I'm a C-word!

And the C word is "cancer patient".

Yes, I have cancer. Malignant Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma to be exact which is a rare form of cancer of the secretory glands, usually starting in the salivary glands which is where mine was. I'll start from the beginning:

I first noticed a lump under my ear January 2014 and saw a doctor. She said it was just swollen lymph node that sometimes they take awhile to go back down after you've been sick. I told her I hadn't been sick but she kinda blew it off and so I figured I was probably becoming a hypochondriac in my old age and so I didn't think anymore of it. 

But about six months later, it was still there and was starting to get bigger and hurt a little. Not all the time but sometimes. So I saw another doctor. Again, he said it was probably nothing and the fact that it hurt was actually a GOOD sign but he gave me some antibiotics. He did want to do an ultrasound but he didn't have an ultrasound machine (go figure) and sent me to another facility and because of that, the insurance I had at the time (because I was working a temp position) wanted a separate $200 copay! I just took the antibiotics. 

But several months later after I got a different job and better insurance, I started seeing Dr. Miller. She agreed that it was probably nothing but to put my mind at ease, she did an ultrasound in her office. Then she sent me to an ENT, Dr. Jebeles and he had it biopsied and did a CT scan. The biopsy results came back benign but he still recommended having it taken out because it would only get bigger and could ultimately disrupt facial nerves. So I saw a surgeon that specializes in otorlaryngology and had the surgery Thursday. 

While I was still in surgery, he found additional inflammation and sent all the tissue off to the lab for preliminary analysis and the lab people said it looked malignant to them. So he took some extra time and took out the lymph node and some additional surrounding tissue. He's pretty sure he got it all but I may still have to do radiation once the final pathology report comes back. 

I was initially upset. Shocked, I guess. But I'm fine. My neck is stiff from not being able to turn to the left much and there is still numbness. As the feeling returns little by little, the incision is itchy and stings a little. I have a little trouble swallowing and don't have much of a voice right now so please, if you need to contact me, text. I know I never much liked talking on the phone anyway but now I seriously can't, especially if you're hard of hearing because I just can't yell! lol

And it's not pretty!

Too bad it's not Halloween! The bandaid at the bottom is covering a hole where the drainage tube was. I was so glad to get that out! I'm told the other stitches will fall out on their own and once they do, the appearance won't be so jagged. Also my luscious locks will cover most of it as will makeup. Also the swelling will go down once the nerve heals and I regain the feeling. 

But as I was lying awake in the wee hours this morning, I thought about how incredibly blessed I am. I would've thought I'd be scared, angry or upset but I honestly don't feel any of those things. I'm surprisingly peaceful and the only explanation I have is that I know the One that died for me is in complete control and I am absolutely fine with whatever happens because regardless, I win!

If I'm healed on earth then I get to continue this crazy-amazing life of serving God by loving His people, spending time with my wonderful family and friends, learning new things and having new experiences. If my healing comes through heaven, then I get to see my Maw Maw again, friends that have gone on already and will get to meet Jesus face to face! I'm not just saying this because it's "the right" thing to say or because I want others to feel sorry for me, think I'm some brave person or even to comfort others. This is really my heart! I am a woman who has not lived anywhere close to a perfect life but has been blessed in countless ways that I just can't feel anything but pure joy! I just wanted to show how good God is! And to say listen to your body! Don't let doctors blow you off when you know something isn't right.  I thank everyone for your prayers and concern! I'm truly touched.

I know things are going to be different from now on. I'm going to have to accept that. But they don't have to be different in a bad way. For one thing, I'm not going to tolerate any negativity.  I'm so blessed that I plan to focus completely on those blessings--my children and family, the friends that have proven to be REAL friends that are concerned about something other than themselves all the time. I have a great church, a great job and a zest for life, learning and new experiences. My health has to stop taking a backseat to everything else and it's no longer about losing weight and trying to have a hot body. I just want a healthy body.  I'm going to keep serving the Lord by serving His people for as long as I have breath in my body. My goals may have to change from things like healing my knees so I can maybe one day attempt to get a zumba certificaiton or run a half marathon to things like, making sure I'm healthy enough to take care of grandbabies and still here to do so in the FAR FAR future! lol 

The focus will shift from achievement to legacy. I want people to know how much they mean to me--how much they've ALWAYS meant to me.  I want to be known for my heart, all the depths of it and nothing else. If I've ever wronged you, or even if I really haven't but you feel like I have, then I truly am sorry. If you've ever wronged me, or even if you didn't but I felt like you did, you're forgiven. 

