THE post

I'm sorry it's probably not as exciting as I made it out to be and sorry for the delay. I really wanted to wrap my head around it and make sure I was not posting in anger or out of frustration. I really don't care that much about what happened but I do find the subject matter fascinating.

It started out in my head as a blog ranting about men. But I'm honest enough to admit women are or can be just as bad. So this is about people in relationships and why the do they dumb stuff they do!

I will not be mentioning any names. Those close to me may know or figure out who I'm talking about and if so, I trust you will protect the identity of those involved. Like I said, I'm not angry and have nothing against any of them. This is just for discussion among friends or my own inner dialogue. Whatever. Everyone else does not need to know. I'm sure you know someone like this and can relate just as well.

A few years back after I went through my divorce and got out of the abusive relationship that followed it, I went a little wild. I had been married for the previous twenty-one years and never dated much before that. I wanted to experience things. I did. And some of them were great memories even if not the best of decisions at the time. But I met someone MUCH younger than me and we struck up a friendship. It turned out, being from the same community, that we had several people in common. We had many great conversations and he made me feel good about myself and restored some of the self-esteem that had been eroded in previous months. I'm sure I boosted his self-esteem also. Many young men are quite fascinated with the thought of an older woman. So it worked out well for both of us.

Even though we really only "met" in person a few times, we remained good friends, keeping up with each other's lives and encouraging one another ever so often. But I had no designs on him for any kind of real relationship and I'm sure he didn't have any on me either. Eighteen years is a big age difference. I know it has worked out for some. But it's not for me.

Fast forward to the last year or two and he became involved in a serious relationship (or so I thought, I really don't know) and I turned my life around and over to God. No, I'm not perfect. But I DO try to follow the Holy Spirit's lead as much as I can and I have not "dated" anyone for well over a year and haven't really wanted to. Maybe I've also become a little jaded about relationships. The good Lord and close friends know I have dated some, shall we say, not-so-desirable men. Spiritually speaking, of course. And let me just say right here, this friends-with-benefits stuff is for the birds! Or at least not for me.

Anyway, I made the decision in July 2013 that I would let God bring someone into my life if it was meant for me to be with anyone and if not, that's quite alright, too. I am perfectly happy as far as romantic relationships go. I'm just not the kind of woman that NEEDS a man at all times. I can support myself. I have my children, family, great friends, my dog and keep myself busy and centered (most of the time). I also like having control of the remote and hogging the covers!  I have been on a few dates this past summer. But I just wasn't feeling like it was what God wanted for me.

A few weeks ago, the gentlemen that I mentioned earlier started messaging me out of the blue. It was friendly for the most part but we also took a little trip down memory lane if you know what I mean. Though I appreciated the sentiment, I let him know that my life was not about that anymore and then ended the conversation.

Well, Saturday afternoon, he started messaging me again. Now, I need to mention this has happened before but not in the last year or so. And always before, except for those few times, nothing ever came of it. Every time after nothing would happen, I assumed that he was just curious to see if I was still game and since at that time I would have been, that was all he really wanted. No harm no foul. Just all talk.

So Saturday night, I guess you could say I decided to call his bluff. I asked him WHY he would want to do this when he has a girlfriend and seemed happy. I mentioned that more than a few times. He really didn't have an explanation. So once again, I figured he was just trying to see if I would go for it. Or maybe he wanted his girlfriend to find out and see if she would be mad and fight for him. (I don't put anything past anyone anymore) because that's exactly what happened!

After going back and forth for several hours and me basically telling him, come on (put up or shut up, knowing the entire time, he wasn't putting anything up!) I went home and went to bed around 2:30 a.m. (I had been out with friends).

I got up around 5 a.m. to use the restroom and saw I had messages and they were from his number but it was his girlfriend! I guess she found his phone after he passed out. Or maybe he showed it to her. I don't know. I don't really care. She was understandably upset and called me some names.

Now this always fascinates me about women. They ALWAYS blame the other woman. Why is that? The other woman has no commitment to you whatsoever. Women should be mad at the MAN! He's the one that is doing something wrong. Now, if the couple is married and the other woman knows that, I understand being upset and calling someone a "homewrecker". But otherwise, there is no home to wreck. And maybe it's best we women find that out before there is! And while going after a man that supposedly has a girlfriend may be "uncool", it happens. If you want real commitment, get a ring. Otherwise, he's fair game. I'm sorry but he is. Not that I make a habit of it personally, I'm just saying!

