.

I finally force-fed everyone Mexican food (except Brooke because she is such a picky thing) we went and wasted time in Walmart and came home and just chilled.

The girls and I watched Valentine's Day and laughed. It felt good to laugh with my kids again. I wound up having to explain gay male sex to my 12 year old and despite my natural tendacy not to get embarassed by things, I was extremely embarassed after her reaction. You would have to have been here--it was hillarious! She honestly had no idea...my sweet innocent little girl! I think this was the funniest moment of all:

"Mom, you're talking about this and Dylan is in the next room!"

"So? He knows what it is.."

"Mom!"

"Brooke, hunny, I didn't say he did it, I just said he knows about it. At least, I hope he doesn't do it, I dont think he does." and then directing my voice to the next room--"but if you do, it's okay, I still LOVE YOU!!!!"

LOL

We were looking at the Sips and Strokes calendar and the thumbnail of a naked lady looked like Jesus to her and the picture of a wine glass and wine bottle, she thought it was Spongebob! roflmao

She never ceases to amuse me and even though she can be whiney, argumentative and annoying, her personality is amazing. She is usually always happy and positive and looking forward to the next thing. I love that part of her and it's something I've always tried to do myself.

As for the other two...Kayti is just Kayti. She's the most dependable, level-headed person I know--wise beyond her years and though she will laugh and isn't as serious as Dylan is all the time, she's not as goofy as Brooke. I am very proud of my daughter.

And though I'm very proud of my son, too--you all know that--he is the most amazing person I know and one of the few men I know worth a damn, even he can get pissy sometimes and these days, it's all the time.

I know he's very upset and angry with me about the divorce. I know how close he and his dad are and I would never try to do anything to change that. But I am really hurting over our wounded relationship and I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't want to force him to be here--how is that supposed to make anyone happy or accomplish anything? At the same time, I desparately want to spend time with him. I want to hold him, hug him and reassure the fat little baby boy inside of him that I'm still his mommy that loves him very much and would give her life for him and almost has a few times. You can't imagine the tremendous guilt and anxiety I feel about my relationship with my son right now--please, please pray for us.

I'm headed back to church today--Church of the Highlands. I have really missed it and these past few days, God has really been with me in so many ways. He has surrounded me with love and support of SO MANY friends and it has truly been overwhelming. It's time for me to start showing Him how much I love Him and appreciate Him being there for me by focusing on my relationship with Him. That doesn't mean I'm gonna start spewing Scripture at people, dress in a bluejean jumper, quit wearing makeup, or doing things I enjoy. It just means I'm gonna let him guide more of my steps than I have been letting him. I know I'm supposed to say I'm gonna give him complete control--well, I'm human and fallible and always will be. Control is a huge issue with me and while I definitely trust Him, I just know myself better than to think I'm going to turn into someone He didnt make me to be anyway. I wish I could explain to some people who dont understand what faith and grace truly are but I can't. All I can tell you is you just have to experience it...

I'm excited about getting back into exercise this week and I've signed up for a women's small group at Highlands that meets in Trussville while the girls are in dance. I just need a car!!! Please Jesus...drop me one from Heaven, would ya? lol

And while the weekend with the kids may have been a little awkward and tense, it's obvious my dog sure has missed me! She has not left my lap or my side all weekend. Why can't people love like dogs do? lol

Going to make pancakes before church, come back and clean up before Shari gets home and I have to go to my sister's for the week so I can have a way to work. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Wow...

Just to let everyone know that's not on facebook--I'm not at Craigs anymore. I'm at Shari's. Details when I'm up to it...for now, gonna concentrate on enjoying my weekend with my kids!

