The Single Woman's 30 Day Blog Challenge--Day 2

Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked.

I can only pick just one? Haha

Most moments I am pretty happy. But having been married and had the joy of three kids living at home at one point in my life, the last few years have definitely been years of multiple adjustments. I've had to adjust to not only the divorce, living on my own and all the challenges that brings but my oldest child and only son graduated high school and moved off to college as well. I had to move a lot during the first year and all the getting adjusted kind of kept my busy and my mind off the realization that "I am now single", even though I did date and do single woman things.

So I guess it first hit me the first New Year's Eve 2011 when my ex picked up the kids and I was all alone in my new apartment. I had no car at the time and all my other friends had plans so I tried to make the best of it. But I have never felt more alone in my life than I did at that moment. What did I do? In my infinite wisdom (not!) I called an old boyfriend. That turned out to be a HUGE mistake! lol

I have since learned to try and embrace being alone. My TO DO list seems to be never ending and that's a good thing for me because it isn't just filled with the "have to's" it also has some craft projects, books I want to read, the bucket list, improvements and decorating ideas for the apartment, goals and dreams, etc. etc. 

More and more lately, I've turned to God's Word for comfort. In fact, the topic in my DivorceCare group this week was 'Loneliness' and we read about when Jesus was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter and ultimately God the Father turned His back on His own Son in order to save the world. As a Christian, I knew these things. But I'd never thought about them in the context of how lonely Jesus must have felt during that time. Wow! To realize that my Savior knows and understands what I'm going through is such a great comfort to me.

The Single Woman's 30 day Blog Challenge--Day 1

"Why are you still single?"

I always answer honestly but how much detail I go into usually depends on the person. With some people, I simply respond, "we got married too young and though we worked really hard for 21 years, it just didn't work out." For closer friends or those I might want to get closer to, I still share the truth. "We got married too young and though we overcame MANY obstacles, we did not have a godly marriage. I was searching for something more. Now I know that I wanted a spiritual partner, someone who would pray with me and for me. But at the time, I thought I wanted to experience physical intimacy with someone else and so I let Satan trick me into an affair."  Two and a half years later, I am single because I want to fix what was broken in me before I attempt to be anyone else's wife again. I am trusting God to either restore my marriage (I'm doubtful but I know with God, all things are possible. I don't know that it's what *I* even want but I am completely open to what God wants), bring me a truly amazing and godly man or serve Him being single for the rest of my life. Whatever He decides. I'm open to it.

Nuggets from reCreate13

From Priscilla Shirer, Friday evening:

How many times has God tried to position you to receive what He has for you and you have rebelled and fought Him? And yet He is STILL patiently waiting and guiding you to your destiny. Some will not hang with you through this change.  He always will.  God is patient!

I cannot tell you how many different ways this spoke to me. There have been so many times I have felt led to do more for God. I am not sure yet what that "more" is but every time I get close, I get afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things (and that may come as a big shock to some of you) but I think the biggest thing I am afraid of is missing out on something better. That has been the root of so many of my issues over the course of my life. Changing jobs, changing majors, changing schools, changing careers, changing living locations, changing churches and ultimately, changing marital statuses. I guess somewhere deep down, for some reason, I always felt there was something better, something more that was just out of my reach. Many times I didn't realize what the "more" was and the few times I was close to it, I was once again afraid that I would have to give up something better to get it.

Many years ago, my family attended a local baptist church and I got very involved in the children's ministry. When the children's pastor decided to leave and accept a position out of state, my name was immediately put up as a candidate for interim director. But at the time I was desperately trying to live in both worlds because my husband was not saved. I disclosed on my blog at the time about drinking alcohol on occassion. It was read by the wrong person and long story short, instead of doing the biblical thing and coming to talk to me about it, the information was forwarded to my pastor. You may or may not know that many churches but particularly baptist churches take a dim view of alcohol consumption and so I was asked to withdraw my name from consideration. I did but I was so hurt that my family and I left the church.

