Nothing gave me a better appreciation for marriage than when mine fell apart. At the time I felt like I had done everything I could, tried my best, done my best and it just wasn't working. Knowing getting out wouldn't be easy, I subconsciously (as I certainly didn't do it with any kind of plan or intention) I picked a way that I knew would end it. That was a HUGE mistake. Not only did I hurt my husband but I hurt his family, my family, myself and most importantly, my children. They were still teenagers learning about relationships and I sometimes still fear that my broken marriage may have scarred them for life. But I'm done punishing myself over that mistake. I can't change it. All I can do is move forward and show them that I did learn a powerful lesson and that no matter what they do in their lives or how badly they screw it up, God can still redeem it and work all things together for their good. I try and get them to see this by the relationship I strive to have with their dad now. I try and take care of his feelings better than I ever did while we were married. I also guard my friends' marriages, especially my male friends, by not putting them in any position that would cause them to stumble, cause others to accuse them of stumbling or put doubt in anyone's minds about anything. And I have tried to set healthy boundaries for myself for current and new relationships.
I also came to appreciate my life and the many blessings in it when I spent a few nights in jail for something incredibly stupid. Instead of going into the details of what landed me there, instead I'll just share about the people I met there. Most of the women there were not bad people. They had just gotten involved with drugs, alcohol, bad men or made poor choices that led them into situations they couldn't seem to find their way out of. They had to do things they didn't want to do in order to just survive. It was heartbreaking. Here I had been begging God to take my life because I thought it was so terrible and I really had no clue how wonderful it was in comparison. All I knew was the pain I felt on the inside which was sometimes suffocating. I couldn't see how blessed I truly was. There were women begging for my food tray which was full of complete UNedible food! Some were happy to be there and in no hurry to make bail because the mat on the floor they slept on was better than where they slept regularly.
Now, no matter what happens...cancer, unemployment, failed relationships, arguments with friends or family members...I know none of it is the end of the world. I look at each day, even the ones that aren't very pleasant, as a gift and try to find the lesson in it.
True, sometimes I still get mad. I have a low tolerance for some people's crap and I don't hesitate to stand my ground or stand up for myself or my family. But I DO know what's truly important so nothing keeps me down for very long. I aim to stay on track towards the goal of being the best me I possibly can be.
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