unchartered territory

So I haven't officially "moved in" at Shari's but I have definitely moved out of my house! I can't stay at Shari's until I get a car because it's too far to bum rides. So I'm staying with Craig this week. The kids are with their dad at the house and yes, I know I'm a terrible mom for leaving them...get in line with all those accusations. But what could I do...I couldn't bring them to Craig's--it's just too soon. I dont want them thinking that he's the reason their parents marriage fell apart because it's NOT. And believe me, I HAD to leave. Things got really ugly, as I'm sure you can imagine and I couldn't handle being there anymore, even though Jeff was staying at his parents...I needed to make myself not dependent on him at all...I was screwed over on income taxes for this year and that's making it hard for me to get on my feet but that's fine...what comes around goes around and I'm sure he's thinking the same thing. We signed papers last Wednesday and
everything will be final in 30 days. Seems a fast end for a 21 year marriage but it IS what I wanted. But I would be lying if I said I didnt get emotional at times, mainly because I feel bad for hurting him, the kids and I feel like a failure. But like someone said on facebook today--you can't control your heart--it controls you. I'm finding that to be more true than ever for me lately.


They are coming to stay with me at Shari's this weekend though. Dylan will have his blazer for us to drive and we have a LOT to do and a LOT of fun things planned. Shari is going to the beach for the weekend so we will be by ourselves in our new place and I think that will be good.

My room is put together for the most part and I really like it. Still need a rug and comforters and a few other items but I like it because its MINE. (and the girls) But there's still a lot to be done. Need to move some stuff around and make room for my deep freezer in Shari's kitchen. Planning on stocking up on a bunch of frozen dinners so we're gonna need it!

I'm hoping to get Dylan to help me make a headboard for my new bed, too. He's awesome at woodworking and I have a few ideas I want to try out which brings me to my next thing...

I'm thinking about going back to school again. But not seriously thinking about it right now. I have so much student loan debt already and since I already have my first degree, I dont qualify for grants. The thought of going into debt further doesnt appeal to me AT ALL and since I'm not flush with cash...it's just in the back of my mind for now. But I DO planning on taking a Community Education course at Jeff State for Interior Design. It doesnt cost much and I think that may give me a feel of whether or not I think I would be interested in it and good at it before I take any bigger steps. I DO love watching interior design shows and trying out those ideas with my own stuff and I've always been creative and thrifty because I've had to be. But it's yet another field where people will want you to do it for them for free and it's hard to drum up business so here I go again down a path that doesnt pay well...*sigh* what's a struggling single mom to do?

The search for full-time employment isn't going well at all so I'm thinking I may stick with teaching for now in hopes that eventually a director position somewhere will come along until I figure something else out. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to purchase a cobra policy or individual health policy for myself. The kids are staying on Jeff's healthcare plan so it shouldn't be too expensive. And then I hope to get some sidework or a 2nd job if I can manage it.

All that is after I get a car of course. Hoping to go car shopping next week...please PRAY! I need something cheap, reliable, cheap on gas....but I want a convertible! lol
And finding someone to finance me without ripping me off is going to be a BIG challenge. But I've got to have wheels...I've GOT to get back to the gym and to zumba! I am seriously missing my exercise endorphins! Not to mention...my body needs some shaping!

Things with Craig are going okay for the most part. Me staying with him this week has kind of made things difficult, I think but I hope we're able to get past some issues.It's nothing major--we are just getting to know each other...the usual stuff (I think...but how the hell would I know, I dont have a lot of experience being "single" and in a new relationship!) I DO love him and no matter what happens, will be forever grateful to him for what he's given me during this difficult time in my life. His family is also amazing and that is new to me also. I never thought my own family would turn on me like this. I know they are heartbroken but I swear they act like their pain is deeper than mine. I'm not looking for their approval--or yours for that matter, or anyone's. I dont ever expect to get that. I dont expect anyone to understand because most of the time I dont understand myself. But I DID expect them to love me unconditionally and be there for me. I guess that was too much to ask.

But God can do great things even in the midst of chaos. It's brought me closer to my sister Melanie--now she's not the blackest sheep of the family! lol And it's shown me who my real friends are and who aren't. And I'm so very grateful to have them! It's also taught me that having a plan is good but that our lives can change with every breath we take--we can't always control what the day brings. Sometimes we just have to roll with it!

And some days are better than others. But as long as I have something to look forward to--and I always make sure that I do--I'll be fine.

Be blessed--gotta run, the weekend calls!

Moving day...

