Since my incarceration I have been in therapy, support groups and Bible studies as well as reading a lot of different things and soul searching to help myself deal with the root of what landed me there landed there in the first place.
I postponed dealing with my divorce for so long...I didn't mean to. It's just the way things happened. The last few years of my marriage were a struggle. And if I'm being completely honest, the entire marriage was a struggle in a lot of ways. It's not that we didn't love each other. It's not that either of us was a bad person. Of course we were flawed in many ways and incompatible in many ways. But we had a lot in common also and I think I can honestly say that we both really worked at our marriage for a long time.Trying to understand what went wrong is mind boggling. I think it can best be summed up as a series of unfortunate events. We got married too young. We didn't have Christ at the center of our marriage. I didn't understand that love is often a choice and not a feeling. He didn't understand my needs. I didn't pay enough attention to my body and mind to know that something chemically was not right with my thought process. My need for control outweighed my need to make sure my husband, the one I cared most about, the one who was supposed to be the most important person in my life, felt loved, secure, appreciated. Somewhere deep down inside, for whatever reasons I still don't quite understand, I was hurting terribly and instead of trying to figure out why and deal with my own pain, I just turned it back onto him. I emasculated him and expected him to keep taking it. And he did. And that made me lose respect for him. And that was totally unfair of me. But there was always more and more and more...I didn't know what to do. I think back on what I was thinking at that time and all I can remember feeling was that there had to be more. I guess I felt like the grass was greener somewhere else even though many a wise counsel told me the truth of the matter and that is that the grass is greener where you water it.I just wanted to escape it and I did but in such a horrific way that I only wound up hurting others terribly and myself in the worst way possible. And when that plan failed, I continued to just avoid dealing with my problems. I turned my attention to just having fun. And I did.I learned a lot during that time. But I still didn't learn the most important things. Or maybe I did but they just didn't sink in. I don't know that they ever will. But I do have to let myself FEEL the pain of my loss. As terrible as it is. As much as I want to avoid it, control it, turn it back on someone else, I just have to feel what I feel and find a way to move past it. A lot of people say that "time heals all wounds". That's crap. Time COVERS all wounds. The only thing that can HEAL wounds is Jesus Christ. But I have to let Him. And I will. And He will.In the meantime, I have to completely let go of what's past and focus on what's ahead. That is difficult because I DON'T KNOW what's ahead. It's scary. But I have to choose to look at it as a positive thing.I have been reading I Declare, by Joel Osteen and it's all about learning to speak words of power over your life. I used to thing that I was a horrible person for the thoughts that I had. I now know that thoughts aren't really bad or good. They are just thoughts. But when you SPEAK your thoughts and they become words and are out into the air, floating around, they take on a power of their own. It may be a weird concept to some but I do believe this. I see it all the time with others and have finally come to see it in myself. Whatever we speak becomes what rules us.So I'm trying to develop the habit of speaking words of power into existence and over my life and the lives of my children. Going forward, I declare that I have God's favor and blessing in my life and that the past, while full of many wonderful memories as well as some mistakes and bad things, is just the past. And it's not near as great as my future will be.Here are just a few nuggets of truth and wisdom that I have heard and am trying to remember. Many are from Joel Osteen, some are from author, Mandy Hale, others from Bishop T.D. Jakes and still others unknown. But I hope you enjoy them as much as I have:I DECLARE there is an anointing of ease on my life. Good is going before me making crooked places straight. His yoke is easy and His burden light. I will not continually struggle. What used to be difficult will not be difficult anymore. God's favor and blessing on my life is lightening the load and taking the pressure off. This is my declaration.I believe and declare the rest of my life will be the best of my life! I receive it TODAY!!!!
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I Declare
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Sunday Morning thoughts
I'm sitting here in bed watching a little TV and trying to muster up the energy and motivation to get up and start doing all the things I need to be doing when all I really want to do is sleep!
I slept a LOT yesterday. I had intended to go to Tuscaloosa and see Dylan but it was so rainy and my knees are hurting a lot lately, even more when it rains (I never believed that until it started happening to me!), I am cramping badly (even though I'm NOT currently having my cycle) and I had a terrible headache. On top of that, I paid almost $300 to fix my car window so I decided to stay home.
I am really tired and overwhelmed and feeling useless, inadequate as a mom, woman, employee, student...I can't focus on what I need to do or even what I WANT to do except sleep or lie around. And I can't keep getting away with that much longer. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning. I feel like a zombie most of the time.
I saw my therapist again Tuesday morning and she thinks that I may have ADD and Bipolar disorder! The ADD I can buy. But bipolar? No, I'll never accept that. From everything I've read about bipolar disorder and from everyone I know who has it, I'm NOT bipolar. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, I get extremely angry sometimes and extremely depressed sometimes. But I'm hardly ever manic. And my moods don't vary often enough. I don't go from one extreme to the next in the span that most people with bipolar do. And I don't want the stigma attached to being someone with bipolar disorder. No, I will not have it.
But I long ago accepted that there is something chemically wrong with me that requires medication. I don't just get "sad about stuff". My body physically aches..to the point that I want to lie in bed all the time. Various medicines have worked in the past. But they all lose their effectiveness over time and my current medication of lexapro is NOT working. It makes me extremely tired (hello?) but if I don't take it, I am afraid of going back to the level of anger that landed me in jail a few months ago. It also doesn't keep me from crying. I cry all the time and mostly for no reason or for reasons that I supposedly dealt with a long time ago. It's absurd to me. And yet, I have to continue on this path until I see the actual doctor that can change that medicine October 17! Yes, another month to go. Meanwhile, I'm muddling through my life and missing a lot.
