I am a lot of things, many of them not good. I am flawed, in many ways seemingly hopelessly. I am stubborn, quick to anger or irritate, mouthy, moody, impulsive, explosive and sometimes unforgiving, even though I know I have been forgiven much. I have cheated, threatened, manipulated, been drunk (many times), been promiscuous, cursed (a lot) and even stolen (decades ago, when I was a kid).
But I am NOT and never have been a liar. Even when I tried to lie, I always got caught because I'm terrible at it. I'm not sure why but I think it goes back to when I was a very little girl, my mom said something that stuck with me--people can always tell when you're lying and it's probably the worst thing ever. And of course, the older I got and started to learn more about God, I KNEW He could tell.
As I said before, I know that God doesn't really put sin into categories or levels. People do that. But somewhere in my soul, I always felt like that was the worst thing I could do is lie. If you do get found out, you always look stupid or like the worst thing ever. And if you don't, well, God still knows and so do you. And it's hard to confess a lie once it's told and especially the longer it lingers out there.
So I have kind of just adopted the attitude that I'd rather just be upfront and have people not like me for who and what I honestly AM than to lie about anything. You may not like me. But at least you never have to worry where you stand with me and you never have to question whether or not this is the REAL me.
Being honest has bitten me in the butt more times than I can count. My life would run SO MUCH smoother if I were NOT so honest. I know I don't have to be blatantly honest about many things. That is a choice I make and maybe sometimes not a wise one. But I just can't bring myself to FAKE anything.
If I could lie, maybe I'd still be married. I'd have lied about my husband and maybe I would have found out sooner that the man I became involved with was not a good person and that I was throwing away my family with both hands. At the very least, that first year would have went much differently. I'd be more secure financially and a lot of things wouldn't have happened he way they did. But I couldn't carry on as a liar. To me, it was MUCH worse than being a cheat.
So when I finally bonded out of jail late Monday night, I found out that my employer had been given two completely different stories about my whereabouts that day. My mom, had told them I was sick. Not a lie-- was. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually sick. She just didn't tell them I was not recovering from puking my guts up at home in my comfortable bed. My friends, whom my mom would not communicate with, told my employer that I'd had an emergency (which again, is true) and that I may not be in all week (they weren't sure when they could get me out or even if). I know everyone was trying to rally to my aid and protect me. I don't hold anyone at fault for their loving efforts.
But I decided to be the one good thing I know I am--honest. The first thing Tuesday morning, I told the truth about where I'd been and why. My supervisor was very sweet and sympathetic. Nonetheless, she had no choice but to tell the president/owner. He took a few days to think it over then he talked with me asking me again questions about the entire ordeal. I told him everything that I thought he needed to know and told him that if he had any questions at all, to ask. I assured him that it in no way affected my job other than that I'd missed a day of work. It's a misdemeanor that I will either pay a fine for or get dismissed. I am not looking at anymore jail time at all (thank you, Lord). It happened because I let my emotions take over in my personal life and I have NEVER done that in my professional life, nor will I.
Nonetheless, he, for whatever reason, decided to let me go. I am wounded by the rejection. But otherwise I am fine. It wasn't really a job I particularly liked anyway so I take it as God wants me elsewhere. I have no income whatsoever, no severance like I had before. Nothing. But I am NOT worried. After everything I have been through, I KNOW God is going to take care of me. I REFUSE to let Satan back in, trying to get a stronghold causing me to worry. Daily, I trust God to provide for my needs and the needs of my children. He already has. I will not worry about what bills are due in two weeks. I will just do my part in prayer and applying for jobs. I can't work miracles but God can. And all I need to do is step back and let Him work.
Yes, I am a lot of things. But God is EVERYTHING!
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