But I have been in her shoes and my relationship at the time was less committed than hers and I was still upset with the other woman at first. At first. But I quickly realized I was dating a douchebag and she had done me a HUGE favor. And I'm not about to fight anyone over a MAN. I haven't met one yet that is worth fighting for or over. Most women, though, never come to the realization that their anger is misplaced.

Now, I will say, I have been on ALL sides of this issue before. I have cheated, been cheated on, been the other woman--none of it is any fun. I am still coming to terms with the reasons why I cheated or was the "other woman". Both only happened once. And many people think that men and women cheat for different reasons--that for men, it's all about sex and getting some "strange" and women are seeking intimacy, comfort, etc. Eh, I don't think the reasons vary by gender. I think they vary by person. I know I was thinking like a man one of those times, at least in part. But it was much more complicated than that. Bottom line is I am not a man so I can't even begin to understand them or why they do the things they do. And praise the Lord, no two women are alike! :) So I do believe it's a personal thing--your issues, etc.

I usually assume that I will be the one to be hurt in any situation but that is not always the case. And I am or should have been wise enough to know that there was at least the possibility of her getting hurt even though I KNEW nothing was going to happen. Heck, he doesn't even know where I live and had he figured it out and actually showed up I would have sat him down and talked him out of it. The main reason being--that's just not me anymore. And he'd already been told that previously. But also because I did consider him a friend and after the hell I have gone through I would hate for ANYONE else to willingly go down that road. It just is not worth it! You hear me, people?

IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

If you have a shred of any kind of heart, the pain you will inflict on yourself is ten times worse than the pain the act of cheating inflicts on anyone else. They get over it. They can hate you and the hate helps fuel the healing for them. But you just wind up being hated. And that hurts. Really bad. And the ONLY One that can heal that kind of hurt is Jesus. And it doesn't happen overnight.

So back to the story...after I got her to calm down and understand what really happened (I did NOT go after him) I could tell she was hurt. She didn't understand. Who would? You think everything is great and wonderful and then you get sucker punched in the heart by someone you trusted. And I apologized because I should NOT have played along. Even though I knew it was all talk, well, words hurt. But even if I had said no right of the bat like I did on the other occasion, she could still have seen HIS words and I don't know how that could hurt any less.  Like I said, though, for some women, it does. If there is no woman around they make excuses for the man: "Well, he's just a man.", "They think with their...", "They can't help it. They are wired that way."

Sorry, this woman doesn't buy it. Women are wired to be sexual beings, too. But we somehow are expected to keep it in check. Well, if we can, they can, too.

I will say that one way men and women are different is when women cheat, men don't automatically blame the other man. No, he isn't their best friend. But men hold women accountable. Women do not hold men accountable. We excuse them. Some will say it's because we're more forgiving by nature. I don't know about that. I admit, I don't know much about anything and as each day passes, I feel like i know even less! Especially about men, dating and relationships! Maybe I should have stayed married.

Nah, I like my remote and hogging the covers!

I don't know what happened with them. I may not ever know and that's okay. It's not my business. I do hope they both wind up happy, whatever that looks like.

:)

Beat Down!!!

My baby girl, Brooke, is in her Junior year of High School and her second year of colorguard which she LOVES! She also attends a school with a superb football team. Tonight, they defeated Gardendale 45-20 and became Region 3 6A champs and destined for the state playoffs. They are also undefeated. They are truly amazing to watch, even if you don't care much for football but we all know I most certainly do! So I'm in heaven on Friday nights watching the game and then watching my baby have such a good time on the field and in the stands. She makes me proud.

Here are some of my favorite shots of the year so far:

Long legs, big eyes and a beautiful smile. She's rarely ever nervous on the field. She looks just like her dad but is like me in so many ways and this is just one--I ALWAYS had a great time twirling on the field (I was a majorette). I'm glad she enjoys it, too. She'll treasure these memories.

After the game, the football players got up in the stands with the band and par-tayed! Those kids were all having the best time together. It was really something to see!

I am proud to be a Cougar fan!

One of those days!

Today, the devil must have decided to see how badly he could frustrate me because all day long, I have been completely frustrated.

It started with a headache. Then I discovered that in my efforts to prepare ahead and make my low-carb breakfast at night, I had completely forgotten to put it in the refrigerator after it cooled. So it sat out all night long--ham and eggs. I had to "just say no" to food poisoning. The headache was bad enough!