I have a lot to do to catch up for school today. My marketing grade sucks but it's not failing, at least. I can't focus on it and what used to be a reasonably simple subject is extremely confusing to me. But I have no choice but to stick it out and do the best I can.
So I guess I should stop complaining and get to it before I am too tired again to do anything but lie here!
I slept a LOT yesterday. I had intended to go to Tuscaloosa and see Dylan but it was so rainy and my knees are hurting a lot lately, even more when it rains (I never believed that until it started happening to me!), I am cramping badly (even though I'm NOT currently having my cycle) and I had a terrible headache. On top of that, I paid almost $300 to fix my car window so I decided to stay home.
I am really tired and overwhelmed and feeling useless, inadequate as a mom, woman, employee, student...I can't focus on what I need to do or even what I WANT to do except sleep or lie around. And I can't keep getting away with that much longer. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning. I feel like a zombie most of the time.
I saw my therapist again Tuesday morning and she thinks that I may have ADD and Bipolar disorder! The ADD I can buy. But bipolar? No, I'll never accept that. From everything I've read about bipolar disorder and from everyone I know who has it, I'm NOT bipolar. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, I get extremely angry sometimes and extremely depressed sometimes. But I'm hardly ever manic. And my moods don't vary often enough. I don't go from one extreme to the next in the span that most people with bipolar do. And I don't want the stigma attached to being someone with bipolar disorder. No, I will not have it.
But I long ago accepted that there is something chemically wrong with me that requires medication. I don't just get "sad about stuff". My body physically aches..to the point that I want to lie in bed all the time. Various medicines have worked in the past. But they all lose their effectiveness over time and my current medication of lexapro is NOT working. It makes me extremely tired (hello?) but if I don't take it, I am afraid of going back to the level of anger that landed me in jail a few months ago. It also doesn't keep me from crying. I cry all the time and mostly for no reason or for reasons that I supposedly dealt with a long time ago. It's absurd to me. And yet, I have to continue on this path until I see the actual doctor that can change that medicine October 17! Yes, another month to go. Meanwhile, I'm muddling through my life and missing a lot.
I have a lot to do to catch up for school today. My marketing grade sucks but it's not failing, at least. I can't focus on it and what used to be a reasonably simple subject is extremely confusing to me. But I have no choice but to stick it out and do the best I can.
So I guess I should stop complaining and get to it before I am too tired again to do anything but lie here!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Vindication!!
Well, sort of! God is truly amazing and so is my lawyer, Ezra Jordan of the Jordan Law Firm.
The day of my court date to say I was nervous as hell is the understatement of the year. Many friends assured me that everything would be fine and I had prayed and prayed enough for the faith to believe them. But there was a small part of me that was afraid to get my hopes up. Ezra had told me how badly I had pissed the cop off (well, it’s only fair, since he pissed ME off badly as well!) and that worst case scenario he did know of people who were sentenced to up to a year in jail for the same charges! Still, I had the fact that I was 43 years old and had never been in any kind of trouble on my side. I had the fact that I was slightly intoxicated on my side (believe it or not, that was a plus even if also a contributory factor) and that I also had a witness (even if the cop had two that would likely be on his side). So I honestly didn’t know what to think or expect.
And of course the entire morning had to start out terribly! Traffic was horrible and I just knew I’d be late and get a failure to appear charge on top of everything else. Becky, the paralegal had called to let me know that Ezra had divorce court that morning and that if I were called before he got there to just tell them that he was on his way. For whatever reason, that calmed me. I guess it let me know that things weren’t as formal as I was expecting.
Informal, indeed. There was no “call to order”, swearing in or anything like you see on television. And it was VERY crowded, especially given the small size of the courtroom. When I arrived there was nowhere to sit and a few of us were left standing. That is when the bailiff made the announcement that anyone there not appearing personally before the judge was to leave and make room because there was no standing allowed in the courtroom. Hardly anyone moved at first until he informed them that he would call roll and anyone not supposed to be there would soon have a reason to be! Then about half the crowd move outside the courtroom. This made me more nervous because I knew Dede wouldn’t be able to sit next to me and hold my hand and I SO needed her to! But she stayed right outside the door so I could see her and somehow just knowing she was near made me calmer.
Then inmates were brought in and seated in a separate place from everyone else. And the Judge Ross came in and though no one told us to, we all stood as she took her seat on the bench. She was very beautiful and I got a sense from her, even though she never spoke to me or even looked in my direction, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe it was because Ezra had already told me that he knew her well and that she was very fair. I guess I just didn’t accept it until I saw her for myself. But little by little, God gave me small assurances (Dede being there, Judge Ross’ appearance, etc.) that everything would be fine and I started to relax a little.
They had a few bond hearings and the D.A.’s assistant called a few people to find out if they needed a public defender or had retained representation. Then I saw Ezra walk in and wave at me. He spoke briefly with the D.A. and then motioned for me to follow him outside but waited until we got downstairs and away from so many crowds before he told me the news: I was to come back to court February 17 to appear before Judge Ross but the D.A. had agreed to accept 16 hours of community service and then dismiss both charges! I was elated! I expected to have to go to some anger management classes or something, which I was fully prepared to do. But community service? I already do four hours a month of that through Church of the Highlands just to serve the Lord! Easy, peasy! All I have to do in the meantime is keep my job, stay out of trouble and when the court date arrives, be humble! The cop may or may not show up. But if he does, I have to come in humbly and apologetic, not angry like “You da motha fucka that ruined my life!” (Ezra’s words, not mine! But you see why I love him?)