In hindsight, I realize that I did exercise some bad judgment about the entire situation--the drinking, writing about it publicly and my reaction. But what bothers me most now is how close I was to stepping up to do something God really needed me to do at the time--minister to children--and I ran from it. I was not willing to "take my lumps" and ultimately receive what He had for me. Instead, I let Satan have the victory. And it wouldn't be the last time. Shamefully, I admit, I probably still haven't experienced the last time. But God is patient.

Where humans have to grow and be trained in levels of patience,  God does not.

God places us in situations that train us. I often fail at first but I think finally, maybe, I'm starting to see that and learn from it. Hey, us old dogs can learn new tricks, it just takes us a bit longer!

And because God is patient, we get to experience everything else God is! Wow! What truth there is in that statement.

As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 1:12-16, he (Paul) is a demonstration of the patience of God. No one had a greater sin resume than Paul. We all have our own sin resumes and what we need to do is stop looking at others' and look at our own. Alcohol may not be a good thing. Neither is stuffing your face at the church picnic! God looks on ALL sin the same. But that's a topic for another time. The point is, Jeremiah 1:5 tells us that:

1. Christ came to save sinners (which we ALL are)
1. While it's a miracle that we are born, it's a bigger miracle that we are born again!
2. God will ALWAYS outmove the enemy. While the enemy may have had a very big hand in destroying my marriage, God has another move for me. And I can't wait to see what it is (He's already made some small moves that are better, but I know He has a few more "checks" before the "checkmate" which is when I will finally see Jesus Christ face to face!
2. Christ changes us. First He justifies us (Ephesians 1:13) by saving us when we first accept Him as our savior and then He sanctifies us (2 Thess. 1:13) which is the process by which we become more and more like Him every day that we surrender to His will.
3. Christ considers US and puts US in services. He uses us for His glory.

Don't let the enemy rob you of your destiny by causing you to downplay your current location!  You may have made some mistakes. You may have run from where God tried to put you. I know I have! But guess what? He is way more stubborn than you or I! He will ultimately get His way. We get to choose whether we make it easy on ourselves or hard on ourselves but even if we choose the hard roads, God will still use those and bring us to our destination!

You haven't been cheated; you have been chosen. Maybe had I not made the mistakes I did, my life would have been different. Well, I'm quite certain it would have been. But it wouldn't necessarily have been better. There is nothing better than living for God, no matter how we come to do it. 

Welcome to my new blog!

I am so glad you are here! If you are a close, personal friend and had access to my old blog it is still up for now but it'll be taken completely private very soon and will serve only as an archive/storage space and possibly a personal online diary that only I can see.

Also, please bear with me as I am still in the process of piecing this one together with graphics and photos but the goal here is testimony and glorifying the Lord!

You may think that sounds crazy coming from someone like me, especially if you know my past and many shortcomings. But God's Word says when we put our trust in Him and decide to follow Him we are a new creation! And I finally, truly feel like one!

The Lord has really been tugging at my heart for a LONG time over so many things--things that I can't wait to share with you--and I have been holding back with one foot stuck in this world. No more. This world has nothing for me. This life is not my own. Words to a favorite song of mine by Building 429 "We Won't Be Shaken". And indeed it is true. And I am SO excited about the amazing things God is going to bring my way in due time. He has already done SO MUCH for me, especially recently and in just a short amount of time. Every attempt I made (sometimes intentionally, sometimes not) to destroy my own life, God has in one way or another curtailed. He is TRULY wonderful! When He says once we are His, NOTHING can snatch us out of His hand, He means it! I am a living testimony of that very fact. Though I don't pretend to have all the answers, I know the One who does. Though He didn't do things the way I wanted at times, He was still there.

I hope you will go with me on this new journey of mine and it is my sincere prayer that through my experiences you will see the hand of God, know He is real and will want to know Him for yourself if you don't already and if you do, I pray that you will want to know Him better!