I am ready for the journey!

My blog is appropriately titled!

Yes, I know. It's been awhile since I've made time to blog. Life has been super crazy busy--full of the good and bad, ups and downs that make it interesting. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I started a new job and it has been difficult for a number of reasons. It's a great company and I like my boss and coworkers. But the business we're in frustrates me. It's not like a normal business where you perform a service and get paid and everyone is happy. It's government regulated and on top of that the clients can be difficult. And as soon as I think I have it figured out, things change. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's definitely challenging and never boring. I have great benefits, finally make a decent salary and for the most part I'm happy. There are days when I wish I was back teaching preschoolers, doing crafts, fixing snacks and making bulletin boards. It all seems like a lifetime ago. And then I remind myself that that profession came with its own challenges as I imagine every job does. So I digress. I'm content for now, thankful to be employed.

Kayti has been in the hospital twice. She's okay and I'm not going to disclose what was wrong out of respect for her privacy but it's an ongoing issue and probably will be for quite sometime. There have been an array of other things involving her that we have had to deal with. She is back home living with me, looking for a job and planning to go to Jeff State in the Fall and become an EMT. On a happy note, she is going to church again and has renewed faith in God. We are praying continually for God's hand over her life. She's been coming to small group with me on Tuesday night (and btw, I have finished and delivered 3 prayer shawls, have 1 more to be delivered and am halfway through another. I also completed my first afghan!) and we also joined a hiking small group on Sunday afternoons. Most days it seems she's trying.

Brooke made colorguard again for her upcoming Senior year and we are very excited! Looking forward to another great football season with our Cougars. She also had the female lead in the Spring Musical. She was Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors and she blew everyone away! To see her walking in those 5 inch stilletto heels and speaking with the Brooklyn accent--it was great! And she has an amazing singing voice! It was an emotional night as their beloved theater professor, Mr. Mac retired. I know he will be dearly missed.  She also is starting a new job soon at the Cracker Barrel and I finally bought another car so she can drive the Mustang. But I made it clear it is still very much my car whenever I need some top-down therapy!

The car I bought is an SUV. It's not brand new but a decent vehicle and had everything I wanted--a sunroof, towing package and it's crimson! I can't wait for tailgating! I named it Steve to go with my mustang, Miranda! Steve and Miranda. If you have never watched Sex and the City you won't get it. One day I will have a camaro named Carrie and an RV named Big. :)

My parents finally moved out of Tarrant City and into a rental home in Clay right next door to Mia.  I think they had mixed feelings about leaving Tarrant behind as we all did but they seem to be settling in.

I finished another semester of graduate school and made two A's and B. I'm more proud of the B than the A's because the B was in Cost Accounting! I now have 5 classes left before I am an MBA (Master's of Business Administration). And yes, it's a BIG deal! I'm excited to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dylan is out of school for the summer but has a new job in Hueytown so he is staying in Tuscaloosa. He has one more semester at Alabama and he will be a Bama grad! I am so proud of him but I miss him so much. I know I may as well get used to it. My little boy is all grown up and gone on his own. I know I should be proud that I did my job well in raising such a wonderful young man but there will always be a part of me that longs to rock my babies again. I think he will probably end up moving to Huntsville for a job when he graduates. We'll see.

I'm contemplating buying a house again within the next year. I have fought it for so long because home ownership did not have any advantages for me before. Plus I just don't know where I want to be and hate the thought of being tied down to a piece of property. I have thought of moving to the beach many times. Or living on Southside. Or moving to a small town a little further north. But rent just keeps getting so expensive. And I like the thought of buying a lot of property so I can take care of my parents. I definitely like the thought of getting out of Jefferson County. But we'll see.