Now I KNOW God is truly in control and that no matter what He DOES want to prosper me, that He has great plans for me! I will NOT take it for granted. I will NOT waste this opportunity to make my life—and the lives of those around me—better than ever! And I’m already well on my way. I’m focusing on my kids, seeing a new therapist, reading a LOT (especially now that classes for graduate school have started) and involved myself in several projects (redecorating my townhouse—on a budget of course, crafting, writing a book, planning trips, and resuming my fitness regimen just to name a few) and I continue to pray and worship every day.
As of this writing, I am 43 days sober and will continue to be until at least my court date of February 17 and will not go on any romantic dates until after the New Year.
I am working on letting go of my anger about so many things. Sometimes I have to make the choice daily to forgive—my ex, the cop and especially myself. But I do know that to her who shows mercy, much mercy is shown. And I have been shown MUCH mercy!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Kisses from Katie
I'm an avid reader. Most of the time. Sometimes I fall into a reading slump and just am not interested. Or maybe I just get lazy. I pick up a book I think looks great and it turns out to be...not so much. Whatever. But most of the time, I love it. If it's fiction, it's a fabulous escape and even still, I manage to learn something if the characters are well-developed. Biographies--I love learning about what shapes others' lives. Spiritual/Christian--it's amazing inspiration. And non-fiction--well, it just depends on the topic. And though I'm definitely no fashionista, I've even engrossed myself in fashion magazines (especially Cosmo) in the last few years.
I always have a "To Read" list, generally inspired by books I've already read (especially from my favorite authors and especially if it's part of a series) or by close friends that are also readers. But my most recent read was recommended by God Himself. I'm not kidding.
I first heard about Kisses from Katie when I was volunteering with the church's Pastoral Care team. Another volunteer and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to depending on God and she shared about a book she'd just read about a young woman that adopted fourteen children from Uganda. Having a heart for missions and orphans and being a mother to a daughter with a heart for Africa, I was immediately interested. But my "To Read" list was (and still is) SO LONG that I sort of forgot about it.
A month later, I was browsing Pinterest and came across it and remembered it had been recommended. And then later that same day, during a discussion with my small group, another member mentioned the book. I knew then, after three times having this book recommended to me--twice in one day--that it was God telling me to read this book. I had no idea at the time why and truthfully, I'm not sure I do now either. But it was well worth the read.
From the back cover:
"What would cause an eighteen-year-old senior class president and home-coming queen from Nashville, Tennessee, to disobey and disappoint her parents by forgoing college, break her little brother's heart, loseall but a handful of her friends (because they think she has gone off the deep end), and break up with the love of her life, all so she could move to Uganda, where she knew only one person and didn't even speak the language?
A passion to follow Jesus.
Katie Davis left over Christmas break of her senior year for a short mission trip to Uganda and her life was turned completely inside out. She found herself so moved by the people of Uganda and the needs she saw that she knew her calling was to return and care for them. Katie, a charismatic and articulate young woman, is in the process of dopting thirteen children in Uganda and has established a ministry, Amazima, that feeds and sends hundreds more to school while teaching them the Word of Jesus Christ.
Kisses from Katie invites readers on a journey of radical love down the red dirt roads of Uganda. You'll laugh and cry with Katie as she follows JEsus into the impossible and finds joy and beauty beneath the dust. Katie and her children delight in saying yes to the people God placesin front of them and challenge readers to do the same, changing the world one person at a time.
Katie Davis is a young woman with a passion to serve Jesus. Now twenty-two, Katie lives in Uganda, where she is in the process of adopting thirteen little girls and is the founder and director of Amazima, a ministry that reahes hundreds of other children in Uganda. Katie is originally from Nashville, Tennessee, where her parents and brother live. This is her first book. You can read her blog at www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com. "
It is an amazing story of a brave young woman (though she would never call herself brave) that answered the call to not only serve the poorest people of one of the poorest countries in the world but to LOVE them. As she described the conditions and challenges the people in that part of the world face, I couldn't imagine leaving my life of comfort and abundance here to provide the not just the basic needs of the people there but the hope and love of not only her and others like her but of the Savior.
Katie describes learning to see others as Jesus sees us. And learning to find joy in the little things while also learning to completely depend on God for EVERYTHING. I was deeply touched at learning how a culture can have so little and live a life so hopeless and yet still love the Lord with all their heart, all the soul, all their mind and all their strength while WE in the land of the lazy and priveleged (even our homeless have it 'better' than these people) often get angry with God when we don't get our way about something so trivial!
It has ALWAYS broken my heart to hear people gripe about "sending money to help other countries" when we have poor, elderly, homeless and sick people here. And while that's true, we also have a lot of opportunity, infrastructure, a stable economy (for the most part), a stable government, political and military climate and social programs to help people in need, not to mention churches and charities. These countries are often unstable, politically and economically. There is no industry to provide jobs. There is little opportunity for education. There are very little resources. There is no infrastructure. There is no clean water or dependable utilities and therefore, the people often have poor hygiene. Disease is rampant. Life is desperate and miserable. Yet their faith often unwavering. Thankful for the smallest things and hopeful that a loving God hears their cries and has not forgotten nor forsaken them. It was a very humbling read. Especially in the midst of my own situation.