So many things I can't wait to share with you! I hope you will stay tuned!

Until then, be blessed!

Michelle

I Declare

• Since my incarceration I have been in therapy, support groups and Bible studies as well as reading a lot of different things and soul searching to help myself deal with the root of what landed me there landed there in the first place. 

  
  

  I postponed dealing with my divorce for so long...

  
  

  I didn't mean to. It's just the way things happened. The last few years of my marriage were a struggle. And if I'm being completely honest, the entire marriage was a struggle in a lot of ways. It's not that we didn't love each other. It's not that either of us was a bad person. Of course we were flawed in many ways and incompatible in many ways. But we had a lot in common also and I think I can honestly say that we both really worked at our marriage for a long time.

  
  

  Trying to understand what went wrong is mind boggling. I think it can best be summed up as a series of unfortunate events. We got married too young. We didn't have Christ at the center of our marriage. I didn't understand that love is often a choice and not a feeling. He didn't understand my needs. I didn't pay enough attention to my body and mind to know that something chemically was not right with my thought process. My need for control outweighed my need to make sure my husband, the one I cared most about, the one who was supposed to be the most important person in my life, felt loved, secure, appreciated. Somewhere deep down inside, for whatever reasons I still don't quite understand, I was hurting terribly and instead of trying to figure out why and deal with my own pain, I just turned it back onto him. I emasculated him and expected him to keep taking it. And he did. And that made me lose respect for him. And that was totally unfair of me. But there was always more and more and more...

  
  

  I didn't know what to do. I think back on what I was thinking at that time and all I can remember feeling was that there had to be more. I guess I felt like the grass was greener somewhere else even though many a wise counsel told me the truth of the matter and that is that the grass is greener where you water it. 

  
  

  I just wanted to escape it and I did but in such a horrific way that I only wound up hurting others terribly and myself in the worst way possible.  And when that plan failed, I continued to just avoid dealing with my problems. I turned my attention to just having fun. And I did.

  
  

  I learned a lot during that time. But I still didn't learn the most important things. Or maybe I did but they just didn't sink in. I don't know that they ever will. But I do have to let myself FEEL the pain of my loss. As terrible as it is. As much as I want to avoid it, control it, turn it back on someone else, I just have to feel what I feel and find a way to move past it. A lot of people say that "time heals all wounds". That's crap. Time COVERS all wounds. The only thing that can HEAL wounds is Jesus Christ. But I have to let Him. And I will. And He will.

  
  

  In the meantime, I have to completely let go of what's past and focus on what's ahead. That is difficult because I DON'T KNOW what's ahead. It's scary. But I have to choose to look at it as a positive thing.

  
  

  I have been reading I Declare, by Joel Osteen and it's all about learning to speak words of power over your life. I used to thing that I was a horrible person for the thoughts that I had. I now know that thoughts aren't really bad or good. They are just thoughts. But when you SPEAK your thoughts and they become words and are out into the air, floating around, they take on a power of their own. It may be a weird concept to some but I do believe this. I see it all the time with others and have finally come to see it in myself. Whatever we speak becomes what rules us. 

  
  

  So I'm trying to develop the habit of speaking words of power into existence and over my life and the lives of my children.  Going forward, I declare that I have God's favor and blessing in my life and that the past, while full of many wonderful memories as well as some mistakes and bad things, is just the past. And it's not near as great as my future will be. 

  
  

  Here are just a few nuggets of truth and wisdom that I have heard and am trying to remember. Many are from Joel Osteen, some are from author, Mandy Hale, others from Bishop T.D. Jakes and still others unknown. But I hope you enjoy them as much as I have:

  
  

  I DECLARE there is an anointing of ease on my life. Good is going before me making crooked places straight. His yoke is easy and His burden light. I will not continually struggle. What used to be difficult will not be difficult anymore. God's favor and blessing on my life is lightening the load and taking the pressure off. This is my declaration.