I continue to have issues with my knees which makes weight loss increasingly difficult. I saw the knee doctor again a few months ago but as usual, he just wants to cut cut cut. And I'd be willing if I knew that would fix things. But the problem, he says, is a collapsed MCL (ligament). He says there's nothing that can really be done except knee replacement. But in my research on knee replacement, the new knee depends on the ligaments around it for success. Well, that's the part that's messed up! What good is a new knee if the surrounding tissue is what's bad? Why can't they just fix that? He has not been able to explain it to my satisfaction. I'm getting a second opinion soon. I just can't accept that Noah Galloway can run marathons and compete in dance with one leg and they can't fix my stupid knee! I did get a brace  that helps me continue to power walk and ride the old lady bike at the gym. But I miss zumba! I REALLY miss zumba!

Before I can think about a second opinion on the knee, I have to have neck surgery! This bump on the side of my neck that I've complained to THREE doctors about who all told me it was "just a swollen lymph node" is actually a tumor! That's right, a tumor! The biopsy showed it's most likely benign but it still needs to come out and sooner rather than later because the bigger it gets--and it will get bigger, the specialist said--the greater the risk of nerve damage to my face when they do remove it.  So I go under the knife next week. It should be a relatively short recovery. I just hope it's not a big scar.

With all that's been going on in my life, my circle of friends has changed somewhat. I saw it coming. I still love them all dearly but I just had nothing left to give and it seem to be continually demanding. I went through a period when *I* needed someone to be there for me and apparently they had nothing left to give me either. No calls asking about my medical results or my daughter's well-being.  Jealousy for when I spend time with other people and assuming things without asking. I'll never know exactly what happened because I never got the courtesy of being asked. But like I said, I'm not really all that surprised. I'm a little hurt but not mad. I could never hate and I wish them all well. I truly do. Maybe our paths will cross again one day. Maybe not. I'm content to leave it in God's hands.

I've been feeling disconnected from many things lately and feel it's time to refocus and reprioritize. I've tried to give up Facebook before and it's difficult when so many things are connected to it now--small groups, contacts, etc. But it does suck your time. And I'm so weary of the drama. You say just about anything at all and people take it personally if they disagree, whether it's religion, politics (which I hate) or even sharing your own personal experiences--people take it as a personal attack on THEM. It's ludicrous. And I'm so sick of how brave but nasty people can be to each other when sitting behind a computer screen. I am just about ready to move on. I've never had anything to hide but it gets old when everyone thinks they know you just because they are your friend on facebook. Just silliness.  We'll see how that goes, too.

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge--Day 5 My dreams

Yes, I got behind--life happened! I'll carry on now...

Dear dreams that I have at night,

I believe that you have meaning. Years ago when I dreamed about someone, something would happen to them in real life. It wasn't always bad things but something significant. In recent years, I keep dreaming about one person in particular. Not every night but at least once a week. I do not know what this means. I don't keep in touch with him so I don't know what's going on with him. I dated him only briefly. We parted on good terms. As far as I know he is happily married now. He was never for me and I knew that. I am not in love with him in any way, shape or form nor was I ever. So dreams, stop it. Because there isn't anything I can do (and don't really want to). So start making sense or move on!

Dear dreams that I have in my heart,

I'm sorry I'm not nurturing you. Well, some of you I am. I am working on my MBA. And that dream is pretty much kicking the rest of you guys' rear end! There just are not enough hours in the day! But I want the rest of you to know that I am holding on to you hard! One day, God willing, I will:

1) publish a novel
2) publish a non-fiction book
3) lose this weight and be in better overall heatlh
4) live near the beach or water
5) travel a lot--one big trip a year, several small ones a year
6) go on a mission trip, maybe even once a year
7) be better off financially
8) play with my grandchildren (this one better be way way WAY in the future!)
9) finish a half-marathon
10) get my zumba certification
11) hike at least part of the Appalachian trail
12) drive at least part of Route 66

And to the one dream that I have put on hold for now--God will know when it's time for me to meet someone new for romantic reasons. And if God thinks that will never be a good idea for me ever again, I'm fine with that. I am. I know what I bring to the table--I'm okay eating alone! :)

Love,

Chel

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 4--my siblings

Dear Melanie, Mia, Misti and Wayne,

I hope you all know that I feel blessed to share blood with you. I am so proud of each of you.. Melanie, Mia and Misti you are all fabulous mothers! Wayne, I'm sure you will be a great dad.