I highly recommend this book. But you can't borrow my copy. My precious daughter, Brooke, the one with a heart for Africa, will be reading mine next. It is one of her many dreams to someday adopt from Africa. And I fully support that dream. But I want her to be informed. I'm encouraging her to learn all she can and to get involved now in smaller ways. I have promised her that if she gets involved with Motion (our church's student ministry) and continues to grow her servant's heart, that I will make her dream of a mission trip happen next year. I don't know how, but God does. I truly believe that when God places a call on your heart, you cannot ignore it (nor should you). I do believe He is calling Brooke to do something similar. I don't know that she will move to a third world country to live like Katie did (at least, my selfish mother's heart hopes not!) but I do believe she will be involved in missions and/or adoption one day and I do believe it will be in Africa. Only God knows for sure but I can't wait to see His plan unfold for her.
Nonetheless, I am deeply moved to do even more with what I have. Lord knows I am not rich. I have struggled financially, mostly due to my own lack of self-discipline. But I believe that God can grow money in ways that we can't. I've seen it. And while it's all well and good and definitely nothing wrong with investing and growing one's wealth, I also believe that we should invest in Heaven as well. The best way to do that is to just love people. That is what I am trying to do. It's not always easy. But I believe we have to start where we are with what we have. And I'll share how I got started with my next blog!
Be blessed!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
God is STILL in the miracle business!
Yesterday, August 3 was First Saturday Outreach at Church of the Highlands. I belong to a group that does yard work at Cornerstone school. I usually push a lawnmower and yesterday was no exception. I'm not sure why but I love to do it. Maybe it's because when I'm cutting grass, I can't multi-task. I can only focus my attention on two things: Keeping the mower going in a straight line and talking to God. I pray over the grass that I know will be trampled on happy, playful children. I tell Him what's on my mind and He speaks to me. It's as close to meditation as I can get sometimes.
But I was the ONLY one cutting yesterday as we only had one working mower. I cut half the back field where the old playground was and when my poor knees could take no more pushing through the tall, thick, wet grass; when I was cursing the poor little ants for biting me after I destroyed their home; when I was absolutely certain I had no more fluids in my body to sweat out and no dry spots on my shirt with which to wipe anymore anyway, I handed the mower off to someone else and left.
I was supposed to be going swimming later that afternoon but those plans fell through and it was really fine because I had a headache. You see, until I see my new doctor, I am not taking any medication except my thyroid medication and though I'm mentally and emotionally okay right now, my body is physically withdrawing. So I took a much needed shower and an even greater needed nap.
When I finally got out of bed around 5:30 pm, I started getting ready to fix some dinner and straightening up when I got a call from my ex-husband asking me if I'd talked to Kayti. Puzzled at his question, I simply answered no. I knew she should have been on her way to pick him up from work. She had kept his car that day to go to dance team tryouts (which by the way, she made the team!) That is when he told me she'd been in a car accident. She was okay but very shaken and he was trying to get someone to come pick him up from work and take him to the scene but that I could probably get there faster.
You better believe this mama could get to her baby VERY fast. I think I made it in five minutes. It's a wonder I didn't crash trying to get to her! But I literally prayed the entire way, Lord, please let my baby REALLY be okay. Please get me to her asap!
I first saw the lights flashing from about 800 yards...maybe more. I could taste my guts coming up into my throat. It looked like there had been a five car pile-up. I approached all the emergency vehicles, finding a safe place to park and jumped out of the car screaming, "Where is my baby?"
They quickly got me into the back of the ambulance where she was sitting, blood on her head and sobbing hysterically. She was worried about her dads car, which was totaled. I told her it was fine, that's what insurance is for and I started asking the paramedics about her head. Just scratches they assured me, caused my tiny glass fragments that she'd attempted to wipe away afterward.
Even though this just happened yesterday, much of the next few hours is a blur. I remember trying to answer questions about insurance and explaining that I wasn't sure where the card was because it was my ex-husband's car and we are divorced. I remember praying and thanking God for protecting my baby in what I still thought was a fender bender that everyone was making a big deal over. And then we stepped out of the ambulance and I saw the car.
The officers said in all their years they had never seen anything like it. The car somehow slid UNDER the guardrail, been completely flattened and yet did NOT take her head off! The beams underneath were peeled to the side, like Moses parting the Red Sea and the top railing wasn't raised much at all. The passenger side was completely level with the hood of the car, which was lying on the side of the road, half the motor gone. Had Brooke been with her, she most certainly would have been critically injured. The door was stuck. Good samaritans had stopped and pulled it open and her out. I am telling you, undoubtedly ONLY God could have kept my baby not only from getting killed but not even seriously hurt. Somehow, the ground underneath, gave way to the car, allowing it just enough room to squeeze through, leaving just where she was sitting still intact.
I began to praise Him, thank Him and just rejoice in the enormity of it all. She was shaking her head in disbelief as well and wondered out loud, "How?" and I answered, "God." She broke down and I knew then, that no matter how much she proclaims her atheism, denies, protests and argues, she KNOWS deep in her rebellious heart, He is very real and He loves her enough to have something special for her.
I am a little disappointed that it is going to take her awhile longer to acknowledge this out loud. But I am not worried. I know seeds were planted in that child very young and I am claiming those promises. And God showed me yesterday that He will NEVER give up on her until she is back in His arms again.
But I was the ONLY one cutting yesterday as we only had one working mower. I cut half the back field where the old playground was and when my poor knees could take no more pushing through the tall, thick, wet grass; when I was cursing the poor little ants for biting me after I destroyed their home; when I was absolutely certain I had no more fluids in my body to sweat out and no dry spots on my shirt with which to wipe anymore anyway, I handed the mower off to someone else and left.