  
  

  I believe and declare the rest of my life will be the best of my life! I receive it TODAY!!!! 

  
  

  If something is dead in your life, don't die with it!

  
  

  Don't spend your life looking in the rear view mirror! 

  
  

  God is asking us how long we will mourn for what we've lost. It stops Him from releasing His new blessings!

  
  

  What's in my future is greater than what's in my past! 

  
  

  God promises beauty for ashes but you first have to let go of the ashes! 

  
  

  Let go of your mistakes and failures. You can’t do anything about the past but you can do something about right now.

  
  

  There are no restrictions or rules. You have the freedom to design your life to look & be however you choose!

  
  

   You have to believe that God is in control. That means there is no need to be stressed out and worried.

  
  

  • You have the right to change your mind, then change it again..to go any direction you choose, for whatever reason you want.

    
    

    Go with the flow. Force nothing. Let it happen, or not happen...trusting that whichever way it foes, it's for the best.

    
    

    Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able to is courage. Walking away with your head held high is dignity. ~Unknown

    
    

    You don't get angry with people you don't care about, you dismiss them!

    
    

    f you don't find a way to love a flawed person, secretly you're teaching yourself that you are not lovable because of your flaws.

    
    

    
    

    When you hold onto your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny; forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

    
    

    There is power in letting go of the past and releasing the frustration of trying to figure everything out.

    
    

    Be blessed!

    
    

    
    

    
    

    
    

Sunday Morning thoughts

I'm sitting here in bed watching a little TV and trying to muster up the energy and motivation to get up and start doing all the things I need to be doing when all I really want to do is sleep!

I slept a LOT yesterday. I had intended to go to Tuscaloosa and see Dylan but it was so rainy and my knees are hurting a lot lately, even more when it rains (I never believed that until it started happening to me!), I am cramping badly (even though I'm NOT currently having my cycle) and I had a terrible headache. On top of that, I paid almost $300 to fix my car window so I decided to stay home.

I am really tired and overwhelmed and feeling useless, inadequate as a mom, woman, employee, student...I can't focus on what I need to do or even what I WANT to do except sleep or lie around. And I can't keep getting away with that much longer. I honestly don't know how I'm functioning. I feel like a zombie most of the time.

I saw my therapist again Tuesday morning and she thinks that I may have ADD and Bipolar disorder! The ADD I can buy. But bipolar? No, I'll never accept that. From everything I've read about bipolar disorder and from everyone I know who has it, I'm NOT bipolar. Yes, I have mood swings. Yes, I get extremely angry sometimes and extremely depressed sometimes. But I'm hardly ever manic. And my moods don't vary often enough. I don't go from one extreme to the next in the span that most people with bipolar do. And I don't want the stigma attached to being someone with bipolar disorder. No, I will not have it.

But I long ago accepted that there is something chemically wrong with me that requires medication. I don't just get "sad about stuff". My body physically aches..to the point that I want to lie in bed all the time. Various medicines have worked in the past. But they all lose their effectiveness over time and my current medication of lexapro is NOT working. It makes me extremely tired (hello?) but if I don't take it, I am afraid of going back to the level of anger that landed me in jail a few months ago. It also doesn't keep me from crying. I cry all the time and mostly for no reason or for reasons that I supposedly dealt with a long time ago. It's absurd to me. And yet, I have to continue on this path until I see the actual doctor that can change that medicine October 17! Yes, another month to go. Meanwhile, I'm muddling through my life and missing a lot.

I have a lot to do to catch up for school today. My marketing grade sucks but it's not failing, at least. I can't focus on it and what used to be a reasonably simple subject is extremely confusing to me. But I have no choice but to stick it out and do the best I can.

So I guess I should stop complaining and get to it before I am too tired again to do anything but lie here!

Vindication!!

Well, sort of! God is truly amazing and so is my lawyer, Ezra Jordan of the Jordan Law Firm.