Mel and Mia, I can't think of too many childhood memories that you were not a part of and I treasure each one. Mel, I played with you and grew up with you. Mia, you were my "first baby", the one I got to practice on. Misti and Wayne, I hate that we did not get to be raised together but I know and hope that you know as well that that was not our fault. I wish we lived closer and could spend time together now. I need to make a better effort at spending time with all of you!

But I do want you all to know that I love each one of you dearly!

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 3--my parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I probably don't tell you enough, in fact I'm sure I don't. But I love you both SO much! I could not ask for better parents. You both always put us first and it always costed you so much. Not just in money but in emotions and mental stability. I know that now more than ever as my own kids have been born and grown up.

I know at times you were disappointed in me and that hurt my heart. But I always knew that you loved me. You are not religious people but through your unconditional love, I came to know and understand the love the our Heavenly Father has for His children because the way you raised us and continue to love us is a shining example of how He always loves us no matter what. Sometimes we face consequences for the decisions and choices we make but nothing can take away the love.

Thank you for giving us great memories and happy childhoods. Things weren't always perfect. We didn't always have the best of everything. But you made experiences and memories your priority over houses, cars, clothes and toys and that is something I will always treasure and tried to replicate with my own kids.

Thank you for being amazing grandparents. I'm so glad the bigs and the littles have such a close relationship with you. I remember when Dylan got his first cell phone at the age of 14 and the first person he called with it was you, Mom! I love how their eyes all light up whenever we mention "Deb" or "Pop".

Thank you for instilling in me determination. Determination to be a good parent even when I've messed up. Determination to finish college. Determination to turn my life around after I made a mess of it. Determination to have a strong faith and to always finish what I start.

Thank you for raising me to keep an open mind and always see the other side of things like politics. It used to bother me that I never feel strongly conservative or liberal (who came up with those labels anyway?) but to use common sense and to put myself in other peoples' shoes.

Thank you, Mom for giving me a strong sense of what a true feminist is--someone who wants the best for BOTH men and women and for helping me to see that other women are not my competition nor am I theirs.

Thank you, Dad for showing me that regardless of how old a person gets, he/she can change their mind and learn to love someone very different.

Thank you both for knowing that love is color blind and for rarely judging anyone at all but when we do, we judge not by a person's appearance but by their character.

Thank you for opening your home to so many and for making me want to do the same. And for giving me the courage to do it when the opportunity arises, even when everyone else thinks its asinine.

In short, thank you for being the center of our entire family. Thank you for being you and for being my mom and dad!

Love,

Chel

30 Day Letter Writing Challenge Day 2--My Crush

Dear crushes...

Hmmm, this is difficult because I don't really have a crush that isn't a celebrity. Maybe just one but I don't know that I would call him a crush. I'm just more of an interested party. I've always thought he was cute but I don't think we really have anything much in common. He expressed an interest at a time when I wasn't ready to date and then when I was open to the idea I think he'd lost interest. I see him making a lot of facebook posts about not liking being alone but he never makes contact with me anymore. Perhaps I've put on a bit too much weight. I wouldn't be attracted to me right now either! I'm trying. And that's another letter for another day. But I guess those that say timing is everything are right. Timing in my life isn't always perfect.

Now, I'm back to being completely happy with my life the way it is and for some reason, that tends to make people uncomfortable or even angry. I get told things like, "Oh you'll find someone", "you'll regret being alone one day" or "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person". I may concede the last one but here's the thing: I'm determined NOT to be one of those needy women that HAS to have a man. And in becoming so determined I've actually discovered a truth about myself. I'm completely fine without one. If I don't make my bed, there's no one to complain. If I want cereal for dinner I don't have to worry about whether my husband eats. I don't have to share the remote, the covers or my ice cream! And I don't have time to worry about spending much with anyone else. I just started a new job, I'm trying to get my weight under control (yes, I should probably not have ice cream!), I'm in graduate school for an MBA, my teenage daughter takes a lot of my time and I'm very involved in my church. I also like to make time for hobbies--crochet, reading, painting, spending time with friends and trying new things. I don't have to be accountable with my finances to anyone but God. I love my single life.