Then it was the usual traffic routine from Grayson Valley to Clay-Chalkville High School and then back down Deerfoot Parkway and onto the interstate where people drive too slowly, don't know how to merge and just tick me off in general with their idiotic driving! I watched a video recently on YouTube called "Christian Road Rage". It describes me perfectly. I get so completely irritated with traffic and people in general but since having been through the Church of the Highlands LIFE groups many times, I really do try not to speak words of death over people. But old habits are hard to break so I usually will scream out and quickly correct myself. It sounds something like, "You crazy douc---I mean you blessed child of God but PLEASE learn how to drive!" Hey, I'm trying. And God looks at the heart, right? Only sometimes my heart is not so great either and I'll get to that in a minute.

Then I get to work to discover the car insurance that I was going to pay in a few weeks has already come out of my account--ahead of other things I needed to pay THIS week. So now my finances are messed up yet again. And I'm frustrated. I have a degree in Finance and I cannot manage my own money. Mostly that's because there is not much to manage and things keep going up and up and up! I have got to figure something out and very soon. I cannot continue like this. I have paid my dues, done my time and worked my rear end off and I deserve to earn more. Yet at the same time, Pastor Chris' message this past week reminded me that I already do earn in the top 1% of the WORLD! Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. I am very grateful to have what I have even though by average American standards, it's still not much. But I'm NOT living beyond my means. I'm really not. I don't have a lot of debt either. I just need to get that income up to meet my expenses since I can't seem to get the expenses down. (I can't get rent much cheaper than this and I have NO CONTROL over the cost of food, utilities, gas and insurance.)

But I digress. I have been through much worse and while it's upsetting, it's not the end of the world. What hurt my feelings even more is that I still cannot break the habit of thinking of my ex the first thing. When ANYTHING happens, good or bad, I always think of him first. No, I wasn't asking for his help. Just telling him. For thirty years, dating, married, divorced, he automatically pops in my head and I can't stop that. And then I remember the cold, hard reality. He doesn't care anymore. He's over me and I need to get over him. And I don't know how to do that. It's not that I haven't tried. I've dated. I've tried to distance myself. I've been in therapy. I've prayed. But it's like I said before. Old habits are hard to break. And this is one that I'm not confident will ever be broken until someone else enters the picture. And I just can't bring myself to be in a hurry for that anymore.

So I get off work and head to Walmart to pick up my medicine and here is where my wicked heart comes in--my first thought is, "Oh em gee! It's like nursing home day at Walmart or something!" I kid you not, the pharmacy line was backed up into the Halloween decorations of older folks getting their medicine! And Walmart pharmacy is slow enough as it is. Every month I tell myself I have to find another pharmacy but I never get around to it before it's time to have my prescriptions refilled. No way did I have the patience to wait in that line and as I'm leaving empty-handed thinking about all those people I get angry with myself. Why do I think such things? I have learned fairly well to take every thought captive and not let it fester and definitely don't let it out of my mouth (for the most part--some things still slip!) but I wish I didn't think like that to begin with. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me deep down inside.  Surely other people don't think this way.

I decide that even though my finances are pretty tapped, I'll go ahead and do the ONE thing I do for myself every few weeks and get my nails done. I'm supposed to get them done every two weeks but I can usually stretch them into three (saving money where I can, even on the splurges!) and by that time, they are looking like they belong on the hands of a trailer park hooker! (No offense to my trailer park friends)  But guess what? The nail salon I love is busy and they can't take me. On a Tuesday? Are you kidding me? Oh well.

I proceed to Publix to pick up something low carb for dinner (and you would be surprised and how difficult it is to constantly eat low carb!). I'm thinking fajitas because I have low carb tortillas at home, cheese and sour cream already. So all I need is meat and seasoning. But I'm here to tell ya, Publix sure thinks a LOT of their meat! Pricey, they are. I finally found something and made it home in time to pour myself a glass of whine, I mean wine, sit down and decompress for a minute.

I am getting there. I will get there. I have lovely Christian friends that are praying me through and one reminded me today that God is not the author of confusion. So I know where all this came from and I also know why. If Satan can keep me off my game then those that are questioning will see me flailing and think, "Why bother?" Not that Satan is all that worried about me. I think he has bigger fish to fry most of the time. But he does know that if he can keep us all confused and frustrated then we lose our focus on the right things. It's hard to remember that sometimes but God understands. He knows life is hard and that's why it's important for us to be in relationship with Him and with each other. I am so thankful for Him and for my friends that gently remind me of this truth.

So I press on and remember David. He screwed up time and again. He did horrible things and made terrible mistakes. But he had a heart for God. He quickly and willingly humbled himself and repented and God remembered and blessed David. I'm no David. I'm just Michelle. I won't be a king or lead any armies but I definitely screw up and make mistakes! And I love the Lord with all my heart. I pray that all that I am will ultimately please Him. Even when I'm frustrated.