The day of my court date to say I was nervous as hell is the understatement of the year. Many friends assured me that everything would be fine and I had prayed and prayed enough for the faith to believe them. But there was a small part of me that was afraid to get my hopes up. Ezra had told me how badly I had pissed the cop off (well, it’s only fair, since he pissed ME off badly as well!) and that worst case scenario he did know of people who were sentenced to up to a year in jail for the same charges!  Still, I had the fact that I was 43 years old and had never been in any kind of trouble on my side. I had the fact that I was slightly intoxicated on my side (believe it or not, that was a plus even if also a contributory factor) and that I also had a witness (even if the cop had two that would likely be on his side). So I honestly didn’t know what to think or expect.

And of course the entire morning had to start out terribly! Traffic was horrible and I just knew I’d be late and get a failure to appear charge on top of everything else. Becky, the paralegal had called to let me know that Ezra had divorce court that morning and that if I were called before he got there to just tell them that he was on his way. For whatever reason, that calmed me. I guess it let me know that things weren’t as formal as I was expecting.

Informal, indeed. There was no “call to order”, swearing in or anything like you see on television. And it was VERY crowded, especially given the small size of the courtroom. When I arrived there was nowhere to sit and a few of us were left standing. That is when the bailiff made the announcement that anyone there not appearing personally before the judge was to leave and make room because there was no standing allowed in the courtroom. Hardly anyone moved at first until he informed them that he would call roll and anyone not supposed to be there would soon have a reason to be! Then about half the crowd move outside the courtroom. This made me more nervous because I knew Dede wouldn’t be able to sit next to me and hold my hand and I SO needed her to! But she stayed right outside the door so I could see her and somehow just knowing she was near made me calmer.

Then inmates were brought in and seated in a separate place from everyone else. And the Judge Ross came in and though no one told us to, we all stood as she took her seat on the bench. She was very beautiful and I got a sense from her, even though she never spoke to me or even looked in my direction, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe it was because Ezra had already told me that he knew her well and that she was very fair. I guess I just didn’t accept it until I saw her for myself. But little by little, God gave me small assurances (Dede being there, Judge Ross’ appearance, etc.) that everything would be fine and I started to relax a little.

They had a few bond hearings and the D.A.’s assistant called a few people to find out if they needed a public defender or had retained representation. Then I saw Ezra walk in and wave at me. He spoke briefly with the D.A. and then motioned for me to follow him outside but waited until we got downstairs and away from so many crowds before he told me the news:  I was to come back to court February 17 to appear before Judge Ross but the D.A. had agreed to accept 16 hours of community service and then dismiss both charges! I was elated! I expected to have to go to some anger management classes or something, which I was fully prepared to do. But community service? I already do four hours a month of that through Church of the Highlands just to serve the Lord! Easy, peasy! All I have to do in the meantime is keep my job, stay out of trouble and when the court date arrives, be humble! The cop may or may not show up. But if he does, I have to come in humbly and apologetic, not angry like “You da motha fucka that ruined my life!” (Ezra’s words, not mine! But you see why I love him?)

Now I KNOW God is truly in control and that no matter what He DOES want to prosper me, that He has great plans for me! I will NOT take it for granted. I will NOT waste this opportunity to make my life—and the lives of those around me—better than ever! And I’m already well on my way. I’m focusing on my kids, seeing a new therapist, reading a LOT (especially now that classes for graduate school have started) and involved myself in several projects (redecorating my townhouse—on a budget of course, crafting, writing a book, planning trips, and resuming my fitness regimen just to name a few) and I continue to pray and worship every day.

As of this writing, I am 43 days sober and will continue to be until at least my court date of February 17 and will not go on any romantic dates until after the New Year.

I am working on letting go of my anger about so many things. Sometimes I have to make the choice daily to forgive—my ex, the cop and especially myself. But I do know that to her who shows mercy, much mercy is shown. And I have been shown MUCH mercy!