Don't get me wrong--I love men. There has been a time or two that I loved a man deeply and at other times, I have loved LOTS of men. And neither situation was good for me.

Since my divorce I have learned more about marriage than I ever did when I was actually married and I have a deeper reverence for it. If I ever do it again, I want to make sure I have the things inside myself that are required to be a good help mate to my husband. Until that time comes, I don't really want to hear about marriage. If you are married, I'm happy for you. Go forth and prosper. But don't try to tell me or other singles that we need to be married. Don't try and make us feel like we are less that a complete person because we feel content and fulfilled as singles.

I do feel that certain churches in their attempts to preserve and support the family have gone so far as to neglect their single members. This is a tragedy. In fact, the Bible even says in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8 that it is better to remain single. Some are given a great gift of marriage but others are given an even greater gift of being single. Paul did not have to worry about the added stresses of marriage and as such, he was an incredible messenger for God, devoting his life to spreading the gospel.

So stop trying to hook me up. I've given God complete control. If He decides to bring another into my life for the purposes of another marriage, then He can flat out deliver the man to my doorstep! And before you tell me to do "my part" let me tell you, my part is to prepare myself by focusing on Him. By dancing with the Lord, He may let the perfect man cut in. But if He chooses to finish the dance Himself, what could be better?

Sincerely,

Daughter of the One True King

30 Day Letter Challenge Day 1--my best friend

Prologue

I realize it's been over a month since I last blogged. I've been even more busy than usual. For one, I have an amazing new job that I think I'm going to love. I've been trying to stay focused on learning the terminology as well as the procedures and getting to know my co-workers. Two, graduate school is really kicking my butt! I'm taking three classes one of which is Cost Accounting, another is Corporate Governance that I don't understand at all, and the last is a very demanding class on Special Topics in business. I'm doing my best just to keep my head above water! And most importantly, I'm dealing with major issues involving one of my children. That's all I'm going to say for now. Close friends know what's going on and so does God so if you are a praying person, please pray that the Lord will answer our prayers quickly!

So I'm going to try this 30 day letter writing challenge to try and get myself back on track with my writing/blogging. Hope you enjoy!

Day 1--Your best friend.

Dear Jesus,

Throughout my life I have been blessed with many friends and even "best friends" from time to time. My closest friends usually change with my environment but there are also those lifelong friends that even though I may not see all the time are still special because we've been bonded together by amazing experiences of childhood, teenage years or something else extraordinary. I love them all dearly and as I get older I understand that not all people we love are meant to stay in our lives in the same way they once where. People change. We all grow, we move on and that's okay. I'm content to take people as they are, to do what I can for them when I can and to accept whatever love they have to give at the time.

I used to long for that one special best friend that I would talk with daily, spend time doing fun things, share my deepest secrets, and be in my life throughout its entirety. In the flesh, it's always been a different person. Sometimes my mom. Sometimes my husband. Sometimes my cousin. Sometimes a co-worker. Sometimes a schoolmate. Sometimes another. But no one has been that constant confidant, that "lifelong best friend" because like I said before, circumstances and people change. Only You have been my best friend throughout my entire life. And it's only been lately that I realize I couldn't have ever had a better one.

You always love me unconditionally. You are never surprised by the bone-headed things I do. You are always there. You are not only my Savior but also my comforter, my strength, my peace, my wisdom (when I choose to listen), my laughter, the One I can trust with anything.  You care more about me than I care about myself. You love what I love more than I do. You know what I feel because You experienced everything I have experienced. You never doubt me. You always want the best for me. Nothing surprises You. You are not repulsed by anything I've done but You are also not afraid to discipline me so that I will learn. You are patient. You are kind. You are forgiving.  You are love.

Thank you, Jesus for being my best friend! I love you!