I was supposed to be going swimming later that afternoon but those plans fell through and it was really fine because I had a headache. You see, until I see my new doctor, I am not taking any medication except my thyroid medication and though I'm mentally and emotionally okay right now, my body is physically withdrawing. So I took a much needed shower and an even greater needed nap.
When I finally got out of bed around 5:30 pm, I started getting ready to fix some dinner and straightening up when I got a call from my ex-husband asking me if I'd talked to Kayti. Puzzled at his question, I simply answered no. I knew she should have been on her way to pick him up from work. She had kept his car that day to go to dance team tryouts (which by the way, she made the team!) That is when he told me she'd been in a car accident. She was okay but very shaken and he was trying to get someone to come pick him up from work and take him to the scene but that I could probably get there faster.
You better believe this mama could get to her baby VERY fast. I think I made it in five minutes. It's a wonder I didn't crash trying to get to her! But I literally prayed the entire way, Lord, please let my baby REALLY be okay. Please get me to her asap!
I first saw the lights flashing from about 800 yards...maybe more. I could taste my guts coming up into my throat. It looked like there had been a five car pile-up. I approached all the emergency vehicles, finding a safe place to park and jumped out of the car screaming, "Where is my baby?"
They quickly got me into the back of the ambulance where she was sitting, blood on her head and sobbing hysterically. She was worried about her dads car, which was totaled. I told her it was fine, that's what insurance is for and I started asking the paramedics about her head. Just scratches they assured me, caused my tiny glass fragments that she'd attempted to wipe away afterward.
Even though this just happened yesterday, much of the next few hours is a blur. I remember trying to answer questions about insurance and explaining that I wasn't sure where the card was because it was my ex-husband's car and we are divorced. I remember praying and thanking God for protecting my baby in what I still thought was a fender bender that everyone was making a big deal over. And then we stepped out of the ambulance and I saw the car.
The officers said in all their years they had never seen anything like it. The car somehow slid UNDER the guardrail, been completely flattened and yet did NOT take her head off! The beams underneath were peeled to the side, like Moses parting the Red Sea and the top railing wasn't raised much at all. The passenger side was completely level with the hood of the car, which was lying on the side of the road, half the motor gone. Had Brooke been with her, she most certainly would have been critically injured. The door was stuck. Good samaritans had stopped and pulled it open and her out. I am telling you, undoubtedly ONLY God could have kept my baby not only from getting killed but not even seriously hurt. Somehow, the ground underneath, gave way to the car, allowing it just enough room to squeeze through, leaving just where she was sitting still intact.
I began to praise Him, thank Him and just rejoice in the enormity of it all. She was shaking her head in disbelief as well and wondered out loud, "How?" and I answered, "God." She broke down and I knew then, that no matter how much she proclaims her atheism, denies, protests and argues, she KNOWS deep in her rebellious heart, He is very real and He loves her enough to have something special for her.
I am a little disappointed that it is going to take her awhile longer to acknowledge this out loud. But I am not worried. I know seeds were planted in that child very young and I am claiming those promises. And God showed me yesterday that He will NEVER give up on her until she is back in His arms again.
One thing I am NOT....
I am a lot of things, many of them not good. I am flawed, in many ways seemingly hopelessly. I am stubborn, quick to anger or irritate, mouthy, moody, impulsive, explosive and sometimes unforgiving, even though I know I have been forgiven much. I have cheated, threatened, manipulated, been drunk (many times), been promiscuous, cursed (a lot) and even stolen (decades ago, when I was a kid).
But I am NOT and never have been a liar. Even when I tried to lie, I always got caught because I'm terrible at it. I'm not sure why but I think it goes back to when I was a very little girl, my mom said something that stuck with me--people can always tell when you're lying and it's probably the worst thing ever. And of course, the older I got and started to learn more about God, I KNEW He could tell.
As I said before, I know that God doesn't really put sin into categories or levels. People do that. But somewhere in my soul, I always felt like that was the worst thing I could do is lie. If you do get found out, you always look stupid or like the worst thing ever. And if you don't, well, God still knows and so do you. And it's hard to confess a lie once it's told and especially the longer it lingers out there.
So I have kind of just adopted the attitude that I'd rather just be upfront and have people not like me for who and what I honestly AM than to lie about anything. You may not like me. But at least you never have to worry where you stand with me and you never have to question whether or not this is the REAL me.
Being honest has bitten me in the butt more times than I can count. My life would run SO MUCH smoother if I were NOT so honest. I know I don't have to be blatantly honest about many things. That is a choice I make and maybe sometimes not a wise one. But I just can't bring myself to FAKE anything.
If I could lie, maybe I'd still be married. I'd have lied about my husband and maybe I would have found out sooner that the man I became involved with was not a good person and that I was throwing away my family with both hands. At the very least, that first year would have went much differently. I'd be more secure financially and a lot of things wouldn't have happened he way they did. But I couldn't carry on as a liar. To me, it was MUCH worse than being a cheat.
So when I finally bonded out of jail late Monday night, I found out that my employer had been given two completely different stories about my whereabouts that day. My mom, had told them I was sick. Not a lie-- was. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually sick. She just didn't tell them I was not recovering from puking my guts up at home in my comfortable bed. My friends, whom my mom would not communicate with, told my employer that I'd had an emergency (which again, is true) and that I may not be in all week (they weren't sure when they could get me out or even if). I know everyone was trying to rally to my aid and protect me. I don't hold anyone at fault for their loving efforts.
