a letter to someone who has hurt you recently...
I have actually been putting this one off because I knew I was going to have to deal with some things that I didn't want to deal with yet. But it's time so here goes:
Dear Self:
Yes, Self, YOU are the one that hurt me recently! By your selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless and cruel actions, you hurt me, my husband, my kids and a few others probably. When are you going to learn that everything is not about YOU? So you turned 40 big deal. You act like it doesn't bother you but if it didn't why are you going beserk all of a sudden? It must be affecting you on some level. It's good that you try and suck it up most of the time but when you are bothered, maybe you could channel it in a different way next time--write it down in your journal or something!
So your little boy is growing up? What did you expect--that he would need you forever? And if he did, what does that say about the kind of job YOU did as a mother? Self, get a grip! Yes, it's sad and I know it hurts to not know who or what you are anymore. I know it's weird feeling like a part of your life is over and that you'd better quickly find something else to be before you "get too old" but again, suck it up! You still have two beautiful daughters that aren't grown yet and need you!
You still have a precious, amazing husband that for whatever god foresaken reason LOVES you dearly. He's been waiting so patiently for you to spend time with him now that the kids are older and you act like it's not enough for you. Self, you're nuts! Don't you see that there are lots of women out there that envy what you have? Hell, he still looks amazing and loves you almost to the point of worship...why would you want to throw that all away?
You also destroyed a perfectly good friendship, hindered other friendships because of their loyalty to you and came very close to destroying two marriages. And for what? Just because YOU needed to feel wanted or desired or something by someone you really didn't know well at all! Nothing will ever be the same again, no matter what. That's a loss and I know you're grieving it. Well, too bad. You should have thought about that instead of thinking about yourself. You should have put the energy you put into that mess into something more constructive.
Oh well, Self, I hope you are thankful for God's intervention because that's the only thing that kept you from making it worse. I hope, Self, that you are learning from this near-tragic mistake and will take advantage of the second chance you've been given. You seem to be. Take advantage of the wonderful gift of forgiveness and grace that you've received but don't take it for granted. If you would just realize what an amazing person you are, Self, then you wouldn't need everyone else to acknowledge it for you. Find your joy in the Lord like you used to. Looking for it anyplace else is only going to lead you to heartache--you know this. He has blessed you immeasurably in so many ways! Be thankful!
Self, you are a smart woman. So stop doing stupid things!
Love you anyway,
Michelle
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