What? I am where I belong? Really? Who did I kill? Okay, maybe I threatened to kill Jeff, mostly if he tried to take my kids away from me but what mother hasn't uttered those words? I just could not believe the reaction and attitude I got from those that were supposed to love me. And then to be told that someone was coming only to find out that I'd been lied to.
I do have some very big hearted friends that tried to rally for me. But they are almost as lost as I am. No money, no jobs, some even with no ID and all are required to post bond. God love them, especially Tammy. She tried, she really did and was as shocked when my family told her to leave me there.
I KNOW that I crossed some lines. I let my emotions take over and I sinned in my anger. I let my tongue be used as a weapon to deeply hurt those that I love. But that lesson could have been learned by just leaving me there overnight...not for TWO DAYS!!!
And yes, I know many people experience longer stays. And God did use the experience to really show me several things. But as you can tell, I am still somewhat irritated because it cost me my job. More about that later.
Yes, on Friday night, I was thinking seriously about taking every pill I had and just sleeping myself to death. The weight of my sin was on me and I could not escape the pain, or so it felt. Now I know that there may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning!
I was locked up with some really broken, hurting people. Some there by there own foolishness, like me. Some there by circumstances. Some realized there mistakes and were using the time to think and plan how they would do better. Many were believers and knew that even though they were sinful, broken people that God still loved them no matter what.
Some where glad to be there. I can only imagine what there lives must be like on the outside to think jail is better than being at home or on the street. Some knew they were facing serious time and would soon be going to prison and they actually couldn't wait to get there. Prison, they said, is like being away at camp. You get a library, church services, opportunities, free food (that is better than jail food), no worries about bills to pay, a weightroom, a rec room, outdoor time, etc. You get NONE of this in jail. You are simply there to wait for your court date in a county that is bankrupt, crowded, backed up, staffed with overworked, underpaid, impatient and unkind people (and it shows in their attitudes, believe me). And yet, so many women were relieved to be there.
For others of us, all there was to do was sit and think about the comforts that our actions had cost us. Private showers, private toilet time, something to read, decent food (I know I am a picky eater but it seriously was unedible! And I reasoned that if I had to be there, I would at least lose weight!), even a comfortable place to sleep. There was a television but it was often turned to whatever programming the majority wanted and let's just say it wasn't usually anything I cared for. But that was fine, I don't watch much TV anyway. I don't even have cable at home right now for that very reason.
Some did play cards and some that had been there awhile had pen an paper with which to write. Some had Bibles and they gladly shared with those of us that didn't. I spent a lot of time in Psalms, particularly Psalm 27 and Psalm 51. I spent a lot of time in the corner alone, crying and singing Highlands Worship's "Place of Freedom".
Wow, there is such power in that song! I began to feel a peace come over me that I KNOW was Jesus. I could feel Him in my spirit telling me that even THIS is not the end of the world, that He has a plan and a purpose in all this and that I have GOT TO LEARN TO TRUST HIM AND NOT WORRY!
In fact, one of the other inmates, Lolita, gave me a paper that talked about worry. God does not put "degrees" on sin. People do that. Some think that abortion, use of alcohol or homosexuality is the greatest of sins but in fact, God looks on ALL sin the same and His word says so. So people that try and tell you that one thing is an abomination need to reread many passages because their glutony is as bad as anything else. But I digress...
IF there is a sin that's worse than any other to God then I beleive it is the sin of WORRY.
Worry robs you of your joy. Worry tells God that you have no faith in Him. That you don't trust Him who loves you far greater than any other being to care for you and provide for you. The sin of worry is counter-productive to your spiritual growth more so than any other sin because when you worry, you cannot be in an attitude of prayer.
For those of us who were taught to be self-reliant and to plan for when bad things happen (even if we don't have the discipline to do so all the time, we still have that mindset), it's a difficult thing to NOT worry. Even in church we are taught that we must do our parts and let God do His part and this is true. But for many of us, it is difficult to know where our part ends and His part begins. So we fall into a routine of praying and giving it over to God and then getting up and taking it right back.
So after reading this about worry, I knew that was meant for me. The guilt of my sin and the weight of everything in the aftermath is SO GREAT sometimes I feel as if I am suffocating. I worry that I've done permanent damage to my children. I worry that I threw away the greatest thing in my life with both hands. In fact, I know I did. But there is nothing that I can do about it now and knowing that eats at me. I want desperately to turn back the clock and get a do over and I can't. And like I mentioned before, when I don't get what I want, I try to force it. I worry that things will never be right in my life again.
But I know I must stop the worry. If there is to be reconciliation, it will be all God. *I* can't do it. Only He can and only if He chooses to. I have to trust that if that is not His plan, that it's because He has an even better one.
Now I am facing the daunting task of searching for yet another job. I have no idea when I will get anymore money to pay bills, buy food or put gas in the car. But I have to trust that He will, somehow, provide and that I don't need to worry about how.
And while I can say that I have not yet mastered this new discipline of "no worry", I can tell you that when I do have it under control, it is so very liberating. And for now, I am not worried. God has always gotten me through whatever crap I bring on myself. It isn’t always how I’d like for Him to do it. But like I was explaining to someone else today…God is the ULTIMATE parent. As a mom, myself, I get Him. There is NOTHING that my children could say or do that would make me not love them. But because I love them, sometimes, I know they have to face the consequences of their actions so that they will learn. I can tell them a million times not to do something (like touch the stove) or to do something (like their homework) but they won’t really get it until they get burned or a bad grade. It’s not that I want them to hurt. But sometimes natural discipline is a part of growing and I DO want them to grow. I want them to grow into all they can be. God is the same way. He knows that the learning process is sometimes difficult and painful. But shielding us isn’t always the wisest thing. It’s just as His Word says, “No discipline is pleasant at the time. But all is useful for learning and growing.”
God has ALWAYS been with me, no matter how terribly I know I must disappoint Him sometimes. I know He will not only see me through this but He will use it to make me better. (Romans 8:28) He already has.
….to be continued
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