But I decided to be the one good thing I know I am--honest. The first thing Tuesday morning, I told the truth about where I'd been and why. My supervisor was very sweet and sympathetic. Nonetheless, she had no choice but to tell the president/owner. He took a few days to think it over then he talked with me asking me again questions about the entire ordeal. I told him everything that I thought he needed to know and told him that if he had any questions at all, to ask. I assured him that it in no way affected my job other than that I'd missed a day of work. It's a misdemeanor that I will either pay a fine for or get dismissed. I am not looking at anymore jail time at all (thank you, Lord). It happened because I let my emotions take over in my personal life and I have NEVER done that in my professional life, nor will I.
Nonetheless, he, for whatever reason, decided to let me go. I am wounded by the rejection. But otherwise I am fine. It wasn't really a job I particularly liked anyway so I take it as God wants me elsewhere. I have no income whatsoever, no severance like I had before. Nothing. But I am NOT worried. After everything I have been through, I KNOW God is going to take care of me. I REFUSE to let Satan back in, trying to get a stronghold causing me to worry. Daily, I trust God to provide for my needs and the needs of my children. He already has. I will not worry about what bills are due in two weeks. I will just do my part in prayer and applying for jobs. I can't work miracles but God can. And all I need to do is step back and let Him work.
Yes, I am a lot of things. But God is EVERYTHING!
But I am NOT and never have been a liar. Even when I tried to lie, I always got caught because I'm terrible at it. I'm not sure why but I think it goes back to when I was a very little girl, my mom said something that stuck with me--people can always tell when you're lying and it's probably the worst thing ever. And of course, the older I got and started to learn more about God, I KNEW He could tell.
As I said before, I know that God doesn't really put sin into categories or levels. People do that. But somewhere in my soul, I always felt like that was the worst thing I could do is lie. If you do get found out, you always look stupid or like the worst thing ever. And if you don't, well, God still knows and so do you. And it's hard to confess a lie once it's told and especially the longer it lingers out there.
So I have kind of just adopted the attitude that I'd rather just be upfront and have people not like me for who and what I honestly AM than to lie about anything. You may not like me. But at least you never have to worry where you stand with me and you never have to question whether or not this is the REAL me.
Being honest has bitten me in the butt more times than I can count. My life would run SO MUCH smoother if I were NOT so honest. I know I don't have to be blatantly honest about many things. That is a choice I make and maybe sometimes not a wise one. But I just can't bring myself to FAKE anything.
If I could lie, maybe I'd still be married. I'd have lied about my husband and maybe I would have found out sooner that the man I became involved with was not a good person and that I was throwing away my family with both hands. At the very least, that first year would have went much differently. I'd be more secure financially and a lot of things wouldn't have happened he way they did. But I couldn't carry on as a liar. To me, it was MUCH worse than being a cheat.
So when I finally bonded out of jail late Monday night, I found out that my employer had been given two completely different stories about my whereabouts that day. My mom, had told them I was sick. Not a lie-- was. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually sick. She just didn't tell them I was not recovering from puking my guts up at home in my comfortable bed. My friends, whom my mom would not communicate with, told my employer that I'd had an emergency (which again, is true) and that I may not be in all week (they weren't sure when they could get me out or even if). I know everyone was trying to rally to my aid and protect me. I don't hold anyone at fault for their loving efforts.
But I decided to be the one good thing I know I am--honest. The first thing Tuesday morning, I told the truth about where I'd been and why. My supervisor was very sweet and sympathetic. Nonetheless, she had no choice but to tell the president/owner. He took a few days to think it over then he talked with me asking me again questions about the entire ordeal. I told him everything that I thought he needed to know and told him that if he had any questions at all, to ask. I assured him that it in no way affected my job other than that I'd missed a day of work. It's a misdemeanor that I will either pay a fine for or get dismissed. I am not looking at anymore jail time at all (thank you, Lord). It happened because I let my emotions take over in my personal life and I have NEVER done that in my professional life, nor will I.
Nonetheless, he, for whatever reason, decided to let me go. I am wounded by the rejection. But otherwise I am fine. It wasn't really a job I particularly liked anyway so I take it as God wants me elsewhere. I have no income whatsoever, no severance like I had before. Nothing. But I am NOT worried. After everything I have been through, I KNOW God is going to take care of me. I REFUSE to let Satan back in, trying to get a stronghold causing me to worry. Daily, I trust God to provide for my needs and the needs of my children. He already has. I will not worry about what bills are due in two weeks. I will just do my part in prayer and applying for jobs. I can't work miracles but God can. And all I need to do is step back and let Him work.
Yes, I am a lot of things. But God is EVERYTHING!
Jail part 2
I cannot put into words the despair I felt at having to BEG friends and family to come post bond for me and then to be told, "No. You are where you belong and you need to stay there for awhile."
What? I am where I belong? Really? Who did I kill? Okay, maybe I threatened to kill Jeff, mostly if he tried to take my kids away from me but what mother hasn't uttered those words? I just could not believe the reaction and attitude I got from those that were supposed to love me. And then to be told that someone was coming only to find out that I'd been lied to.
I do have some very big hearted friends that tried to rally for me. But they are almost as lost as I am. No money, no jobs, some even with no ID and all are required to post bond. God love them, especially Tammy. She tried, she really did and was as shocked when my family told her to leave me there.
I KNOW that I crossed some lines. I let my emotions take over and I sinned in my anger. I let my tongue be used as a weapon to deeply hurt those that I love. But that lesson could have been learned by just leaving me there overnight...not for TWO DAYS!!!
And yes, I know many people experience longer stays. And God did use the experience to really show me several things. But as you can tell, I am still somewhat irritated because it cost me my job. More about that later.