Just an update

I'm doing much better. Though I still haven't reconciled or even talked to my mom, I have been praying a lot and trying not to be so hard on myself about other things. I'm working hard to be thankful and deserving of what God has blessed me with even though I know I don't have to earn anything. But knowing that just makes me all the more grateful. And I am trying to lavish that same unconditional love on others, especially my children, especially the one remaining at home because I know what it's like to not feel it from other people. I'm thankful that we can feel it from God.

I am liking my new job but the cut in pay is really hard. I'm praying a lot about that and trying to be grateful that I even have a job in this economy. I'm looking at things I can cut back on but that's hard also.

I am thinking about transferring to a different graduate school. I have been completely happy with UNA but I was talking with a good friend that I met my first semester there and he is transferring to Columbia Southern University. They have a different format where you take one class every six to eight weeks and the work is mostly writing. I wouldn't have to take Finance or Accounting again or repeat undergraduate Economics and they offer MBA concentrations such as Human Resources. It's also cheaper which means I would end up with less debt. The only thing that makes me hesitate is that Columbia Southern is not very well known and I'm not sure a degree from them would carry the same weight as one from UNA. Then again, I went to Birmingham-Southern for the same reason and it doesn't seem to be doing me any good. I am not sure yet but I have the rest of this semester at least to think and pray about it.

I did lose seven pounds on my new diet. It's really really hard to eat low carb. I would have thought eating meat, which I love, would be easy but it's not. I also found out I have a mild allergy to cow dairy. I don't get sick or anything but my body doesn't process it very well and it hinders my metabolism and other things so I have to try and stay away from that as much as possible.

I have discovered that my Tuesday zumba class on the concrete floor is really irritating my knees and causing the shooting leg pains I've been having so I won't be returning to that either.

Everything else is okay. Still in limbo about a lot of things but keeping the faith that God is going to change all that very soon. I just have to remember that His ways are not our ways.

Stuck...

For lack of a better word, I just feel stuck. I haven't felt like writing anything lately even though I have had PLENTY to say. Nothing seems to be going the way I want it to but it's not terrible either so I know I shouldn't complain but guess what? It's my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

A few weeks ago, I did and said some terrible things I should not have done. I got angry and I sinned in my anger. I have repented. I have asked forgiveness. I'm still waiting for it to be extended and whenever I have to wait for anything, I stew and think about all the things that made me angry in the first place and I get angry all over again.

I don't know where all this anger comes from. I have been in therapy. With a professional! They can't seem to figure it out either. I have prayed and turned it over to God a million times. I can do better for awhile but it always seems to find its way back somehow. I didn't have a horrible childhood. I wasn't neglected or abused. My life has been pretty normal. I've had bloodwork done, head scans, all that. I'm just one pissed off person sometimes and for apparently no reason. All anyone can seem to do is give me medication. And like I said, it helps for awhile.

I'm 44 years old and my life, while great in many ways, has not turned out like I had pictured it. I know most peoples' lives rarely do. But that doesn't make accepting reality any easier.

I do have three great kids and am relatively in good health. But I also have an ex husband that hates me deep down, friends that are scattered and have their own issues and not much time for me (and vice versa), family members that don't get me and have run low on patience with me and at times even make things worse. I can't manage money very well. I'm over-educated and underpaid. I'm overweight. My knees and legs hurt so much that it makes exercise difficult but I do it anyway. Then I can't sleep at night because of the pain. I run late all the time and have no motivation to do anything to make significant changes. I pray. I read. I do my homework. I work. I clean house. I feed the dog. I buy the groceries. I go through the motions. But that's all.

Today has been very emotional so far. Kayti's best friend's mom passed away a few days ago. I've been upset because she's upset and then thinking about that sweet girl who no longer has her mom...and then I think of all the times I have wanted to (and still do sometimes) give up on life and die and how my kids would have felt. I know I'm not the best mother in the world. I don't have any illusions about whether or not they would miss me because they love me so much but I do know it would affect them in some way and it just makes me all the more emotional.

So I do what I do best when I'm emotional. I pick a fight. It didn't take much really. The ex is still upset with me over the things that happened a few weeks ago. It's not so much that I want to fight with him, I just don't know what to do with these emotions. I can't stand that there is someone out there that hates me so much, particularly when we used to love each other so much and especially when we have three wonderful kids together. It tears me up inside but I can't seem to change it and because I can't change it, I get mad and make it worse.

I don't know. I know I'm spinning. Time to get off here and zone out for a minute.