It's Saturday morning and Jeff has taken Kayti to Tere's house for the day. Brooke is at Abby Hayes' and Tere is going to pick her up from there and keep both girls until I get done with what I need to do.

A friend of a friend that I've never even met is coming with his truck and trailer to help me load stuff up here, go pick up stuff other places and unload it all at the new place. It's amazing to me the people that God has shown me and brought into my life who are really THERE for me...it's so not the people I would have thought. Thank you, God for wonderful, loving friends.

And please God, if I could ask one more thing even though I know I'm in no position to ask for ANYTHING, please help my family to understand. I'm not talking about the kids or Jeff, I know they never will--I don't even sometimes. But my mother and my sisters and other relatives, Lord, I just never imagined they'd turn their backs on me like they have. I feel like everything I knew to be true about the "unconditional love" of a family has just been shattered.

I wish they could understand that I may have made a mistake in their eyes. Maybe even in Yours, Lord. But I can't help the way I feel and I no longer have a choice about it anyway. Not that I want one but I dont have one. I can no longer pretend to be a happy mom when I'm not a happy person. I'm not doing this TO my kids, I'm doing this FOR my kids. I know they are hurting right now and that no one ever deals well with change but it is my prayer that one day they will realize that regardless, I ALWAYS have their best interests at heart.

Do I worry? Sure! I worry that Dylan is going to not want to go to T-town now but him not going will be over my dead and very bloody body! I worry that he'll have relationship issues, that he'll focus on how his parents' marriage ended instead of how long it lasted and how good it was for awhile. The same is true with the girls. I've been told I'm setting a very bad example for them morally. Okay...I'm not trying to. I hope that instead of focusing on the mistakes I've made that they'll focus on how I'm reacting to everything --trying to be positive and look forward, not back.

All I can do is the best I can do. I'm not going to look at my 21 year marriage as a failure but as a success. We lasted a HELL OF A LOT LONGER than ANYONE, including myself, thought we would. We produced three AMAZING kids and a lifetime of happy memories. I can't pinpoint an exact moment that everything fell apart. A little bit was chipped away every time something happened until it came to a point where there was no rebuilding it. We tried we really did.

I really dont expect people to understand. I am not even asking them to approve. But if they want to continue to be part of my life and my kids' lives they're going to have to accept it.

As for my faith, which has been questioned AGAIN but this time by people who have very little faith of their own, I still have it. If I've learned anything by my past experiences with church, prayer and God is that Romans 3:23 is true. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Especially me. ESPECIALLY me. And I'm not picking which of His rules I want to follow and which I don't. His word says if we break one, we break them all. So show me a person who is worse or better than me? "We are all in the same hospital." ~~Pastor Chris Hodges.

But God sets the example I'm trying to set for my kids and that is about UNCONDITIONAL love. I may have screwed up in the eyes of many, including God. But I KNOW He still loves me and wants to prosper me, wants the best for me...just like a loving Father SHOULD. Just like I do for my kids. My failures are NOT a reflection on Him or anyone else but a testimony to His grace.

And don't think just because I'm trying to focus on the positive things that I think this is going to be a fun, easy adventure. I've been VERY emotional these past few days and really really wanted my mommy to just put her arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I digress. I had to do it myself. And maybe that's a good thing.

Jeff and I have already had our first REALLY BIG fight over money, child support, etc. and it got ugly. But we talked it through--more so than we ever did about anything in our marriage and I think it's because we are just both focused on being really good parents now instead of worrying about relationship issues. And we got over it and came to an agreement. I'm sure there will be many repeats and I hope we can get through them all the same. If we can, we'll be fine.

The point I want to make is that I'm not an idiot. I know things are not going to be easy. But again, I have a choice. I can try and take things and make my life and my kids' lives better or I can wallow in it, take a bunch of pills and just let life fall down around me. I choose the former. And if that offends anyone, all I can say is take me as I am or watch me as I go. I'm done worrying about it, whether you think I ever did or not.

Be blessed!

Moving on...

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are nothing compared to what lies within us." ~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

To say that we are all moving on with our lives is an understatement. Sometimes it feels like everything is at a standstill...can't do this until I get moved, can't get moved until this happens, can't make this happen until that happens...etc etc etc!