Yes, on Friday night, I was thinking seriously about taking every pill I had and just sleeping myself to death. The weight of my sin was on me and I could not escape the pain, or so it felt. Now I know that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!
I was locked up with some really broken, hurting people. Some there by there own foolishness, like me. Some there by circumstances. Some realized there mistakes and were using the time to think and plan how they would do better. Many were believers and knew that even though they were sinful, broken people that God still loved them no matter what.
Some where glad to be there. I can only imagine what there lives must be like on the outside to think jail is better than being at home or on the street. Some knew they were facing serious time and would soon be going to prison and they actually couldn't wait to get there. Prison, they said, is like being away at camp. You get a library, church services, opportunities, free food (that is better than jail food), no worries about bills to pay, a weightroom, a rec room, outdoor time, etc. You get NONE of this in jail. You are simply there to wait for your court date in a county that is bankrupt, crowded, backed up, staffed with overworked, underpaid, impatient and unkind people (and it shows in their attitudes, believe me). And yet, so many women were relieved to be there.
For others of us, all there was to do was sit and think about the comforts that our actions had cost us. Private showers, private toilet time, something to read, decent food (I know I am a picky eater but it seriously was unedible! And I reasoned that if I had to be there, I would at least lose weight!), even a comfortable place to sleep. There was a television but it was often turned to whatever programming the majority wanted and let's just say it wasn't usually anything I cared for. But that was fine, I don't watch much TV anyway. I don't even have cable at home right now for that very reason.
Some did play cards and some that had been there awhile had pen an paper with which to write. Some had Bibles and they gladly shared with those of us that didn't. I spent a lot of time in Psalms, particularly Psalm 27 and Psalm 51. I spent a lot of time in the corner alone, crying and singing Highlands Worship's "Place of Freedom".
Wow, there is such power in that song! I began to feel a peace come over me that I KNOW was Jesus. I could feel Him in my spirit telling me that even THIS is not the end of the world, that He has a plan and a purpose in all this and that I have GOT TO LEARN TO TRUST HIM AND NOT WORRY!
In fact, one of the other inmates, Lolita, gave me a paper that talked about worry. God does not put "degrees" on sin. People do that. Some think that abortion, use of alcohol or homosexuality is the greatest of sins but in fact, God looks on ALL sin the same and His word says so. So people that try and tell you that one thing is an abomination need to reread many passages because their glutony is as bad as anything else. But I digress...
IF there is a sin that's worse than any other to God then I beleive it is the sin of WORRY.
Worry robs you of your joy. Worry tells God that you have no faith in Him. That you don't trust Him who loves you far greater than any other being to care for you and provide for you. The sin of worry is counter-productive to your spiritual growth more so than any other sin because when you worry, you cannot be in an attitude of prayer.
For those of us who were taught to be self-reliant and to plan for when bad things happen (even if we don't have the discipline to do so all the time, we still have that mindset), it's a difficult thing to NOT worry. Even in church we are taught that we must do our parts and let God do His part and this is true. But for many of us, it is difficult to know where our part ends and His part begins. So we fall into a routine of praying and giving it over to God and then getting up and taking it right back.
So after reading this about worry, I knew that was meant for me. The guilt of my sin and the weight of everything in the aftermath is SO GREAT sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating. I worry that I've done permanent damage to my children. I worry that I threw away the greatest thing in my life with both hands. In fact, I know I did. But there is nothing that I can do about it now and knowing that eats at me. I want desperately to turn back the clock and get a do over and I can't. And like I mentioned before, when I don't get what I want, I try to force it. I worry that things will never be right in my life again.
But I know I must stop the worry. If there is to be reconciliation, it will be all God. *I* can't do it. Only He can and only if He chooses to. I have to trust that if that is not His plan, that it's because He has an even better one.
Now I am facing the daunting task of searching for yet another job. I have no idea when I will get anymore money to pay bills, buy food or put gas in the car. But I have to trust that He will, somehow, provide and that I don't need to worry about how.
And while I can say that I have not yet mastered this new discipline of "no worry", I can tell you that when I do have it under control, it is so very liberating. And for now, I am not worried. God has always gotten me through whatever crap I bring on myself. It isn’t always how I’d like for Him to do it. But like I was explaining to someone else today…God is the ULTIMATE parent. As a mom, myself, I get Him. There is NOTHING that my children could say or do that would make me not love them. But because I love them, sometimes, I know they have to face the consequences of their actions so that they will learn. I can tell them a million times not to do something (like touch the stove) or to do something (like their homework) but they won’t really get it until they get burned or a bad grade. It’s not that I want them to hurt. But sometimes natural discipline is a part of growing and I DO want them to grow. I want them to grow into all they can be. God is the same way. He knows that the learning process is sometimes difficult and painful. But shielding us isn’t always the wisest thing. It’s just as His Word says, “No discipline is pleasant at the time. But all is useful for learning and growing.”
God has ALWAYS been with me, no matter how terribly I know I must disappoint Him sometimes. I know He will not only see me through this but He will use it to make me better. (Romans 8:28) He already has.
….to be continued
What? I am where I belong? Really? Who did I kill? Okay, maybe I threatened to kill Jeff, mostly if he tried to take my kids away from me but what mother hasn't uttered those words? I just could not believe the reaction and attitude I got from those that were supposed to love me. And then to be told that someone was coming only to find out that I'd been lied to.
I do have some very big hearted friends that tried to rally for me. But they are almost as lost as I am. No money, no jobs, some even with no ID and all are required to post bond. God love them, especially Tammy. She tried, she really did and was as shocked when my family told her to leave me there.
