Sunday Morning thoughts

I'm sitting here in bed watching a little TV and trying to muster up the energy and motivation to get up and start doing all the things I need to be doing when all I really want to do is sleep!

I slept a LOT yesterday. I had intended to go to Tuscaloosa and see Dylan but it was so rainy and my knees are hurting a lot lately, even more when it rains (I never believed that until it started happening to me!), I am cramping badly (even though I'm NOT currently having my cycle) and I had a terrible headache. On top of that, I paid almost $300 to fix my car window so I decided to stay home.

I am really tired and overwhelmed and feeling useless, inadequate as a mom, woman, employee, student...I can't focus on what I need to do or even what I WANT to do except sleep or lie around. And I can't keep getting away with that much longer. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning. I feel like a zombie most of the time.

I saw my therapist again Tuesday morning and she thinks that I may have ADD and Bipolar disorder! The ADD I can buy. But bipolar? No, I'll never accept that. From everything I've read about bipolar disorder and from everyone I know who has it, I'm NOT bipolar. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, I get extremely angry sometimes and extremely depressed sometimes. But I'm hardly ever manic. And my moods don't vary often enough. I don't go from one extreme to the next in the span that most people with bipolar do. And I don't want the stigma attached to being someone with bipolar disorder. No, I will not have it.

But I long ago accepted that there is something chemically wrong with me that requires medication. I don't just get "sad about stuff". My body physically aches..to the point that I want to lie in bed all the time. Various medicines have worked in the past. But they all lose their effectiveness over time and my current medication of lexapro is NOT working. It makes me extremely tired (hello?) but if I don't take it, I am afraid of going back to the level of anger that landed me in jail a few months ago. It also doesn't keep me from crying. I cry all the time and mostly for no reason or for reasons that I supposedly dealt with a long time ago. It's absurd to me. And yet, I have to continue on this path until I see the actual doctor that can change that medicine October 17! Yes, another month to go. Meanwhile, I'm muddling through my life and missing a lot.

I have a lot to do to catch up for school today. My marketing grade sucks but it's not failing, at least. I can't focus on it and what used to be a reasonably simple subject is extremely confusing to me. But I have no choice but to stick it out and do the best I can.

So I guess I should stop complaining and get to it before I am too tired again to do anything but lie here!