But in the grand scheme of things, I know it's moving faster that most people would like and faster than it actually does for most people. That's okay with me. It really is.

Jeff met with and hired a lawyer today. I was shocked that he took care of it so fast--I'd asked him about it last week and he just couldn't seem to make himself think about it. Maybe he's realizing that this is really it this time. Of course, I'm kinda perterbed that I didn't get invited to the meeting! The lawyer is going to represent both of us since we have agreed on everything and the divorce is uncontested. Believe me, I will read everything carefully before I sign! Maybe he did it to get a rise or reaction out of me...as if to make me think about it one more time. I think about it constantly but I never change my mind.

Yes, I am sad that I just couldn't make myself feel what I dont feel. If I let myself go there, I do feel like a failure. If I were a stronger person...if I weren't so self-centered..etc etc etc again!

It hurts to know that I caused someone else hurt and it hurts to watch my kids trying to grasp what's happening.

But at the same time....

I am SO EXCITED!!! I know it isn't gonna be easy--not any part of it. But the possibilities and things I have to look forward to are overwhelmingly positive. And I will share more about that very soon!

Be blessed!

Our lives can change with every breath we take...~~Natalie Portman, Where the Heart Is

No truer words exist for me right now. Three weeks ago, I thought I was a happily married woman, trying to devote myself to my family, friends and hobbies.

Now I'm pinching pennies (not that I wasn't doing that before but even more so now!), opening my own bank account, renting u-haul trucks and shopping for divorce lawyers.

Yes, it is official and I'm afraid there will be no change of heart or reconciliation this time. We tried, we really did. And I love Jeff, always have always will. It just became a different kind of love. He's a great guy, a good father and I can't say anything bad about him. But I don't love him like a wife should and I can't pretend to anymore. I could be content if I had to be but why? Why steal the best years of both our lives when I feel the way I do? Because I stood before God and made a promise? I was 19!!!!! What the hell did I know about "till death do you part"?

My ONLY concern right now if for my kids but I know what amazing kids I have been blessed with and I know that they are going to be okay. Jeff and I are working very hard to make sure of that. God love him, he has every reason in the world to hate me and want to turn them against me but he's a big enough man to realize that will only hurt them. I really do hope he finds happiness again someday.

Dylan is staying here in the house with Jeff until he heads off to Bama in the Fall. The girls and I are moving in with Shari temporarily. Until I find a full-time job, that's the only way I can support us on my salary. We've already worked out all the child support/visitation issues. And there aren't any assets to fight over so...

But there are a lot of hurt feelings. Jeff's family is SUPER PISSED at me. I understand, that's their baby. And I never cared much for most of them anyway. As long as they don't bother my kids, we'll all get along just fine from a distance.

My family isn't very happy either. They think Jeff hung the moon. And he did. But hanging the moon isn't enough reason to stay married to someone you don't love. But I do understand he's been a part of our family for more than 21 years. It's gonna take time, I guess.

Except for worries about the kids and the occasional ugliness that rears its head from someone whose business it is NOT, I'm actually happier than I have been in a while. I'm excited about being on my own for the FIRST time in my life. I'm finding that I actually LIKE being alone and not having to run my every thought or wish by someone else. If I want to leave the tv on all night, it's cool. No one cares what time I come to bed or how long I stay on the computer. It's like a kid being in Disneyland or something! I also don't have to cook meat with every meal. We've had so much pasta this week we may overload on carbs! That's nice.

I'm not naive enough to believe there won't be some rough days up ahead. I'm sure there will be times when I will feel loneliness even if I'm not alone. The weight of my decision somedays will bear down on me and I will have to find a way to cope. I'll have to learn to get used to someone new...and they have to get used to me. But I have to believe than anything worth having is worth taking a risk for. As long as I always have God's grace and my kids, I'll be fine.

Like I said on facebook earlier, "it would be AWESOME to have the love and support of my family and friends but I'm not asking for nor do I need your approval. I will be judged by someone who is without sin, thank you. Take me as I am or watch me as I go."

Either way, I'll survive.