I KNOW that I crossed some lines. I let my emotions take over and I sinned in my anger. I let my tongue be used as a weapon to deeply hurt those that I love. But that lesson could have been learned by just leaving me there overnight...not for TWO DAYS!!!
And yes, I know many people experience longer stays. And God did use the experience to really show me several things. But as you can tell, I am still somewhat irritated because it cost me my job. More about that later.
Yes, on Friday night, I was thinking seriously about taking every pill I had and just sleeping myself to death. The weight of my sin was on me and I could not escape the pain, or so it felt. Now I know that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!
I was locked up with some really broken, hurting people. Some there by there own foolishness, like me. Some there by circumstances. Some realized there mistakes and were using the time to think and plan how they would do better. Many were believers and knew that even though they were sinful, broken people that God still loved them no matter what.
Some where glad to be there. I can only imagine what there lives must be like on the outside to think jail is better than being at home or on the street. Some knew they were facing serious time and would soon be going to prison and they actually couldn't wait to get there. Prison, they said, is like being away at camp. You get a library, church services, opportunities, free food (that is better than jail food), no worries about bills to pay, a weightroom, a rec room, outdoor time, etc. You get NONE of this in jail. You are simply there to wait for your court date in a county that is bankrupt, crowded, backed up, staffed with overworked, underpaid, impatient and unkind people (and it shows in their attitudes, believe me). And yet, so many women were relieved to be there.
For others of us, all there was to do was sit and think about the comforts that our actions had cost us. Private showers, private toilet time, something to read, decent food (I know I am a picky eater but it seriously was unedible! And I reasoned that if I had to be there, I would at least lose weight!), even a comfortable place to sleep. There was a television but it was often turned to whatever programming the majority wanted and let's just say it wasn't usually anything I cared for. But that was fine, I don't watch much TV anyway. I don't even have cable at home right now for that very reason.
Some did play cards and some that had been there awhile had pen an paper with which to write. Some had Bibles and they gladly shared with those of us that didn't. I spent a lot of time in Psalms, particularly Psalm 27 and Psalm 51. I spent a lot of time in the corner alone, crying and singing Highlands Worship's "Place of Freedom".
Wow, there is such power in that song! I began to feel a peace come over me that I KNOW was Jesus. I could feel Him in my spirit telling me that even THIS is not the end of the world, that He has a plan and a purpose in all this and that I have GOT TO LEARN TO TRUST HIM AND NOT WORRY!
In fact, one of the other inmates, Lolita, gave me a paper that talked about worry. God does not put "degrees" on sin. People do that. Some think that abortion, use of alcohol or homosexuality is the greatest of sins but in fact, God looks on ALL sin the same and His word says so. So people that try and tell you that one thing is an abomination need to reread many passages because their glutony is as bad as anything else. But I digress...
IF there is a sin that's worse than any other to God then I beleive it is the sin of WORRY.
Worry robs you of your joy. Worry tells God that you have no faith in Him. That you don't trust Him who loves you far greater than any other being to care for you and provide for you. The sin of worry is counter-productive to your spiritual growth more so than any other sin because when you worry, you cannot be in an attitude of prayer.
For those of us who were taught to be self-reliant and to plan for when bad things happen (even if we don't have the discipline to do so all the time, we still have that mindset), it's a difficult thing to NOT worry. Even in church we are taught that we must do our parts and let God do His part and this is true. But for many of us, it is difficult to know where our part ends and His part begins. So we fall into a routine of praying and giving it over to God and then getting up and taking it right back.
So after reading this about worry, I knew that was meant for me. The guilt of my sin and the weight of everything in the aftermath is SO GREAT sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating. I worry that I've done permanent damage to my children. I worry that I threw away the greatest thing in my life with both hands. In fact, I know I did. But there is nothing that I can do about it now and knowing that eats at me. I want desperately to turn back the clock and get a do over and I can't. And like I mentioned before, when I don't get what I want, I try to force it. I worry that things will never be right in my life again.
But I know I must stop the worry. If there is to be reconciliation, it will be all God. *I* can't do it. Only He can and only if He chooses to. I have to trust that if that is not His plan, that it's because He has an even better one.
Now I am facing the daunting task of searching for yet another job. I have no idea when I will get anymore money to pay bills, buy food or put gas in the car. But I have to trust that He will, somehow, provide and that I don't need to worry about how.
And while I can say that I have not yet mastered this new discipline of "no worry", I can tell you that when I do have it under control, it is so very liberating. And for now, I am not worried. God has always gotten me through whatever crap I bring on myself. It isn’t always how I’d like for Him to do it. But like I was explaining to someone else today…God is the ULTIMATE parent. As a mom, myself, I get Him. There is NOTHING that my children could say or do that would make me not love them. But because I love them, sometimes, I know they have to face the consequences of their actions so that they will learn. I can tell them a million times not to do something (like touch the stove) or to do something (like their homework) but they won’t really get it until they get burned or a bad grade. It’s not that I want them to hurt. But sometimes natural discipline is a part of growing and I DO want them to grow. I want them to grow into all they can be. God is the same way. He knows that the learning process is sometimes difficult and painful. But shielding us isn’t always the wisest thing. It’s just as His Word says, “No discipline is pleasant at the time. But all is useful for learning and growing.”
God has ALWAYS been with me, no matter how terribly I know I must disappoint Him sometimes. I know He will not only see me through this but He will use it to make me better. (Romans 8:28) He already has.
….to be continued
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